Speak of the Devil Part 2

 Well, crap. The great Hollywood Hype Machine has let me down once again. I have seen a billboard for it, and while there will be another Saw movie, it will not be called Saw, as I had hoped. It's not even going to be called Saw VII! Apparently, numbering movies in the correct, linear order for seven films straight is just completely impossible, so this installment will be called Saw 3D. No, I am not kidding you.

First of all, everyone knows that you're supposed to make the third movie 3D so you can make a horrible pun about it. That's like a basic concept of film-making. More importantly, why are they only changing the numbering now. I mean, I realize that once a series gets too many sequels, the producers have made enough money to have their beds built out of crack, so they get a little loopy and just start calling them the movies title and then a stupid sub-title, but why now? The poster on the most trusted source on the internet, Wikipedia, says that it is "The Final Chapter". You can't just not name the last one! That's stupid!

Of course, this almost certainly won't be a problem, because there is no chance that this is "The Final Chapter". That simply will not happen. The freaking fourth Friday the 13th movie also claimed to be "The Final Chapter", and they made like six more after that. And you know what the worst part is? The damn thing will probably be getting a "reboot" in about ten years. And it's either going to be called Saw or Saw: Resurrection, so I might get my wish anyway.

Unintelligent Life Part 3

Welcome to the third installment of "Fiction portrays alien crap really stupid, doesn't it?"

I recently realized that for some reason, any time an alien planet is shown, there always appears to be only one climate. Obviously, this relates back to the "one culture, one language" thing I talked about last time, but I think this is a whole different problem altogether.

Take for example the planet Hoth from Star Wars, frequently described as an "ice planet". Now I know that obviously, there are planets that are very, very cold, like Pluto (which is still a planet, dammit. Don't listen to those "scientists"). However, these planets are almost certainly not habitable, and no amount of insane alien yeti skin would be able to keep Luke Skywalker from dying of hypothermia in twelve seconds. And yet they manage to spend almost an entire movie on it.

Think about the way the Earth works. There are thousands of different climates on just one small planet. Any planet that was at a safe and comfortable distance from its respective sun would have  to be like that. One that wouldn't would be impossible to live on. Either you'd freeze to death or the species would be wiped out after their testicles melted off. Hooray for science!

"How serious is he? Should I make fun of him or not? AAAAAUUUGH!!"

Better Than Formula One Part 2

Okay, so we've already discussed how much cooler NASCAR could be. What about other things on TV? For example, wouldn't it be awesome if Survivor didn't suck? In my lifetime, I have only ever met one person who watches Survivor and it was my dad, and he watches chick flicks, so he's not exactly an expert on entertainment. But it could be so cool!

Basically what I'm proposing is this: let's make it actually about surviving! None of this "challenge" or "tribe" crap. Just a bunch of people, dumped on a deserted island with no resources, forced to fend for themselves. Of course, the last one alive is the winner. You know, the SURVIVOR. The one who lived. I bet we could get tons of people to do it if we jacked up the prize money to, say, two million dollars. Stupid people will do anything for money. That's like, the Las Vegas creed. Put that on a t-shirt.

Of course, it would be a bit tricky. We'd have to find some way to get a whole bunch of small, durable hidden cameras to place all over the island, but I'm pretty sure we already have that technology. Though they'll have to be pretty sturdy to be able to take the occasional run-in with the bears. Oh, did I not mention the bears? Yeah, there's going to be bears.

And just for fun, make one of the contestants secretly work for "Fox". He has a machine gun. It'll be just like "The Most Dangerous Game"! Or possibly Battle Royale, but without the government conspiracy. Actually no, government conspiracy would be cool too. Let's get to work on that.

Schmuck Bait

Why do we abbreviate crap so strangely? Like pounds for example. Why is it abbreviated "lbs"? Because people are crazy! Obviously! That is the only logical explanation. Couldn't be anything else. And ounces too! What's up with that crap!? "Oz."!? Who came up with that? Were they drunk or something? Maybe they were all on crack! Yes, only someone under the influence of DRUGS could have come up with that! It had to have been the drugs! Or the rap music! Or....or....ah screw it, I can't do it anymore.

