Watching You

Did you know that Big Brother is the worst thing ever created by human beings? It's true, I checked. Now, I've always been one to point out that reality TV is stupid. But see, you don't need me to tell you that. I figure that if you're intelligent enough to be able to...I dunno, read, you've probably figured out that reality TV is a waste of time. Every comedian and/or smartass on the Internet can tell you that. It isn't really news to anyone. So if I knew that, how did I come across Big Brother? Because my father has awful taste in television.

Now, I have absolutely no idea how you "win" Big Brother. I do not know what the goal of the show is, or why so many people are so into accomplishing it. All I know is that whatever it is, it involves two very important skills: shouting, and being a douchebag. If you can someone do these things at the same time, well that's all for the better then. See, because I didn't so much watch Big Brother as I did regard it from across the room with disgust. I was able to gather that there was some guy named Tony, and some chick was pissed off at him because...he betrayed her. In the game of Big Brother, apparently. So basically, it's like Survivor without the island. Or the people eating bugs. And the contestants are even more unlikeable, which is a pretty astonishing accomplishment. Also, I have stated previously that Survivor is boring as hell, so you can pretty much guess how things were going.

Also, this show has apparently been running for like ten years. Who the hell is watching this religiously? I'm not going to say that you're stupid for doing that, I just don't GET it. Maybe it's like watching a trainwreck, or a carpet bombing or something. Although that HAS to get old after awhile.

Staring At the Sky

I'm surprised we don't here about more astronomers going completely insane. You'd think that after a certain amount of time gazing into the infinite expanse of the universe and experiencing a feeling of unbelievable insignificance and fragility, you'd eventually just decide that life is completely illogical and pointless, and then your brain would explode. Because that's how psychiatry works. I mean, I get a bit uneasy just looking up at the sky at night. Can you imagine if that was your JOB? And not only that, but everyone expected you to be trying to figure out what's going on with the universe? I'm sure a lot of astronomers start out with it because they find space fascinating, which makes sense, because space is the best thing in the world, and then it slowly gets more and more horrifying the longer they study. That sounds like fun.

Really, the idea of a universe that is infinite is something that I think the human brain isn't really capable of grasping. Maybe we haven't sufficiently evolved enough to have brains that are intelligent enough to really understand everything that it implies. It is not really possible to be able to envision a limitless space. An endless expanse, where there is no limit to how many worlds there are. The stars are limitless. The galaxies are limitless. There is no "edge of the universe". It goes on forever. I am reasonably certain that that is impossible. And also utterly terrifying.

It also demonstrates that anyone who thinks that we are the only planet with intelligent life in the universe should be laughed out of every room they ever enter. That is absurd. I don't have all the answers. In fact, I have practically none. But there is just no way that this is all we're going to get. Because come on guys, how much of a freaking let-down would that be?

Drink Gatorade, Become God

I like how aggressive the sports drink companies are. You know, with their commercials that don't say, but heavily imply that their sugar-flavored purple water allows you to become the earthly manifestation of Christ. Or at least, you know, Michael Jordan. Of course, they don't actually do any of those things. Mostly they just make you think that you're drinking cough syrup without the mind-blowing high. The thing is, there are like five or six different types of "electrolyte" drinks, the foremost being Gatorade and Powerade,* and they all taste exactly the same. Including the different flavors. I know this, because I was addicted to them during middle school, and I tried pretty much all of them. Also, if you mix enough of them together until the mixture turns brown, it eventually starts to taste like hatred.

It's actually amazing how most drink companies have commercials that imply that they will turn you into Superman. Most companies that sell confectionaries are content to tell you that their food doesn't taste like motor oil, but drink companies like telling you that you will either become amazing at everything, or that it will improve your life in ways you could not possibly imagine. Beer commercials are the obvious target here, but I'm really disturbed by the Coca-Cola ones. At least most beer commercials just sort of come up with as many ways to say "This will make you drunk without tasting like cow blood, also women will have sex with you", Coca-Cola decided that they wanted to imply that this soda WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER. Which a lot of commercials do, but they're just so darn enthusiastic about. Remember kids, soft drinks are the key to success.

*Seriously, how the hell did they get away with that one? That'd be like if some company came along and made a soda called "Cora-Cola".

Seriously Guys We Get 5.8s Like Every Other Week

Okay, I just want to talk about this before it becomes extremely old news and nobody cares about it anymore. I know I don't usually do "topical" stuff, mostly due to the fact that I don't care enough to bother, but this sort of thing seems more in-line with what I usually talk about anyway, so I figured I might as well.

I would really appreciate it if everyone would kindly shut the hell up about the goddamn earthquake. Now, the reasons most people from California are complaining about that is because they think all the East Coasters are being total wusses about it, because it was seriously not a big deal. And yes, while that is almost certainly true (you big babies), an earthquake happening where earthquakes don't normally happen is certainly an interesting story. However it is NOT "two goddamn days worth of news" interesting, or however long it's been since they started talking about this. And the news will probably continue until at least like, next week. And oh my God I don't care can we talk about something else now.

