Hail Xenu!

I think it's high time that someone forms the anti-Scientology religion. I'm not talking about stuff like Project Chanology* where they just talk about how much Scientology sucks. That's perfectly fine, but I'm talking about a church that preaches the opposite of whatever Scientology teaches. The Satanism to Scientology's Christianity, if you will. You know, like they worship Xenu and say that the "superpowers" that Scientolgy supposedly gives you are like demonic possesion. This is mostly because the Church of Scientology is full of lying, cheating bastards and I want to see their over the top reactions, but also because I think "Hail Xenu!" sounds really cool. Hail Xenu!

After all, L. Ron Hubbard didn't believe in any of that crap anyway. He made it up for a story, and then when people started taking it seriously, he just sort of rolled with it. Really, taking Scientologists seriously is like listening to somebody who worships Puff the Magic Dragon and going "Yeah, this guy knows what's up." And yet we still listen to them, apparently just because a whole bunch of famous people started doing it.

What's the deal with that anyway? Is it just the attention whore thing, or are they deliberately targetting celebrities? And if so, how are all those celebrities that stupid? Is it something in the water in Hollywood. I think most people have a bit more common sense than that.

*Just...just look it up.

Down At the Bottom of the Sea

I think it'd be cool if the deep sea exploration people could get some more funding, but they're not going to, because there's pretty much no chance of any sort of returns on it. Unless they find sort of endlessly repeating bacon volcano down there, deep sea exploration isn't exactly a profitable excursion. It's interesting, sure. And awesome, certainly, but there isn't much of a way to get any sort of money or benefit from it. Angler fish are badass, but they don't cure any diseases. Not yet anyway (call me in five years).

I guess it sort of sucks that we don't have the money for supporting research just for the sake of research. After all, if you have the choice between giving money to the guys who are trying to cure cancer, or the guys who are trying to figure out just how freaky-looking the fish on the bottom of the ocean are, it's not much of a fight. And I get that, but it's pretty sad when we're in a situation where we can't afford to be curious about the stuff that's right here on our home planet. At least the space travel guys can play the "we may need to colonize another planet at some point guys" card, but the marine biologists? They don't have crap. "Maybe we could like, build a big dome underwater. Like in Bioshock." That's probably far more expensive than it's worth.

I think what they need to do is convince everyone that there's something super valuable at the bottom of the ocean. Like, I dunno, lingerie or something. Then they can do all the research they want while pretending to be building the lingerie mines. Yeah, this plan is fool-proof.

Three Races Only, I Guess

I always thought it was weird how every fantasy story always has to have elves, dwarves,* and humans in it, as three separate races. I mean obviously they're doing it because Tolkein did it, and every single fantasy story in the world has to rip off Lord of the Rings now or else it doesn't get published and the government breaks into your house and confiscates all your pens. But that's fine. What I don't get is why it makes any sense whatsoever for three separate, humanoid, intelligent races to all have evolved, but be part of different species. Despite being practically the same. Because obviously, the first thing you need to do when looking at a fantasy story is analyze the underlying biology.

For example, from what I've been able to gather, elves are basically just humans but with longer ears and also better in every conceivable way, which is interesting I guess. Seriously, that's pretty much the moral of Lord of the Rings. "Elves are better than you will ever hope to be you stupid plebeian". And for some reason, they have giant ears. I'm not entirely sure why. I guess it helps them hear better, further making them better than you, but they look pretty stupid. I dunno. I prefer the ones that are employed by a pole-dwelling fat man and craft toys out of raw materials.

And dwarves are basically just humans, but inexplicably shorter. No actual biological difference, they're just short. Why? What benefit does that have? And apparently they're all contractually obligated to live underground and drink beer. Actually, that seems perfectly alright. Carry on dwarves.

*According to spell-check, "elves" is a word, but "dwarves" isn't. Huh.

Read a Book

It kinda sucks that all the book stores are closing, especially since it seems a bit premature. Sure, I think we all know that they're going to be completely dead at some point, probably within the next twenty years, but I thought e-books would become a bit more prominent before it started happening. At the moment, they're still kind of a fringe market. Sure, you hear about them all the time, but how many people do you know that actually read them on a regular basis? The market is there, sure, and I quite like e-books, so I'm all for it,* but it seems like we're not quite there yet. And yet, the book stores are all closing. That sucks. Books are alright too.