What is it with people not being able to grasp sarcasm? Or any kind of stealth parody at all? For example, have you ever met those people that really think Stephen Colbert is a conservative? Doesn't that just blow your mind? And if so, doesn't that sort of show what kind of view they have of themselves? Of course, the irony would probably be a bit too subtle for them.

How about the guys that take South Park's word as law? Haven't these people ever heard of satire? Or comedy in general? Or, I dunno, fiction? It's kind of interesting really. While South Park does often use it's plot to deliver morals about things, it's usually done in an incredibly silly way, and it's all sort of tongue-in-cheek. And yet people miss it. How?

Basically what I'm saying is, for those of you who can't grip satire, let me kindly show you the door. It's that big red X in the top-right. Or the top left, if you're a Mac user. Oh look, I just totally broke the flow of a joke. Go me.

Much Better to the Face

So what is the point of the fist-bump? I mean, it sort of works as a stand-alone thing, I suppose, but why is it that nowadays, every single high-five must be followed up with a fist-bump? Can't the high-five stand on it's own? It's worked perfectly fine for us up until recently, when everybody decided that it just wasn't enough. If the high-five is a game of "Battleship", then a high-five with a fist-bump is the electronic version that talks for no reason. Actually no, it's the electronic version that talks for no reason, but this particular one is broken because cousin Steve chewed through the cables again.

Come to think of it, what in the hell happened to the handshake? While yes, the high-five is faster and can look cooler, why is it that the handshake has almost completely died out? The worst thing about high-fives is that there's like a one in three chance that you'll miss the other guy's hand, or just barely touch it, and then both of you look like morons. But a handshake? Hell no! A handshake is always satisfying. A handshake is always final and secure. None of that hit-or-miss crap. Handshakes don't take no bull!

Then there's the fact that some people always try to come up with "secret handshakes". There are at least three problems with this. For starters, you aren't goddamn boy-scouts, you morons. Second, does anybody ever actually remember them after they make them up? Of course not! Because that would be stupid. And finally, what exactly makes it a secret? Are you only allowed to greet each other in private? And what about those people who try to make up handshakes that take like five minutes to do? Get a freaking job!

And hey, I managed to get through this whole post without saying the words "white boy bullcrap." I think I deserve a medal.

Shards of Stupidity

Why do we continue to make things out of glass? Doesn't this seem like a really bad idea? I mean yes, it looks fancy, but think about how often we break this stuff! If you accidentally drop a glass cup once, that's it! It's done! And now you have to spend like an hour cleaning up the shards of glass on the floor, which of course you can't see because it's clear. But you can't just leave it because then you'll get up at 2 AM to get a glass of water and end up with small spikes jammed inside your foot. Glass sucks.

And what about car windows and stuff? I mean, if that crap shatters on you, you're pretty much screwed. And since it breaks so easily with the simple application of say, a hammer, it pretty much makes stealing crap from people's cars a reasonable financial decision. Couldn't we make them out of hard, sturdy plastic? Sure, it would look atrocious, but it would be better than you look after you crash into that lamppost and get shards of glass jammed into your eye socket.

Basically, it all boils down to the fact that human beings put way more stock into aesthetics, rather than practicality. This is also the same devious problem that's behind garnish. Do you know why the Romans kicked the Greeks' asses? Because the Romans didn't care how their swords looked if they could slice someone's genitals off from three feet away.

Dinosaur Poems

"Arggg I'm a Bagaceratops 

Not very big

I come up to your socks

Me eating you is not of concern I'm a herbivore

I only eat ferns"

-"The Bagaceratops", Zachary Alcus

The easiest way to analyze this masterpiece will be to break it down line-by-line, finding the deep meaning behind each individual piece of the brilliance. Together they form an awe-inspiring whole, but separately, we can see the true genius that is Prof. Alcus's mind.

