So what is the point of the fist-bump? I mean, it sort of works as a stand-alone thing, I suppose, but why is it that nowadays, every single high-five must be followed up with a fist-bump? Can't the high-five stand on it's own? It's worked perfectly fine for us up until recently, when everybody decided that it just wasn't enough. If the high-five is a game of "Battleship", then a high-five with a fist-bump is the electronic version that talks for no reason. Actually no, it's the electronic version that talks for no reason, but this particular one is broken because cousin Steve chewed through the cables again.
Come to think of it, what in the hell happened to the handshake? While yes, the high-five is faster and can look cooler, why is it that the handshake has almost completely died out? The worst thing about high-fives is that there's like a one in three chance that you'll miss the other guy's hand, or just barely touch it, and then both of you look like morons. But a handshake? Hell no! A handshake is always satisfying. A handshake is always final and secure. None of that hit-or-miss crap. Handshakes don't take no bull!
Then there's the fact that some people always try to come up with "secret handshakes". There are at least three problems with this. For starters, you aren't goddamn boy-scouts, you morons. Second, does anybody ever actually remember them after they make them up? Of course not! Because that would be stupid. And finally, what exactly makes it a secret? Are you only allowed to greet each other in private? And what about those people who try to make up handshakes that take like five minutes to do? Get a freaking job!
And hey, I managed to get through this whole post without saying the words "white boy bullcrap." I think I deserve a medal.
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