Fox News Liberal

I often wonder why the people who complain about Fox News so much keep watching Fox News. I mean yeah, we get it, it's an embarrassment, but then why are you still watching it? You know, because SOMEBODY'S gotta be posting all those videos on YouTube. Taking the time to record all of it and everything? That's a lot of dedication to something you hate. It's not like there aren't fifty thousand other news channels on. Or hell, the internet. Or hell, pretty much anything else to do that isn't watching Fox News.

A lot of people argue that it's good to watch things like that, to see what the "other side" is thinking. But you know what? No. Fox News is not the "other side". That's like saying that the "other side" for conservatives are the PETA people. Yes, they're idiots, and they're fun to make fun of, but most people aren't actually like that. The "other side" is the actual smart, competent Republicans. You know, the ones that can actually articulate their beliefs beyond "Barack Obama is totally a gay Muslim". I think sometimes we forget that some of the people who disagree with our opinions aren't insane, racist bastards. Some of them are alright.

But I suppose it's pointless, since as long as there are idiots, there will be cynics like me to make fun of them. But I'm just wondering where all these people are coming from. Maybe they just LIKE Fox News, but they make fun of it because they want to fit in. Peer pressure is a harsh mistress.

If You Don't Copy/Paste This Ten Times...

You know, we're going to be totally screwed if somebody comes out with a chain letter that actually has mystical properties. Or I guess chain copy/paste these days, but whatever. You know, because somehow, there are apparently some people who still believe that if they don't repost that message, a ghost is totally gonna come to their house and pummel them with a 2x4. I don't think I've ever actually met any of those people in real life, presumably because they often die too quickly running into open traffic after being convinced that there would be candy under that manhole. But whatever, we let these people have their insane sputterings on YouTube, and maybe someday one of them won't repost enough times and they'll end up getting raped by the ghost of a gay cowboy, or whatever it is they say these days.

But that's the thing. If there were actually a chain letter that actually killed you if you didn't repost it, all of the calm, logical, rational people would DIE OUT. And the stupid, gullible ones would get to live! That's actually pretty brilliant, if you think about it. All the ghosts that I imagine are reading this, please don't steal this idea. I'm now planning on using it to get revenge on whoever inevitably kills me after mistaking me for a van. Or a quail. Basically what I'm saying is that I plan to get killed by the border patrol, or possibly Dick Cheney.

It's sort of like all those internet ads that offer you free stuff for no discernible reason. How many people still fall for those? And how many of them get sectioned every year. "Oh HEY! Advertisers have never lied to me BEFORE. Sweet!"

Please See This Movie Oh God

I think it's awesome that Tom Cruise still thinks that putting his name on a poster makes people go "Oh snap, Tom Cruise is in this! We gotta go see it!" Or rather, that advertisers missed that, since I'm about 97.4% certain that he didn't actually put together the poster for Mission Impossible 4,* although I imagine that situation might have come up, because he's probably crazy enough to insist on it. Apparently, they all didn't get the memo that pretty much everyone started hating Tom Cruise about three years ago when we realized hey, this man is dangerously insane. Also, he's a Scientologist,** and everyone hates Scientologists. Sure, there are plenty of them in Hollywood, but most of them at least try to keep it somewhat under wraps. Tom Cruise is the Scientology equivalent of those Jehovah's Witnesses who won't get off your goddamn porch.

But hey, maybe they're banking on the whole "crazy" thing. After all, people do love spectacle. That's why we so greatly enjoyed Charlie Sheen going completely off the rails a couple months ago. So I guess maybe they're trying to convince people that they might have accidentally left in the take where he went insane and tried to shank one of the other actors for hailing Xenu. Actually, that'd be pretty good. If Mission Impossible 4 has a blooper reel, I would love to see it.

At least John Travolta had the courtesy to already be a complete nutcase. Cruise just sort of slower went more and more nutty. Hollywood does great things to people, you know that?

*I refuse to call it Ghost Protocol, because it's the fourth goddamn movie and all the other ones had numbers on the end.
**These two things are very rarely mutually exclusive.

Mobile Cellular Telophone

I like the direction the whole "smartphone" thing has been going lately. I mean, first we had the iPhone, and it's pretty cool. And then Google went, "Hey, we could do the same thing but with more accessible software and a confusing interface!", so then we got all the Androids. And those are pretty cool too. I don't buy into the whole "iPhone vs. Android" war, mostly because I find any sort of war between groups of people who like specific products (see: Mac vs. PC, the Console Wars, the Iraq War) to be incredibly disturbing, but also because they're pretty much the goddamn same and I don't care so shut up.

ANYWAY, I like the idea of everyone just walking around with a fully functional computer that can look up anything and play music and video games and brush your teeth and even occasionally make phone calls if you're lucky. It's a cool concept, mostly because it reminds me of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, except instead of just being Wikipedia, there's also porn. And other stuff, but mostly porn, because we're talking about the internet and that joke is obligatory with that territory. 

The only problem I see is that they can't pull the whole "Let's just keep making them smaller and smaller until they become horrifically uncomfortable to use" thing again, because the format makes it pretty much impossible. Which is good, because the whole "micro" thing pisses me off. So instead, they're just going to keep making those bastards faster and faster, until they're on par with the speed of our modern PCs. And then we can just plant a flag in the ground and declare that we have officially reached the future. I'm excited.

Tax Collectors

You gotta feel bad for meter maids and traffic cops. Or really, anyone who has a job that forces them to do stuff that pisses other people off. Like repo men. I mean after all, they're just doing they're jobs. I bet the guys who have to write people parking tickets get screamed at pretty much every day. You know, like some guy tries to park his car on the twentieth floor of a skyscraper while he goes out to buy string beans and you gotta go in there and write him a little piece of paper that says "Hey you know what? Maybe you should park ANYWHERE BUT HERE." And then the dumbass comes back while you're doing it and starts yelling about how there was a very important task he had to attend to. And then when you ask him about all the grocery bags filled with string beans, he claims that he was thwarting a robbery at the supermarket. And then he tries to sue you, and you drink a lot. Or at least, that's what I assume happens.

Then again, it'd probably take a certain type of person to pursue this kind of career in the first place. Like how they always portray repo men on TV as being soulless psychopaths who derive an almost perverse sexual glee from taking other people's stuff. Although I bet that probably wouldn't go over very well during the interview, unless the other guy was equally psychotic.
"So Johnson, what makes you think you're qualified for this position?"
"I LIKE TAKING PEOPLE'S THINGS! HAHAHAHA!!!"
Although even the psychopath might get a bit nervous once you start chewing on the desk and trying to remove his necktie by force. So maybe all repo men aren't kleptomaniacs, but it'd probably help. Also, I may have kleptomania confused with complete insanity. Oh well.

I Don't Actually Understand Science At All

I think we should push the whole genetic engineering thing as far as we possibly can. You know, just to play God and make everything completely ridiculous. See, because I don't believe the whole "tampering with the things man was not meant to" thing. I believe that if we have the technology, we should laugh in the face of nature and make as many affronts to God's design as we possibly can. When some other species shows up and takes over this planet,* we should make them REMEMBER THAT WE WERE HERE dammit! Every time they look at the apples the size of watermelons growing in the backyard, they'll remember the crazy bastards that used to live here.

Cus we're already kinda doing this sort of thing, just on a way smaller scale. Engineering enormous strawberries and dogs with horrific inbreeding. All that good stuff. I think we should have the balls to tamper with the laws of the universe and make unnecessarily huge dogs that live for fifty years. And cats that can talk. Is that a thing we can do? It should be. All that funding we put towards important stuff? Child's play. Those glow-in-the-dark pigs are just the beginning people. Soon we will have pets that make zero goddamn sense. And it will be awesome.

Okay, so probably not, but I would love for the "genetically modified food" people to shut the hell up. You wanna not starve? Eat your goddamn Frankenstein carrots and shut up. You people are holding up the future.

*Either aliens or dolphins, really.

Rick Perry is a Dickhead

I normally don't do this sort of thing, but I talk about this kind of stuff all the time, and it's really pissing me the hell off at the moment, so I figured I'd discuss this a little bit. I would really encourage you to watch that entire video. Really listen to what this man is saying. Then remember that he wants to be the PRESIDENT OF OUR COUNTRY. This is a man that thinks that a pretty respectable population of our country are a bunch of disgusting deviants who shouldn't have the right to serve in our military. That pretty much proves to you right there that he's a massive dickhead. But hey, plenty of politicians are dickheads, right? Sure, but you should also consider the fact that he's a goddamn idiot. This is a man that thinks that Christians are a persecuted minority that get throttled down by the raging atheists that are running America. Here we have a guy who, again, wants to be the GODDAMN PRESIDENT, and he believes that there is actually a real, actual "War on Christmas". And he WANTS TO BE THE PRESIDENT.

And yeah, he thinks it's totally alright to basically say "If I'm president I will put the Christ back in EVERYTHING." Because keeping religion separate from government is an extremely alien policy when your head is shoved so far up your ass that you can now breathe in through at least four orifices. Ya can't do that, okay? If you want to run people's lives that way, how about you go back to Imperial England. Have fun over there, you lifeless sack of bastard.

Or, perhaps, maybe he doesn't think these things. In fact, he might not be nearly this insane. He'd still be an idiot, of course, but he'd be a bit less crazy. See, Perry knows that he's kind of screwed at this point, due to the fact that everyone, y'know, totally hates his bigoted ass. But you know who's just as bigoted and insane? Fundies. And you know fundies love this commercial. You know why? Because fundies are bastards, just like Rick Perry. And they laugh in the face of your so-called "separation of church and state".

Go to the YouTube page and flag this video as inappropriate for hate speech towards sexual orientation. And then tell Rick Perry to go eat a dick.

They're Sneaky

It's interesting how we put so much arbitrary trust into certain professions. Locksmiths for instance. You're basically giving a locksmith the means to break into your house and take all your stuff, and nobody ever seems to worried about that. I guess we're just too afraid of offending them. "I don't trust that guy with the only key to my house." "Oh Barbara, you're just saying that because he's British." You know, all those offensive stereotypes. Wouldn't want to be seen as a racist. So we trust some guy to make duplicates of our keys while we go over to the bar next door to get drunk. Awesome.

