Why do publishing companies seem to think that people are dumber than half-retarded giraffes? Yes, I realize that there are some monumentally stupid people in the world, but I doubt most of them read a lot of books.
"How so?" you ask, once again talking to yourself and relishing in the self-referential humor. I want you to try something for me. Look around wherever you're reading this. Bedroom, office, cubicle, dungeon, whatever. Now, try to find some sort of novel. If you can't, go out and buy one. It'll do ya good. Now, take a look at the cover. Naturally, it should have the title of the novel on it, unless you took the dust jacket off. Or it's some really pretentious "art" book. Or you bootlegged it. Now, open the book up. Again, you will see the title, this time on some sort of title page. Then you start turning the pages. For some reason, there are some random, blank pages for absolutely no reason. After turning through them, you will find the title AGAIN. Then possibly some more blank pages, some copyright crap, and finally, the actual book. Sometimes, there's yet another title page.
But it doesn't stop there. No, now they have to print the title of the book on the top of EVERY. SINGLE. PAGE. Why? Why is all of this necessary? Is it just in case we forget the title, so that we can be easily reminded? Even with that absurdity as pretense, it still doesn't make any sense, because you could just TURN TO THE COVER.
Logical conclusion: Books are tools of the devil designed to make us think we're stupider than we are.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Try To Read This In Song
I think it would be cool if life was a musical. Wouldn't it be awesome to be able to burst into song any time you were having an emotional moment without getting weird looks from people on the subway? Not to mention the background music, performed by an invisible orchestra. Or more accurately, an orchestra you're supposed to pretend isn't there. Or even more accurately, a CD, because your school's music department sucks.
And then there's the choreography! Wouldn't you just love to see everybody in the cafeteria start dancing on the tables for the big ensemble number? And that weird kid in the corner gets his own solo! The possibilities are endless! Well, at least until the budget runs out and you don't have enough money to pay somebody to paint the backgrounds for you, in which case you'll just have to do it yourself and hope nobody notices that you have no artistic ability. "It's an abstract play now!"
Of course, there are the downsides. I think we might all get tired of wearing makeup all the time. And if show business is anything to go by, ugly people don't exist, so some of your friends might spontaneously disappear. And regardless of the actual content of your life, somebody's going to have to find a way to shoehorn a romantic subplot in there.
But hey, at least it would be better than living in an action movie.
And then there's the choreography! Wouldn't you just love to see everybody in the cafeteria start dancing on the tables for the big ensemble number? And that weird kid in the corner gets his own solo! The possibilities are endless! Well, at least until the budget runs out and you don't have enough money to pay somebody to paint the backgrounds for you, in which case you'll just have to do it yourself and hope nobody notices that you have no artistic ability. "It's an abstract play now!"
Of course, there are the downsides. I think we might all get tired of wearing makeup all the time. And if show business is anything to go by, ugly people don't exist, so some of your friends might spontaneously disappear. And regardless of the actual content of your life, somebody's going to have to find a way to shoehorn a romantic subplot in there.
But hey, at least it would be better than living in an action movie.
Friday, August 27, 2010
First Time For Everything
How do you think primitive man responded to the first retarded person? Did they just think this retarded guy (who I shall refer to from now on as "Steve") was just dumber than everyone else? Maybe they thought Steve was so smart that what he said was beyond their comprehension
And did they ever try to teach Steve how to hunt? I bet that was a disaster. Probably extremely embarrassing for the tribe leader. Did the other tribes make fun of Steve's tribe because they had the stupid guy. And hey, what if Steve was born into leadership? Like, his dad was the tribe leader, and he was the first-born son. Did they make him the leader anyway? Maybe they just threw him off a cliff and didn't tell anyone about him.
Because if you think about it, that situation has got to have happened at least once. It's actually kind of disappointing knowing now that everything has pretty much already been done. We pretty much don't have any originality left. Shut up Pineapple.
