Speak of the Devil Part 2

 Well, crap. The great Hollywood Hype Machine has let me down once again. I have seen a billboard for it, and while there will be another Saw movie, it will not be called Saw, as I had hoped. It's not even going to be called Saw VII! Apparently, numbering movies in the correct, linear order for seven films straight is just completely impossible, so this installment will be called Saw 3D. No, I am not kidding you.

First of all, everyone knows that you're supposed to make the third movie 3D so you can make a horrible pun about it. That's like a basic concept of film-making. More importantly, why are they only changing the numbering now. I mean, I realize that once a series gets too many sequels, the producers have made enough money to have their beds built out of crack, so they get a little loopy and just start calling them the movies title and then a stupid sub-title, but why now? The poster on the most trusted source on the internet, Wikipedia, says that it is "The Final Chapter". You can't just not name the last one! That's stupid!

Of course, this almost certainly won't be a problem, because there is no chance that this is "The Final Chapter". That simply will not happen. The freaking fourth Friday the 13th movie also claimed to be "The Final Chapter", and they made like six more after that. And you know what the worst part is? The damn thing will probably be getting a "reboot" in about ten years. And it's either going to be called Saw or Saw: Resurrection, so I might get my wish anyway.

Unintelligent Life Part 3

Welcome to the third installment of "Fiction portrays alien crap really stupid, doesn't it?"

I recently realized that for some reason, any time an alien planet is shown, there always appears to be only one climate. Obviously, this relates back to the "one culture, one language" thing I talked about last time, but I think this is a whole different problem altogether.

Take for example the planet Hoth from Star Wars, frequently described as an "ice planet". Now I know that obviously, there are planets that are very, very cold, like Pluto (which is still a planet, dammit. Don't listen to those "scientists"). However, these planets are almost certainly not habitable, and no amount of insane alien yeti skin would be able to keep Luke Skywalker from dying of hypothermia in twelve seconds. And yet they manage to spend almost an entire movie on it.

Think about the way the Earth works. There are thousands of different climates on just one small planet. Any planet that was at a safe and comfortable distance from its respective sun would have  to be like that. One that wouldn't would be impossible to live on. Either you'd freeze to death or the species would be wiped out after their testicles melted off. Hooray for science!

"How serious is he? Should I make fun of him or not? AAAAAUUUGH!!"

Better Than Formula One Part 2

Okay, so we've already discussed how much cooler NASCAR could be. What about other things on TV? For example, wouldn't it be awesome if Survivor didn't suck? In my lifetime, I have only ever met one person who watches Survivor and it was my dad, and he watches chick flicks, so he's not exactly an expert on entertainment. But it could be so cool!

Basically what I'm proposing is this: let's make it actually about surviving! None of this "challenge" or "tribe" crap. Just a bunch of people, dumped on a deserted island with no resources, forced to fend for themselves. Of course, the last one alive is the winner. You know, the SURVIVOR. The one who lived. I bet we could get tons of people to do it if we jacked up the prize money to, say, two million dollars. Stupid people will do anything for money. That's like, the Las Vegas creed. Put that on a t-shirt.

Of course, it would be a bit tricky. We'd have to find some way to get a whole bunch of small, durable hidden cameras to place all over the island, but I'm pretty sure we already have that technology. Though they'll have to be pretty sturdy to be able to take the occasional run-in with the bears. Oh, did I not mention the bears? Yeah, there's going to be bears.

And just for fun, make one of the contestants secretly work for "Fox". He has a machine gun. It'll be just like "The Most Dangerous Game"! Or possibly Battle Royale, but without the government conspiracy. Actually no, government conspiracy would be cool too. Let's get to work on that.

Schmuck Bait

Why do we abbreviate crap so strangely? Like pounds for example. Why is it abbreviated "lbs"? Because people are crazy! Obviously! That is the only logical explanation. Couldn't be anything else. And ounces too! What's up with that crap!? "Oz."!? Who came up with that? Were they drunk or something? Maybe they were all on crack! Yes, only someone under the influence of DRUGS could have come up with that! It had to have been the drugs! Or the rap music! Or....or....ah screw it, I can't do it anymore.

What is it with people not being able to grasp sarcasm? Or any kind of stealth parody at all? For example, have you ever met those people that really think Stephen Colbert is a conservative? Doesn't that just blow your mind? And if so, doesn't that sort of show what kind of view they have of themselves? Of course, the irony would probably be a bit too subtle for them.

How about the guys that take South Park's word as law? Haven't these people ever heard of satire? Or comedy in general? Or, I dunno, fiction? It's kind of interesting really. While South Park does often use it's plot to deliver morals about things, it's usually done in an incredibly silly way, and it's all sort of tongue-in-cheek. And yet people miss it. How?

Basically what I'm saying is, for those of you who can't grip satire, let me kindly show you the door. It's that big red X in the top-right. Or the top left, if you're a Mac user. Oh look, I just totally broke the flow of a joke. Go me.

Much Better to the Face

So what is the point of the fist-bump? I mean, it sort of works as a stand-alone thing, I suppose, but why is it that nowadays, every single high-five must be followed up with a fist-bump? Can't the high-five stand on it's own? It's worked perfectly fine for us up until recently, when everybody decided that it just wasn't enough. If the high-five is a game of "Battleship", then a high-five with a fist-bump is the electronic version that talks for no reason. Actually no, it's the electronic version that talks for no reason, but this particular one is broken because cousin Steve chewed through the cables again.

