Fox News Liberal

I often wonder why the people who complain about Fox News so much keep watching Fox News. I mean yeah, we get it, it's an embarrassment, but then why are you still watching it? You know, because SOMEBODY'S gotta be posting all those videos on YouTube. Taking the time to record all of it and everything? That's a lot of dedication to something you hate. It's not like there aren't fifty thousand other news channels on. Or hell, the internet. Or hell, pretty much anything else to do that isn't watching Fox News.

A lot of people argue that it's good to watch things like that, to see what the "other side" is thinking. But you know what? No. Fox News is not the "other side". That's like saying that the "other side" for conservatives are the PETA people. Yes, they're idiots, and they're fun to make fun of, but most people aren't actually like that. The "other side" is the actual smart, competent Republicans. You know, the ones that can actually articulate their beliefs beyond "Barack Obama is totally a gay Muslim". I think sometimes we forget that some of the people who disagree with our opinions aren't insane, racist bastards. Some of them are alright.

But I suppose it's pointless, since as long as there are idiots, there will be cynics like me to make fun of them. But I'm just wondering where all these people are coming from. Maybe they just LIKE Fox News, but they make fun of it because they want to fit in. Peer pressure is a harsh mistress.

If You Don't Copy/Paste This Ten Times...

You know, we're going to be totally screwed if somebody comes out with a chain letter that actually has mystical properties. Or I guess chain copy/paste these days, but whatever. You know, because somehow, there are apparently some people who still believe that if they don't repost that message, a ghost is totally gonna come to their house and pummel them with a 2x4. I don't think I've ever actually met any of those people in real life, presumably because they often die too quickly running into open traffic after being convinced that there would be candy under that manhole. But whatever, we let these people have their insane sputterings on YouTube, and maybe someday one of them won't repost enough times and they'll end up getting raped by the ghost of a gay cowboy, or whatever it is they say these days.

But that's the thing. If there were actually a chain letter that actually killed you if you didn't repost it, all of the calm, logical, rational people would DIE OUT. And the stupid, gullible ones would get to live! That's actually pretty brilliant, if you think about it. All the ghosts that I imagine are reading this, please don't steal this idea. I'm now planning on using it to get revenge on whoever inevitably kills me after mistaking me for a van. Or a quail. Basically what I'm saying is that I plan to get killed by the border patrol, or possibly Dick Cheney.

It's sort of like all those internet ads that offer you free stuff for no discernible reason. How many people still fall for those? And how many of them get sectioned every year. "Oh HEY! Advertisers have never lied to me BEFORE. Sweet!"

Please See This Movie Oh God

I think it's awesome that Tom Cruise still thinks that putting his name on a poster makes people go "Oh snap, Tom Cruise is in this! We gotta go see it!" Or rather, that advertisers missed that, since I'm about 97.4% certain that he didn't actually put together the poster for Mission Impossible 4,* although I imagine that situation might have come up, because he's probably crazy enough to insist on it. Apparently, they all didn't get the memo that pretty much everyone started hating Tom Cruise about three years ago when we realized hey, this man is dangerously insane. Also, he's a Scientologist,** and everyone hates Scientologists. Sure, there are plenty of them in Hollywood, but most of them at least try to keep it somewhat under wraps. Tom Cruise is the Scientology equivalent of those Jehovah's Witnesses who won't get off your goddamn porch.

But hey, maybe they're banking on the whole "crazy" thing. After all, people do love spectacle. That's why we so greatly enjoyed Charlie Sheen going completely off the rails a couple months ago. So I guess maybe they're trying to convince people that they might have accidentally left in the take where he went insane and tried to shank one of the other actors for hailing Xenu. Actually, that'd be pretty good. If Mission Impossible 4 has a blooper reel, I would love to see it.

At least John Travolta had the courtesy to already be a complete nutcase. Cruise just sort of slower went more and more nutty. Hollywood does great things to people, you know that?

*I refuse to call it Ghost Protocol, because it's the fourth goddamn movie and all the other ones had numbers on the end.
**These two things are very rarely mutually exclusive.

Mobile Cellular Telophone

I like the direction the whole "smartphone" thing has been going lately. I mean, first we had the iPhone, and it's pretty cool. And then Google went, "Hey, we could do the same thing but with more accessible software and a confusing interface!", so then we got all the Androids. And those are pretty cool too. I don't buy into the whole "iPhone vs. Android" war, mostly because I find any sort of war between groups of people who like specific products (see: Mac vs. PC, the Console Wars, the Iraq War) to be incredibly disturbing, but also because they're pretty much the goddamn same and I don't care so shut up.

