They're People Too

I think it's pretty cool how you can make your country environmentally-friendly just by making stuff green. Since green has become the standard color for "this probably won't suck all the air out of the atmosphere and give you twelve different kinds of cancer", people just sort of assume that anything that's green is good for the environment. And that's awesome, because it means you can convince people that your smog-spewing mega-corporation is totally opposed to lighting trees on fire without actually having to not light trees on fire. That's pretty convenient.

GE totally pulled this. Changed their logo from blue to green. Didn't actually do anything, just changed it to green. Apparently, this was to show their new environmentally-friendly direction. And they just kept on doing what they were always doing. That seems reasonable. And hey, if things keep going in the same direction they have been lately, corporations will be able to get citizenship, and then we'll be able to get our asses sued off for slander against a poor citizen. IS MY SARCASM THICK ENOUGH RIGHT NOW I HOPE SO.

Actually, I really do look forward to the day when a corporation runs for president, because I think that's the day when we should all be able to decide to just tear all our rules and governments down and start over, because things have gotten out of hand. Bam, new Constitution.

She Was Dressed Very Provocatively

I find it fascinating that Herman Cain is still attempting to run for president.* It's like he doesn't even realize the fact that everyone hates him. I mean, everyone hates Richard Nixon, and he had a scandal going on DURING his presidency. Not only has Cain not even been ELECTED, he hasn't even been nominated, and he already has a scandal going on. Point for point, he's way ahead of everybody else in the "coming off as a total scum bag" department. And I guess that's admirable, from an incredibly stupid point of view.

The thing is, all the Republican candidates are incredibly embarrassing and have no right to be the president, but here we have a man who SEXUALLY ASSAULTED at least four people and then paid them off so he wouldn't get arrested for it. And HE STILL THINKS HE'S GONNA BE THE PRESIDENT. Let's step back for a minute and just MARVEL at that. That's absolutely incredibly to me. In a way, it's impressive. Think about the amount of willful ignorance it would require to convince yourself that people were still going to vote for your ass after you pulled something like that. It's almost wonderful in it's stupidity.

Hopefully, he'll drop out in the next couple of weeks, and then...actually, I'm not sure what happens after that. Obama gets another four years, I'd imagine.

*Oh God you guys it's getting current events-y in here again, watch out.

Do Whatever I Want With MY Car

I wonder how many of these people who seem to take pride in showing a blatant disregard for traffic laws are really just anarchists who are really, really bad at sticking it to the man. You know, like they're trying to show society that THEY don't play by the rules, and THEY don't respect other people's safety just because some lame SIGN told them to. Let's face it guys, traffic laws are pretty much the only sort of laws that you should probably just not question and go along with. You know why? Because there's pretty much no such thing as a victimless crime when you're in a car. You're in an enormous metal box on wheels. You're not cool, you're pointlessly endangering other people's lives. You tool.

Now, we can all agree that anarchy is stupid right? "Yeah, we don't need no laws, I'll just take care of myself!" Okay boss, while you're over there taking care of yourself, I'll be stealing all of your stuff. That'll go over real well. And I don't think these people really consider what a pain in the ass it would be to get anywhere if there weren't any laws. I mean, you gotta have some rules about driving, right? Otherwise some guy could just drive on the sidewalk and mow down some kids, and NOW all of a sudden he's ahead of you. What a jerk. There should be a law against OH NO WAIT THERE AREN'T ANY LAWS YOU GET TO PISS OFF.

Laws are kinda like taxes guys. It sucks that you have to have them, but it'd be a lot worse if you didn't.

This Is the Worst Thing I've Ever Written

I bet I could get people to start eating their own poop if I convinced them that it would help them lose weight. Because as far as I can tell, people will do just about anything if you tell them that it'll make them less fat. I mean, they're already shoving their fingers down their throats to make themselves puked, which is so thoroughly disturbing and wrong that they might as WELL be eating poop. Just a small step man. If you got over the taste of vomit in your mouth every day, you can get over the taste of poop. Believe to achieve.

And of course, they really WOULD lose weight. Mostly do to complete and utter malnutrition, but it would happen. After their body absorbs all the nutrients and the waste is deposited, they can utterly fail in their attempts to absorb it again. Hell, double it and make it like the Grapefruit Diet. Eat nothing but grapefruit, then eat nothing but the processed remains of grapefruit. Boom. Sexy bikini body. For one week, before you drop dead from the lack of iron. And protein. And pretty much everything else. You know you want to.