Now, this would continue to be an interesting story if anything got blown up, or a building fell on top of someone's mom, or if like a hundred people died. Then there would be something depressing for all of us to focus on, to distract ourselves from all the depressing things that are happening to us. But that didn't happen, and yet they're still sending reporters over to the East Coast to stand in the middle of the street and go "Look guys there is a little crack here could this be EARTHQUAKE DAMAGE?" I bet all those plane rides are pretty expensive. We could probably be spending that sort of money on things that actually matter, but oh well.

Or maybe it's been like this because NOTHING HAPPENED THIS WEEK. But that's kind of sorta not really the case, with all the rebellion stuff and whatnot. But I guess white people being moderately inconvenienced is interesting too.

Cyber Horseplay

So here's something random that's been bugging me lately*: I don't think it's okay for schools to be able to punish kids for what they do on the Internet. You know what I'm talking about. Some kid calls some other kid a "fag" on Facebook, and the school comes in and suspends him. That'd be like if the dean came over to your house and grounded you for swearing. It just doesn't seem right to me at all that the school now apparently has jurisdiction over everything you do, even when you're not at school. Sure, using this so-called "cyber bullying"** as evidence that some kid has the motivation to beat the living hell out of another kid is all fine and good, but punishing someone just for their online actions? That isn't the school's job.

Well actually, I think they just SAY that they're going to do that. As far as I know, it isn't actually legal. Which would make sense, but making sense has never been the school system's top priority (see: well, anything really). So really, they could just be making it up. I have no idea, but they don't really care about that, do they? They just want me to THINK that they have that kind of power. Because they hate freedom of speech, see? And they all want to make us into mindless blah blah blah communist manifesto oh my god I don't care.

The REAL truth is, I don't know how much of anything is true about anything. There are a stupid amount of arbitrary rules in the world of education, and I'm so baffled by most of it that it's hard to even talk about it. Maybe the administration is made up of paranoid schizophrenics, or maybe they're well-meaning, but woefully out of touch. I don't know or really have the energy to care anymore. But my first point still stands, either way. Leave my Internet alone please.

*I really ought to just begin every post this way. It would save so much time.
**Seriously, we're still using this term? I thought the word "cyber" got left behind some time in the earl nineties, only being revived any time someone needs a name for a robot-themed level in a video game.

Boo, and All That

I don't believe in ghosts. However, I do believe that the world could benefit from having more haunted places. And none of that sissy crap where the furniture occasionally moves a couple inches to the left during the night or the sauce pans rattle menacingly whenever you accidentally disturb the fragile balance of the universe. All that stuff can usually just be attributed to mischievous pixies, and as long as we're in fairytale land, we might as well go with the cool mythological creatures. I want giant houses with evil specters floating around and totally ruining everything. You know, popping out of closets, possessing people, possibly obtaining one of four elemental powers and using them to battle you in the first boss room. That sort of stuff. I wouldn't want to live there, but imagine all the awesome bets we could make with that sort of material. I just got to figure out how exactly I'm supposed to make ghosts. Give me a couple minutes with some unsuspecting victims and some Satanic implements, I bet I could figure it out.

Stage two of my master plan to make the world considerably more awesome involves sending a group of scientists in to try to catch the ghosts. I'm not sure if my fantasy universe ghosts are intangible or not, so I guess the scientists should be provided with some kind of energy weapon. I don't know, science is complicated. Then we have them film the whole expedition, and at that point, it really doesn't matter whether or not they fail, because we totally just proved that there's an afterlife. I expect mass suicides for people who want to haunt their ex-girlfriends. If I die and find out that I've become a ghost, I'm totally going to start terrorizing the homes of people I didn't like. And telling them that it's their fault.

I haven't actually come up with a stage three, but I'm probably going to try to find a way to communicate with the dead. Then I'll revive all of the Beatles and have them perform a concert, while somehow also saving Christmas. Because let's be honest here, it really isn't Christmas without the tortured spirits of dead rock stars.

I'm Not Going To Make A Pun About Money

I wonder if inflation is going to outrun the general increase of gas prices. See, because I've always liked those sci-fi stories that have a future where inflation has just become completely ridiculous. And you know, it's probably pretty accurate. Unless of course the American dollar just becomes completely obsolete. If there is some day in the future where we're all carrying around $100 bills, shopping will eventually become ridiculous. "You want to buy this TV? That'll be $20 million." We'll have to come up with a new unit of currency. Take a page from the British, they have like five over there.

There's sort of a macabre joy in rising gas prices. A black comedy, if you will, of seeing how awful things can get. Things are better than they were a couple years ago, of course, but you should never rule out ridiculous catastrophes occurring. Like maybe the US will decide that Middle Eastern oil is for communists, so we'll only use American oil. That would be pretty reasonable.

You often hear people who have enough spare time on their hands to call themselves "futurists" say that one day money will become completely digital. That's because these people are stupid, or don't have children. Because I would not trust a small child with a credit card, would you? Of course not. Well actually, there are people who give their small children credit cards, but they're either also stupid or rich enough to afford losing it. I don't want to say I hate rich people, because that's rude and discriminatory. I wish they would just stop making it so easy.