And One Cent?

I find it absolutely fascinating that we still mint pennies. And by "fascinating" I mean "incredibly stupid", just in case you thought I was being pleasant for once. Basically, pennies are completely worthless at this point, and are apparently only still being printed to annoy people. See, we all know by now that pennies are actually worth less money than the copper they're made with, right? Now, that's one of those "random facts" that basically everyone knows by now, but most people just think "Oh, that's kind of funny" and forget about it. Unfortunately, I am not most people. This little piece of information really, really bugs me, and honestly, it's not that hard to see why.

You see, money has no inherent value. The entire economy is based around the fact that since we all AGREE that money is worth something, it is. So pennies do not, objectively, serve any sort of purpose. Now, since one cent is basically worth absolutely nothing at this point in inflation, and they are worth less than their components, and nobody WANTS them in the first place, we are essentially continuing to print something that has no worth whatsoever. Pennies are pointless. They do not deserve to exist. They're a waste of resources, time, and labor. And they smell weird.

This is almost completely unrelated, but probably wouldn't fill up a whole post, so I gotta ask. Why the hell are dimes smaller than pennies and nickels? That has been bugging me since I was like five. I bet there's a really stupid, obvious answer too. I'd love to hear it.

Speak of the Devil Part 3

Alright, so we've all seen the incredibly embarrassing posters for Red Riding Hood,* but there's something in particular that I noticed about them the other day that's been bugging me ever since. At the top of the poster, it advertises that the film is from the director of Twilight, and that confused me a lot. Not because he's doing the film itself. I'm totally okay with talentless people branching out to spread their lack of merit to other things.** What I don't understand is why they're advertising that for a movie like this. Seems sort of counterproductive to me.

See, because what's the main demographic for Twilight? Right, teenage girls and pedophiles. Alright, and what's the main demographic for stupid horror movies? Right, young adult males*** and pedophiles. Okay granted, there's one overlap there, but pedophiles aren't really a very profitable demographic. Basically, I just don't understand how advertising that is going to boost sales very much. Seems like it would actually bring them DOWN, considering Twilight's reputation outside of it's core fanbase.

Of course, this is assuming that the actual movie is anywhere close to what the posters are advertising. The way the marketing business works, this could be a buddy cop movie about potatoes for all we know.****

*This isn't so much passing judgment on the film itself before it's released as it is just making fun of the marketing strategy and well, the title. It's so very, very difficult to take it seriously as a horror movie when they call it that. I haven't seen any trailers for it, but when I imagine hearing deep-voice-trailer-guy saying "Red Riding Hood" as menacingly as he can, I just laugh...
**Seriously, I was forced to watch Twilight once. The cinematography was just awful. I realize that's not ENTIRELY on the director, but JESUS...
***I said MAIN demographic, nerd girls. Calm down.
****Working title: RACLETTE AND SPUDS

Make You Feel Awful

It always sort of bothers me when they talk about World War II on the History Channel, and in history classes, and wherever else it is you're getting your information on "crap that happened a long time ago". Not because it's offensive or anything, but because I don't really think it can be qualified as history yet. I don't think you can call it history until every single person who was around when it was happening is dead. Otherwise, I don't think it counts. I mean, that's just gotta make those people feel INCREDIBLY old. And they're already incredibly old. I mean, that just isn't cool. Just seems kind of strange to me.

And the History Channel really, really loves World War II. It's kind of scary actually. If you ever begin to hate yourself enough that you actually seriously consider watching the History Channel, guarantee you'll see something about Hitler within at least 3 hours. And that really seems like ALL they care about. Something that can only really tenuously be called history, and that's their real big focus I just don't really get that.

I do sort of hope this practice continues though. If I live to be like, 109, I want people to ask me about what things were like during the Iraq War.* And I will, with the utmost honesty, tell them that I have absolutely no idea, because I didn't actually pay attention to anything at the time. Or maybe I'll be senile enough to just completely make crap up.** Being old is gonna be kind of fun.

*Or whatever it is they're going to call it. We tend to not actually name wars until after they're over. More importantly, when the hell is World War III coming out?
**"And then the MARTIANS showed up and pulled out they're laser guns and were like PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW!"