"Arggg I'm a Bagaceratops"
The Bagaceratops is, in fact, a real dinosaur. The true brilliance behind this line is it's ability to make the reader think that it is a fantastic creature, created for the purpose of the work. Combined with the use of the term "arggg", he creates an atmosphere of uncertainty. A feeling of both wonder and fear. What is this Bagaceratops? What does it do? Many questions are left unanswered within the poem, reflecting life itself and the way one might never know his own destiny.

"Not very big"
Here, we get our first indication of the stature of the Bagaceratops, which is key to the main theme of the piece. There are many different interpretations that could be made from this line. Is it a plea for help? A small cry of this creature, suffering from an acute inferiority complex? It could also be construed as a boast, a way of saying that although small, the Bagaceratops still considers itself quite powerful, which is reinforced by its mighty roar at the beginning of the poem. There's also the possibility that Alcus is once again introducing a metaphor on the life of a human being, saying that, like the Bagaceratops, we are also not as powerful as we may think.

"I come up to your socks"
This line is a major turning point in the epic tale of the Bagaceratops. Being a dinosaur, the Bagaceratops would have, naturally, lived millions of years ago. And yet here, it makes reference to a modern-day technology, that of socks. Could this possibly mean that the poem is the lament of a tormented creature, revived by scientists to bend to their will? Perhaps Alcus intended it as a satire of the Jurassic Park series, reversing the roles of the flawed but largely benevolent scientists and the thoughtless, killing dinosaurs. It may be Alcus showing us that although we may not see it ourselves, animals may have just as much sentience as ourselves, and we often forget this.

"Me eating you is not of concern I'm a herbivore"
At this point, we are further confronted with the humanity of the Bagaceratops. Alcus obviously constructed the grammar poorly deliberately, to reflect the juvenile nature of the poor creature. It is highly likely that the Bagaceratops is a child of it's species, not knowing what to do in this world it has just been brought into. These two small facts about itself seem to be things that it has overheard the scientists saying, and it mindlessly parrots them back, being all that it knows. The words seemed to be the scientists reassuring themselves, saying that the dinosaur can't turn on them, for it only eats plants.

"I only eat ferns"
After this line, the poem abruptly cuts off, possibly symbolizing the death of the Bagaceratops, or possibly the loss of its own sentience by use of machines. Where does life go on from here? We are never told. We may never know the true story of the Bagaceratops, this analysis only being the tip of the iceberg that is the genius of this work.

Join us next week when we'll be discussing the deep homoerotic undertones of Jack and the Beanstalk.*

*Not really

Better Than Formula One

Does anyone else think NASCAR would be greatly improved by the inclusion of weapons? While yes, this idea already applies to most things, I think that in this case, it could benefit the industry monumentally.

Now, I don't watch NASCAR. Or any form of car racing, for that matter. Watching cars go around in the same circle for several tedious hours just doesn't appeal to me for some reason. But can you imagine the possibilities here? I'm thinking we add a second person to every car: the weapons specialist! It's this guy's job to somehow hinder or stop the other competitors. Give him a shotgun, a sniper rifle, some buckets full of nails, a few grenades, and a bazooka (only one round for the bazooka. Make it count). I mean, these guys are already risking their lives for the noble cause of entertainment, why not crank it up a notch? There's so many things we could do with is!

How about one specific spot on the car that's extremely vulnerable? Like, there's a bunch of explosives under the metal, and if it's struck to hard, it bursts into flames! Wouldn't that be awesome? Better be careful not to roll your car over! A pebble might puncture your weak point! Paint a big, red X on it and you're all set!

 The pit crew will have to go of course. Let the weapons specialist have a direct line to the fuel tank and have him do the fill-ups. Wheel blown out? Sucks to be you! And let's get rid of the pacer cars too. They ruin things. Crap's blowing up? Keep driving bro! You got a race to win! You gotta keep that lead or someone might lob a grenade through your window. You'll go down in a blaze of flaming glory, but man, what a way to go!