ANYWAY, I like the idea of everyone just walking around with a fully functional computer that can look up anything and play music and video games and brush your teeth and even occasionally make phone calls if you're lucky. It's a cool concept, mostly because it reminds me of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, except instead of just being Wikipedia, there's also porn. And other stuff, but mostly porn, because we're talking about the internet and that joke is obligatory with that territory. 

The only problem I see is that they can't pull the whole "Let's just keep making them smaller and smaller until they become horrifically uncomfortable to use" thing again, because the format makes it pretty much impossible. Which is good, because the whole "micro" thing pisses me off. So instead, they're just going to keep making those bastards faster and faster, until they're on par with the speed of our modern PCs. And then we can just plant a flag in the ground and declare that we have officially reached the future. I'm excited.

Tax Collectors

You gotta feel bad for meter maids and traffic cops. Or really, anyone who has a job that forces them to do stuff that pisses other people off. Like repo men. I mean after all, they're just doing they're jobs. I bet the guys who have to write people parking tickets get screamed at pretty much every day. You know, like some guy tries to park his car on the twentieth floor of a skyscraper while he goes out to buy string beans and you gotta go in there and write him a little piece of paper that says "Hey you know what? Maybe you should park ANYWHERE BUT HERE." And then the dumbass comes back while you're doing it and starts yelling about how there was a very important task he had to attend to. And then when you ask him about all the grocery bags filled with string beans, he claims that he was thwarting a robbery at the supermarket. And then he tries to sue you, and you drink a lot. Or at least, that's what I assume happens.

Then again, it'd probably take a certain type of person to pursue this kind of career in the first place. Like how they always portray repo men on TV as being soulless psychopaths who derive an almost perverse sexual glee from taking other people's stuff. Although I bet that probably wouldn't go over very well during the interview, unless the other guy was equally psychotic.
"So Johnson, what makes you think you're qualified for this position?"
"I LIKE TAKING PEOPLE'S THINGS! HAHAHAHA!!!"
Although even the psychopath might get a bit nervous once you start chewing on the desk and trying to remove his necktie by force. So maybe all repo men aren't kleptomaniacs, but it'd probably help. Also, I may have kleptomania confused with complete insanity. Oh well.

I Don't Actually Understand Science At All

I think we should push the whole genetic engineering thing as far as we possibly can. You know, just to play God and make everything completely ridiculous. See, because I don't believe the whole "tampering with the things man was not meant to" thing. I believe that if we have the technology, we should laugh in the face of nature and make as many affronts to God's design as we possibly can. When some other species shows up and takes over this planet,* we should make them REMEMBER THAT WE WERE HERE dammit! Every time they look at the apples the size of watermelons growing in the backyard, they'll remember the crazy bastards that used to live here.

Cus we're already kinda doing this sort of thing, just on a way smaller scale. Engineering enormous strawberries and dogs with horrific inbreeding. All that good stuff. I think we should have the balls to tamper with the laws of the universe and make unnecessarily huge dogs that live for fifty years. And cats that can talk. Is that a thing we can do? It should be. All that funding we put towards important stuff? Child's play. Those glow-in-the-dark pigs are just the beginning people. Soon we will have pets that make zero goddamn sense. And it will be awesome.

Okay, so probably not, but I would love for the "genetically modified food" people to shut the hell up. You wanna not starve? Eat your goddamn Frankenstein carrots and shut up. You people are holding up the future.

*Either aliens or dolphins, really.

Rick Perry is a Dickhead

I normally don't do this sort of thing, but I talk about this kind of stuff all the time, and it's really pissing me the hell off at the moment, so I figured I'd discuss this a little bit. I would really encourage you to watch that entire video. Really listen to what this man is saying. Then remember that he wants to be the PRESIDENT OF OUR COUNTRY. This is a man that thinks that a pretty respectable population of our country are a bunch of disgusting deviants who shouldn't have the right to serve in our military. That pretty much proves to you right there that he's a massive dickhead. But hey, plenty of politicians are dickheads, right? Sure, but you should also consider the fact that he's a goddamn idiot. This is a man that thinks that Christians are a persecuted minority that get throttled down by the raging atheists that are running America. Here we have a guy who, again, wants to be the GODDAMN PRESIDENT, and he believes that there is actually a real, actual "War on Christmas". And he WANTS TO BE THE PRESIDENT.