Win This Free Shotgun

I always wondered what kind of person it takes to write a computer virus. I mean, if you have the programming skill to pull something like that off, I think you could probably be doing something more productive with your time other than completely ruining someone's day. It's a pretty damn lucrative business, isn't it? There's no reason to go off and fry people's computers. Go get an engineering degree and stop being such a prick.

I also wonder about spam emails. Not the ones that are just obnoxious advertising, though the writers of THOSE also deserve their very own special place in hell. I'm talking about the ones that are just complete gibberish. The ones where it'll be like, a random string of letters and numbers, and then like, two product names. That really baffles me. I've even seen some where there aren't even any links to any stupid websites to fill your screen with pop-up ads about penis enlargement and boobs.* I'm not entirely sure what they're trying to accomplish, although I like to imagine that it's just a really, really poorly executed attempt at subliminal messaging.**

I do sort of like how banner ads are basically only designed to be accidentally clicked on, because no sensible person should ever actually see one and go "Bench press the cow? Win a PS3!? OH HELL YEAH I AM ALL OVER THAT MESS!" Well, nobody who should ever be allowed near a computer anyway.***

*Or both, if you're really lucky. Pop-up hunting could practically be a sport. In other news, this is why I have AdBlocker installed.
**"Yeah, that'll make 'em buy Nikes! Annoying emails! Just what everyone wants!"
***I know this, because I was one of those people, but I was six at the time. I'm not sure why my parents let me use the computer either, so don't ask.

It's About Videogames

I'm sort of pissed that all the video rental stores are going under. Not so much because of the fact that I can't rent movies anymore, because well, pay-per-view and all that crap, but I'm sort of sad about the now very conspicuous lack of ways to rent videogames now. We really don't have any way to do that anymore, besides Netflix, which I don't have.* So there's sort of a void there, and you'd think there'd be a bigger market for it. Of course, the main problem with it at the time** was that it was way too damn expensive. I'm pretty sure they had it jacked up to twelve freaking dollars for one rental by the time they closed. Probably why they closed in the first place.

Of course, this is eventually going to go away once videogames go all digital download and we can just rent downloads like how they do with movies on iTunes. Actually, that's going to be a lot of fun too, once that time rolls around. Once the videogame stores start going under, we are going to see some fantastic clearance sales. I mean, with used games from more than a decade ago going for like, five bucks NOW...can you imagine? Oh man, that is going to be a FUN couple of months.

And man oh man, once that time comes and we stop having to buy physical copies of games, piracy is going to friggin' skyrocket. I mean, think of how easy it is to pirate iPhone games. Now imagine what that's going to do to the console industry. Piracy already going to friggin' murder PC gaming, and consoles are going to get it even worse, I think. And all of this? If I am the luckiest man on Earth,*** it will lead to the return of arcades. I like arcades.

*I'm also pretty sure that Netflix only has games from the past few years. The Blockbuster near my house, which is now a bank, had games fro like over ten years ago. That was pretty sweet.
**I've decided that I'm writing this as if it's like, 2013 and all of those stores have just closed by now. Because let's face it, they're probably going to be gone by then.
***I'm not.

There Are So Many Puns For The Word "Control"

NOTE: I wrote this on Thursday and, like an idiot, forgot to actually publish it. So yeah, double update today.

I have never owned a telivision that I could actually turn on with just a remote. Well, that's not entirely true. You can turn the actual TV on, but for it to actually display anything, you have to turn a whole bunch of random satellite boxes and other nonsense on. And the button that's supposed to turn THOSE on never seems to work properly, does it? I think that's gotta be the only leg cable has up over satellite dishes. You don't have to put up with that stupid crap. You can be even more lazy while you watch your glowy picture box.

The remote control has got to be one of the laziest inventions of all time though. Basically, we have designed something that always us to do even less when we're already doing nothing. That's sort of impressive. Impressively embarrasing, but impressive nonetheless. And now I've heard that they're going to start using crap like the Kinect for remote controls, so you won't even need to worry about losing it.*

The next logical step is, naturally, TVs that read your mind. I want to be able to think "VOLUME UP" or "CHANNEL FIVE" or "PORN" and have it come up. Also, I'm a complete liar.

*This is, of course, retarded, since it would require you to either not move at all while watching TV or make it so insensitive that it will only pick up ridiculously violent motions. So either your body atrophies or you dislocate your shoulder. Tough call.