Same sorta thing going on with plumbers. You know, sometimes. The kinda guys that don't really have any idea what the plumber is actually doing, so they just go off to another room and hope that he figures it out. But we're very trustworthy of this guy in the trucker cap. He won't steal anything. And yeah, he almost certainly won't. Isn't that weird? By that I mean, isn't it weird that I think it's weird that he isn't going to take all your stuff? Does that make any sense? Probably not. What I'm saying is, society has basically programmed us not to trust anybody, because ANYBODY COULD BE A SERIAL KILLER YOU JUST DON'T KNOW. But sometimes, we just totally forget about that. I have absolutely no idea what the point I'm making is.

That kinda attitude is all over the place on the internet, isn't it? On the internet, anyone could be a pedophile. You just don't know. And they're all going to come and rape you. And you know, this would be harder to argument if the internet would stop proving it right every other week.

Cryptozoology

I wish we had more crazy adults who believe in Santa Claus. Why not? There's the Loch Ness Monster people, the Big Foot people, the Scientologists...why should we not also have the insane Santa Claus contingent? Just because something is provably non-existent doesn't mean there shouldn't be a massive number of people claiming that they've seen it. I couldn't even find a website for it. Talk about a let-down. It doesn't matter whether or not you can just say "No dude listen, that was just your dad putting the presents in the living room." There is no amount of substantial proof that can't be ignored by the right kind of person by sticking their fingers in their ears and screaming.

Really, I just want someone to mount a mission to the North Pole to try to find him. Wouldn't that make a great story? They did something like that with Nessie, and it was hilarious. Sonar and everything. Turns out she wasn't there. I was shocked, personally. But what I really want to see is somebody start a video blog, showing all their preparation and research for their massive North Pole excursion to finally conclusively prove the existence of Santa. Tell me you wouldn't watch that. I would, but I'm also dangerously insane, so I might have a bit of a sampling bias there.

If anything, we could probably get all the Occupy people all over it, since the elves are all apparently working slave labor. That'd be fun, right? Get a bunch of rebels to go in and beat the crap out of Santa. We should get in on that. Best Christmas ever.

The Twenty Dollar Man

I'm a bit worried about the day that it becomes possibly for me to wire a USB port into my arm. Probably because I know myself a bit too well. See, I'm all for the cybernetic improvement thing, no matter what Deus Ex tells me, because it's going to be totally awesome. So I know that as soon as it becomes economically feasible for me, I'm gonna get that port installed. And then about a week later, they're gonna find me in my apartment, completely emaciated, with a fully charged iPod hooked up to my arm. "I just need a bit more battery," I'll tell myself. "I got enough money for food."

Yeah, that's basically just my insane fantasy that we'll be able to use the energy from our own bodies to power electronics. Mostly just because that sounds incredibly cool. And imagine what a great weight loss technique it would be! Just hook up like six laptops and wait until it starves you to death. Actually, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't work like that at all, but a man can dream. And if that man's dreams just have to involve being able to bring a USB sandwich press everywhere so that he can make paninis whenever he damn well pleases, then so be it.

I'd also be interested in the opposite. You know, hooking a cable from yourself to the wall and recharging yourself. Creepy as hell? Absolutely. One step away from the Matrix? I'd imagine so. Still, it'd be cool to be able to stave off sleep by plugging yourself into a wall outlet. Aww screw it, let's just make everybody robots.

Our Crap is the Best Crap

I like that there's like a thousand different companies that claim they have the best treatment for acne. It shows that, really, we either have absolutely no idea what the best way to cure acne is, there are way too many different ways to do it, or it's different for everyone in the world. They all seem equally likely, and probably aren't mutually exclusive. But apparently, if you just tell people "No no no, THIS is the real bird feces you have to spread all over your face. WE'RE the only ones who have got it all figured out." There's probably one company that actually HAS got it all figured out, but everyone just makes up their statistics anyway, so nobody's ever going to figure out the difference.

It's the same sort of crap they do with weight loss "supplements" and diet pills. Every single one of the advertisements for weight loss "miracle cures" claim that while every other horrible scam won't help you at all, THIS horrible scam will finally help you lose weight without having to actually do any work. The Americna Dream, basically. Exercise is for squares.

And like I've said before, I don't even know why they advertise medicine on TV in the first place, especially prescription meds. No one actually cares about those commercials. Except Viagra. Everyone loves Viagra.

I Don't Want To Ride the Polar Express

I don't understand the whole epic struggle to make computer generated animation look like real life. Does anyone else see something horribly wrong with that? Isn't the whole point of animation to depict characters and situations that couldn't possibly exist in real life? So what's up with all these motion capture CG movies that are practically identical to reality except for all the cold, lifeless eyes? Tell me something, if you want to make it look like live action, why didn't you just SHOOT IT IN LIVE ACTION? Seems like it would probably save a hell of a lot of money. And you wouldn't have to make Tom Hanks wear that goofy-looking suit with all the ping-pong balls on it.

I wish they still had to build ridiculous-looking puppets to put monsters in live action movies. Doesn't make you kinda sad to know that if Gremlins was made today, Gizmo would've just been CG? That totally sucks. I don't usually bitch about this sort of thing, but it really is a lost art. Nobody ever builds elaborate sets in order to hide the fact that the little goblin guy is a robot. I like crap like that. I like those documentaries showing how they do it. Nowadawys, it could be about five seconds. "I did the whole thing on the computer." Lame.

And if anything, it'd give Universal Studios more robots for their terrifying tram rides. The world needs more of that.

Hail Xenu!

I think it's high time that someone forms the anti-Scientology religion. I'm not talking about stuff like Project Chanology* where they just talk about how much Scientology sucks. That's perfectly fine, but I'm talking about a church that preaches the opposite of whatever Scientology teaches. The Satanism to Scientology's Christianity, if you will. You know, like they worship Xenu and say that the "superpowers" that Scientolgy supposedly gives you are like demonic possesion. This is mostly because the Church of Scientology is full of lying, cheating bastards and I want to see their over the top reactions, but also because I think "Hail Xenu!" sounds really cool. Hail Xenu!

After all, L. Ron Hubbard didn't believe in any of that crap anyway. He made it up for a story, and then when people started taking it seriously, he just sort of rolled with it. Really, taking Scientologists seriously is like listening to somebody who worships Puff the Magic Dragon and going "Yeah, this guy knows what's up." And yet we still listen to them, apparently just because a whole bunch of famous people started doing it.

What's the deal with that anyway? Is it just the attention whore thing, or are they deliberately targetting celebrities? And if so, how are all those celebrities that stupid? Is it something in the water in Hollywood. I think most people have a bit more common sense than that.

*Just...just look it up.

Down At the Bottom of the Sea

I think it'd be cool if the deep sea exploration people could get some more funding, but they're not going to, because there's pretty much no chance of any sort of returns on it. Unless they find sort of endlessly repeating bacon volcano down there, deep sea exploration isn't exactly a profitable excursion. It's interesting, sure. And awesome, certainly, but there isn't much of a way to get any sort of money or benefit from it. Angler fish are badass, but they don't cure any diseases. Not yet anyway (call me in five years).

I guess it sort of sucks that we don't have the money for supporting research just for the sake of research. After all, if you have the choice between giving money to the guys who are trying to cure cancer, or the guys who are trying to figure out just how freaky-looking the fish on the bottom of the ocean are, it's not much of a fight. And I get that, but it's pretty sad when we're in a situation where we can't afford to be curious about the stuff that's right here on our home planet. At least the space travel guys can play the "we may need to colonize another planet at some point guys" card, but the marine biologists? They don't have crap. "Maybe we could like, build a big dome underwater. Like in Bioshock." That's probably far more expensive than it's worth.

I think what they need to do is convince everyone that there's something super valuable at the bottom of the ocean. Like, I dunno, lingerie or something. Then they can do all the research they want while pretending to be building the lingerie mines. Yeah, this plan is fool-proof.

Three Races Only, I Guess

I always thought it was weird how every fantasy story always has to have elves, dwarves,* and humans in it, as three separate races. I mean obviously they're doing it because Tolkein did it, and every single fantasy story in the world has to rip off Lord of the Rings now or else it doesn't get published and the government breaks into your house and confiscates all your pens. But that's fine. What I don't get is why it makes any sense whatsoever for three separate, humanoid, intelligent races to all have evolved, but be part of different species. Despite being practically the same. Because obviously, the first thing you need to do when looking at a fantasy story is analyze the underlying biology.

For example, from what I've been able to gather, elves are basically just humans but with longer ears and also better in every conceivable way, which is interesting I guess. Seriously, that's pretty much the moral of Lord of the Rings. "Elves are better than you will ever hope to be you stupid plebeian". And for some reason, they have giant ears. I'm not entirely sure why. I guess it helps them hear better, further making them better than you, but they look pretty stupid. I dunno. I prefer the ones that are employed by a pole-dwelling fat man and craft toys out of raw materials.

And dwarves are basically just humans, but inexplicably shorter. No actual biological difference, they're just short. Why? What benefit does that have? And apparently they're all contractually obligated to live underground and drink beer. Actually, that seems perfectly alright. Carry on dwarves.

*According to spell-check, "elves" is a word, but "dwarves" isn't. Huh.

Read a Book

It kinda sucks that all the book stores are closing, especially since it seems a bit premature. Sure, I think we all know that they're going to be completely dead at some point, probably within the next twenty years, but I thought e-books would become a bit more prominent before it started happening. At the moment, they're still kind of a fringe market. Sure, you hear about them all the time, but how many people do you know that actually read them on a regular basis? The market is there, sure, and I quite like e-books, so I'm all for it,* but it seems like we're not quite there yet. And yet, the book stores are all closing. That sucks. Books are alright too.