And yeah, he thinks it's totally alright to basically say "If I'm president I will put the Christ back in EVERYTHING." Because keeping religion separate from government is an extremely alien policy when your head is shoved so far up your ass that you can now breathe in through at least four orifices. Ya can't do that, okay? If you want to run people's lives that way, how about you go back to Imperial England. Have fun over there, you lifeless sack of bastard.

Or, perhaps, maybe he doesn't think these things. In fact, he might not be nearly this insane. He'd still be an idiot, of course, but he'd be a bit less crazy. See, Perry knows that he's kind of screwed at this point, due to the fact that everyone, y'know, totally hates his bigoted ass. But you know who's just as bigoted and insane? Fundies. And you know fundies love this commercial. You know why? Because fundies are bastards, just like Rick Perry. And they laugh in the face of your so-called "separation of church and state".

Go to the YouTube page and flag this video as inappropriate for hate speech towards sexual orientation. And then tell Rick Perry to go eat a dick.

They're Sneaky

It's interesting how we put so much arbitrary trust into certain professions. Locksmiths for instance. You're basically giving a locksmith the means to break into your house and take all your stuff, and nobody ever seems to worried about that. I guess we're just too afraid of offending them. "I don't trust that guy with the only key to my house." "Oh Barbara, you're just saying that because he's British." You know, all those offensive stereotypes. Wouldn't want to be seen as a racist. So we trust some guy to make duplicates of our keys while we go over to the bar next door to get drunk. Awesome.

Same sorta thing going on with plumbers. You know, sometimes. The kinda guys that don't really have any idea what the plumber is actually doing, so they just go off to another room and hope that he figures it out. But we're very trustworthy of this guy in the trucker cap. He won't steal anything. And yeah, he almost certainly won't. Isn't that weird? By that I mean, isn't it weird that I think it's weird that he isn't going to take all your stuff? Does that make any sense? Probably not. What I'm saying is, society has basically programmed us not to trust anybody, because ANYBODY COULD BE A SERIAL KILLER YOU JUST DON'T KNOW. But sometimes, we just totally forget about that. I have absolutely no idea what the point I'm making is.

That kinda attitude is all over the place on the internet, isn't it? On the internet, anyone could be a pedophile. You just don't know. And they're all going to come and rape you. And you know, this would be harder to argument if the internet would stop proving it right every other week.

Cryptozoology

I wish we had more crazy adults who believe in Santa Claus. Why not? There's the Loch Ness Monster people, the Big Foot people, the Scientologists...why should we not also have the insane Santa Claus contingent? Just because something is provably non-existent doesn't mean there shouldn't be a massive number of people claiming that they've seen it. I couldn't even find a website for it. Talk about a let-down. It doesn't matter whether or not you can just say "No dude listen, that was just your dad putting the presents in the living room." There is no amount of substantial proof that can't be ignored by the right kind of person by sticking their fingers in their ears and screaming.

Really, I just want someone to mount a mission to the North Pole to try to find him. Wouldn't that make a great story? They did something like that with Nessie, and it was hilarious. Sonar and everything. Turns out she wasn't there. I was shocked, personally. But what I really want to see is somebody start a video blog, showing all their preparation and research for their massive North Pole excursion to finally conclusively prove the existence of Santa. Tell me you wouldn't watch that. I would, but I'm also dangerously insane, so I might have a bit of a sampling bias there.

If anything, we could probably get all the Occupy people all over it, since the elves are all apparently working slave labor. That'd be fun, right? Get a bunch of rebels to go in and beat the crap out of Santa. We should get in on that. Best Christmas ever.

The Twenty Dollar Man

I'm a bit worried about the day that it becomes possibly for me to wire a USB port into my arm. Probably because I know myself a bit too well. See, I'm all for the cybernetic improvement thing, no matter what Deus Ex tells me, because it's going to be totally awesome. So I know that as soon as it becomes economically feasible for me, I'm gonna get that port installed. And then about a week later, they're gonna find me in my apartment, completely emaciated, with a fully charged iPod hooked up to my arm. "I just need a bit more battery," I'll tell myself. "I got enough money for food."

Yeah, that's basically just my insane fantasy that we'll be able to use the energy from our own bodies to power electronics. Mostly just because that sounds incredibly cool. And imagine what a great weight loss technique it would be! Just hook up like six laptops and wait until it starves you to death. Actually, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't work like that at all, but a man can dream. And if that man's dreams just have to involve being able to bring a USB sandwich press everywhere so that he can make paninis whenever he damn well pleases, then so be it.