Of course, we all know the real reason. I think it was about ten years ago when people realized that hey, you can totally just read a whole book right there in the store. It's practically encouraged! They have those arm chairs, and they never kick you out, even if you stay there for five hours and don't buy anything. They're digging their own grave with that stuff. Especially since a lot of them started selling coffee. And having free Wi-Fi. I know kids who go into the book store, take a cram book off the shelf, study, put it back, and leave. That's gotta be killing them.

And well, yeah, there's also the fact that other forms of entertainment are totally destroying literature at this point, especially the internet. But that's too depressing for me.

*It's not the same as reading an actual book, sure, but those things are just too damn cheap. If you ever start to get worked up over the death of the written word, just remember how damn expensive new release hardbacks were.

After the Beep Guys

Can we all just collectively agree not to use voice mail anymore? It really doesn't have any more reasons to exist at this point. If someone calls your cell phone, and you don't pick up, you're going to see that you had a missed call. Every cell phone has that feature now. And if you see that, you're gonna call them back, or text them, or whatever. And then you don't have to deal with waiting for the robot lady to answer on the voice mail, then trying to remember what the hell your password was,* then listening to the ten minute message your drunk friend left at two in the morning about how they're having "a hell of a time" with all of the "hot bitches" and that you "need to get your ass over here right now".

And that's when you get an actual message at all. Don't you hate it when you go through the entire irritating process of getting connected to the voice mail, and then you find out that somebody just accidentally sat on their phone and left you a twenty minute long message containing nothing but some ambient noise and the occasional muffled scream? I think that's the point when we should have realized that we're basically abusive towards technology. All of this great stuff we can do, and we leave twenty minute voice mails with it. Awesome.

On the other hand, I am excited to be living in the world where the PHONE CALL is becoming obsolete. Technology is developing fast as hell guys. Something that was mind-blowingly revolutionary just over 100 years ago is becoming a minor annoyance. Awesome.

*I forgot my password years ago, so now I just don't listen to voice mail anymore. It is wonderful.

War Movies

I bet the Germans find our obsession with World War II really creepy. You know, because as far as I've been able to tell, if you even mention the Nazis over there, they come over to your house and beat the crap out of you. And can you really blame them? They're trying to move past all this stuff, and here we are making fifteen new movies and video games about it every twenty minutes. That's gotta be pretty annoying. Sure, the Nazis were evil, but I bet it make modern Germans pretty uncomfortable when we make video games where you're encouraged to mercilessly pummel the crap out of their ancestors. There's paying tribute to those who lost their lives in history, and then there's just obsessing over something. I think this has officially begun to qualify as the latter. It's been more than seventy years guys. Let's write something about some other wars.

Like hey, how come we never see anything about World War I? World War I was freaking insane man? Sure the sequel totally upped the stakes, but let's give some love to the poor guys who had to live in trenches. Or the friggin' original fighter pilots. How come Steven Spielberg never made a movie about that? Hell, we have more movies about Vietnam, and we were practically the bad guys in that one! Although I guess that does make for good anti-war stuff, but you know what? So does trench foot.*

Or hey, what about the Korean War? Is there ANYTHING out there about the Korean War? I haven't seen it if there is. Do you even know anythig about the Korean War? I don't. Someone make a movie about it.

*I'm not going to describe this. Just...just look it up.

You Are Not Tom Cruise

I think it's funny how most of the people who are "preparing" for the "zombie apocalypse" are exactly the sort of people who are probably going to be dead within days if something like that actually happens. I mean, here we have a whole bunch of geeks* who, for some reason, think that they'll be part of the few people who gets to stay alive, holed up inside a house, looting stuff and killing zombies all day. And frankly, it belies an incredible amount of rampant egotism in the geek community. "Well of COURSE I won't be turned into a zombie. I'm too SMART for them, and I wouldn't follow the CROWD like that." Alright Melvin, let's see how much your A in AP Chemistry is going to help you when there's one hundred shambling corpses tearing your arms off. Let me know how it goes.

Really, zombies are just a way for hipsters and other people who reject the mainstream just because it's the mainstream to convince themselves that they're better than everyone else. They'll always say that they're going to be sticking it out in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, but no one ever seems to point out the fact that, for someone to be alone, fighting zombies, the majority of the population also has to die. And what makes you think you're going to be one of the people who don't? You won't be. You know who will? People with a lot of money who can build enormous shelters. People who live in cabins in the middle of nowhere who already have real survival skills. You and your stupid ironic t-shirt will join the ranks within the first week, and you know it.