Of course, we all know the real reason. I think it was about ten years ago when people realized that hey, you can totally just read a whole book right there in the store. It's practically encouraged! They have those arm chairs, and they never kick you out, even if you stay there for five hours and don't buy anything. They're digging their own grave with that stuff. Especially since a lot of them started selling coffee. And having free Wi-Fi. I know kids who go into the book store, take a cram book off the shelf, study, put it back, and leave. That's gotta be killing them.

And well, yeah, there's also the fact that other forms of entertainment are totally destroying literature at this point, especially the internet. But that's too depressing for me.

*It's not the same as reading an actual book, sure, but those things are just too damn cheap. If you ever start to get worked up over the death of the written word, just remember how damn expensive new release hardbacks were.

After the Beep Guys

Can we all just collectively agree not to use voice mail anymore? It really doesn't have any more reasons to exist at this point. If someone calls your cell phone, and you don't pick up, you're going to see that you had a missed call. Every cell phone has that feature now. And if you see that, you're gonna call them back, or text them, or whatever. And then you don't have to deal with waiting for the robot lady to answer on the voice mail, then trying to remember what the hell your password was,* then listening to the ten minute message your drunk friend left at two in the morning about how they're having "a hell of a time" with all of the "hot bitches" and that you "need to get your ass over here right now".

And that's when you get an actual message at all. Don't you hate it when you go through the entire irritating process of getting connected to the voice mail, and then you find out that somebody just accidentally sat on their phone and left you a twenty minute long message containing nothing but some ambient noise and the occasional muffled scream? I think that's the point when we should have realized that we're basically abusive towards technology. All of this great stuff we can do, and we leave twenty minute voice mails with it. Awesome.

On the other hand, I am excited to be living in the world where the PHONE CALL is becoming obsolete. Technology is developing fast as hell guys. Something that was mind-blowingly revolutionary just over 100 years ago is becoming a minor annoyance. Awesome.

*I forgot my password years ago, so now I just don't listen to voice mail anymore. It is wonderful.

War Movies

I bet the Germans find our obsession with World War II really creepy. You know, because as far as I've been able to tell, if you even mention the Nazis over there, they come over to your house and beat the crap out of you. And can you really blame them? They're trying to move past all this stuff, and here we are making fifteen new movies and video games about it every twenty minutes. That's gotta be pretty annoying. Sure, the Nazis were evil, but I bet it make modern Germans pretty uncomfortable when we make video games where you're encouraged to mercilessly pummel the crap out of their ancestors. There's paying tribute to those who lost their lives in history, and then there's just obsessing over something. I think this has officially begun to qualify as the latter. It's been more than seventy years guys. Let's write something about some other wars.

Like hey, how come we never see anything about World War I? World War I was freaking insane man? Sure the sequel totally upped the stakes, but let's give some love to the poor guys who had to live in trenches. Or the friggin' original fighter pilots. How come Steven Spielberg never made a movie about that? Hell, we have more movies about Vietnam, and we were practically the bad guys in that one! Although I guess that does make for good anti-war stuff, but you know what? So does trench foot.*

Or hey, what about the Korean War? Is there ANYTHING out there about the Korean War? I haven't seen it if there is. Do you even know anythig about the Korean War? I don't. Someone make a movie about it.

*I'm not going to describe this. Just...just look it up.

You Are Not Tom Cruise

I think it's funny how most of the people who are "preparing" for the "zombie apocalypse" are exactly the sort of people who are probably going to be dead within days if something like that actually happens. I mean, here we have a whole bunch of geeks* who, for some reason, think that they'll be part of the few people who gets to stay alive, holed up inside a house, looting stuff and killing zombies all day. And frankly, it belies an incredible amount of rampant egotism in the geek community. "Well of COURSE I won't be turned into a zombie. I'm too SMART for them, and I wouldn't follow the CROWD like that." Alright Melvin, let's see how much your A in AP Chemistry is going to help you when there's one hundred shambling corpses tearing your arms off. Let me know how it goes.

Really, zombies are just a way for hipsters and other people who reject the mainstream just because it's the mainstream to convince themselves that they're better than everyone else. They'll always say that they're going to be sticking it out in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, but no one ever seems to point out the fact that, for someone to be alone, fighting zombies, the majority of the population also has to die. And what makes you think you're going to be one of the people who don't? You won't be. You know who will? People with a lot of money who can build enormous shelters. People who live in cabins in the middle of nowhere who already have real survival skills. You and your stupid ironic t-shirt will join the ranks within the first week, and you know it.

Personally, I'm hoping we all go out at the same time, and not just the planet. Just some universe-wide destruction thingy that kills all lifeforms at once. Admit it, it would make everything way less awkward. And then we'll all get to actually collect on all those bets about the afterlife. Or is that just me?

*Not taking a knock here, because I'm certainly one too, but I also try to be realistic.

I Got Plenty of Sports Ideas

I'm surprised America isn't more into rugby. Or rather, I'm surprised that we're not into rugby at all. After all, it's basically gained status here as "Football, but more hardcore and without all that sissy pad crap", so you'd think we'd be all over it. We're America, dammit! Our country's entire image is all about how goddamn badass we are, and how we're all brutal and could totally take you in a fight. So why aren't we the ones playing the extreme version of the game? What the hell are we, French? I think it's high time we showed those damn commies who's boss.

Furthermore, I think we need to start making water polo a big thing over here. Why? Why the hell NOT? Have you ever SEEN water polo before? It is simultaneously one of the most homoerotic and brutal sports ever, with the possible exception of high-speed downhill naked scrapbooking. This is a game where it is not only allowed, but encouraged, to drown the members of the other team. DROWN THEM. Are you telling me this isn't something rednecks wouldn't totally be all over. You're allowed to shove someone's goddamn head under water and kick them in the crotch, and the ref's not going to know any better because EVERYTHING IS UNDERWATER. Why aren't we playing this all the time?

And hey, what about lacrosse? And I don't mean lacrosse like they play it now, I mean old-style, original, beating people over the head with metal poles lacrosse. That seems like an awful lot like we'd be totally into. It's just like every other sport we have ("shoot the ball into the thing"), only with more sustained beatings with blunt objects. That's how you play, right? No? Well, it should be.

It Was Jesus All Along

I like it when athletes thank Jesus for winning some sort of stupid sports thing, for a variety of hilarious reasons. I guess these guys think that they're the best Christians in the world, or that they just prayed way harder than anybody else, because apparently God picked them to win the game instead of all the other guys that were asking for it. You know, like what if a team from Georgia and a team from Alabama are playing against each other? I'd imagine you'd have a lot of guys from both sides praying over it. And if one guy says afterward that God helped him win the game, what does it say about those other guys? Sorry, guess God just doesn't love you as much.

But more importantly, it also implies that God cares about sports, which is funny in its own sort of way. Apparently, these guys have convinced themselves that God has a direct effect on the outcome of these games. Actually, that brings up another question. If God IS helping you win the game, how exactly is he going about doing that? Surely bad things happening to the opposing team would be pretty beneficial in that regard. So let's say you win the game because some guy on the other team fell and broke his leg during a critical play. Did God make that guy fall down and break his leg? That doesn't seem like the sort of thing God would do. I think he's more part of the "let's not hurt other people" contingent.

Unless of course all these guys believe in the Old Testament God, in which case, I totally understand. They aren't asking their loving God for guidance, they're begging their VENGEFUL God to PUNISH OTHERS with his LIMITLESS POWER. Okay never mind, that's awesome. Keep doing that.

Population Is Like Four

I think we oughta do something with Wyoming. You know, big huge waste of space, basically. At least Montana's got some nice scenery, so you can justify going there just to see all their giant nature thingies, despite the fact that there aren't any people living there. But Wyoming is not only completely devoid of any sentient life, there's also nothing there. Just like sort of a big plot of...nothing. Maybe some bugs and like, some dirt. Or a tree or two. The point is, we probably wouldn't lose much, except maybe some farmland, but I'm sure we have plenty of that. We got Nebraska, and that's not even considering the possibility of an underground connection of farming communities. That's a thing that we can do, right? No? Well, it should be.

Then we could totally use the space for something awesome. Ooh, I know! Let's do one of those Homestead Act, land race things again. Just let a whole bunch of people loose in the state and let them claim free land. WAIT, but instead of letting farmers do it, we give it to business men and architects that are interested in building AWESOME THINGS. You know, like water parks and those aquariums that are filled entirely with sharks. Or...space...rocket...wait no, better idea.

Give NASA all of Wyoming and a couple billion dollars to do whatever the hell they want with. It'll be like the Manhattan Project, except with less irradiated corpses and more going to Mars. I think we can all support that, right? This has got to be the best way to save all of our global economic problems. That, or just printing more money.

Sign My Face

Why do we care if a famous person autographs something? I'm not asking as a "What is wrong with you weirdos?" sort of question, because I love getting random crap signed by musicians and the occasional terrified pedestrian. So what I'm wondering is why we all make such a big deal out of it. It's kind of like we all just sort of put our hands over our ears and pretend that there's no such thing as forgery. You know, as if nobody could POSSIBLY copy a famous person's signature. There's really no proof of anything, but we get really excited over the whole thing. And don't give me that "Certificate of Authenticity" crap. Because after all, if you can forge a signature, you can forge a stupid piece of paper.

As things go, I think the "get a picture with the poor bastard" method is much more effective. After all, that totally proves that you were there, and that you didn't just get your dad to scribble all over a piece of paper for you. Of course, there's always the chance that they won't want to take a picture with you, and then maybe they'll spit on your shoes or something. As far as awkward celebrity encounters go, that's probably as bad as it can get. Well, besides trying to grope them. Or steal their car. Or kill them. Okay, so maybe not, but it's up there.

I guess you could always get a video of them signing the thing, to prove that they totally signed the thing, but at that point you might as well just get a damn video of yourself with them. Never mind, I'm out of ideas. Stick with the autographs. They don't make any sense, but they do it consistently.