Let's get some work done here people! What? What "economic crisis"?

The Town Liar

I don't understand the point of school newspapers. They're a waste of paper. I mean yeah, they can provide valuable practice for someone looking into becoming a journalist or something like that, but must they force it onto the rest of us? I'm not saying it's all horrendously written. I've seen high school-level kids who can write better than some published authors. I'm saying that there's nothing for them to write about.

Do you remember those TV shows where they would have that one episode where the main character gets on the school newspaper and then breaks this huge scandal about some teacher? And then do you remember how disappointed you were when you found out that that will never happen? If there was some huge thing where a teacher got fired over sexual harassment, the journalism teacher sure as hell isn't going to let some kid write about it. That's against the rules. And we can't have that. Because that would be too awesome.

And they aren't allowed to write honest reviews about school plays or anything either. Because then (gasp) someone's feelings might get hurt! Is this preparing kids for the real world? Not really. If no one ever tells you, hey, you sucked, won't that result in some kind of ego problem in the human population. Oh wait, it already did!

So I say either drop the whole thing altogether and just make journalism a class where you actually, you know, learn how to write, or just let kids write about whatever the hell you want. The sharp increase in teenage crying would be a reward by itself.

Speak of the Devil

Hey, speaking of Saw. . .

What's up with that crap? I'll be perfectly honest, I have never seen a Saw movie. This is primarily because I hate horror movies. I've never really understood the appeal of not being able to sleep for three weeks. But it's also because I wasn't very old when the first one came out, and I tend to avoid any movie series that goes over four. And there are like six of those damn things at this point.

I have to ask people who have seen them, does anything happen in these movies anymore? Shouldn't they be out of deathtraps by now? Hasn't it gotten extremely tedious by this point? I don't know. It's like the Friday The 13th movie. There were fifteen of those movies, and only like five of them were any good. You know things are bad when they change the setting from a summer camp to a space station. Or maybe it's a rocket or something. I don't know, I haven't actually seen it. Because I do this stupid thing where I try to keep my brain cells. Not  sure why.

And how many Nightmare On Elm Street movies were there? A whole crapload, right? And they made remakes of both of those series! Is there going to be a Saw remake soon? I hope so. And I really hope they just call it Saw. That would be awesomely stupid. Don't let me down, Hollywood.

Ask a Stupid Question. . .

What the hell is the deal with pumpkins? I mean, yes, that is an incredibly dumb question, but they certainly are very strange, aren't they. They're enormous, nearly hollow. and have weird stringy crap on the inside. Yes, you can occasionally make some good food out of that gooey crap, but you can't really just eat a pumpkin. Well, I guess you could, but if you did, you'd probably look back on that decision years later as the point where your life started going downhill. Or possibly a few hours later, when they're pumping your stomach.

I suppose it sort of makes sense, since obviously the plant that doesn't get eaten would survive longer, as long as it has other ways of spreading its seeds. And I'm pretty sure other animals besides humans eat pumpkin, so I guess that explains that issue, but what exactly is their purpose? I'm reasonably certain that there are no species who sustain themselves entirely on pumpkin. And if I'm wrong, bite me.

I mean like, I'm sure there has to be a reason. Like, maybe they're actually aliens that really, really suck at invading planets. Considering how often they get their faces shredded up, they must reproduce like crazy. Actually, if they are sentient, can you imagine how horrific that must be. Having a new face carved in your face with a knife? That's like something out of Saw.

ADD MOMENT

Don't Blog and Drive

Have you ever been driving/riding/cowering in the trunk down the highway and seen one of those big, light-up signs? "DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE" they proclaim, distracting you and causing you to rear-end the Prius in front of you. What is up with those things?

Okay, so let's say you're on the freeway, driving, and completely hammered. And then you see the sign! Oh crap! What exactly are you supposed to be doing in this situation? You're already driving! Do they want you to pull over and sleep in your car until you sober up? I don't think that's a good idea. Or legal for that matter.