Leadership Guy Day

I don't really understand President's Day. I mean, it used to make some sort of sense. We had Washington Day and we had Lincoln Day. Okay, a little bit weird that we only have holidays for those two, and no one else, as if they were the only important politicians in American history.* Then apparently someone decided that Washington and Lincoln just aren't cool anymore, so they get lumped into one single holiday with a completely vague name. "President's Day" really doesn't tell us anything at all. What are we celebrating here? Our "freedom"? No, we have the Fourth of July for that. So what then? The fact that...presidents...exist? Or something? Sure, let's go with that.

You know what? No. I know exactly what we're celebrating. Two things, to be exact. The first is not having to go to work. Or school. Or whatever other unpleasant obligation you normally have to go to on most Mondays. Haven't you noticed that they just so happened to make it so that it happens only on Mondays? Subtle guys. Real subtle. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't mind the day off, but seriously guys, at least TRY to make it look like it isn't just an excuse to be lazy and get drunk on a Monday. Hey, why don't we be lazy and get drunk on a WEDNESDAY for once? That'd be kinda fun, right? Anyone?

Of course, we all know what the real big excuse is. We all know that it's just another excuse for big companies to have sales and sell us more useless crap. What do mattresses have to do with George Washington? I'll tell you what. Not a single goddamn thing. So then why the President's Day Sale? Do you just hate us that much? Because I really, really hate you.

*Personally, I would totally be all over Benjamin Franklin Day. Benjamin Franklin was awesome. Just ask the French.

All Kinds of Damage

I like the idea behind those metal spikes that they put at the exits to parking lots. The whole concept of giving someone, as they put it, "SEVERE TIRE DAMAGE" just for accidentally backing up their car a little bit is absolutely hilarious. Even funnier for the fact that it could easily be replaced with some sort of barrier that can only be driven over on one side. So they've essentially put in something that can cause hundreds of dollars of damage to your car, just to show you that they mean business. I think we should start doing that more often. It would certainly bring down the rate of extremely minor crimes.

For example, think of how much safer we would be if we just started shooting people for jaywalking. We could position cops at every major intersection, and if someone crosses to soon, they get shot. I mean, think of all the benefits! It would keep the population down, it would make motorists a lot safer and less worried about hitting pedestrians, and it would give the cops something to do, you know, because things must get pretty slow in the crime fighting industry.

And hey, why stop with jaywalking? I'm sure we could get the military involved in stopping people from running red lights. It's not like they have anything important to do. And I'll bet the SWATs would love to help the RIAA to stop people from pirating music. How else are we going to protect the masses? We gotta put safety first, right? Of course we do. If people think they can get away with stuff like that, they'll think they can get away with ANYTHING.

In Capitalist America, Business Screws YOU Part 3

I'm getting really sick of people selling dirt. You can now* go to gardening stores and buy bags full of dirt. No, not fertilizer. Dirt. Just dirt. Like, twenty pound bags. Filled with dirt. They are literally selling us something that you can get for free by LETTING YOUR FOOD ROT. They are making us PAY (and a fairly large amount at that) for something that is used AS AN EXPRESSION FOR SOMETHING THAT COSTS ALMOST NOTHING.** This sort of blows my mind a little bit. I'd like to know who came up with this idea. What kind of person does it take to say "You know what? I'm gonna start a dirt company."? See, these are the real dangerous people in the world. Because they're money-hungry bastards.

And it's not so much that you're GETTING dirt from somewhere. I get that, you're gardening, you need soil. But why in the goddamn hell are you making people pay for it? That just seems so incredibly wrong to me. I'm not sure if I can stress this enough, but it's DIRT. Friggin' DIRT. It's decomposing plants and animals! That's like making someone pay for a bloated rat carcass! That does not seem right to me. Maybe my priorities are screwed up or something, but I feel like there's got to be something better to spend your money on. Or, I dunno, an easier way to get dirt.***

I think that's one of the few things that I would be totally okay with stealing. Bring the dirt back to the people. Apparently, the corporations have a lock-down on the dirt industry. It's time to return to free dirt for the masses. The citizens of this country demand to have their rotten apple cores back. The Dirt Revolution will not be televised. No one will want to watch it.