And You Can Get Porn On the Internet Too

People (including me) often talk about how the Internet is quickly killing off newspapers and that soon they'll all go out of business and we'll get to save a whole bunch of trees and thousands of people will lose their jobs and possibly end up homeless all that good stuff. But nobody ever seems concerned for magazines. It probably has something to do with the fact that nobody really cares about magazines, but that can't be entirely true. I mean, somebody's got to be still reading them, since they're making them and stuff, right? Right?

And I'm not talking about tabloids. For God knows what reason, people still seem to buy those, so they're apparently doing alright. I'm talking about specific interest kinda magazines. You know, video games, wrestling, underwater bee hunting, that kinda stuff. Who's buying these magazines when you usually don't even get them until you already know everything written in them, and you heard about it for free? There's websites that have articles about this stuff, and they don't come out once a month. They're there every damn day with new articles. How are magazines competing with that without resorting to giving away free condoms and chcolate with every subscrition? Well, I'd buy that, anyway.

My theory is that the guy who owns every magazine in the world (that's how corporations work these days, right?) made a deal with the devil. He gets to keep wasting glossy paper that could be better used for the offensive posters on my wall, an he gets to make money even if nobody buys him. And when he dies, he will be punished with a daily papercut to the face. That seems fair.

Speak Ill, If I Deserve It

I hope people don't pretend things about me after I die. Y'know, especially if I get in some kind of accident or something and end up dying young. They always say you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but I don't think you should lie either. Mainly, I just really don't want the people who thought I was a no-good son of a bitch while I was alive to act like they liked me, and that it was a great loss. I couldn't really explain why, but that would bother me a lot more than someone just coming out and saying I was a jerk and they didn't like me. I mean, I'd prefer if they say nothing at all, but if someone asks...well, they're entitled to their opinion, and they shouldn't have to pretend that we were friends just because I'm not around anymore.

See, who you were in life doesn't change once you die. I think acting like someone was a saint just because they're dead now is flat-out dishonest. I hate to bring this up again, but in the few years before Micheal Jackson died, everyone was making fun of him, mostly because of the fact that he probably molested a small child. Then he died, and everyone just pretended that that never happened. Now all of a sudden, he didn't do it, even if you all said that he probably did just a few months before. That's misconstruing the truth to protect the feelings of someone who no longer has feelings.

There's another thing. If I die, I don't want people who didn't know me acting like my death was a great loss to them. Let the people who actually cared about me mourn the loss privately. That should be the business of my personal friends and family.

Oh, and if you bastards go open-casket on me, I will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Or You Could Just Walk

I find it pretty funny that the bus companies keep trying to convince us that taking the bus is the environmentally-friendly option. Not because it isn't, because it's certainly better for the air than driving your own damn car everywhere, but because it's kind of a stupid point to argue. Yeah sure, you can make a whole bunch of advertisements telling everyone to start taking the bus because it's better for the environment, but there's a problem with that. For pretty much everybody who takes the bus, you don't do it because you care about the environment, you do it because YOU DON'T HAVE A CAR. You don't decide to ride the bus, you ride the bus because you have to.

And I don't think there's going to be a lot of people out there who already have cars who decide to get rid of their car and start riding the bus instead. In fact, I think targeting that demographic is kind of a waste of time in general. I don't think a lot of converts are going to be made in that department. If you already spent money on the car, you probably won't be riding the bus a whole lot, especially since the bus is woefully inefficient in comparison.

Actually, let's be honest here. I don't think the bus needs to advertise at all. I dunno, maybe they have way more money in their budget than they're supposed to, like there was a banking error or something, so now they have a whole bunch of advertisements for the bus. I think they should just put signs up all around the city that say "WE STILL EXIST AND PROBABLY WILL FOR QUITE A LONG TIME INTO THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE". And I'd be all "Hell yes you do." I'd totally ride the bus of a company that did that.

They're People Too

I think it's pretty cool how you can make your country environmentally-friendly just by making stuff green. Since green has become the standard color for "this probably won't suck all the air out of the atmosphere and give you twelve different kinds of cancer", people just sort of assume that anything that's green is good for the environment. And that's awesome, because it means you can convince people that your smog-spewing mega-corporation is totally opposed to lighting trees on fire without actually having to not light trees on fire. That's pretty convenient.

GE totally pulled this. Changed their logo from blue to green. Didn't actually do anything, just changed it to green. Apparently, this was to show their new environmentally-friendly direction. And they just kept on doing what they were always doing. That seems reasonable. And hey, if things keep going in the same direction they have been lately, corporations will be able to get citizenship, and then we'll be able to get our asses sued off for slander against a poor citizen. IS MY SARCASM THICK ENOUGH RIGHT NOW I HOPE SO.

Actually, I really do look forward to the day when a corporation runs for president, because I think that's the day when we should all be able to decide to just tear all our rules and governments down and start over, because things have gotten out of hand. Bam, new Constitution.

She Was Dressed Very Provocatively

I find it fascinating that Herman Cain is still attempting to run for president.* It's like he doesn't even realize the fact that everyone hates him. I mean, everyone hates Richard Nixon, and he had a scandal going on DURING his presidency. Not only has Cain not even been ELECTED, he hasn't even been nominated, and he already has a scandal going on. Point for point, he's way ahead of everybody else in the "coming off as a total scum bag" department. And I guess that's admirable, from an incredibly stupid point of view.

The thing is, all the Republican candidates are incredibly embarrassing and have no right to be the president, but here we have a man who SEXUALLY ASSAULTED at least four people and then paid them off so he wouldn't get arrested for it. And HE STILL THINKS HE'S GONNA BE THE PRESIDENT. Let's step back for a minute and just MARVEL at that. That's absolutely incredibly to me. In a way, it's impressive. Think about the amount of willful ignorance it would require to convince yourself that people were still going to vote for your ass after you pulled something like that. It's almost wonderful in it's stupidity.

Hopefully, he'll drop out in the next couple of weeks, and then...actually, I'm not sure what happens after that. Obama gets another four years, I'd imagine.

*Oh God you guys it's getting current events-y in here again, watch out.

Do Whatever I Want With MY Car

I wonder how many of these people who seem to take pride in showing a blatant disregard for traffic laws are really just anarchists who are really, really bad at sticking it to the man. You know, like they're trying to show society that THEY don't play by the rules, and THEY don't respect other people's safety just because some lame SIGN told them to. Let's face it guys, traffic laws are pretty much the only sort of laws that you should probably just not question and go along with. You know why? Because there's pretty much no such thing as a victimless crime when you're in a car. You're in an enormous metal box on wheels. You're not cool, you're pointlessly endangering other people's lives. You tool.

Now, we can all agree that anarchy is stupid right? "Yeah, we don't need no laws, I'll just take care of myself!" Okay boss, while you're over there taking care of yourself, I'll be stealing all of your stuff. That'll go over real well. And I don't think these people really consider what a pain in the ass it would be to get anywhere if there weren't any laws. I mean, you gotta have some rules about driving, right? Otherwise some guy could just drive on the sidewalk and mow down some kids, and NOW all of a sudden he's ahead of you. What a jerk. There should be a law against OH NO WAIT THERE AREN'T ANY LAWS YOU GET TO PISS OFF.

Laws are kinda like taxes guys. It sucks that you have to have them, but it'd be a lot worse if you didn't.

This Is the Worst Thing I've Ever Written

I bet I could get people to start eating their own poop if I convinced them that it would help them lose weight. Because as far as I can tell, people will do just about anything if you tell them that it'll make them less fat. I mean, they're already shoving their fingers down their throats to make themselves puked, which is so thoroughly disturbing and wrong that they might as WELL be eating poop. Just a small step man. If you got over the taste of vomit in your mouth every day, you can get over the taste of poop. Believe to achieve.

And of course, they really WOULD lose weight. Mostly do to complete and utter malnutrition, but it would happen. After their body absorbs all the nutrients and the waste is deposited, they can utterly fail in their attempts to absorb it again. Hell, double it and make it like the Grapefruit Diet. Eat nothing but grapefruit, then eat nothing but the processed remains of grapefruit. Boom. Sexy bikini body. For one week, before you drop dead from the lack of iron. And protein. And pretty much everything else. You know you want to.

And just think about all the problems it would solve! Okay, so it's really only two. First, we could curb the population a bit. Well, before the lawsuits start pouring in, but I bet I could win that case if I got a really good lawyer. Clever advertising and some manipulation of facts could mean I NEVER LIED. Second, we could curb the stupid population a bit. You fell for the "eat your own poop" theory? Well, you're dead now. Everything just got a whole lot roomier.

Insect Abuse

I'm really excited for when the really hardcore (read: stupid)* animal rights people start protesting the abuse of insects. That seems only fair, right? And think about all they places they could go with that! I mean, we kill millions of the little bastards every day, sometimes without even knowing it. There's a reasonably-sized industry focused entirely on buying and selling crickets to feed to pet lizards. Really the possibilities are endless. Stop insect abuse!

But hey, why stop with insects? Surely we could get indignant about the abuse of bacteria or viruses. Well, viruses aren't really technically alive, but that shouldn't matter. They have feelings too. And just because bacteria don't have brains doesn't mean your hand sanitizer doesn't make them cry you know. They're people, just like us. They have dreams and children and we're destroying them. Truly we are the real monsters.

Of course, none of this will really happen. And do you know why? Because they aren't cute. And animal rights activists aren't concerned with helping animals that aren't cute. That's why we get to eat fish without and screeching, but not whales. Fish aren't cute. They got freaky eyes and don't have lungs. Whales have lungs.

*Yes, I am pro-animal rights. No, I am not pro-PETA. Because they're dickheads.

AKA White People Problems

So I'm pretty sure confiscation is a bunch of crap.* Maybe it's just my massive emotional issues in regards to the concept of authority, but I am reasonably certain that teachers should not be allowed to take your stuff. Sure, they give it back, eventually. Sometimes if you wait a week. But guess what? That doesn't really make a difference. To use a completely absurd and not even reasonably apt comparison, if you embezzled a million dollars from the bank, and then said you shouldn't go to jail because you were going to give it back...well, you might be able to plead insanity,** but the point is, you'd still get arrested.

