All Aboard the Fail Train

I bet it really sucks to work for Amtrak right now. Well, I guess that applies to every kind of...train company, I guess you'd call them. I dunno, we call them "airlines", right? "Trainlines" doesn't seem like a real thing. So sure, train company. Anyway, I say Amtrak because they're the ones who seem to be trying so damn hard. I mean, they advertise and stuff. They still have those huge-ass stations. In Los Angeles. Nobody takes the train in Los Angeles, but they're trying their damn hardest to stay alive. I can't decide whether that's inspirational or incredibly sad. See, because there is basically no advantage of a train over a bus, besides the fact that they're cooler and you're less likely to get stabbed. And it doesn't smell like pee. And nobody's going to try to have their way with you. Okay, so there are a lot of advantages, but none of them are "fifty dollar ticket" advantages.*

It was pretty funny how, after Bin Laden got shot in the face, Amtrak saw that the airlines were freaking out, because they thought for sure there was going to be a terrorist attack, so Amtrak started freaking out too. Yes, I am aware that there have been many train stations targeted by terrorists, but doesn't that seem like a little kid doing something just because his big brother is doing it, and he thinks it'll make him cool? Well actually, I guess since trains have been around longer, it's like a guy going through a mid-life crisis and trying to stay relevant in pop culture. In other news, this is the worst metaphor ever.

Now, if they could somehow figure out a way to make train travel efficient and cheap, I'd be all over that mess. Have you BEEN on a train lately? Probably not. But the damn things have BARS. And flippin' DONUT SHOPS. At the very least, air travel needs to start being that awesome. Hell yeah, I'd get strip searched for that.

*I have no idea if this is even close to a reasonable cost for a modern-day train ticket, but I don't care enough about trains to look it up. Pretend it's hyperbole and move on with your life.