Okay, let's say you aren't drunk, but you're on your way to a bar. You see the sign and what do you do? You can't just not go to the bar. Your friends and/or hookers are waiting for you! So you go to the bar anyway and a few hours later you're drunk out of your mind? You're about to get in your car, but then you remember that sign on the highway. Unfortunately, you can't remember what exactly the sign said, and you're too blitzed to care. So you get in your car and rear-end the Prius in front of you.

Who's idea was this?

Taking Me Seriously Part 2

Why is it only considered racism if it's perpetrated against people who aren't white? Yes, yes, I realize that pretty much every single race on the planet has been wronged by white people in some way, but did you ever think that maybe I don't agree with what my ancestors did? Why should I have to be punished in some form because my great-great-great-great-great grandfather was a dick? Is that fair?

There are so many things that a black person could say to a white person that would get the white guy beaten up if the roles were reversed. It's an interesting dynamic, isn't it? Basically what I'm saying is, the fact that your ancestors got screwed over 500 years ago does not give you license to act like a tosser.

You know what else is interesting? The fact that someone is going to somehow call me racist for saying all this. How exactly does that work? Apparently when you're white, you're not allowed to talk or make jokes about race at all. Like stand-up comedians for example. When Micheal Richards called two black hecklers the n-word, it essentially ruined his career. But if a black comedian used similar types of slurs to insult a white heckler, no one would bat an eye. And yes, I know that the n-word has an awful history and anyone using it at all should get the crap kicked out of them, but come on, I'm trying to make a point. If they made fun of them for being white at all, no one would care, but don't you dare try it the other way around.

People: CRAZY.

Drivel Waterfall

Why exactly do we continue to fight long after it's been made abundantly clear that neither person is going to change their mind? Do we get bothered by the other person being wrong so much that we feel the need to waste so much energy on it? And this is not a criticism of society, this is something I do all the time. What the hell is wrong with us?

Let's take an example: creationists versus atheists. Without taking sides, why do either of them bother arguing? Nothing either one of them says will ever get the other to say "Okay, yeah, you're right. God does/doesn't exist." It simply won't happen, and yet people keep debating it. No one wins this fight. All you get is a sore throat and a strong hatred of your fellow man.

Let's try another one: gay marriage. I am thoroughly convinced that, besides the post-puberty "holy crap I've been being a homophobic dick" epiphany, no one's opinion has ever been swayed in this argument. Ever. The people who argue against it will not change their characters that drastically, and the people who argue for it are not going to say "Damn, you're right. Gays are evil. Let's go kill some queers." It doesn't work like that. Or rather, it doesn't work like that with people who don't have railroad spikes lodged in their brains. Yeah, I'm willing to take sides on that.

I'll say it again: People are crazy.

Taking Me Seriously

Why are politicians allowed to say completely racist, bigoted things about Islamic people and get away with it? If they were talking about any other race at all, they could never even think about being elected again. I realize that this is kind of more serious than what I usually talk about, but it's been bugging me.

Basically, people think it's okay to say that Barack Obama is "secretly Muslim" and that this is a bad thing. Besides the fact that this idea is stupid enough, the fact that they think this would make him "evil" is unbelievable. Yes okay, there are some Muslim extremists who are terrorists, but this is what's known as a vocal minority. In the 1400s, Christopher Columbus and his men slaughtered thousands of Indians. They were white Christian men. By the logic of these people, all white Christian men are evil. You see where I'm going with this?

How exactly can they get away with doing this? Didn't get over this crap by the end of the nineties? The Civil Rights Movement wasn't just about black people you know. It was about all races, genders, religions, sexualities, whatever. Just because Martin Luther King Jr. was a black man didn't mean that he only wanted rights for black people. Equality for all was kind of the point guys.