*Well, I say "now", but I'm not entirely sure how long this has been a practice. Of course, the correct answer to this question is "Who gives a piss?"
**Alternate title: "Dirt Cheap"
***Seriously, DIRT.

Where Did You Hide The Bodies?

I don't understand how murderers get caught so often. It seems like it would be a pretty easy thing to avoid. I mean, I realize you have to be pretty damn stupid to kill someone in the first place, but that doesn't mean you have to be completely incompetent. I'm talking about the people who very discreetly and quietly murder someone, with no one noticing, and then they end up just hiding the body in the woods somewhere. How could they ever think that nobody was going to find it? Seems like a pretty damn simple process to me.

First of all, you wear gloves when you kill the guy. Do it at night, while they're sleeping. Try not to touch anything or leave any blood stains. Then, put the body and a shovel in your car and start driving. Drive all the way up into the mountains or deep into a forest or something. Dig a really, really, really deep hole. Put the body and the murder weapon in the hole, bury it, and cover your tracks. Make it look like nothing happened there. Seriously, I'm only slightly sociopathic and I've got this figured out. It shouldn't be that damn hard.*

I've also never really understood the people who kill their girlfriend or their wives. Well, no, that's not entirely true. I don't understand the girlfriends and wives. I mean really, how do you spend that much time with a person and not realize that they're a psychopath? I realize that mental breakdowns can happen, but that can't be the case ALL the time. Maybe it's a really, really weird fetish.**

*I feel like I should have some sort of disclaimer to point out that I'm not actually planning on murdering anyone, but I feel like I'd just be insulting your intelligence. If you couldn't figure out that I was kidding, you probably don't have the motor skills to use a computer. Or turn one on.
**Mental images, yeah!

Stupid Bloody Monday

I despise Valentine's Day.* Putting aside for a moment that it appears to be a holiday specifically designed to make single people feel like absolute crap all day,** it just doesn't make any make sense to me. I mean, there's plenty of days to express to your significant whatever that you love them. Their birthday, your anniversary, frakkin' Christmas, or, you know, every day? How about that? Why do we need to set aside a special day just for romantic love? Shouldn't that be like, something you do every day? Isn't that whole point of relationships and all that stupid crazy nonsense? Okay, so most people in relationships aren't actually in love, especially those that claim to be, but that just makes it even more irritating. It's a waste of a holiday.***

This is of course completely forgetting how incredibly disturbing the origins of the holiday are. We are celebrating a Saint getting decapitated. I mean, you could claim that we're "honoring his death" or some stupid crap like that, but the fact is, he just doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would appreciate that very much, especially considering all the amounts of pointless commercial bull we've lumped in with this stupid waste of calendar space. Screw that.

And you know what else? It creeps the hell out of me to see an internal organ plastered all over the walls. You know what? That's freakin' nasty. No one wants to see what your giant blood muscle looks like. Put it back inside your chest and get out of my house.

*All of last week, I was going "Oh man, I am going to write SUCH a misanthropic blog post on Monday." This is going to be satisfying.
**CAN'T THINK OF WHY I'M SINGLE GUYS. JUST LOOK AT THAT CHARM.
***Personally, I'd like to replace it with something far more awesome. Like, I dunno, "Flying Motorcycle Fight Day". I think that would make for a much more interesting time. And a much more interesting hospital ward.

I Wrote This While Completely Sleep Deprived

People complain about sleep a lot. Especially high school kids, but I imagine adults do it a lot too. But see, we always bitch and moan about how tired we are, and how we "couldn't get enough sleep last night". But you know what? That's total crap. Tell me, when was the last time you stayed up really late because you were trying to get something finished? Okay, granted, but how many of those times were due to procrastination? How many of those times were just the result of you not doing it at a more reasonable hour, or spreading it out over the course of several days? I'm not saying this isn't a legitimate work planning strategy, because it totally is, but I think most of the time, we're bitching about something that is completely our fault.*

I also love how much more important sleep is in the morning than it is at night. Every morning, I would pretty much rather die than get out of bed.** And yet, at night, I never remember that. I will literally stay up far into the morning while being bored. I'm pretty sure it's just because I'm afraid I might miss something. Like, if someone tries to assassinate Steve Martin or something, I want to be on the internet when it happens. I mean, that would be really embarrassing to sleep through something like that.