I'd also be interested in the opposite. You know, hooking a cable from yourself to the wall and recharging yourself. Creepy as hell? Absolutely. One step away from the Matrix? I'd imagine so. Still, it'd be cool to be able to stave off sleep by plugging yourself into a wall outlet. Aww screw it, let's just make everybody robots.

Our Crap is the Best Crap

I like that there's like a thousand different companies that claim they have the best treatment for acne. It shows that, really, we either have absolutely no idea what the best way to cure acne is, there are way too many different ways to do it, or it's different for everyone in the world. They all seem equally likely, and probably aren't mutually exclusive. But apparently, if you just tell people "No no no, THIS is the real bird feces you have to spread all over your face. WE'RE the only ones who have got it all figured out." There's probably one company that actually HAS got it all figured out, but everyone just makes up their statistics anyway, so nobody's ever going to figure out the difference.

It's the same sort of crap they do with weight loss "supplements" and diet pills. Every single one of the advertisements for weight loss "miracle cures" claim that while every other horrible scam won't help you at all, THIS horrible scam will finally help you lose weight without having to actually do any work. The Americna Dream, basically. Exercise is for squares.

And like I've said before, I don't even know why they advertise medicine on TV in the first place, especially prescription meds. No one actually cares about those commercials. Except Viagra. Everyone loves Viagra.

I Don't Want To Ride the Polar Express

I don't understand the whole epic struggle to make computer generated animation look like real life. Does anyone else see something horribly wrong with that? Isn't the whole point of animation to depict characters and situations that couldn't possibly exist in real life? So what's up with all these motion capture CG movies that are practically identical to reality except for all the cold, lifeless eyes? Tell me something, if you want to make it look like live action, why didn't you just SHOOT IT IN LIVE ACTION? Seems like it would probably save a hell of a lot of money. And you wouldn't have to make Tom Hanks wear that goofy-looking suit with all the ping-pong balls on it.

I wish they still had to build ridiculous-looking puppets to put monsters in live action movies. Doesn't make you kinda sad to know that if Gremlins was made today, Gizmo would've just been CG? That totally sucks. I don't usually bitch about this sort of thing, but it really is a lost art. Nobody ever builds elaborate sets in order to hide the fact that the little goblin guy is a robot. I like crap like that. I like those documentaries showing how they do it. Nowadawys, it could be about five seconds. "I did the whole thing on the computer." Lame.

And if anything, it'd give Universal Studios more robots for their terrifying tram rides. The world needs more of that.

Hail Xenu!

I think it's high time that someone forms the anti-Scientology religion. I'm not talking about stuff like Project Chanology* where they just talk about how much Scientology sucks. That's perfectly fine, but I'm talking about a church that preaches the opposite of whatever Scientology teaches. The Satanism to Scientology's Christianity, if you will. You know, like they worship Xenu and say that the "superpowers" that Scientolgy supposedly gives you are like demonic possesion. This is mostly because the Church of Scientology is full of lying, cheating bastards and I want to see their over the top reactions, but also because I think "Hail Xenu!" sounds really cool. Hail Xenu!

After all, L. Ron Hubbard didn't believe in any of that crap anyway. He made it up for a story, and then when people started taking it seriously, he just sort of rolled with it. Really, taking Scientologists seriously is like listening to somebody who worships Puff the Magic Dragon and going "Yeah, this guy knows what's up." And yet we still listen to them, apparently just because a whole bunch of famous people started doing it.

What's the deal with that anyway? Is it just the attention whore thing, or are they deliberately targetting celebrities? And if so, how are all those celebrities that stupid? Is it something in the water in Hollywood. I think most people have a bit more common sense than that.

*Just...just look it up.

Down At the Bottom of the Sea

I think it'd be cool if the deep sea exploration people could get some more funding, but they're not going to, because there's pretty much no chance of any sort of returns on it. Unless they find sort of endlessly repeating bacon volcano down there, deep sea exploration isn't exactly a profitable excursion. It's interesting, sure. And awesome, certainly, but there isn't much of a way to get any sort of money or benefit from it. Angler fish are badass, but they don't cure any diseases. Not yet anyway (call me in five years).