Because yeah, taking some kids phone because they were using it during class and then keeping it for five days? Yeah dude, that's stealing. I don't care what the principal says, that's stealing. Not that it matters, since being a student basically means you don't get to have rights. That's fascinating to me. And yet they still expect high school students to act like adults. Awesome.

And that's why no college professor is going to confiscate your iPod because you were using it during class. Because they have more important things to do. You know, like actually teaching the kids who want to be there. That'd be fun.

*This was in no way inspired by real-life events. No sir. I still have my iPod, that's for certain.
**This should probably be it's own sort of thing, but I'm just amazed by the fact that this is something you can occasionally get away with. "Nah dawg, I'm crazy. I don't even know what laws are. I'm going home now."

They're Like Cats Only Totally Different

I'm not sure if I'm entirely on board with the people that think dogs are really just incredibly intelligent and beyond us. Sure, dogs are certainly smart, but I don't think it's in the way that a lot of people think. No dogs are smart because they have everything figured out, as far as I'm concerned. They might not fully understand everything that happens to them, but they have life figured out. How do I know that? Because I've never seen a dog worried about paper work, and I've never seen a dog punch a wall because a computer broke. That may have more to do with the fact that they don't have hands, but that's beside the point. Dogs don't have jobs. A dog with good owners gets to sleep and chew on stuff all day. And they don't work. Okay, some of them do, but they don't even know they're doing jobs. They think they're just chasing sheep, or in the case of seeing eye dogs, GOING ON WALKS ALL THE TIME. Dogs have it figured out man.

That's why I think all those dog show people are awful and stuff. I mean besides all the crap they actually put the dogs through (forced in-breeding and all those other things that would get you executed if you were doing it to people), it seems fundamentally wrong to me to clean up a dog and make it all proper. Because dogs are, inherently, free-spirited and completely insane, and that's beautiful in it's own ridiculous way. And when you put bows on them and have judges inspect their ear wax, you're destroying that. That sucks man.

I'm still waiting for a day when the huge worldwide dog show that I'm too tired to remember the name of is completely ruined because all the dogs got all riled up and start running around and breaking stuff. Although unfortunately, I probably won't be watching at the time.

The Cool Jacket Dilemma

I have recently encountered what I like to call the "Cool Jacket Dilemma". See, there are many problems one must face when one owns a cool jacket. Leaving aside for a moment the "you could totally get jumped and have your jacket stolen if it's cool enough" issue, the main problem for me is in social situations. So let's say someone buys you a cool jacket. You know, like for one of those gift-giving holidays, like Arbor Day. When you get that present, you're allowed to say "Oh, this is a cool jacket!" In fact, the person who got it for you wouldn't have done that if they didn't think it was a cool jacket. Unless they hated you or something. So then you have to confirm the fact that it is, indeed, a cool jacket, and that you appreciate it. So far, so good.

But let's say, later on, someone ELSE sees your cool jacket, and they say "Hey, cool jacket!" Well what do you do? You can't say "Yeah, I know!" or you'll look really full of yourself, right?That would just be wrong. So you thank them. You know, as if you made the cool jacket yourself and are glad that someone else appreciates it. That makes perfect sense to me.

So there are different times when it's okay to admit that the jacket you have is cool. Of course, if your jacket ISN'T cool, you have a whole other set of problems. Now, when you GET the jacket, you still have to lie and say that it's a cool jacket. Otherwise, you'll look ungrateful. Can't have that. If you ever actually wear your not-cool jacket, hopefully no one will say anything about it, and you can just ignore everyone. If people start CRITICIZING your jacket, well, I think you know what to do. That's right, nunchuks. Etiquette is hard.

Boring Size

If things keep continuing in the direction they've been going for tha past few years, in about a decade, Halloween candy bars will be about the same size as ants. You notice that? They keep making those "fun size" bars smaller and smaller. Probably so they can sell just as many bags of them while putting in a lot less of the actual candy. At this point, like half of the net weight is just in wrappers anyway, more so if it's a 3 Musketeers bar, since those things are like 90% air. This would be more of a problem if chocolate weren't so delicious, but unfortunately, we are bound by the cacao bean's delectable chains.

You know, they shouldn't call the little tiny candy bars "fun size". They should make chocolate bars the size of 2x4s. THOSE would be fun size. Especially if you ate the whole thing all at once by yourself, and you had to spend the next nine days puking the rest of it back up into a pail. I think that would be a lot of fun. Certainly more than eating the entire fun size of it in one bite. Or less, really. You can swallow those things whole at this point.

Actually, once you get them out of the wrapper, those tiny candy bars are virtually indistinguishable from those fancy truffles you get in the boxes at expensive candy store. Until you taste them and find out they aren't nearly as well made, but that's what you paid for I suppose.* Seriously, the damn things aren't even rectangular anymore. They're square now. Do your part. Either hand out entire candy bars tonigt, or give every kid like ten of the bastards.

*Not that paying three bucks for one piece of chocolate is reasonable either, but I suppose they'll charge whatever they damn well please if people are going to keep paying for it.

The Perfect Body

I think we need to start objectifying men more. You know, because we have all these magazines and such photoshopping women's bodies to be insanely sexualized. I say it's high time we start making it just as bad for men. Because as we all know, the best way to deal with a sexism issue is to make things equally awful for both sexes. That way, we're all equal. It's the communism of gender politics.

Unfortunately, there isn't really any stereotypical "sexy" body for men like the horrifically disturbing one we've created for women. From my research, and by that I mean having some female friends who have mentioned it on occasion, some women like muscley guys, and others find them repulsive. Unlike with men, where seeing a muscled girl makes them feel intimfated and make excuses.* So I say let's just change allthe preconceived notions and just say that what's sexy in a woman should be equally sexy in a man. Flat stomachs, narrow hips, hair, and of course, large breasts. Get to it horrible magazine photoshoppers.

Then we'll have a bunch of teenage boys feeling insecure because THEY don't have boobs, which will result in several lines of the most hilarious diet ads of all time. Come on guys, it's only fair. Teenage girls have to put up with that crap, I think the boys should too. It's only fair.

*You know you've done this. "Oh, she must have really good genes." Because God forbid a woman have a muscular build because of her OWN hard work. It had to have been her dad.

Happy HalLOL SIKE

Alright, let's just get this one out of the way right now.

So I've mentioned before how I think that it's stupid that we say that we're "observing" holidays on the Mondays after them, just so we can have the day off. So I ask you, WHY DON'T WE DO THAT FOR HALLOWEEN DAMMIT? Or, I guess the day after Halloween, that'd be fine too. Or hell, how about just both of them? Come on guys, Halloween's on a goddamn Monday this year? On a scale of one to unbelievably lame, that's like a thirty-seven. So how about we "observe" Halloween on a Saturday, so we can actually go out and do stuff that night without having to worry about sleep? That'd be cool, right? Can we all agree to that? Fine then. When you're sixty, and your kids ask what you did on Halloween when you were younger, so as to offer them some reprise from all the skin melting off their faces,* you can tell them you did NOTHING because you were LAME and didn't want to party on the 29th. And then they'll murder you. Or something. I don't know, children are strange.

Okay, how about we just party all weekend to make up for it? No reason, just straight, government-enforced, non-stop partying until Monday. That'd be fun, right? And then no one would have to show up to their obligations THEN either, cuz they're bosses would be hungover too. And then we'll just kinda slowly let reality sink back in after a few days. Give it some time. Maybe then everyone could chill out in between all the election coverage.

*I'm just going to assume that in the future, face melting will be a major issue. Maybe hair metal makes a comeback or something, I don't know.

Stereotypes Are So Stereotypical

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is all well and good, but I think it's time we set up some more specific ones, and maybe simplifying it a bit. The Male Hierarchy of Needs, if you will. Personally, I think we could narrow it down to the four most important categories: Food, Girls, Sleep, and Video Games. See, because a strong regiment of these four things can solve pretty much any problem you could possibly have. Starving? Food. Well, good food. You know, steak, potatoes, deep-fried boar testicles, all that good stuff. Horny? Girls. And I guess if you're particularly repulsive, you could replace it with "Masturbation". Not companionship, because real men do not feel loneliness, or in fact any emotions at all. Tempted to commit homicide? Just sleep it off man. Sleeping solves pretty much every problem. Even venereal diseases. I know this because I am a doctor. And video games can do whatever you need them to do. They're probably the most important thing on the list.

Okay, so here's the thing. Continuing on with this bit, I'd have to make a "Female Hierarchy of Needs", right? And then I would make a whole bunch of sexist jokes like a hack stand-up comic. And it would be unbelievably offensive. I like that. I like that we, as a society, have agreed that you can say as many awful things about a group that you already belong to as you want, you just can't say it about other people. It's what allows white people to make fun of white people, which is perfectly alright, because white people kind of suck anyway. See? I can do it too.

Although lately, it seems to be "White people can't make race jokes at all, minorities can", which makes some amount of sense,  I suppose, but seems a little backwards. Not that it matters, because it's a lot better than the alternative. Which would be offending EVERYBODY. That has it's charms sometimes though.

Out-Bother

It's fun to ruin pleasantries. The next time someone asks you how you're doing, be as honest as you possibly can. Or make something up, depending on how good your life is going at the time. You know, because when people ask how you're doing, they don't REALLY care about how you're doing. They're just asking because that's just what you're supposed to do. If you don't, you look like a jackass.

"Hey man, how's it goin'?"
"Terrible."
"Oh that's good, I-Wait, what?"
"I said it's going terrible."
"Uh...why?"
"Well, I've been having a lot of trouble with my bowel movements lately..."

And then keep talking until they want to leave. This works especially well for those people you don't like that insist on hanging out with you. I find it's best to craft elaborate stories about run-ins with prostitutes. Have fun with it, but make sure it's disgusting enough that they don't want to hang around and see how it ends. If they do, stare at them for awhile, then tell them that you'll do the same to them. If that doesn't work, take off your pants. If THAT doesn't work, call the cops.