Personally, I'm hoping we all go out at the same time, and not just the planet. Just some universe-wide destruction thingy that kills all lifeforms at once. Admit it, it would make everything way less awkward. And then we'll all get to actually collect on all those bets about the afterlife. Or is that just me?

*Not taking a knock here, because I'm certainly one too, but I also try to be realistic.

I Got Plenty of Sports Ideas

I'm surprised America isn't more into rugby. Or rather, I'm surprised that we're not into rugby at all. After all, it's basically gained status here as "Football, but more hardcore and without all that sissy pad crap", so you'd think we'd be all over it. We're America, dammit! Our country's entire image is all about how goddamn badass we are, and how we're all brutal and could totally take you in a fight. So why aren't we the ones playing the extreme version of the game? What the hell are we, French? I think it's high time we showed those damn commies who's boss.

Furthermore, I think we need to start making water polo a big thing over here. Why? Why the hell NOT? Have you ever SEEN water polo before? It is simultaneously one of the most homoerotic and brutal sports ever, with the possible exception of high-speed downhill naked scrapbooking. This is a game where it is not only allowed, but encouraged, to drown the members of the other team. DROWN THEM. Are you telling me this isn't something rednecks wouldn't totally be all over. You're allowed to shove someone's goddamn head under water and kick them in the crotch, and the ref's not going to know any better because EVERYTHING IS UNDERWATER. Why aren't we playing this all the time?

And hey, what about lacrosse? And I don't mean lacrosse like they play it now, I mean old-style, original, beating people over the head with metal poles lacrosse. That seems like an awful lot like we'd be totally into. It's just like every other sport we have ("shoot the ball into the thing"), only with more sustained beatings with blunt objects. That's how you play, right? No? Well, it should be.

It Was Jesus All Along

I like it when athletes thank Jesus for winning some sort of stupid sports thing, for a variety of hilarious reasons. I guess these guys think that they're the best Christians in the world, or that they just prayed way harder than anybody else, because apparently God picked them to win the game instead of all the other guys that were asking for it. You know, like what if a team from Georgia and a team from Alabama are playing against each other? I'd imagine you'd have a lot of guys from both sides praying over it. And if one guy says afterward that God helped him win the game, what does it say about those other guys? Sorry, guess God just doesn't love you as much.

But more importantly, it also implies that God cares about sports, which is funny in its own sort of way. Apparently, these guys have convinced themselves that God has a direct effect on the outcome of these games. Actually, that brings up another question. If God IS helping you win the game, how exactly is he going about doing that? Surely bad things happening to the opposing team would be pretty beneficial in that regard. So let's say you win the game because some guy on the other team fell and broke his leg during a critical play. Did God make that guy fall down and break his leg? That doesn't seem like the sort of thing God would do. I think he's more part of the "let's not hurt other people" contingent.

Unless of course all these guys believe in the Old Testament God, in which case, I totally understand. They aren't asking their loving God for guidance, they're begging their VENGEFUL God to PUNISH OTHERS with his LIMITLESS POWER. Okay never mind, that's awesome. Keep doing that.

Population Is Like Four

I think we oughta do something with Wyoming. You know, big huge waste of space, basically. At least Montana's got some nice scenery, so you can justify going there just to see all their giant nature thingies, despite the fact that there aren't any people living there. But Wyoming is not only completely devoid of any sentient life, there's also nothing there. Just like sort of a big plot of...nothing. Maybe some bugs and like, some dirt. Or a tree or two. The point is, we probably wouldn't lose much, except maybe some farmland, but I'm sure we have plenty of that. We got Nebraska, and that's not even considering the possibility of an underground connection of farming communities. That's a thing that we can do, right? No? Well, it should be.

Then we could totally use the space for something awesome. Ooh, I know! Let's do one of those Homestead Act, land race things again. Just let a whole bunch of people loose in the state and let them claim free land. WAIT, but instead of letting farmers do it, we give it to business men and architects that are interested in building AWESOME THINGS. You know, like water parks and those aquariums that are filled entirely with sharks. Or...space...rocket...wait no, better idea.

Give NASA all of Wyoming and a couple billion dollars to do whatever the hell they want with. It'll be like the Manhattan Project, except with less irradiated corpses and more going to Mars. I think we can all support that, right? This has got to be the best way to save all of our global economic problems. That, or just printing more money.

