It's Smacking Someone In The Face

Why do people always ask what the sound of one hand clapping is? I know, I know, it's an ancient Zen riddle, but it never made any sense to me. I get the "tree falling in the forest with no one around" one. That's kind of an interesting idea. It's something to think about. How can we really know? Do we believe what science tells us? Are the vibrations that make the sound a sound in itself, or does it have to be heard to be considered one?* But the "one hand clapping" thing? That just seems incredibly stupid to me. There is no sound. It's one hand!

What exact kind of motion are they referring to? Is it like clenching your hand, tapping your fingers against your palm? Or is it even more stupid, and it's just a hand flailing around in the air like the owner has some kind of horrible disease that it wouldn't be funny to make jokes about? What are they talking about when they ask this question? Nobody I've ever talked to seems to know.

Maybe it's just taking your hand and hitting something else that isn't your other hand. That would be one hand clapping I guess. Would smacking your hand against your arm be one hand clapping? That seems like the only way for it to even approach any kind of sense in the broad realms of basic logic. Maybe you have to just swing your hand so hard that it collides with the air. Is that possible? I'm sure we've built things that move that fast by now. And if we haven't we will soon.

*For the record, I firmly believe that it does make a sound.

Back On My Side

Has anybody else noticed how stupidly foreign language education is handled in the school system? I'm not saying that teaching foreign languages is a bad thing. I think that's a great thing for anyone to learn. But there are just an amazing amount of flaws in the way that it's taught.

When you learn your first language, what did you learn how to do first, talk or read/write? Talking, obviously. So why the hell do schools put so much emphasis on learning how to spell the words correctly and reading? I can sort of see where they're coming from. I mean after all, if you travel to a foreign country, you're going to want to be able to read the signs, but shouldn't that come after learning how to communicate with your fellow man? Isn't that the whole point, to build cultural bonds and all that other bullcrap?

And why the focus on grammar? Why do we learn the grammar AS we learn the language? Is knowing what exactly the sentence structure is CALLED really going to help me speak the language? No, not really. Shouldn't I learn how to say things first before I prepare to write a damn essay? That would seem to make sense to me.

Not to mention the fact that, in general, this is just a terrible way to learn a language. Taking tests on it and everything, I mean. That's just awful. That just makes you HATE the language. It's seen as WORK. Doesn't anyone else see anything horribly wrong with this?

Oh wait, I'm a student. I'm not allowed to have a real opinion.

Taking the Opposite Side

You know, normally I'm the one to rally against school or teacher policies, but there's one thing that I've never understood why kids keep fighting for. Why exactly do high school students think they should be allowed to use Wikipedia as a source for research papers? Are they drunk or something?* They keep arguing how it's just the old teachers being afraid of modern technology, but if you think about it for more than two seconds, it actually makes a lot of sense.

It's not about whether or not Wikipedia is accurate. Aside from the occasional troll, it almost always is as truthful as it can be. It's because Wikipedia is constantly changing. You can't cite it as a source because by the time the source is checked, the page could say something completely different, and your quote is immediately rendered incorrect, or at least inaccurate.

It basically boils down to teenagers just being lazy. We want to be able to use Wikipedia because it's easy. And you know what? I get that. I get that almost all of the work you do for school is complete useless crap. But if you're going to play the BS game, you got to play by the BS rules, and that means doing it right and pretending you're actually writing a serious, legitimate, professional essay. Y'know, because there are so many articles published on the Civil War these days, containing nothing but information people already had.

Yeah, it's still stupid.

*Probably.

Milking the People

If we need calcium to survive, how did proto-humans live long enough to reproduce? I mean, doctors tell us all the time that we need to eat/drink enough dairy to keep our bones from disintegrating. If that's true, how did we survive back when we weren't milking cows and only getting milk as babies? Does anybody know how this works?

Maybe it just makes us die sooner, but we live long enough so that we can procreate. After all, human life expectancy increased dramatically once we invented science. I can see that sort of working out, but wouldn't that make us pretty much useless as a species. Like, if we don't get something that we would think we don't anymore once we turn two, then we die horribly from Osteoporosis? Wouldn't that make us terribly inefficient? Do other animals have this problem as well, but just don't bitch about it as much? And if that is the case, who the hell figured this out? Who was the man who thought it would be a good idea to milk a cow? Was he on drugs or something?

Maybe human beings just suck now, and we can't survive without it because we've become addicted to milk as a species*. Seriously, am I the only one who wonders about this kind of stuff?**

*May not be actual science.
**Probably.

Murder Simulators Part 2

How the hell do military shooters even exist? I'm not talking about the ones where they just completely make up a war, like Modern Warfare 2, I'm talking about the ones that actually take place during a real war that happened. Isn't it a little bit disrespectful to entertain yourself by pretending to be someone who actually fought in a war? And I'm not even one of those uber-patriotic types with a lot of respect for America and everything, I just think this is sort of weird.

I mean, World War II only happened around eighty years ago, right? I'm pretty sure there are still some veterans that are still alive, unless I'm mistaken. So that's pretty messed up, isn't it? I think it is. So why is it that people won't shut the hell about Grand Theft Auto and all that crap, but nobody ever complains about military shooters? Maybe they do, but it's not nearly as bad.

I'm just waiting for the day when somebody makes a Vietnam game*. There will be hell to pay, and it is going to be SO MUCH FUN to watch. I bet we don't get it until at least thirty years from now, when most of the Vietnam veterans will be too dead or senile to care**.

*Love hatemail.
**LOOOVE hatemail.

