Get Them Ready For the Real World

I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with teaching kids about all the current horrors of the world, like global warming and terrorism and all that horrible stuff. Not because I support sheltering children, because I'm very much against that, as you might have already guessed, but there are two issues that always seem to crop up whenever this gets discussed. First of all, it's difficult to explain these kinds of things to children in terms they understand. And if you dumb it down to the point where the importance of it is diminished ("Hitler was a very bad man."), then they're not going to really understand what the big deal is. Anyone's who's ever had to explain the Holocaust to a small child knows what I'm talking about.*

More importantly, I think, in a strange sort of way, it puts a lot of pressure on kids. When you tell a kid that everything kind of sucks in the world, they're going to want to do something about it. They want to help. Kids are optimistic like that. And that's the thing, they can't. Well, they can make a small impact with donations and stuff, but they can't fix everything. It seems a BIT cruel to me to tell kids, in a roundabout way, "The world sucks and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it." But maybe I'm reading into it too much.

On the other hand, NOT talking about these things gets you a bunch of ignorant people, which isn't any good either. There's gotta be some sort of balancing act between not sheltering your kids and not completely traumatizing them. Of course, most people are terrible at parenting, so it's kind of a crapshoot. Oh well, not like I can do anything about it.

*Don't ask.

In Case of Emergency, Break Glass

I wonder sometimes about buildings that have fire extinguishers in them. Not that I think it's a bad idea or anything, but when a fire starts happening, people sort of tend to panic, shockingly. And when people are panicking, they don't usually have their wits about them, do they? No, usually people are freaking the hell out and making terrible decisions. That's why horror movies can get away with having their characters do really, really stupid things. In the heat of the moment, it's hard to remember not to do anything that will probably get you killed.

So I think fire extinguishers ask a bit too much of people. You're supposed to remember where it is, how to get it out of the wall, and how to use it. That's a lot of things to keep track of when your in danger of being burned to death. And considering fire is one of the scariest goddamn ways to go, I'd say there's plenty of reasons to be scared out of your stupid mind. And that's how you end up making terrible decisions like trying to put the fire out by hitting it WITH the fire extinguisher.

I dunno, maybe it has something to do with my own childhood fear of my house burning down. Seriously, I had escape routes planned out and everything, as well as maneuvers for how I was gonna evacuate my dog. Also, I just made myself paranoid. Great.

One Year and Two Days

I realized today that the first anniversary of this blog was two days ago. At first, this bugged me. "I should've done something special!", I thought. "I could have at least done something tongue-in-cheek! I am a failure!" Then I wept softly to myself for several hours before I realized that I was weeping into my keyboard and my laptop had caught fire.

After returning from the burn ward, I concluded that there wasn't anything of particular interest I could write about. I mean, what is there to really say about a blog that is nothing but me complaining about things every weekday for an entire year now? Not a whole lot. It sort of brings up the question of why I do it in the first place. After all, I have been quick to point out that my readership is essentially zero, so what the hell am I doing here? I honestly couldn't tell you. There is nothing motivating me to keep updating every day, and yet I do. And trust me, I have gone to some rather absurd lengths in order to avoid missing updates.

Perhaps I'm just writing in the hopes that someday, something I say will be of use to someone. I don't know how. Perhaps society will collapse, and some day my blog will be found by archaeologists, and used as an example of what life in 2010s America was like. Of course, that won't happen. But I'm writing anyway. I love all zero of you, dear readers, and I don't want to stop doing it. Would hate to disappoint you.

Also, His Name Is Cooler

Speaking of Neil Armstrong and the moon landings, I always felt bad for Buzz Aldrin.* The guy does just as much work, goes to the goddamn moon, and nobody remembers him. Everyone always remembers Neil, because he got to go first. I wonder if they drew straws over that. I bet there were at least some arguments over it. Or maybe Buzz was one of those really nice guys, and he just let Neil go first. Or maybe Neil was a complete tool and decides that he should go first and that Buzz could shut his face. I don't know, a lot can happen when you have a bunch of guys floating through space in a tin can.