Sign My Face

Why do we care if a famous person autographs something? I'm not asking as a "What is wrong with you weirdos?" sort of question, because I love getting random crap signed by musicians and the occasional terrified pedestrian. So what I'm wondering is why we all make such a big deal out of it. It's kind of like we all just sort of put our hands over our ears and pretend that there's no such thing as forgery. You know, as if nobody could POSSIBLY copy a famous person's signature. There's really no proof of anything, but we get really excited over the whole thing. And don't give me that "Certificate of Authenticity" crap. Because after all, if you can forge a signature, you can forge a stupid piece of paper.

As things go, I think the "get a picture with the poor bastard" method is much more effective. After all, that totally proves that you were there, and that you didn't just get your dad to scribble all over a piece of paper for you. Of course, there's always the chance that they won't want to take a picture with you, and then maybe they'll spit on your shoes or something. As far as awkward celebrity encounters go, that's probably as bad as it can get. Well, besides trying to grope them. Or steal their car. Or kill them. Okay, so maybe not, but it's up there.

I guess you could always get a video of them signing the thing, to prove that they totally signed the thing, but at that point you might as well just get a damn video of yourself with them. Never mind, I'm out of ideas. Stick with the autographs. They don't make any sense, but they do it consistently.

And You Can Get Porn On the Internet Too

People (including me) often talk about how the Internet is quickly killing off newspapers and that soon they'll all go out of business and we'll get to save a whole bunch of trees and thousands of people will lose their jobs and possibly end up homeless all that good stuff. But nobody ever seems concerned for magazines. It probably has something to do with the fact that nobody really cares about magazines, but that can't be entirely true. I mean, somebody's got to be still reading them, since they're making them and stuff, right? Right?

And I'm not talking about tabloids. For God knows what reason, people still seem to buy those, so they're apparently doing alright. I'm talking about specific interest kinda magazines. You know, video games, wrestling, underwater bee hunting, that kinda stuff. Who's buying these magazines when you usually don't even get them until you already know everything written in them, and you heard about it for free? There's websites that have articles about this stuff, and they don't come out once a month. They're there every damn day with new articles. How are magazines competing with that without resorting to giving away free condoms and chcolate with every subscrition? Well, I'd buy that, anyway.

My theory is that the guy who owns every magazine in the world (that's how corporations work these days, right?) made a deal with the devil. He gets to keep wasting glossy paper that could be better used for the offensive posters on my wall, an he gets to make money even if nobody buys him. And when he dies, he will be punished with a daily papercut to the face. That seems fair.

Speak Ill, If I Deserve It

I hope people don't pretend things about me after I die. Y'know, especially if I get in some kind of accident or something and end up dying young. They always say you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but I don't think you should lie either. Mainly, I just really don't want the people who thought I was a no-good son of a bitch while I was alive to act like they liked me, and that it was a great loss. I couldn't really explain why, but that would bother me a lot more than someone just coming out and saying I was a jerk and they didn't like me. I mean, I'd prefer if they say nothing at all, but if someone asks...well, they're entitled to their opinion, and they shouldn't have to pretend that we were friends just because I'm not around anymore.

See, who you were in life doesn't change once you die. I think acting like someone was a saint just because they're dead now is flat-out dishonest. I hate to bring this up again, but in the few years before Micheal Jackson died, everyone was making fun of him, mostly because of the fact that he probably molested a small child. Then he died, and everyone just pretended that that never happened. Now all of a sudden, he didn't do it, even if you all said that he probably did just a few months before. That's misconstruing the truth to protect the feelings of someone who no longer has feelings.

There's another thing. If I die, I don't want people who didn't know me acting like my death was a great loss to them. Let the people who actually cared about me mourn the loss privately. That should be the business of my personal friends and family.

Oh, and if you bastards go open-casket on me, I will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Or You Could Just Walk

I find it pretty funny that the bus companies keep trying to convince us that taking the bus is the environmentally-friendly option. Not because it isn't, because it's certainly better for the air than driving your own damn car everywhere, but because it's kind of a stupid point to argue. Yeah sure, you can make a whole bunch of advertisements telling everyone to start taking the bus because it's better for the environment, but there's a problem with that. For pretty much everybody who takes the bus, you don't do it because you care about the environment, you do it because YOU DON'T HAVE A CAR. You don't decide to ride the bus, you ride the bus because you have to.

And I don't think there's going to be a lot of people out there who already have cars who decide to get rid of their car and start riding the bus instead. In fact, I think targeting that demographic is kind of a waste of time in general. I don't think a lot of converts are going to be made in that department. If you already spent money on the car, you probably won't be riding the bus a whole lot, especially since the bus is woefully inefficient in comparison.