And what in the hell happened to separation of church and state? Isn't that kind of supposed to be a big deal? Nobody should ever, ever have rights taken away from them because of what they believe. Gay people have this same problem, and they've had to put up with it for decades.

Put your gun away Grand Dragon. We don't need you in City Hall.

Unintelligent Life Part 2

Okay, so we've already established that people have very little imagination when it comes to aliens. However, I recently had another realization about this, and it's a strange one.

Have you ever noticed that in every single depiction of extraterrestrial life in well, anything, there's always only one culture to each planet? Like, on every individual planet, all the people look the same, and they all speak the same language. Does that seem right to you? That would be like if everyone on Earth spoke "Human" or "Earthanese". This is of course barring the times when they all arbitrarily speak English for no adequately explored reason.

And they all dress the same too. If they're monster-like, all of them wear identical armor, regardless of whether or not they're soldiers. If they're humanoids, they're either gray and naked or look exactly like people and all wear skintight jumpsuits. This is also in the cases where they're not just floating tentacle/brain things. I'm reasonably certain that wouldn't be evolutionarily sound. An exposed brain sounds like a disadvantage. Although it's never been to much of a problem for me.

Gravity's Just Misunderstood

Why exactly do people want flying cars? Does anyone realize that this wouldn't provide any benefits over regular cars? Do they just think that they could just fly over everyone else so they never have to sit in traffic again? Yeah, that would be fine, except everyone else will be doing the exact same thing.

So there would have to be rules. We'd have to put little floating gates in the sky to keep people in line. So that would be kind of cool, right? The more layers of traffic we add, the less traffic there is on each individual layer! This is gonna be great! Okay then, let's say you're on the very top layer. Okay, now let's say you get in an accident and your jet engine or whatever's keeping you in the air gives out. So you fall. To the ground. From several hundred feet in the air. On top of a street with more cars on it.

You can see where I'm going with this. I think it would be much better if we could figure out a way to make people fly. That would be pretty sweet. It wouldn't be any less dangerous, but it would also be friggin' awesome. Flying cars would just be like being bored in a car and being bored in a plane at the same time. And also being dead.

Man, that was tortured. I need to fire my writing staff.

To Get To The Other Shut Up

Why is it that the first joke children are ever taught is "Why did the chicken cross the road?" When you don't really know what a joke is, the punchline doesn't really make any sense. It just sounds like some idiot stating the obvious. You know, like this blog.

It's actually a pretty brilliant subversion of the "punchline" concept. The recipient is expecting an actual joke at the end, but then finds out that there isn't one. It's a really clever type of humor. So why is the most generic, repeated joke a joke that relies entirely on the recipient of the joke to be familiar enough with the concept of a joke to even make sense? Because people are stupid.

Like, was a seriously the only one who, as a kid, just thought that it was either way over my head, and I would figure out with years more experience, or that everyone around me had some kind of brain disease? You know, because when I was a kid, I didn't know what a joke was, but I did know all about brain diseases.  My parents were strange people.

Well, this post was a bit too short, so to make up for it, please enjoy this picture of a bear.

Please Curb Your Children

Has anyone else noticed the recent "child leash" phenomenon? And has anyone else noticed how extremely disturbing it is? For those of you have brains that haven't been tainted by seeing this madness, there are apparently some parents who are so astronomically terrible at parenting that they have to put their children on leashes. I wish I was making this up.

I mean like, seriously? You can't be bothered to keep an eye on your kid because you're too busy talking on your cell phone, so you have to put them on a freaking leash? These people should have their children taken away. Not because they're being abusive or anything, but because they're obviously too stupid to tell the difference between a baby and a dog. Just because they both poop wherever they want doesn't mean they're the same thing. There are a few differences. For example, dogs are a lot cleaner and have better toys.

I think an even better question is, who the hell came up with this? I have two theories. It was either invented as a bet, or by drunk people making a bet. In the first scenario, some guy challenged his friend to come up with the stupidest thing possible and make money off of it. His first attempt was the Tiddy Bear, but he thought he could do better, so the child leash was born. The second scenario is pretty much the same, except at a bar and with more puking. Well, a little bit more puking.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take Timmy for a walk.

