Boring Size

If things keep continuing in the direction they've been going for tha past few years, in about a decade, Halloween candy bars will be about the same size as ants. You notice that? They keep making those "fun size" bars smaller and smaller. Probably so they can sell just as many bags of them while putting in a lot less of the actual candy. At this point, like half of the net weight is just in wrappers anyway, more so if it's a 3 Musketeers bar, since those things are like 90% air. This would be more of a problem if chocolate weren't so delicious, but unfortunately, we are bound by the cacao bean's delectable chains.

You know, they shouldn't call the little tiny candy bars "fun size". They should make chocolate bars the size of 2x4s. THOSE would be fun size. Especially if you ate the whole thing all at once by yourself, and you had to spend the next nine days puking the rest of it back up into a pail. I think that would be a lot of fun. Certainly more than eating the entire fun size of it in one bite. Or less, really. You can swallow those things whole at this point.

Actually, once you get them out of the wrapper, those tiny candy bars are virtually indistinguishable from those fancy truffles you get in the boxes at expensive candy store. Until you taste them and find out they aren't nearly as well made, but that's what you paid for I suppose.* Seriously, the damn things aren't even rectangular anymore. They're square now. Do your part. Either hand out entire candy bars tonigt, or give every kid like ten of the bastards.

*Not that paying three bucks for one piece of chocolate is reasonable either, but I suppose they'll charge whatever they damn well please if people are going to keep paying for it.

The Perfect Body

I think we need to start objectifying men more. You know, because we have all these magazines and such photoshopping women's bodies to be insanely sexualized. I say it's high time we start making it just as bad for men. Because as we all know, the best way to deal with a sexism issue is to make things equally awful for both sexes. That way, we're all equal. It's the communism of gender politics.

Unfortunately, there isn't really any stereotypical "sexy" body for men like the horrifically disturbing one we've created for women. From my research, and by that I mean having some female friends who have mentioned it on occasion, some women like muscley guys, and others find them repulsive. Unlike with men, where seeing a muscled girl makes them feel intimfated and make excuses.* So I say let's just change allthe preconceived notions and just say that what's sexy in a woman should be equally sexy in a man. Flat stomachs, narrow hips, hair, and of course, large breasts. Get to it horrible magazine photoshoppers.

Then we'll have a bunch of teenage boys feeling insecure because THEY don't have boobs, which will result in several lines of the most hilarious diet ads of all time. Come on guys, it's only fair. Teenage girls have to put up with that crap, I think the boys should too. It's only fair.

*You know you've done this. "Oh, she must have really good genes." Because God forbid a woman have a muscular build because of her OWN hard work. It had to have been her dad.

Happy HalLOL SIKE

Alright, let's just get this one out of the way right now.

So I've mentioned before how I think that it's stupid that we say that we're "observing" holidays on the Mondays after them, just so we can have the day off. So I ask you, WHY DON'T WE DO THAT FOR HALLOWEEN DAMMIT? Or, I guess the day after Halloween, that'd be fine too. Or hell, how about just both of them? Come on guys, Halloween's on a goddamn Monday this year? On a scale of one to unbelievably lame, that's like a thirty-seven. So how about we "observe" Halloween on a Saturday, so we can actually go out and do stuff that night without having to worry about sleep? That'd be cool, right? Can we all agree to that? Fine then. When you're sixty, and your kids ask what you did on Halloween when you were younger, so as to offer them some reprise from all the skin melting off their faces,* you can tell them you did NOTHING because you were LAME and didn't want to party on the 29th. And then they'll murder you. Or something. I don't know, children are strange.

Okay, how about we just party all weekend to make up for it? No reason, just straight, government-enforced, non-stop partying until Monday. That'd be fun, right? And then no one would have to show up to their obligations THEN either, cuz they're bosses would be hungover too. And then we'll just kinda slowly let reality sink back in after a few days. Give it some time. Maybe then everyone could chill out in between all the election coverage.

*I'm just going to assume that in the future, face melting will be a major issue. Maybe hair metal makes a comeback or something, I don't know.

Stereotypes Are So Stereotypical

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is all well and good, but I think it's time we set up some more specific ones, and maybe simplifying it a bit. The Male Hierarchy of Needs, if you will. Personally, I think we could narrow it down to the four most important categories: Food, Girls, Sleep, and Video Games. See, because a strong regiment of these four things can solve pretty much any problem you could possibly have. Starving? Food. Well, good food. You know, steak, potatoes, deep-fried boar testicles, all that good stuff. Horny? Girls. And I guess if you're particularly repulsive, you could replace it with "Masturbation". Not companionship, because real men do not feel loneliness, or in fact any emotions at all. Tempted to commit homicide? Just sleep it off man. Sleeping solves pretty much every problem. Even venereal diseases. I know this because I am a doctor. And video games can do whatever you need them to do. They're probably the most important thing on the list.