But maybe just going to the moon at all makes up for the fact that no one remembers he did it. I mean, that's pretty much number one on my list of "Things Science Better Make Possible Before I Get Assassinated". Sure, nobody would believe him, but he WAlKED ON THE MOON. Nowadays, he could've just brought a literal digital camera with him and shot some home movies up there. That's what I'm going to do.**

*It was one of the great moments in my life when I said this in a conversation and the other person said "Who?", so I got to say "Exactly." My life is boring, remember?
**You don't get to crush my dreams.

Neil Armstrong Would Be Pissed

I'm trying to figure what exactly the "the lunar landing was fake" people* are trying to accomplish. Besides "prove we never landed on the moon", I mean. What do they gain from it? Do they just want to show everyone that the government is horrible and that we're all sheep? I think most of us are already sort of vaguely aware of that. But guys, it was like half a goddamn century ago. Even if by some stroke of stupidity, you were right, nobody really cares anymore.

"Hey guys, the moon landing was faked!"
"Okay."
"No really, you can tell by the-Wait, what?"
"I said okay, whatever."
"So come join me in the crusade! The crusade for the truth!"
"Nah dude I got...stuff to do."

Hopefully, they'll go away eventually. I'd say that we can just wait until the next inevitable "faked" event, but that didn't work when 9/11 happened, because we just have both of these groups of morons running around. Well, that's not entirely true I guess. I'm pretty sure it's all the same group of about twenty people.

*Do they have a name for themselves? I know the 9/11 people are "9/11 Truthers", but do the lunar landing guys have something like that?

That Disney Movie Made Us Think Pirates Were the Good Guys

When the Somali pirates started to actually become a genuine threat, a lot of really awful people such as myself complained that these weren't REAL pirates, and were therefore lame and not worth the trouble. See, when we hear "pirate", we want to see ridiculous beards and swordfighting and drunkenly steering ships and eyepatches and TREASURE. And I think the reason for this is that pirates are one of the few historical groups that pop culture has actually portrayed pretty accurately (giant flying demon ghost ship notwithstanding). So when we heard that the world was going to have PIRATES again, REAL pirates, not the "illegally downloading Pink Floyd" kind of pirates, we got excited. Then when we found out they were basically just like all the African criminals we hear about, but on a boat, we were pretty disappointed. Again, because we're awful people.

But the pirates aren't the real problem, are they? No, it's the people they're trying to steal from. Sure, back in the day pirates fought the Navy from time to time, but we all know their real targets were rich white people. And sure, they're still attacking rich white people, but it just isn't the same anymore. Nobody sails through the Atlantic with a giant wooden box full of gold anymore. For good reason, obviously, but it sure makes things less interesting.

I think we miss pirates for the same reason we miss the Cold War or World War II, but on a smaller scale. We need a big enemy to fight, or else we just end up beating up people who don't even stand a chance because we love fighting so much. Sure, we had a fight with those pirates, but it just isn't the same.

I Like When People Call It "The Clicker"

It seems like no matter how far technology advances, remote controls are just going to continue to suck forever. In a world where we have video game controllers that can somehow work from across the house, why are we still using remote controls that have a range of about six inches and have to be pointing at the exact spot on the TV or cable box or magical DVR thing to work? I'm perfectly aware that this is basically the biggest "lazy American" thing to complain about behind "My cellphone is all the way over THERE?", but it just seems like something we'd have by this point.

Then again, that's probably one of the most boring predictions for the future ever. "Yes my friend, by 2050, we shall have remote controls that actually work properly!" Maybe instead of wasting their time developing those stupid 3D TVs, they could try building a remote control that doesn't suck. I mean, we have the technology to REWIND TV now. If you're stupid and don't think about it too hard, DVRs are essentially TIME MACHINES. So apparently all our other TV technology started becoming super awesome, and everyone just sort of forgot to ever upgrade the remotes besides putting pause buttons on them.

This is only semi-related, but is it just me, or is there always at least one remote in your house that seems to serve no purpose at all? You know, the little black one that appears to have DVD controls and TV controls on it, and doesn't seem to actually do anything. If this were a cartoon of some kind, I bet that remote would have magic powers. Probably take you on some sort of wacky adventure where you learn the true meaning of friendship.

...Hang on, I need to go try something.