It's also amazing how I can wake up in the morning, be completely exhausted all day, and then when I get home, I don't want to sleep anymore. Now that I have the option to sleep, it has somehow become impossible. Or when it's Friday night, and I can finally stay up late like I've wanted to, and all of a sudden I've become incredibly tired. That sucks. My brain just really does not like me or something. Or maybe I'm completely full of crap and I'm just too stupid to sleep properly.

*Excluding people with insomnia. Yeah, you know exactly who you are.
**How exactly I am still alive is up for debate.

Inspirationally Inspirational Inspiration

I'd like to see a more realistic sports movie. See, basically, every single sports movies, even a lot of the parodies, all work exactly the same. The team sucks. A new coach or something is brought in. The team starts to suck less. The coach does something stupid. The team hates him for awhile. The coach makes up for it somehow. The team loves him again. The team goes on to the finals. Whether or not they win is pretty much a crapshoot, but it's always sort of fun when they don't. Now, Dodgeball* parodied this whole formula with their ridiculously saccharine ending, but that's not what I'm thinking about. I want to see a movie where the team of failures CONTINUES to be a team of failures. Oh, but I don't want it to be a comedy. I want it to be deeply, depressingly dramatic. I want to see how much their incredible lack of talent is crushing the hopes and dreams of the players. Psychological turmoil. THAT would be an interesting movie.

And just for fun, I think it'd be great to advertise it as an incredibly inspirational film about the "triumph of the human spirit" and all that generic critic bull. Just to screw with people. In fact, just make the whole movie seem like it's like that for like, the first half hour. Have the kid with the unsupportive father, but his dad never actually learns to appreciate him. Have the kid with polio or something, and then he dies. Have the kid who starts out as a jackass, and have him remain a jackass. Have the girl that all the other kids say can't play, because she's a girl, and then have it turn out that she's completely awful. And of course, the kid who doesn't want to play because he thinks he won't be any good? He sucks. Hard.

It's not so much that I want to see this kind of depressing movie like this, I just want to see some goddamn originality in this genre. When it's gotten to the point where even the comedies are trite and cliche, something has gone horribly wrong.

*Apparently, the original ending to Dodgeball involved the team losing spectacularly. I would've liked to see that.

And 99 Cents Part 2

I begin to become slightly depressed when I see the signs for gas prices, but not in the way most people do. I don't drive. Gas prices don't mean diddly-crap to me. No, I become depressed because of one particularly stupid thing I've been noticing lately.* Alright, so we've already established how stupid the "99 cents" thing is. Like, seven months ago. Then we get to gas stations. Gas stations will, without a hint of irony, display a price as three dollars, ninety nine cents, and nine tenths of a cent. And this is the point where it begins to become a bit disturbing. There is no possible way to have nine tenths of a cent. It will always, ALWAYS be rounded up to a full cent.

That's kind of where it just goes into just flat-out lying. Granted, what they're saying is technically true, it's such a blatant attempt to trick stupid and/or unobservant people into thinking they're saving a cent. And that really is the saddest part. It's ONE GODDAMN CENT you cheap, cash-mongering, low-life bastards. But it adds up for you, doesn't it? Oh yeah, because you REALLY need more money. I'm sure you need that extra two dollars per fill-up so you can afford another goddamn yacht.

And remember, these are the same people who cause oil spills and all that other stupid bullcrap. So not only are they trying to cheat us out of even more of our money, they're causing problems that our tax dollars, also known as MORE OF OUR MONEY, will have to fix. Maybe you'll change your mind once your stupid private cruise line gets covered in crude oil and broken beer bottles. I'm not even an enviromentalist,** and I know I'm a bit late on this, but JESUS...***

*This seems to be a theme for the past couple of weeks. I can't tell whether or not this makes me more or less psychopathic.
**I did find it kind of funny that Firefox didn't consider "enviromentalist" to be a word though.
***When I started writing this, I had no idea I was going to make myself this pissed off. It's a fun writing mood.