Okay, so here's the thing. Continuing on with this bit, I'd have to make a "Female Hierarchy of Needs", right? And then I would make a whole bunch of sexist jokes like a hack stand-up comic. And it would be unbelievably offensive. I like that. I like that we, as a society, have agreed that you can say as many awful things about a group that you already belong to as you want, you just can't say it about other people. It's what allows white people to make fun of white people, which is perfectly alright, because white people kind of suck anyway. See? I can do it too.

Although lately, it seems to be "White people can't make race jokes at all, minorities can", which makes some amount of sense,  I suppose, but seems a little backwards. Not that it matters, because it's a lot better than the alternative. Which would be offending EVERYBODY. That has it's charms sometimes though.

Out-Bother

It's fun to ruin pleasantries. The next time someone asks you how you're doing, be as honest as you possibly can. Or make something up, depending on how good your life is going at the time. You know, because when people ask how you're doing, they don't REALLY care about how you're doing. They're just asking because that's just what you're supposed to do. If you don't, you look like a jackass.

"Hey man, how's it goin'?"
"Terrible."
"Oh that's good, I-Wait, what?"
"I said it's going terrible."
"Uh...why?"
"Well, I've been having a lot of trouble with my bowel movements lately..."

And then keep talking until they want to leave. This works especially well for those people you don't like that insist on hanging out with you. I find it's best to craft elaborate stories about run-ins with prostitutes. Have fun with it, but make sure it's disgusting enough that they don't want to hang around and see how it ends. If they do, stare at them for awhile, then tell them that you'll do the same to them. If that doesn't work, take off your pants. If THAT doesn't work, call the cops.

You know, I say these things like I'm suggesting you do them because they worked for me, but if that were true, I wouldn't have so many obnoxious people in my life. The annoying triumph over the assholes once again.

Bang, Bangs

I wonder how many guys out there spend a really long time with long hair, and decide that it's time to look more respectable, so they buzz all of it off, and it's been so long that they forgot that they have one of those weird, bumpy heads? I bet that happens all the time. You know, because the top of my head feels like downtown San Francisco, so I could never get a buzz cut. But when you have a LOT of hair, you can't FEEL the top of your head, so you wouldn't know. Then you'd look like even more of a fool, first because you got a buzz cut* and second because you got a funny-lookin' head. It'll be even worse if you got some of those big blue veins on your head. Basically, if you're a pale guy, for the love of crap, don't get a buzz cut. It's too risky.

Who was it that decided that women should be the ones with long hair, and men should be the ones with short hair. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, because it's awesome that way, but it seems pretty arbitrary to me. It's also interesting how if a woman cuts her hair short,** she's a lesbian, but if a man grows his hair out, he's a hippie. Apparently, swimming on the opposite end of the hair spectrum only goes in one direction. Well, usually. Occasionally, guys with long hair get called "fags", but that's mostly in the South, and they call everyone fags there. Even the women.

My problem is that I'm a 0 on the Kinsey Scale, so I have no idea whether men look good or not. Unfortunately, this also applies to myself, so I really have no idea what I'm doing. Which is why I look like crap all the time.

*About 2% of the white male population can rock a buzzcut, and most of them are Irish. Everyone else looks like they got their heads caught in a piece of farm equipment.
**I'm also firmly of the belief that there are very few women who look good with short hair. But I suppose my opinion is completely pointless in that matter.

Hat and a Walking Stick

I wish jazz was still a popular form of music. And not just for "modern music sucks we should go back to the way things were decades ago baaaawww" reasons. And not that crappy modern jazz either. I'm not even going to bother making jokes about that, because I am reasonably certain that every possible joke that could be made about Kenny G has already been made. I'm talking about big band and swing, for the express purpose of THEY HAD THE MOST BADASS DANCES EVER. Seriously, check that mess out sometime. Hip-hop dancing, breakdancing in particular, can be cool in it's own way, but nothing beats a whole bunch of crazy bastards swing dancing to Benny Goodman. Those dances were awesome.

Furthermore, coolest outfits. Come on man, suits and fedoras and umbrellas and goddamn that is so much cooler than a pair of Vans. You could say a lot of things about the 30s. You could talk about the racism, and the Depression, and how pretty much all of their morals were horribly, horribly backward by our modern standards, but I think there is one thing you cannot deny: They had the classiest fashion sense in the world. I sort of like how the idea of really fancy-looking clothes being badass instead of lame is starting to make a comeback, because it's so much cooler.

But this sort of thing is sort of pointless to discuss. Popular music comes and goes, and twenty years from now, we'll have something new to complain about. The past few decades had some great popular music. This one and the previous one? Not a whole lot. So I'm going to wait it out. There'll probably be a grunge to modern hip-hop's hair metal some day soon.