Actually, let's be honest here. I don't think the bus needs to advertise at all. I dunno, maybe they have way more money in their budget than they're supposed to, like there was a banking error or something, so now they have a whole bunch of advertisements for the bus. I think they should just put signs up all around the city that say "WE STILL EXIST AND PROBABLY WILL FOR QUITE A LONG TIME INTO THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE". And I'd be all "Hell yes you do." I'd totally ride the bus of a company that did that.

They're People Too

I think it's pretty cool how you can make your country environmentally-friendly just by making stuff green. Since green has become the standard color for "this probably won't suck all the air out of the atmosphere and give you twelve different kinds of cancer", people just sort of assume that anything that's green is good for the environment. And that's awesome, because it means you can convince people that your smog-spewing mega-corporation is totally opposed to lighting trees on fire without actually having to not light trees on fire. That's pretty convenient.

GE totally pulled this. Changed their logo from blue to green. Didn't actually do anything, just changed it to green. Apparently, this was to show their new environmentally-friendly direction. And they just kept on doing what they were always doing. That seems reasonable. And hey, if things keep going in the same direction they have been lately, corporations will be able to get citizenship, and then we'll be able to get our asses sued off for slander against a poor citizen. IS MY SARCASM THICK ENOUGH RIGHT NOW I HOPE SO.

Actually, I really do look forward to the day when a corporation runs for president, because I think that's the day when we should all be able to decide to just tear all our rules and governments down and start over, because things have gotten out of hand. Bam, new Constitution.

She Was Dressed Very Provocatively

I find it fascinating that Herman Cain is still attempting to run for president.* It's like he doesn't even realize the fact that everyone hates him. I mean, everyone hates Richard Nixon, and he had a scandal going on DURING his presidency. Not only has Cain not even been ELECTED, he hasn't even been nominated, and he already has a scandal going on. Point for point, he's way ahead of everybody else in the "coming off as a total scum bag" department. And I guess that's admirable, from an incredibly stupid point of view.

The thing is, all the Republican candidates are incredibly embarrassing and have no right to be the president, but here we have a man who SEXUALLY ASSAULTED at least four people and then paid them off so he wouldn't get arrested for it. And HE STILL THINKS HE'S GONNA BE THE PRESIDENT. Let's step back for a minute and just MARVEL at that. That's absolutely incredibly to me. In a way, it's impressive. Think about the amount of willful ignorance it would require to convince yourself that people were still going to vote for your ass after you pulled something like that. It's almost wonderful in it's stupidity.

Hopefully, he'll drop out in the next couple of weeks, and then...actually, I'm not sure what happens after that. Obama gets another four years, I'd imagine.

*Oh God you guys it's getting current events-y in here again, watch out.

Do Whatever I Want With MY Car

I wonder how many of these people who seem to take pride in showing a blatant disregard for traffic laws are really just anarchists who are really, really bad at sticking it to the man. You know, like they're trying to show society that THEY don't play by the rules, and THEY don't respect other people's safety just because some lame SIGN told them to. Let's face it guys, traffic laws are pretty much the only sort of laws that you should probably just not question and go along with. You know why? Because there's pretty much no such thing as a victimless crime when you're in a car. You're in an enormous metal box on wheels. You're not cool, you're pointlessly endangering other people's lives. You tool.

Now, we can all agree that anarchy is stupid right? "Yeah, we don't need no laws, I'll just take care of myself!" Okay boss, while you're over there taking care of yourself, I'll be stealing all of your stuff. That'll go over real well. And I don't think these people really consider what a pain in the ass it would be to get anywhere if there weren't any laws. I mean, you gotta have some rules about driving, right? Otherwise some guy could just drive on the sidewalk and mow down some kids, and NOW all of a sudden he's ahead of you. What a jerk. There should be a law against OH NO WAIT THERE AREN'T ANY LAWS YOU GET TO PISS OFF.

Laws are kinda like taxes guys. It sucks that you have to have them, but it'd be a lot worse if you didn't.

This Is the Worst Thing I've Ever Written

I bet I could get people to start eating their own poop if I convinced them that it would help them lose weight. Because as far as I can tell, people will do just about anything if you tell them that it'll make them less fat. I mean, they're already shoving their fingers down their throats to make themselves puked, which is so thoroughly disturbing and wrong that they might as WELL be eating poop. Just a small step man. If you got over the taste of vomit in your mouth every day, you can get over the taste of poop. Believe to achieve.