And just think about all the problems it would solve! Okay, so it's really only two. First, we could curb the population a bit. Well, before the lawsuits start pouring in, but I bet I could win that case if I got a really good lawyer. Clever advertising and some manipulation of facts could mean I NEVER LIED. Second, we could curb the stupid population a bit. You fell for the "eat your own poop" theory? Well, you're dead now. Everything just got a whole lot roomier.

Insect Abuse

I'm really excited for when the really hardcore (read: stupid)* animal rights people start protesting the abuse of insects. That seems only fair, right? And think about all they places they could go with that! I mean, we kill millions of the little bastards every day, sometimes without even knowing it. There's a reasonably-sized industry focused entirely on buying and selling crickets to feed to pet lizards. Really the possibilities are endless. Stop insect abuse!

But hey, why stop with insects? Surely we could get indignant about the abuse of bacteria or viruses. Well, viruses aren't really technically alive, but that shouldn't matter. They have feelings too. And just because bacteria don't have brains doesn't mean your hand sanitizer doesn't make them cry you know. They're people, just like us. They have dreams and children and we're destroying them. Truly we are the real monsters.

Of course, none of this will really happen. And do you know why? Because they aren't cute. And animal rights activists aren't concerned with helping animals that aren't cute. That's why we get to eat fish without and screeching, but not whales. Fish aren't cute. They got freaky eyes and don't have lungs. Whales have lungs.

*Yes, I am pro-animal rights. No, I am not pro-PETA. Because they're dickheads.

AKA White People Problems

So I'm pretty sure confiscation is a bunch of crap.* Maybe it's just my massive emotional issues in regards to the concept of authority, but I am reasonably certain that teachers should not be allowed to take your stuff. Sure, they give it back, eventually. Sometimes if you wait a week. But guess what? That doesn't really make a difference. To use a completely absurd and not even reasonably apt comparison, if you embezzled a million dollars from the bank, and then said you shouldn't go to jail because you were going to give it back...well, you might be able to plead insanity,** but the point is, you'd still get arrested.

Because yeah, taking some kids phone because they were using it during class and then keeping it for five days? Yeah dude, that's stealing. I don't care what the principal says, that's stealing. Not that it matters, since being a student basically means you don't get to have rights. That's fascinating to me. And yet they still expect high school students to act like adults. Awesome.

And that's why no college professor is going to confiscate your iPod because you were using it during class. Because they have more important things to do. You know, like actually teaching the kids who want to be there. That'd be fun.

*This was in no way inspired by real-life events. No sir. I still have my iPod, that's for certain.
**This should probably be it's own sort of thing, but I'm just amazed by the fact that this is something you can occasionally get away with. "Nah dawg, I'm crazy. I don't even know what laws are. I'm going home now."

They're Like Cats Only Totally Different

I'm not sure if I'm entirely on board with the people that think dogs are really just incredibly intelligent and beyond us. Sure, dogs are certainly smart, but I don't think it's in the way that a lot of people think. No dogs are smart because they have everything figured out, as far as I'm concerned. They might not fully understand everything that happens to them, but they have life figured out. How do I know that? Because I've never seen a dog worried about paper work, and I've never seen a dog punch a wall because a computer broke. That may have more to do with the fact that they don't have hands, but that's beside the point. Dogs don't have jobs. A dog with good owners gets to sleep and chew on stuff all day. And they don't work. Okay, some of them do, but they don't even know they're doing jobs. They think they're just chasing sheep, or in the case of seeing eye dogs, GOING ON WALKS ALL THE TIME. Dogs have it figured out man.

That's why I think all those dog show people are awful and stuff. I mean besides all the crap they actually put the dogs through (forced in-breeding and all those other things that would get you executed if you were doing it to people), it seems fundamentally wrong to me to clean up a dog and make it all proper. Because dogs are, inherently, free-spirited and completely insane, and that's beautiful in it's own ridiculous way. And when you put bows on them and have judges inspect their ear wax, you're destroying that. That sucks man.

I'm still waiting for a day when the huge worldwide dog show that I'm too tired to remember the name of is completely ruined because all the dogs got all riled up and start running around and breaking stuff. Although unfortunately, I probably won't be watching at the time.