I guess it sort of sucks that we don't have the money for supporting research just for the sake of research. After all, if you have the choice between giving money to the guys who are trying to cure cancer, or the guys who are trying to figure out just how freaky-looking the fish on the bottom of the ocean are, it's not much of a fight. And I get that, but it's pretty sad when we're in a situation where we can't afford to be curious about the stuff that's right here on our home planet. At least the space travel guys can play the "we may need to colonize another planet at some point guys" card, but the marine biologists? They don't have crap. "Maybe we could like, build a big dome underwater. Like in Bioshock." That's probably far more expensive than it's worth.

I think what they need to do is convince everyone that there's something super valuable at the bottom of the ocean. Like, I dunno, lingerie or something. Then they can do all the research they want while pretending to be building the lingerie mines. Yeah, this plan is fool-proof.

Three Races Only, I Guess

I always thought it was weird how every fantasy story always has to have elves, dwarves,* and humans in it, as three separate races. I mean obviously they're doing it because Tolkein did it, and every single fantasy story in the world has to rip off Lord of the Rings now or else it doesn't get published and the government breaks into your house and confiscates all your pens. But that's fine. What I don't get is why it makes any sense whatsoever for three separate, humanoid, intelligent races to all have evolved, but be part of different species. Despite being practically the same. Because obviously, the first thing you need to do when looking at a fantasy story is analyze the underlying biology.

For example, from what I've been able to gather, elves are basically just humans but with longer ears and also better in every conceivable way, which is interesting I guess. Seriously, that's pretty much the moral of Lord of the Rings. "Elves are better than you will ever hope to be you stupid plebeian". And for some reason, they have giant ears. I'm not entirely sure why. I guess it helps them hear better, further making them better than you, but they look pretty stupid. I dunno. I prefer the ones that are employed by a pole-dwelling fat man and craft toys out of raw materials.

And dwarves are basically just humans, but inexplicably shorter. No actual biological difference, they're just short. Why? What benefit does that have? And apparently they're all contractually obligated to live underground and drink beer. Actually, that seems perfectly alright. Carry on dwarves.

*According to spell-check, "elves" is a word, but "dwarves" isn't. Huh.

Read a Book

It kinda sucks that all the book stores are closing, especially since it seems a bit premature. Sure, I think we all know that they're going to be completely dead at some point, probably within the next twenty years, but I thought e-books would become a bit more prominent before it started happening. At the moment, they're still kind of a fringe market. Sure, you hear about them all the time, but how many people do you know that actually read them on a regular basis? The market is there, sure, and I quite like e-books, so I'm all for it,* but it seems like we're not quite there yet. And yet, the book stores are all closing. That sucks. Books are alright too.

Of course, we all know the real reason. I think it was about ten years ago when people realized that hey, you can totally just read a whole book right there in the store. It's practically encouraged! They have those arm chairs, and they never kick you out, even if you stay there for five hours and don't buy anything. They're digging their own grave with that stuff. Especially since a lot of them started selling coffee. And having free Wi-Fi. I know kids who go into the book store, take a cram book off the shelf, study, put it back, and leave. That's gotta be killing them.

And well, yeah, there's also the fact that other forms of entertainment are totally destroying literature at this point, especially the internet. But that's too depressing for me.

*It's not the same as reading an actual book, sure, but those things are just too damn cheap. If you ever start to get worked up over the death of the written word, just remember how damn expensive new release hardbacks were.

After the Beep Guys

Can we all just collectively agree not to use voice mail anymore? It really doesn't have any more reasons to exist at this point. If someone calls your cell phone, and you don't pick up, you're going to see that you had a missed call. Every cell phone has that feature now. And if you see that, you're gonna call them back, or text them, or whatever. And then you don't have to deal with waiting for the robot lady to answer on the voice mail, then trying to remember what the hell your password was,* then listening to the ten minute message your drunk friend left at two in the morning about how they're having "a hell of a time" with all of the "hot bitches" and that you "need to get your ass over here right now".

And that's when you get an actual message at all. Don't you hate it when you go through the entire irritating process of getting connected to the voice mail, and then you find out that somebody just accidentally sat on their phone and left you a twenty minute long message containing nothing but some ambient noise and the occasional muffled scream? I think that's the point when we should have realized that we're basically abusive towards technology. All of this great stuff we can do, and we leave twenty minute voice mails with it. Awesome.

On the other hand, I am excited to be living in the world where the PHONE CALL is becoming obsolete. Technology is developing fast as hell guys. Something that was mind-blowingly revolutionary just over 100 years ago is becoming a minor annoyance. Awesome.