Not Murdering People

I really, really hate the "Foundation For A Better Life". I know that this sounds like an extremely petty thing to complain about, but I am pretty thoroughly convinced that they are a large group of people who are extremely dedicated to being impotent and stupid.

If you haven't seen any of their commercials, they basically involve some sort of "inspirational" scene where people act kind towards their fellow man and all that crap, followed by a voice-over saying: "(positive personality trait), pass it on! A message from the Foundation For A Better Life". Now, I just have one simple question. What exactly do they want these commercials to accomplish? Do they really think that some delinquent who's about to beat someone to death in a bar fight is going to stop himself and think back to some idiotic commercial he saw last night and decide that it's a bad idea? Is this going to change ANYTHING? It's a waste of airtime and money.

Most PSAs aren't much better, but at least the idea behind them makes some sort of sense. Or at least, the ones that actually tell you the REAL dangers of drug use make sense. Not the ones that tell you you'll become deflated or your dog will start talking or something. Of course, these are paid for by the government and all, and I'm not really sure what level of reality those people are operating on.

Come to think of it, does anyone one know if the "Better Life" commercials are government-funded? Because that would be incredibly depressing.

The Question Marks Make The Blog Post Fancy

Am I the only one who really hates garnish? Not because I think it makes food taste bad or anything, but because it serves no practical purpose. "What exactly are these leaves doing on my spaghetti?" "Oh they're for decoration. It makes the food more presentable." "By making it look like a bush?"

And what's up with that crap at those insanely high-end restaurants where you have to pay eighty dollars for like, an ounce of food? I mean, I realize that making jokes about this is pretty trite, but it just really bugs me. I've never been to one of these places myself, because I don't posses the necessary income to waste money that could be better spent on something useful, like video games, but even the thought of it kind of pisses me off. I'm torn between thinking that the chefs are delusional or if they know they're swindling us and think it's hilarious. Or both.

At what point did we decide that basic bodily needs had to look fancy? It's like it's not even food anymore. Sometimes I think people seem to forget that you have to eat to, you know, survive. I think we should just make all food featureless gray blocks. Just for awhile. It would be fun! Like those stupid taste tests "experiments" from third grade, except all the time!

Can't imagine why chefs don't listen to me.

Channel Surfing Is A Sport

Why is "World Championship Poker" on ESPN? The last time I checked, ESPN stood for "Entertainment Sports Programing Network". Ignoring for a moment how stupid this phrase sounds, how exactly is poker a sport? It involves sitting on your ass putting down pieces of cardboard while simultaneously wearing a stupid visor. An impressive feat for maybe, say, a quadriplegic, but for the average poker player, it's not exactly physically grueling. And I'm pretty sure the quadriplegic gets more exercise than the average poker player anyway.

It's probably just the first step for ESPN to become just like MTV. Pretty soon they'll be showing reality shows and cartoons that have a vague connection to sports, and then just drop the sports thing altogether. Speaking of MTV, there's MTV. Does anybody know what exactly happened there? Was the music thing really just not working anymore? I mean, I realize that advent of YouTube has made showing music videos pretty much pointless, but could they have at least TRIED to make some shows that are somehow related to music. And no, showing music videos at 3 AM doesn't count. Everyone is either too drunk or asleep to care at that hour. Of course, it doesn't really matter, because nobody watches MTV anymore anymore. Gee, I wonder why.

It's the same thing that happened to G4. Remember when G4 actually had shows about video games? Wasn't that kind of neat? Now there's what, one show still about them? As far as I can tell, X-Play is the only video game-related show on the network. The rest of them are all brainless reality shows like "Cheaters". This is even more aggravating than the MTV example, because as far as I know, there are no other channels based around video games, at least in my area. Which is a shame, because it's actually quite a novel concept.

Originality makes rich network executives weep.