Come to think of it, what in the hell happened to the handshake? While yes, the high-five is faster and can look cooler, why is it that the handshake has almost completely died out? The worst thing about high-fives is that there's like a one in three chance that you'll miss the other guy's hand, or just barely touch it, and then both of you look like morons. But a handshake? Hell no! A handshake is always satisfying. A handshake is always final and secure. None of that hit-or-miss crap. Handshakes don't take no bull!

Then there's the fact that some people always try to come up with "secret handshakes". There are at least three problems with this. For starters, you aren't goddamn boy-scouts, you morons. Second, does anybody ever actually remember them after they make them up? Of course not! Because that would be stupid. And finally, what exactly makes it a secret? Are you only allowed to greet each other in private? And what about those people who try to make up handshakes that take like five minutes to do? Get a freaking job!

And hey, I managed to get through this whole post without saying the words "white boy bullcrap." I think I deserve a medal.

Shards of Stupidity

Why do we continue to make things out of glass? Doesn't this seem like a really bad idea? I mean yes, it looks fancy, but think about how often we break this stuff! If you accidentally drop a glass cup once, that's it! It's done! And now you have to spend like an hour cleaning up the shards of glass on the floor, which of course you can't see because it's clear. But you can't just leave it because then you'll get up at 2 AM to get a glass of water and end up with small spikes jammed inside your foot. Glass sucks.

And what about car windows and stuff? I mean, if that crap shatters on you, you're pretty much screwed. And since it breaks so easily with the simple application of say, a hammer, it pretty much makes stealing crap from people's cars a reasonable financial decision. Couldn't we make them out of hard, sturdy plastic? Sure, it would look atrocious, but it would be better than you look after you crash into that lamppost and get shards of glass jammed into your eye socket.

Basically, it all boils down to the fact that human beings put way more stock into aesthetics, rather than practicality. This is also the same devious problem that's behind garnish. Do you know why the Romans kicked the Greeks' asses? Because the Romans didn't care how their swords looked if they could slice someone's genitals off from three feet away.

Dinosaur Poems

"Arggg I'm a Bagaceratops 

Not very big

I come up to your socks

Me eating you is not of concern I'm a herbivore

I only eat ferns"

-"The Bagaceratops", Zachary Alcus

The easiest way to analyze this masterpiece will be to break it down line-by-line, finding the deep meaning behind each individual piece of the brilliance. Together they form an awe-inspiring whole, but separately, we can see the true genius that is Prof. Alcus's mind.

"Arggg I'm a Bagaceratops"
The Bagaceratops is, in fact, a real dinosaur. The true brilliance behind this line is it's ability to make the reader think that it is a fantastic creature, created for the purpose of the work. Combined with the use of the term "arggg", he creates an atmosphere of uncertainty. A feeling of both wonder and fear. What is this Bagaceratops? What does it do? Many questions are left unanswered within the poem, reflecting life itself and the way one might never know his own destiny.

"Not very big"
Here, we get our first indication of the stature of the Bagaceratops, which is key to the main theme of the piece. There are many different interpretations that could be made from this line. Is it a plea for help? A small cry of this creature, suffering from an acute inferiority complex? It could also be construed as a boast, a way of saying that although small, the Bagaceratops still considers itself quite powerful, which is reinforced by its mighty roar at the beginning of the poem. There's also the possibility that Alcus is once again introducing a metaphor on the life of a human being, saying that, like the Bagaceratops, we are also not as powerful as we may think.

"I come up to your socks"
This line is a major turning point in the epic tale of the Bagaceratops. Being a dinosaur, the Bagaceratops would have, naturally, lived millions of years ago. And yet here, it makes reference to a modern-day technology, that of socks. Could this possibly mean that the poem is the lament of a tormented creature, revived by scientists to bend to their will? Perhaps Alcus intended it as a satire of the Jurassic Park series, reversing the roles of the flawed but largely benevolent scientists and the thoughtless, killing dinosaurs. It may be Alcus showing us that although we may not see it ourselves, animals may have just as much sentience as ourselves, and we often forget this.

"Me eating you is not of concern I'm a herbivore"
At this point, we are further confronted with the humanity of the Bagaceratops. Alcus obviously constructed the grammar poorly deliberately, to reflect the juvenile nature of the poor creature. It is highly likely that the Bagaceratops is a child of it's species, not knowing what to do in this world it has just been brought into. These two small facts about itself seem to be things that it has overheard the scientists saying, and it mindlessly parrots them back, being all that it knows. The words seemed to be the scientists reassuring themselves, saying that the dinosaur can't turn on them, for it only eats plants.

"I only eat ferns"
After this line, the poem abruptly cuts off, possibly symbolizing the death of the Bagaceratops, or possibly the loss of its own sentience by use of machines. Where does life go on from here? We are never told. We may never know the true story of the Bagaceratops, this analysis only being the tip of the iceberg that is the genius of this work.

Join us next week when we'll be discussing the deep homoerotic undertones of Jack and the Beanstalk.*

*Not really