But of course, we don't actually know for sure that that's true. Perhaps the world has, in fact, only been here for a few days. It just popped into existence, as it is now. Those are all false memories you have. Yeah, that's weird.
And did they ever try to teach Steve how to hunt? I bet that was a disaster. Probably extremely embarrassing for the tribe leader. Did the other tribes make fun of Steve's tribe because they had the stupid guy. And hey, what if Steve was born into leadership? Like, his dad was the tribe leader, and he was the first-born son. Did they make him the leader anyway? Maybe they just threw him off a cliff and didn't tell anyone about him.
Because if you think about it, that situation has got to have happened at least once. It's actually kind of disappointing knowing now that everything has pretty much already been done. We pretty much don't have any originality left. Shut up Pineapple.
But of course, we don't actually know for sure that that's true. Perhaps the world has, in fact, only been here for a few days. It just popped into existence, as it is now. Those are all false memories you have. Yeah, that's weird.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Old Fashion, New Fashion
How exactly does the cycle of fashion work? It seems to me that first, something is popular, then it's uncool, and then it will become cool again for no discernible reason. Take fedoras for example. Fedoras were cool in the 30s, then they were stupid for about 70 years, and now they're starting to become cool again. I actually can see no problem with this though. Fedoras are awesome.
But where does it end? Will powdered wigs one day be cool again? What about top hats? Loin cloths? Who knows! There doesn't really seem to be any rhyme or reason to what's considered cool, so hey, why not? It's not like it actually matters in the slightest, but it's interesting to think about.
It's really more of a question of how exactly it happens. I mean, we all know "fashion statements" are a load of crap, but where does this idea come from? Is it the novelty of wearing something that's so dated? Or is it the same principle that makes B-Movies entertaining, by seeming to be so stupid that it's kind of entertaining in it's own way?
And how exactly do trends get started in the first place? That seems a little strange, doesn't it? Like, who was the first person to do, well, anything really? Some things are beyond our comprehension.
But where does it end? Will powdered wigs one day be cool again? What about top hats? Loin cloths? Who knows! There doesn't really seem to be any rhyme or reason to what's considered cool, so hey, why not? It's not like it actually matters in the slightest, but it's interesting to think about.
It's really more of a question of how exactly it happens. I mean, we all know "fashion statements" are a load of crap, but where does this idea come from? Is it the novelty of wearing something that's so dated? Or is it the same principle that makes B-Movies entertaining, by seeming to be so stupid that it's kind of entertaining in it's own way?
And how exactly do trends get started in the first place? That seems a little strange, doesn't it? Like, who was the first person to do, well, anything really? Some things are beyond our comprehension.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
President AWESOME
Anyone else think it would be cool if we ran presidential elections the same way we run TV talent shows? You can't tell me that wouldn't be fun. Vapid and stupid, but fun. We could have musical acts come on and perform songs about how great the candidates are! And the vice presidents could do a duet! And we could have past winners come on and do an encore speech!
All I'm saying is that we need to shake things up. Sure, last year we had a lot of people voting, but that's only because we had a black guy running this time. Soon he'll be gone, and we'll be out of things to talk about. How about we have the presidents make speeches while skydiving! Or have the results selected by a fight to the death!
No wait, I got it. How about we have them both fight it out with a starving elephant! Whoever lives longer is removed from the arena and declared president. And hey, if we get rid of that stupid rule about them having to be born in America, we could finally having "Presahdent Ahnold"! I can't think of any other politicians who could pull it off. Well, Sarah Palin maybe. OOH! IT'S SOCIAL SATIRE NOW GUYS! NOTHING BUT POLITICAL ANALYSIS FROM NOW ON!
No, not really.
All I'm saying is that we need to shake things up. Sure, last year we had a lot of people voting, but that's only because we had a black guy running this time. Soon he'll be gone, and we'll be out of things to talk about. How about we have the presidents make speeches while skydiving! Or have the results selected by a fight to the death!
