Pre-Ripped

So the other day I bought a nice new pair of jeans, because my old ones were too short and too raggedy. This morning, I put them on and discovered, with horror, that I had somehow manage to already make a few small cuts about halfway down the thigh of the pants. "How could this have happened?" I said aloud to myself, because apparently I'm insane and do that all the time. "These are freaking brand new!"

And so continues the monumentally retarded trend of "pre-ripped" jeans. Who came up with this idea, and why are they allowed to live? Seriously, this is like buying a freaking coloring book that's already been done for you, or a video game that has all the bosses already dead!

First of all, the whole point of having torn jeans is the memories. You can revel in the fact that that one tear is from the time you ripped off a piece of denim on your shovel while you were burying that dead body in the woods, or how this other one is from the time you got extremely drunk and convinced yourself that you could fly off your roof. Each little hole, a memory of something stupid you did. All the bar fights, the bike accidents, everything adding to the memories of your beloved pair of jeans, until they becoming disgusting and smelly enough that your mom makes you throw them out.

Even more importantly, who the hell thought up the idea to sell damaged merchandise to us? How stupid do they think we are? I mean come on, I have almost no faith in humanity, and even I think this is just low. What's next, food with bites already taken out of them? Pre-shattered shot glasses?

This is why I hate shopping.