You know, I say these things like I'm suggesting you do them because they worked for me, but if that were true, I wouldn't have so many obnoxious people in my life. The annoying triumph over the assholes once again.

Bang, Bangs

I wonder how many guys out there spend a really long time with long hair, and decide that it's time to look more respectable, so they buzz all of it off, and it's been so long that they forgot that they have one of those weird, bumpy heads? I bet that happens all the time. You know, because the top of my head feels like downtown San Francisco, so I could never get a buzz cut. But when you have a LOT of hair, you can't FEEL the top of your head, so you wouldn't know. Then you'd look like even more of a fool, first because you got a buzz cut* and second because you got a funny-lookin' head. It'll be even worse if you got some of those big blue veins on your head. Basically, if you're a pale guy, for the love of crap, don't get a buzz cut. It's too risky.

Who was it that decided that women should be the ones with long hair, and men should be the ones with short hair. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, because it's awesome that way, but it seems pretty arbitrary to me. It's also interesting how if a woman cuts her hair short,** she's a lesbian, but if a man grows his hair out, he's a hippie. Apparently, swimming on the opposite end of the hair spectrum only goes in one direction. Well, usually. Occasionally, guys with long hair get called "fags", but that's mostly in the South, and they call everyone fags there. Even the women.

My problem is that I'm a 0 on the Kinsey Scale, so I have no idea whether men look good or not. Unfortunately, this also applies to myself, so I really have no idea what I'm doing. Which is why I look like crap all the time.

*About 2% of the white male population can rock a buzzcut, and most of them are Irish. Everyone else looks like they got their heads caught in a piece of farm equipment.
**I'm also firmly of the belief that there are very few women who look good with short hair. But I suppose my opinion is completely pointless in that matter.

Hat and a Walking Stick

I wish jazz was still a popular form of music. And not just for "modern music sucks we should go back to the way things were decades ago baaaawww" reasons. And not that crappy modern jazz either. I'm not even going to bother making jokes about that, because I am reasonably certain that every possible joke that could be made about Kenny G has already been made. I'm talking about big band and swing, for the express purpose of THEY HAD THE MOST BADASS DANCES EVER. Seriously, check that mess out sometime. Hip-hop dancing, breakdancing in particular, can be cool in it's own way, but nothing beats a whole bunch of crazy bastards swing dancing to Benny Goodman. Those dances were awesome.

Furthermore, coolest outfits. Come on man, suits and fedoras and umbrellas and goddamn that is so much cooler than a pair of Vans. You could say a lot of things about the 30s. You could talk about the racism, and the Depression, and how pretty much all of their morals were horribly, horribly backward by our modern standards, but I think there is one thing you cannot deny: They had the classiest fashion sense in the world. I sort of like how the idea of really fancy-looking clothes being badass instead of lame is starting to make a comeback, because it's so much cooler.

But this sort of thing is sort of pointless to discuss. Popular music comes and goes, and twenty years from now, we'll have something new to complain about. The past few decades had some great popular music. This one and the previous one? Not a whole lot. So I'm going to wait it out. There'll probably be a grunge to modern hip-hop's hair metal some day soon.

Vote For the Crazy Ones, They're Good At It

I like how all the Republican candidates* (or at least the ones that people care about) mostly have the same opinions on most of the important issues, so they're just resorting to trying to convince the voting populace that the other guy is a massive tool. Luckily, this has been pretty easy for them, because they're all massive tools. Sure, you get the occasional whack-job like Bachmann, who has completely retarded opinions, but we don't really consider those people serious candidates, do we? No, Bachmann is sort of like a defanged, declawed tiger wearing a top hat. Should be a threat, wants to be taken seriously as a threat, but just comes of as pathetically hilarious.

It doesn't help that most of them are terrible people. I love how they're all constantly trying to set themselves up as the "loveable everyman". You know, the kinda guy you'd totally want to go bowling and burn down a strip joint with.** Mitt Romney is especially bad with this. And yep, they're all millionaires. Okay, maybe not, but several of them are. And you know what? They don't give a damn about you and your middle class problems. I have no problem with rich people running for the presidency, but stop pretending you're just like the people you plan to spend the next few years dicking over. The Whig Party already did that back in the 19th century and it...wait yeah, it actually totally worked then.

My biggest fear, really, is that all the self-professed liberals will look at this mass of idiots and think "Oh yeah, they don't stand a chance. Obama's got this one for sure. We don't even need to bother voting." And then they won't. And then President Bachmann. THINK ABOUT TIT.

*Damn, been really political lately, haven't I? I hate myself for that. Must be something in the air.
**This is what other people do for fun, right? It's not just my friends?

Also Ty is Incredibly Obnoxious

I can't decide whether or not I like Extreme Makeover.* Well actually, not really. I HATE the show, but that's because it's a reality show, and reality shows make me want to vomit. What I REALLY can't decide is whether or not I support their endeavors regardless of that fact. On the one hand, helping people is good. That's something I think we can agree on, right? On the other hand, they do it in an incredibly corporate-whorish** way. Product placement, all that garbage. So that's a negative. On the other other hand, they're STILL helping people, and you need money to do that. The end result is positive, even if they had to sell-out a bit to get there. So that would make it a force for good, right?

But then I hit a bit of a snag. Okay, so we have this team of architects, engineers, construction workers, etc. who have the manpower and the resources to build an entire house in a week. Or at least, they claim it's a week, that might in fact be a complete lie. Now, the problem with this is, I feel like this amount of charity is sort of wasted. Sure, occasionally they'll have an episode where they help people who are truly, truly screwed (hurricane victims, people who got totally dicked by a lawsuit and ended up living in a shoebox, etc.) But most of the time, it's people who really aren't in THAT bad of a place. They're boned, sure, but not in a "one sprained ankle away from starvation" sort of way. And that bugs me.

I've been to New Orleans guys. Let me tell you something: It still sucks over there. There's still hurricane damage everywhere. These people could make an episode based in New Orleans every week for the next five years, and they'd still have a long way to go. And when things are like that, it's hard to take the "Our daughter is a midget, please help us" episodes*** seriously.

*You all KNOW I mean the "Home Edition" one. The original incarnation lasted like, two seasons? And the relationship between the two was kind of a stretch at best in the first place. Christ, why do I know that?
**Really spellcheck? "Whorish" is a word? Hot damn.
***No seriously, this happened. Everything else in their life was perfectly middle class. Some people don't even have houses. Just sayin'.

SPAAAAAAAACE

So apparently we've already sent out a probe that's going to Pluto, and it'll be there by 2015. Now that's cool and all, but also sort of sad. I mean, I'm sure there's all sorts of interesting scientific work, but we're all thinking the same thing. "There won't be any aliens on PLUTO. Silly scientists." See, because as far as I'm concerned, every single experiment and mission from any space program is just one piece of the larger goal of finding intelligent life on other planets. Or, screw it, unintelligent life. If we find a whole bunch of tapeworms living on some distant planet, awesome. That's exciting. We've proved aliens exist. That'd be enough for me. Then we can begin performing all sorts of terrifying experiments on the earthworms, because puny earth laws will no longer apply to us.

Not that we really need the proof. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: It would take an incredible amount of willful ignorance to convince yourself that we are completely alone in the universe. Come on guys. INFINITE universe*. Infinite. Infinite numbers of planets. That's just...it's...goddammit. I hate it when the only real argument is "There just IS, okay?", because it's really sort of hard to argue for or against.

Speaking of which, I haven't checked, do young earth creationists believe that the universe is infinite? Or, failing that, at least in other galaxies and stuff? You know, because it seems like it would go against a lot of "literal truth" Biblical interpretations, and this is something we have definite proof of. Then again, these are the people who believe dinosaur bones were planted by Satan so I suppose anything is possible.

*Sort of. Kind of. They haven't actually conclusively proved it, but the official stance from astronomers seems to be that there is a finite density, but you could never actually reach the "edge" of the universe, which is close enough for me.

There Are No Appropriate Puns

Nothing interesting for me today? No? Great, let's harp on conservatives again.

I've already gone over the whole "If conservatives want a smaller government, why are they so into controlling our lives?" thing before, probably more than once. But something that's been particularly bugging me lately is the conservative stance on abortion. Yeah, we could go on for a long, long time about how stupid this debate is, and I know you all are just shocked, SHOCKED that I'm pro-choice,* but there's one thing in particular that's been bugging the hell out of me lately. Namely, how can you be "pro-life" while simultaneously decrying gun control and SUPPORTING THE DEATH PENALTY? Come on guys, at least be consistent. If the ultra-conservatives want to be the one "Kill things if necessary" side of every debate, they should be going all the way!

I thought you guys were supposed to be hardcore! You know, killing the gays and whatnot. Okay how about this: People like the Westboro Baptist Church are pro-life, and they want to kill homosexuals, right? Or at least, they wish they were all dead. Okay, so let's say there's a fetus that a woman wants to get aborted, and through magic future space technology, they know the kid's going to be gay. Somehow. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. Would they want to abort the fetus? That'd be a hard sell, I think. The point I'm trying to make is the Westboro Baptist Church are bastards.

Pretending to be serious for a moment, this is probably one of those things that people are going to be arguing over for far, far into the foreseeable future. I mean, gay marriage legalization is basically inevitable, and I think someday people will agree that maybe we should get in on that free healthcare party, but abortions are going to be hard to get passed. At least as long as all the doctors keep getting assassinated. That's a great way to show that your side is the sane side guys.

*Calling your movement the "pro-life" movement is such a dick move. The implication that the opposite side is made up of people who hate life is so prevalent it hurts.