And Everyone Always Smells Weird

Here's something rather specific that's been bugging the piss out of me lately. See, there's these billboards. I'm not sure if they're specific to where I live, or if there in a whole bunch of places. Whatever, the point is that they're for Metro buses. Now, that alone is kind of dumb. People take the bus because they have to, not because they have a choice. And I mean, if there's more than one bus company running in your town, you're going to pick which one to take based on where it goes, not which one is "better".*

ANYWAY, the advertisements seem to imply that by taking the bus, you avoid getting into traffic. Well, at first, that makes some sort of sense, doesn't it? And then, when you think about it, you realize that it's sort of retarded. If you're riding the bus, you're still taking the same roads as you are when you're in a car. It's not like you get to go on some magic, special road just for buses. Granted, sometimes there's a bus lane, but this isn't always the case. More importantly, with the frequency that buses stop, it takes way, way longer to get anywhere on the bus. Not to mention that it probably isn't going to be a direct route to where you want to go. I have on several occasions ridden the bus ten miles to go somewhere that was about five miles away.

I'm not saying the bus is a bad idea. It's a perfectly legitimate way to get around. But advertising it as a way to save time seems a bit deceitful to me. That's pretty much the opposite of what happens.**

*Seriously though, it's a goddamn bus. How much better can one be over the other? They all smell like piss and rat carcasses anyway.
**I become worried when it takes me two hours to get home from somewhere on the bus when it takes twenty minutes in a car.

Ba Dum Ksh

Knock knock jokes kind of suck. The main problem with them is that they're jokes, and that's a bit of an issue, because they aren't funny. Basically, traditional knock knock jokes are puns, but they're puns without any actual context. Now, puns have to be pretty damn well played to be funny in the first place. They tend to kind of suck unless they're delivered really, really well.* So basically, knock knock jokes are the lowest possible form of joke. And we tell them to children.** And there's like a freakin' million of them. Why?

You know it's bad when the only kind of a type of joke that's actually funny are the SUBVERSIONS of that kind of joke,*** and even THOSE have become cliche. I think that's the point where it's time to stop making knock knock jokes. If you like knock knock jokes, you are most likely a baby who does not yet know what comedy is.

Also, every time I hear a standup comedian tell some sort of pun, and they aren't Bill Cosby, I come very close to stabbing them. Which is very difficult to do when you're not actually there, so it takes some effort.

*Or ironically, which is my favorite thing in the universe next to homophones getting punched in the crotch. And elephants.
**I hated knock knock jokes as a child. Then again, I was a bit strange. "NO! That is NOT a well-crafted comedic angle!"
***Interrupting cow.

Or A Super Bowl Pun

I don't care about the Super Bowl.* I have never cared about the Super Bowl. For several years, I pretended that I cared about the Super Bowl, but I really, really don't. I have never been able to get obsessive about that type of the thing, and to be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure why other people do. I have no real reason to cheer for any team, or to put any sort of emotional effort into it. I've met people who go into deep depressions if their favorite sports teams lose, and frankly, I'm worried for them. I don't understand how you could possibly care about a group of people that you've never met winning a ball game. That simply does not work in my brain.

A lot of people say that it has to do with supporting your city's team. Well, there's several things wrong with that. First of all, why are you so proud of your city? You just live there. Hell, some people are huge fans of teams from cities they weren't born in and don't live in. They just like it because their parents did, which is completely ludicrous to me. More importantly, most of the people on the team aren't actually from your city. That's how the draft works. So the actual players? You know, the people who are actually playing the game? They don't give a damn about your city, they just want to make some money. Good for them.

And I don't think I need to get into the incredibly large amounts of bull involved with college football. But just for the record, letting someone into a prestigious university just because they can play sports really well? That is just completely retarded. Colleges are supposed to be institutions for, you know, learning. And then we have these 200 pound morons coming in just so the school can make some money. Sort of makes me want to vomit blood.

*According to my hit statistics, there are like twelve non-Americans who frequent this site. I imagine they care even less.

And I Hate How They Spell It

What exactly was going through the head of the guy who invented the Segway? Okay, so we know that he totally thought that Segways were going to be the future, right? And I'm not really sure where he got that idea from, because there are about eight hundred sixty five million reasons why that's completely stupid. I counted. But that would take awhile to explain, so let's focus on the big ones.*

Okay, first of all, we have to wonder if this guy's ultimate goal was to completely replace walking altogether, or completely replace cars altogether. No matter what, he pretty much failed on both accounts. The Segway is not capable of riding across anything besides flat surfaces,** so it's pretty much impossible for it to replace walking.*** And obviously, the stupid things are too damn slow to replace cars. Also, they suck in pretty much every way compared to cars. Can't replace wheelchairs because they require legs. Can't replace bikes because bikes are faster and look less retarded.