No wait, I got it. How about we have them both fight it out with a starving elephant! Whoever lives longer is removed from the arena and declared president. And hey, if we get rid of that stupid rule about them having to be born in America, we could finally having "Presahdent Ahnold"! I can't think of any other politicians who could pull it off. Well, Sarah Palin maybe. OOH! IT'S SOCIAL SATIRE NOW GUYS! NOTHING BUT POLITICAL ANALYSIS FROM NOW ON!
No, not really.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Three Year Bonus
Why is the drinking age so arbitrary? I mean, I'm not rallying for it to be lowered, I'm just asking for a little consistency.
Think about it: You have to be twenty-one years old to drink alcohol in America. However, when you're eighteen, you can legally join the army, get married, have sex, smoke, gamble, be forced to pay taxes, live alone without a guardian, be tried as an adult, go to jail, get almost any job available to you, drive a car, and about a thousand other things. So why is it that the minimum age requirement for almost everything else that it's illegal for minors to do is three years younger than what it is to be able to drink?
Are those three years really going to make you any more responsible? Of course they aren't, that makes no sense! And besides everything else, nobody even pays attention to the law in the first place. Hell, we could just go back to the whole thing about safety regulations. I say let the parents decide when kids are ready to drink.
I mean, I realize it's extremely "Ayn Rand-ish" to basically say, "YOU'RE NOT MY FRIGGIN' MOM, GOVERNMENT!", but really now, I think it would be a great way to teach kids responsibility. Let them find out for themselves what a hangover is like. If they want to start drinking in fifth grade, who are we to stop them? It's their livers, let them destroy them.
Think about it: You have to be twenty-one years old to drink alcohol in America. However, when you're eighteen, you can legally join the army, get married, have sex, smoke, gamble, be forced to pay taxes, live alone without a guardian, be tried as an adult, go to jail, get almost any job available to you, drive a car, and about a thousand other things. So why is it that the minimum age requirement for almost everything else that it's illegal for minors to do is three years younger than what it is to be able to drink?
Are those three years really going to make you any more responsible? Of course they aren't, that makes no sense! And besides everything else, nobody even pays attention to the law in the first place. Hell, we could just go back to the whole thing about safety regulations. I say let the parents decide when kids are ready to drink.
I mean, I realize it's extremely "Ayn Rand-ish" to basically say, "YOU'RE NOT MY FRIGGIN' MOM, GOVERNMENT!", but really now, I think it would be a great way to teach kids responsibility. Let them find out for themselves what a hangover is like. If they want to start drinking in fifth grade, who are we to stop them? It's their livers, let them destroy them.
Monday, August 23, 2010
There Are No Schools In California
Why is it that on TV and in movies, you only ever see indoor schools? I mean, I know that most of the country has indoor schools, but then I realized that there's sort of logical gap there.
Okay, where are most things filmed? Southern California. And Southern California has almost all outdoor schools. So what gives? Apparently, everything is shot in SoCal, except for shows that involve a school. How does this make sense?
It's almost like some kind of weird subversion of expectations. Everything else follows the rule that most things are shot in this area, except for this one specific thing. Even when it's supposed to take place in a completely different country, it's still filmed in California.
I must therefore conclude that there are in fact, no schools in California. If you came to have seen one or been to one, you were hallucinating. There is no educational system in California. Actually, that would explain a lot.
Okay, where are most things filmed? Southern California. And Southern California has almost all outdoor schools. So what gives? Apparently, everything is shot in SoCal, except for shows that involve a school. How does this make sense?
It's almost like some kind of weird subversion of expectations. Everything else follows the rule that most things are shot in this area, except for this one specific thing. Even when it's supposed to take place in a completely different country, it's still filmed in California.
I must therefore conclude that there are in fact, no schools in California. If you came to have seen one or been to one, you were hallucinating. There is no educational system in California. Actually, that would explain a lot.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)