Side Effects Included Free of Charge

I like all of the medical commercials that advertise really gross health-related products, so they just have to dance around the issue for a minute of air time. Like how all those commercials for tampons and pads can't actually say "THIS IS A THING FOR MENSTRUATION. IF YOU ARE A WOMAN YOU SHOULD BUY THIS BECAUSE PERIODS." Because I'm pretty sure that would break at least seven FCC codes. And they never show blood on the pads, do they? No, it's always that mysterious blue liquid. Ladies, I am not a doctor, because that would be the most ludicrously atrocious idea ever formed by any human beings, but I am reasonably certain that if there is a fluorescent blue liquid coming out of you, something has gone horribly wrong. Nobody should be leaking out Oxi-Clean.

Another good one is Preparation H. No sane advertiser is going to come out and say "THIS IS A BUTT CREAM. YOU PUT IT ON YOUR BUTT." for fear of getting arrested. So all the Preparation H commercials just show people sitting on mildly uncomfortable things (lawnmowers, cheap lawnchairs, iron maidens, etc.), then complaining about it, then deciding to use Preparation H. Apparently, the advertisers are under the assumption that you already know what Preparation H does, so you don't have to have it explained to you. If that's the case, why do they need to advertise at all?

And then of course you get the opposite of this. Everyone once in a while you totally blindsided by a commercial that just comes out and says "HEY, DO YOU HAVE HERPES? THAT SUCKS. BUY HERPESAID. IT WILL KILL YOUR HERPES." I appreciate that. I like the thought that there are apparently some people in the advertising world who have completely lost their will to live and just want to see what they get away with now. At least until they figure out a way to reanimate Billy Mays's corpse.

But First an Important Message From Your Friends At Heinz

So, it kinda sucks that pretty much every video-sharing site is putting 30-second ads in front of their videos now. Not supremely terrible, but annoying. It seemed like a year ago, it was only a few of them. Then a few months ago, YouTube started doing it, and now it seems like everyone does. Sure, banner ads and pop-ups are annoying, but they're nothing a little pop-up blocker and some browser plug-ins can't fix. These before-video commercials though? No way to get rid of those, as far as I can tell. The most annoying thing about them is that some sites only run like five, so you're going to be seeing the same ones over and over and over again if you frequent the website. I know this is the sort of thing that we're just going to have to accept as the norm now that the Internet is becoming an increasingly massive figure in modern life, but that doesn't mean we can't bitch about it.

What I find especially hilarious are those ones on YouTube that are like two minutes long, but they let you skip right past them after five seconds have passed. Most of them haven't even said the product name by that point, and you'll never know either, because you're most likely not going to sit through an entire ad when you can just skip the damn thing. What sense does that make? I'm not complaining, I suppose, because I can just click right past them, but it seems like a massive waste of everyone's time. Apparently, YouTube told some advertising that they could have either a 30-second spot or a 2-minute spot, but people could skip them in five seconds if they took the two minutes. And advertisers, not being real people, but in fact evil aliens, assumed that people would watch the whole thing anyway. That's fascinating.

Oh well, at least it's not as bad as TV. Yet. Luckily, TV is probably going to keel over and die soon. Netflix is a much better way to watch production-quality entertainment, and the Internet is a much faster tool for spreading information. Screw TV.

Deep Thought

You know what's fun? Dissecting blatantly rhetorical Zen riddles in an unnecessarily complicated manner. So let's do that.

Is the glass half full, or half empty? Well, that really would depend wouldn't it? Is the glass be filled up, or emptied out. If it's being filled up, then it's half full. If you're draining it, it's half empty. That seems pretty straightforward, right? Unless this is some kind of space-time glass that has constantly existed since the beginning of the universe, and has therefore never been filled OR emptied. And why is this always used to see if someone is an optimist or a pessimist? The riddle doesn't really say what the glass is full of, does it? I mean, a glass half-full of water is sort of a neutral thing, I guess. But a glass half-full of cyanide? Bad thing. Unless the cyanide is being used in, I dunno, a mixture that cures cancer or something. Really, this is a question that is not even close to specific enough.

"What is the sound of one hand clapping?" is an inherently stupid question. It's really more "What the hell do you consider one hand clapping to be?" Is it slapping your fingers against the inside of your palm? Because that sort of makes a sound. A little one. Is it flailing one of your hands around like a complete spaz, pretending that the other hand is there? Because in that case, it's the sound of air pockets and all that nonsense. Again, not specific enough. We have no idea what you want from us, theoretical question asker!

And of course, if a tree falls in the forest, it does make a sound. Or rather, it makes a vibration. Which is a sound. Although it will only actually become a sound when it's interpreted by an ear. So yes and no. Also, why is it always trees falling in forests? Forests are pretty crowded. They're very rarely completely devoid of life. And it's not like trees falling over is the only thing makes a sound in the universe. Broaden your horizons a bit. And hey, what if the tree was in space? No sound there, right? No oxygen. But trees can't grow in space, you insipid clod. Now get back to work.

Dihydrogen Monoxide

How did the word "chemical" end up becoming a buzzword for awful things happening to the environment and/or processed foods? "Oh, you shouldn't eat that, it's got chemicals in it." Well yes, I suppose it would have to, wouldn't it? You know, because I'm pretty sure you have to have water in your food. Unless you want to eat nothing but raisins and banana chips all the time, which may cause a bit of a problem considering the fact that banana chips taste like grilled cardboard sprinkled with the fine spice of misery. So yes, water is a chemical. Many, many things are chemicals. You can't avoid chemicals. Stop bitching about chemicals. Bah. Humbug.

But of course, I'm not trying to convince you not to avoid processed foods, and all that stuff. No, that mission is alright with me. It's the terminology that bugs me. Look guys, if you want to beat the evil, corporate science-y people at this sort of thing, at least actually know your science. I suck at science, and even I've got this one figured out. There's a reason it's called "chemistry" folks. And what's the first chemical formula most people learn? "H20". There ya goddamn go.

And I'd rather not get into it too much, because it's so absurd that I have trouble caring, but how about all of you New Agers shut up about "genetically modified food", okay? Because it's pretty obvious that you have no idea what you're talking about. If you knew more about genetic engineering than scientists do, you wouldn't be lobbyists. You'd be scientists.

Terrifying New Technology

One should never predict the downfall of society, lest one end up looking like a massive tool that doesn't know what they're talking about. You know the types. The people who, back in the fifties and sixties, were convinced that rock and roll was the music of the devil and that every rock band on the planet was going to try to seduce all of their children to Satan. The people who blame all violence on television and movies because they don't want to confront the real problems. The people who are trying to do everything they can to make you terrified of society because...actually, I'm not entirely sure why. It's not like they're going to ever stop the relentless march of technology and ideas forward.

Of course, these people have been around for centuries. The Puritans, they were big on this sort of stuff. Salem Witch Trials. Apparently, pagans worship the devil. I didn't know that, but it's true. And then there were the folks in Ancient Greece who believed that the written word was terrible for society, because speaking was the one true way to relay information. Thousands of years later, we have the same type of people defending books and talking about the evils of...pretty much anything that isn't books. It's pretty hard to argue against reading. No one's going to vote for the guy who runs on the anti-reading platform. Well, maybe Texans.

These days, it's video games and the Internet. To the people that don't understand it, the Internet is a place exclusively for rapist, pedophiles, and pedophile rapists to come together and discuss kidnapping strategies. And yeah, that's totally happening. You know where else that's happening? The real world. Best to just keep your children inside and never let them speak to anyone but you. Otherwise, how are they gonna stay safe?

The Beautiful People

Why do TV shows and movies always portray the popular kids as the ones with a lot of money? Sure, you can totally use money to buy friends. I've seen it done. But being rich doesn't automatically make you popular, and it seems like writers are completely under that impression. I'm not exactly sure where that idea came from. Maybe there was one guy who went to a school where that was true, or he sprung from the earth at age twenty and just assumed that it was true, but it seems like everyone really liked that guy, because people sort of just started believing it.

There was a kid I knew in middle school that was absolutely loaded. Almost cartoonishly rich. This was a kid that owned five different guitars and couldn't play a single note on any of them. This was a kid that threw parties at his house on nearly every holiday and invited everyone just because he could. And you know what? Nobody ever came. You know why? Because the kid was a tool, and everyone hated him. See, there's sort of a stereotype of the popular kids being dickheads, and that's a bit of a misconception. The kids that everyone LIKES, the REAL popular kids, aren't jerks. Because they're likeable. What TV seems to THINK the popular kids are are just the ones that everyone knows. Everyone knows the jerk, that doesn't mean they like the jerk.

And yeah, sometimes everyone loves the dickhead, because sometimes people are stupid. And sometimes the nice kid gets the crap beaten out of him. And sometimes you have to do a lot of stupid things because you feel obligated to impress people you hate. This is called "high school", ladies and gentleman, and 90% of it is balls.

Pick Your Musical Battles

I don't like it when people talk about how they want to "kill" terrible pop stars, and how much they "hate" them. Guys, come on. I know the sound of Justin Bieber's music makes you want to dig your ears out with a tuning fork, but there are more important "downfall of society" things to worry about. And really, when you're screeching about how immature people are, and then talk about your vitriolic hatred for a teenager you've never met, you kinda sorta look like a massive tool.

And I think it's only fair that we give all these people a chance to not suck. Remember, Justin Timberlake used to be one of those terrible pop singers too. Then he stopped doing that, started being an actor, and we all found out he was really good at it, which was a disappointment to those of you who wanted him to keep sucking. And if you had "killed" Timberlake before then, he never would've played Sean Parker. Ya goddamn weirdo. Am I saying that Justin Bieber might turn out to actually have some sort of talent? It's possible. Not likely, but possible. It's far more likely that he'll fade into complete obscurity and drop off the face of the earth once he hits his late twenties, but it could happen. And then you'll all have to begrudgingly admit that he wasn't the devil after all.

All I'm saying is, hate the music, not the artist. I get it. Pop music sucks. But there really isn't a whole lot you can do about that, is there? That's just the way it's always going to be. If you don't like it, build a time machine and go back to a time when rock was commerically successful. And then get the crap kicked out of you by riot police.