And of course, they really WOULD lose weight. Mostly do to complete and utter malnutrition, but it would happen. After their body absorbs all the nutrients and the waste is deposited, they can utterly fail in their attempts to absorb it again. Hell, double it and make it like the Grapefruit Diet. Eat nothing but grapefruit, then eat nothing but the processed remains of grapefruit. Boom. Sexy bikini body. For one week, before you drop dead from the lack of iron. And protein. And pretty much everything else. You know you want to.

And just think about all the problems it would solve! Okay, so it's really only two. First, we could curb the population a bit. Well, before the lawsuits start pouring in, but I bet I could win that case if I got a really good lawyer. Clever advertising and some manipulation of facts could mean I NEVER LIED. Second, we could curb the stupid population a bit. You fell for the "eat your own poop" theory? Well, you're dead now. Everything just got a whole lot roomier.

Insect Abuse

I'm really excited for when the really hardcore (read: stupid)* animal rights people start protesting the abuse of insects. That seems only fair, right? And think about all they places they could go with that! I mean, we kill millions of the little bastards every day, sometimes without even knowing it. There's a reasonably-sized industry focused entirely on buying and selling crickets to feed to pet lizards. Really the possibilities are endless. Stop insect abuse!

But hey, why stop with insects? Surely we could get indignant about the abuse of bacteria or viruses. Well, viruses aren't really technically alive, but that shouldn't matter. They have feelings too. And just because bacteria don't have brains doesn't mean your hand sanitizer doesn't make them cry you know. They're people, just like us. They have dreams and children and we're destroying them. Truly we are the real monsters.

Of course, none of this will really happen. And do you know why? Because they aren't cute. And animal rights activists aren't concerned with helping animals that aren't cute. That's why we get to eat fish without and screeching, but not whales. Fish aren't cute. They got freaky eyes and don't have lungs. Whales have lungs.

*Yes, I am pro-animal rights. No, I am not pro-PETA. Because they're dickheads.

AKA White People Problems

So I'm pretty sure confiscation is a bunch of crap.* Maybe it's just my massive emotional issues in regards to the concept of authority, but I am reasonably certain that teachers should not be allowed to take your stuff. Sure, they give it back, eventually. Sometimes if you wait a week. But guess what? That doesn't really make a difference. To use a completely absurd and not even reasonably apt comparison, if you embezzled a million dollars from the bank, and then said you shouldn't go to jail because you were going to give it back...well, you might be able to plead insanity,** but the point is, you'd still get arrested.

Because yeah, taking some kids phone because they were using it during class and then keeping it for five days? Yeah dude, that's stealing. I don't care what the principal says, that's stealing. Not that it matters, since being a student basically means you don't get to have rights. That's fascinating to me. And yet they still expect high school students to act like adults. Awesome.

And that's why no college professor is going to confiscate your iPod because you were using it during class. Because they have more important things to do. You know, like actually teaching the kids who want to be there. That'd be fun.

*This was in no way inspired by real-life events. No sir. I still have my iPod, that's for certain.
**This should probably be it's own sort of thing, but I'm just amazed by the fact that this is something you can occasionally get away with. "Nah dawg, I'm crazy. I don't even know what laws are. I'm going home now."

They're Like Cats Only Totally Different

I'm not sure if I'm entirely on board with the people that think dogs are really just incredibly intelligent and beyond us. Sure, dogs are certainly smart, but I don't think it's in the way that a lot of people think. No dogs are smart because they have everything figured out, as far as I'm concerned. They might not fully understand everything that happens to them, but they have life figured out. How do I know that? Because I've never seen a dog worried about paper work, and I've never seen a dog punch a wall because a computer broke. That may have more to do with the fact that they don't have hands, but that's beside the point. Dogs don't have jobs. A dog with good owners gets to sleep and chew on stuff all day. And they don't work. Okay, some of them do, but they don't even know they're doing jobs. They think they're just chasing sheep, or in the case of seeing eye dogs, GOING ON WALKS ALL THE TIME. Dogs have it figured out man.

That's why I think all those dog show people are awful and stuff. I mean besides all the crap they actually put the dogs through (forced in-breeding and all those other things that would get you executed if you were doing it to people), it seems fundamentally wrong to me to clean up a dog and make it all proper. Because dogs are, inherently, free-spirited and completely insane, and that's beautiful in it's own ridiculous way. And when you put bows on them and have judges inspect their ear wax, you're destroying that. That sucks man.

I'm still waiting for a day when the huge worldwide dog show that I'm too tired to remember the name of is completely ruined because all the dogs got all riled up and start running around and breaking stuff. Although unfortunately, I probably won't be watching at the time.