*I forgot my password years ago, so now I just don't listen to voice mail anymore. It is wonderful.

War Movies

I bet the Germans find our obsession with World War II really creepy. You know, because as far as I've been able to tell, if you even mention the Nazis over there, they come over to your house and beat the crap out of you. And can you really blame them? They're trying to move past all this stuff, and here we are making fifteen new movies and video games about it every twenty minutes. That's gotta be pretty annoying. Sure, the Nazis were evil, but I bet it make modern Germans pretty uncomfortable when we make video games where you're encouraged to mercilessly pummel the crap out of their ancestors. There's paying tribute to those who lost their lives in history, and then there's just obsessing over something. I think this has officially begun to qualify as the latter. It's been more than seventy years guys. Let's write something about some other wars.

Like hey, how come we never see anything about World War I? World War I was freaking insane man? Sure the sequel totally upped the stakes, but let's give some love to the poor guys who had to live in trenches. Or the friggin' original fighter pilots. How come Steven Spielberg never made a movie about that? Hell, we have more movies about Vietnam, and we were practically the bad guys in that one! Although I guess that does make for good anti-war stuff, but you know what? So does trench foot.*

Or hey, what about the Korean War? Is there ANYTHING out there about the Korean War? I haven't seen it if there is. Do you even know anythig about the Korean War? I don't. Someone make a movie about it.

*I'm not going to describe this. Just...just look it up.

You Are Not Tom Cruise

I think it's funny how most of the people who are "preparing" for the "zombie apocalypse" are exactly the sort of people who are probably going to be dead within days if something like that actually happens. I mean, here we have a whole bunch of geeks* who, for some reason, think that they'll be part of the few people who gets to stay alive, holed up inside a house, looting stuff and killing zombies all day. And frankly, it belies an incredible amount of rampant egotism in the geek community. "Well of COURSE I won't be turned into a zombie. I'm too SMART for them, and I wouldn't follow the CROWD like that." Alright Melvin, let's see how much your A in AP Chemistry is going to help you when there's one hundred shambling corpses tearing your arms off. Let me know how it goes.

Really, zombies are just a way for hipsters and other people who reject the mainstream just because it's the mainstream to convince themselves that they're better than everyone else. They'll always say that they're going to be sticking it out in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, but no one ever seems to point out the fact that, for someone to be alone, fighting zombies, the majority of the population also has to die. And what makes you think you're going to be one of the people who don't? You won't be. You know who will? People with a lot of money who can build enormous shelters. People who live in cabins in the middle of nowhere who already have real survival skills. You and your stupid ironic t-shirt will join the ranks within the first week, and you know it.

Personally, I'm hoping we all go out at the same time, and not just the planet. Just some universe-wide destruction thingy that kills all lifeforms at once. Admit it, it would make everything way less awkward. And then we'll all get to actually collect on all those bets about the afterlife. Or is that just me?

*Not taking a knock here, because I'm certainly one too, but I also try to be realistic.

I Got Plenty of Sports Ideas

I'm surprised America isn't more into rugby. Or rather, I'm surprised that we're not into rugby at all. After all, it's basically gained status here as "Football, but more hardcore and without all that sissy pad crap", so you'd think we'd be all over it. We're America, dammit! Our country's entire image is all about how goddamn badass we are, and how we're all brutal and could totally take you in a fight. So why aren't we the ones playing the extreme version of the game? What the hell are we, French? I think it's high time we showed those damn commies who's boss.

Furthermore, I think we need to start making water polo a big thing over here. Why? Why the hell NOT? Have you ever SEEN water polo before? It is simultaneously one of the most homoerotic and brutal sports ever, with the possible exception of high-speed downhill naked scrapbooking. This is a game where it is not only allowed, but encouraged, to drown the members of the other team. DROWN THEM. Are you telling me this isn't something rednecks wouldn't totally be all over. You're allowed to shove someone's goddamn head under water and kick them in the crotch, and the ref's not going to know any better because EVERYTHING IS UNDERWATER. Why aren't we playing this all the time?

And hey, what about lacrosse? And I don't mean lacrosse like they play it now, I mean old-style, original, beating people over the head with metal poles lacrosse. That seems like an awful lot like we'd be totally into. It's just like every other sport we have ("shoot the ball into the thing"), only with more sustained beatings with blunt objects. That's how you play, right? No? Well, it should be.