The New Model Can Clean Rain Gutters Part 2

Alright, let's get down to mildly disrespectful business: Steve Jobs died today, and I have a few questions. No no no no, stupid questions. Not reasonable things like "What happens to the company now?" and "Who's going to replace him at whatever job he was supposedly doing?" No, you don't come here for rational viewpoints.* You come here to be made extremely uncomfortable and leave spam in my comments section, so let's get down to business.

First of all, how long do you think the media frenzy is going to last? Now, there's always a lot of insanity going on after a really famous person dies, and occasionally it gets a bit absurd. For me, the breaking point was with Micheal Jackson. Seriously, they went on and on and on about that for MONTHS. And everyone acted real surprised about it too, didn't they? "Oh wow, Micheal Jackson is gone I can't believe it who would've thought he was so healthy etc." And then they autopsied him and found at least twelve varieties of narcotics and a small family of woodland creatures. I didn't have a blog at the time, but if I did I probably would've stopped regular updates altogether and just replaced them with a rephrasing of "Oh my God shut up about Micheal Jackson already" every day.

What were we talking about? Right, Steve Jobs. Now, I'm personally more concerned about how much this is going to affect the "Mac vs. PC" war. Oh, I don't mean in sales. I'm talking about the greasy manchildren who think that arguing over that sort of thing matters and have never heard of the term "personal preference". What I'm waiting to see is when the super anti-Mac people start taking cheap shots. That's going to be a lot of fun. How much you want to bet that someone is going to post something really offensive on Twitter, and the geek media is going to pummel the crap out of them? I give it a day.

*Actually, according to my hit statistics, you don't come here at all. This is basically just me shouting into an empty room here.

The New Model Can Clean Rain Gutters

It annoyed me how Apple made such a big goddamn deal about the whole "voice recognition" thing during the new iPhone unveiling,* for a variety of reason. First of all, yeah, that's kinda not really a new thing. There have been phones for what, five years now that have had voice recognition? And yeah, they sucked too. Hell, there are video games from the nineties that had voice recognition. They were terrible, but we had them.

Oh, but this is going to be good voice recognition, right? Not the kind where you ask it to take you to a pie shop and you end up at the adult bookstore trying to find cream filling in the BDSM aisle? Well, there's a bit of a problem with that boys. It's a little secret that I'm gonna let you in on: Nobody actually wants to use voice recognition software. Why? Because you look like a goddamn fool when you do it. No one wants to be standing out in public, talking to their cell phone. Not ON their cell phone, TO their cell phone.

But they say you could use it to spell out texts! So you can text while you drive, so it isn't dangerous! Sure guys, but you still got to READ the text, don't you? And really, I'll believe that the software is good enough to recognize full sentences, and include various dialects and accents, when I see it. And even if it could, you might as well just be talking on the phone, because you're already removing half of what makes texting so convenient in the first place.

Wait, why do I care? I'm not gonna buy one.

*Oh man, current events discussion. We are through the looking glass.

First Whatever President

It's gonna be weird if Obama doesn't win the reelection, and not just for the "Seriously? We're back to the Republicans again so soon?" reason that you're thinking of. No, I just think that after the huge deal we all (rightfully) made about the FIRST EVER BLACK PRESIDENT, we might still just go back to electing more old white guys. That seems just...odd, even though now that that record has been broken, we're not just going to ALWAYS have black presidents. I don't know, it's gonna seem so boring if the next president isn't a minority. I mean come on, we could at least get a Jewish guy, right? Wouldn't that be kinda cool? Or how about an atheist president? That'd be novel, although I doubt the public's ready. Okay, can we at least get a chick now? We're kinda overdue on that one, aren't we? Come on guys, SWITZERLAND already had one of those. We need to get it together if we, as a country, are going to keep pretending to be forward and progressive.

You know what else? It'd totally suck to be the SECOND black president. You know, because nobody's going to be impressed THEN. It's like yeah, sure, you're the president. We kinda already did that. Looking to get to the moon now. He'd have to have something extra, just to still feel special about it. Hey, how about a midget president? That'd be fun, right? It probably wouldn't inspire a lot of confidence, but hey, it would make political humor almost as easy as it was when Bush was in office, AKA the easy comedy golden age.

Of course, you know we're all waiting for the first openly gay president. Then again, if we didn't get a black guy until like fifty years after the Civil Rights movement, it's probably going to be awhile. And then all the far-right Republicans will cry themselves to sleep every night. Screw 'em.

Speed of Light and All That

I like how "quantum physics" is starting to become a catch-all explanation for anything we don't understand, regardless of whether or not it explains anything. This is probably mostly due to the fact that anyone who understands quantum physics can begin to answer any sort of science question with "Well, it's because of quantum physics...", and everyone will just believe them, because hey, do YOU understand quantum physics? Of course you don't, you know why? Because quantum physics doesn't make any sense. It is so completely disconnected from any sort of day-to-day, rational thought that trying to explain any part of it will result in at least one bystander suffering from spontaneous combustion. Of the face. And nobody wants that, so we just accept that it solves every problem.

I hope that someday, it'll be like how "The gods did it" used to be a suitable explanation for anything. Just you wait, in a few years, every single question you ever had about the universe will somehow be explained through quantum physics.* Gravity? Quantum physics. UFOs? Quantum physics. Socks going missing in the laundry? Quantum goddamn physics. I am willing to mindlessly believe any field of science that says that objects can be in two places at once, and that things can behave differently depending on whether or not you're looking at them. Theoretical physicists are clearly dark sorcerers, and thus deserve our admiration and fear.

That sound you heard was someone's head catching fire.

*Or possibly dark matter.

There Is Probably No Appropriate Title For This

Here's something I probably shouldn't be talking about: American Indians.* Now, here's the thing that I find so strange: I totally get WHY we do things like allowing them to basically have no problem getting into any college they want to and the massive tax breaks and things like that, I just find it really strange. I'm not against it in any way, because yeah, America totally dicked over the Indians for centuries, but the thing is, I think it's weird to repay in kind for something that somebody's ancestors did. No wait, hear me out on this.

Okay, imagine you're a white guy. That shouldn't be too hard, especially if you already are one. Okay, so you're at your house, getting drunk or setting TVs on fire or whatever it is white people are supposed to do these days. Anyway, the police burst into your house and arrest you. When pressed for the reason, they explain that your ancestors from 200 years ago were slave owners, and you're being punished for it. That'd kinda suck, right? So yeah, the Indian thing is like that, but backwards. 200 years ago, THEIR ancestors got massively screwed, forced off their land, and killed, and now they get to benefit from it. That's cool that we're at least trying to make up for it and all, even though we never possibly could, but trying to do that by helping out people who they never even met? That's nice of them but...yeah. I actually don't really have a conclusion or anything. I don't want them to stop it, I think it's a good thing but...yeah. It's weird. Bring on the hate mail.

*I'm going to call them "Indians", because "Native Americans" is apparently not any better to them. And the whole "political correctness" thing is just so out of hand at this point that it's easier to just keep things as simple as we can.

I Always Preferred Doodle Jump Anyway

Why is everyone so obsessed with Angry Birds? Okay yes, it's a fun game, I'm glad we're all in agreement on that, but it's not THAT fun. It's got charm, sure, but there are what, millions of games on the App Store these days? I just don't see what makes it such a big deal. Now there's commercials and crap. Where the hell did this come from? It's not like it was even a very original game in the first place. By my last count, there are about 10.3 craptilion "fling the thing at the pile of physics objects to not stuff over" games out there, and Angry Birds certainly wasn't the first. It's a fun version of it, and it's well-presented, but it really isn't anything special. Am I missing something? I've played it. It's pretty alright. But apparently, it's better than Tetris.*

And on a semi-related note, what's with this crap where it costs a dollar for the iPhone, but is free-to-play on the Android Market? Did Rovio just decide that it's now officially making enough money from plushies and t-shirts that the actual GAME doesn't really matter much anymore? And if so, WHEN DID WE REACH THE POINT WHERE THAT WAS EVEN POSSIBLE? I'm not ANGRY about it, it's just...goddamn, HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? It's just a stupid Flash game shoved onto a touch screen phone! EVERYONE STOP FREAKING OUT!

Anyway...

I think we've officially reached the point where it's allowed to blow over and be forgotten about. At least, until the inevitable release of Angry Birds 2. Oh shut up, you know it's coming.

*Yeah, Angry Birds has now officially outsold Tetris. EVERY VERSION OF TETRIS. Goddamn.

Burn the Witch

I think the "Obama is the antichrist" theory is my favorite conspiracy theory ever. It's rare that you get to combine the inane stupidity of conspiracy theorists with the balls-out insanity of religious fundamentalists. Come on guys, if Obama was the antichrist, do you really think he would've run as BARACK OBAMA? Hell no, anything that hurt his chances to become emperor of the universe wouldn't be something he'd probably be doing. The antichrist is supposed to have superpowers, right?* So if Obama was the antichrist, he probably could've gotten the Health Care bill passed a long time ago, right? After all, the Health Care bill is the work of the devil, right? If not, then Obama's deliberately not getting it passed, because he's the antichrist. It can't be both. QED, Obama is either not the antichrist, or fundamentalists need to start supporting Health Care.**

I prefer it when they just go around saying he's the devil. That's a lot easier, isn't it? Yeah, okay kids, Obama's the devil. Now why don't you go outside and play so we can work on grown-up things, okay? None of that crap where we're not entirely sure if the antichrist was even intended to be a thing by the writers of the Bible, or what exactly it is. The devil is the devil. He wants you to sin because he's the devil. Basically, the devil is a massive tool, and probably the most black and white villain of all time. If the Bible was a TV show, people would complain about the bad guy not having any motivation besides "because he's evil".

So yes, Obama got elected president because he's evil. Also, this has nothing to do with the fact that he's black. No sir. That would be racist, and surely Christian fundamentalists are anything but racist, right? Right? Guys?

*I am of course referring to what modern Christians THINK the antichrist is like, not what the Bible actually SAYS it's like, that being anyone who preached against Christianity, or possibly a giant monster. It's not really clear, actually.
**I bet nobody's ever written that sentence before.