And that brings us to the most important point. It is literally impossible to ride on a Segway without looking like a massive tool. There have been studies to prove it.**** Also, if you wear a helmet while riding one, there is no help for you. Go back into your house, lock the door, curl up in the corner, and try to will yourself out of existence. I'd suggest killing yourself, but you're riding a Segway. You probably wouldn't be able to figure out how.*****

*Yes, this has been done thousands of times. Many, many, many, MANY websites have written "SEGWAYS R STOOPID LAWL" bits, and you know what? I'm writing one of those too. Sue me.
**This isn't ENTIRELY true, but it's true enough for the point to still stand, so it doesn't really matter.
***I can't believe I just wrote that sentence. God DAMN is that depressing. Just...wow. We need to get it together guys.
****Note that "studies" in this context means "making fun of people at the beach".
*****Does pointing out the fact that a joke is tasteless make it any less tasteless? No? Dammit.

Six More Weeks of Stupidity

Groundhog Day is stupid. Granted, this seems sort of obvious, but it still just completely baffles me. I'm sure it's all rooted in some weird Pagan symbolic thing that I could not possibly understand, and since it's Paganism, it probably has something to do with sex, but that's really beside the point. What worries me is that whether or not the groundhog sees its shadow is reported on the news. Not just local news, but on freaking national television. And frankly, I find that sort of embarrassing. I mean, I know it's just pandering, and you could go on and on about how it's "tradition", but I really despise whenever airtime gets wasted. This might have been excusable if it were an incredibly slow news day, but with all the crazy crap that's going on in Egypt* right now, it's really kind of stupid.

I would love to see somebody try to explain the rationale behind the concept. Again, I'm sure it's got this ridiculous, convoluted backstory that eventually mutated into the weird thing we got going on today, but if we just focus on what we do NOW, it just seems absolutely ridiculous. I'd like to see what they do if the groundhog dies, or if he just doesn't feel like coming out that day. And how exactly do they gauge whether or not he sees his shadow? Doesn't really make any sense.

Also, apparently the groundhog has been wrong far more times then he's been right. So you could actually do better at predicting if you just assume the groundhog is wrong. So why not just change the tradition? Would that be sacrilege? No, it's a goddamn giant gopher. Get over yourselves.

There, I didn't mention Bill Murray once.

*On the other hand, I am glad that people are starting to pay attention to Egypt again. They have all this amazingly badass history and mythology that nobody really cared about anymore. It's not much, but I like seeing them get some attention, even if it's for all the wrong reasons.

I Didn't Want To Make A Facebook Pun

How many of the people that you have added as "friends" on any given social networking site* are actually your friends? It struck me awhile ago, and I realized that there were a large amount of people who, if I saw them at school or something, I wouldn't even say "hi". It got even worse when I figured out that there were several people I wouldn't even recognize if I saw them on the street. So I deleted all of them. And the fact that it cut down my "friend" count by about fifty was sort of worrying to me. I think it sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

Have you ever seen one of those guys that have like one thousand friends,** or sometimes even more,*** and you just know that they probably talk to maybe, one hundred of them, tops, on a regular basis. I don't think I could even NAME one thousand people that I would actually really consider my friends. Acquaintances, maybe, but not friends. And it isn't called the acquaintances list.

So I want you to just try it. Go through your list, and flip through every single person. When you reach them, ask yourself if you would really refer to them as your "friend" in conversation.**** If not, delete 'em. You probably don't even read any of the stupid crap they post anyway. It's sort of liberating. I say go for it.

*Which at this this point might as well just be synonymous with Facebook at this point, because it's pretty much the only one anybody uses anymore. It's gotten to the point where "Nobody uses MySpace lawl" jokes have become almost cliche. Oh yeah, and nobody uses MySpace lawl.
**You know exactly who you are.
***You know who you are too, and you kind of scare me a bit.
****Obviously, this doesn't apply to family members and other people you can't delete, like that idiot coworker that will not leave you alone once you do.