The Blog Post Is Sad

I've never really understood why some people write emo poetry and cut themselves when they're depressed. I mean, doesn't that just make you feel a lot worse? I don't know, but logic seems to dictate that it would. Then again, even rational people will still act like pricks for awhile when they're in crappy moods. Why do we do that? It seems completely unreasonable, but I do it too.

I mean, it almost seems like we want to feel unhappy. Like we punish ourselves if we're not in a bad mood all day. Lord knows I do that. Have you ever woken up, feeling pretty much fine, and then you remember that you're supposed to be feeling like crap because yesterday totally sucked? Couldn't you just keep that mood? It's even worse when what happened will have no effect on the rest of your day, but you still have feel bad about it, because it just seems wrong not to.

Of course, one of the most depressing things in the world is being surrounded by happy people while you're depressed. Doesn't that always seem to be the way? Like, something would always go wrong for you on like, School Carnival Day. Didn't that always just suck? That happens to me a lot. I think it's the PCG trying to stop me from crying like a little bitch.

OR MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY

Very Cold In Here

So there's going to be another Ice Age eventually, right? I've heard that, and if the internet says it, it's automatically true, so I'm forced to believe that it is fact. So if that happens, what exactly are we going to do? Like, does the government have any sort of plan or something? You'd think that we probably should.

I mean, it's not like this is a bunch of weirdos crying for the government to make sure we have an action plan for when the zombies, this is something that actual scientists have actually said will happen. Do we actually know when it's going to happen? I'm not sure if we do, but I think we should be prepared anyway. And don't say that it's going to happen hundreds of years from now. Last time we didn't plan ahead, thinking we'd cross that bridge when we came to it, Y2K happened. Obviously, the damages there were not nearly as bad as people thought they were going to be, but the glitch was still a huge pain-in-the-ass to fix. This is going to be like Y2K times a thousand.

And what does that mean for global warming? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying global warming is a complete hoax, but how will that coincide with the Ice Age.

Maybe we'll all be dead by then and it won't matter. Zombies or something

The Internet is for FIREWALLS

Why do school computer networks need internet censoring programs? Do they really think kids are going to be looking up porn while sitting in the computer lab? Somehow I doubt that's going to happen. There really isn't any way to be discreet about that sort of thing. And I'm pretty sure that's all kinds of illegal anyway.

 More importantly, these programs block sites on personal devices as well, meaning that if you're hooked up to a school Wi-Fi network, the thing is next to useless as far as internet goes. And isn't that kind of our own personal business? Shouldn't we be allowed to do whatever we want on our own phones/iPods/whatever the new shiny thing is this week?

Sure, it could be argued that since you're using THEIR network, you have to go by their rules. But that just brings us back to the question of what the point of having it at all. I mean, these blockers have been around far longer than personal devices that can use the internet, so what was originally the philosophy behind them. Hatred of fun, I imagine. Schools seem to have a thing for that.

"But wait," you shriek. "Couldn't somebody be using the internet for something else BESIDES porn?" Well apparently you know very little about the internet.

Three Year Bonus Part 2

Who exactly chose that the year that you become a legal adult should be eighteen? I mean, I realize that you can say that about pretty much anything in the world, but doesn't it seem really arbitrary to you? Like, why eighteen? Why not twenty? That's like, a rounder number, and it makes more sense.

Okay, so I see that they're hitting it from the "you're out of high school by that point" angle, but then shouldn't it be nineteen? Most people are still in high school when they turn eighteen. And that just ends up making it so that you have to come up with a whole bunch of loopholes and stuff like that to take rights away from eighteen-year-olds who are still in high school. Doesn't that seem unnecessarily complicate. Probably not. Well, it would if you were really easily distracted. Like a squirrel. Or a chipmunk. Sorry, I forgot where I was going with that.

Regardless, it seems like it's just another set of really weird standards. For example, who decided that you can get your permit when you're fifteen, but only after you've been fifteen for six months? Are those six months really going to make much of a difference. Somehow I doubt it. And the rules for how permits work in general are just insane. The way the limits are set up for whether or not you can drive non-family members and whether or not you have to have a parent in the car are pretty complicate. Or uncomplicated. I don't know, I was too distracted by the shiny objects.

Oh God, I know I'm going to have to explain this joke.

First United Church of the Pretty Cool God

When I say "I should start my own religion.", I imagine I'll get some weird looks. After all, we've pretty much run out of plausible-sounding universe-origins and stuff at this point, so any new idea is almost guaranteed to involve some crazy bull about aliens and inner spirits and crap like that. But I think I'm onto something here. The First United Church of the Pretty Cool God.

You see, the idea here will be that we'll all believe in a higher power that isn't a vengeful dick. The Pretty Cool God (PCG) does not turn away anyone. Homosexuals? Of course! The PCG has even suggested he might be bicurious! Female? The PCG is cool with you preaching. He's a pretty cool guy. Race that isn't white? No subtle racist overtones here, no sir! The PCG accepts anybody who just wants to have a good time.

Of course, he has rules. The PCG would really appreciate you not being a massive douchebag, and his churches will all include douchebag rehabilitation centers where you can learn that wearing your pants anywhere near your knees makes you look like a tool. The PCG is against violence in general, but understands that sometimes it is necessary to lay the smackdown when things get a bit too "jackassy". And if you ever even think about starting a war over religion, the PCG will punish you somehow. Probably involving screwdrivers.

FUCPCG will have a neutral position on the Jesus debate. If you want to believe he's the Messiah, the PCG is cool with that, but if that's not your thing, he's all right with you waiting for the first coming if you want. However, you must agree that Jesus, was indeed, also pretty cool and still deserves respect for being so.

Oh yeah, and if you ever attempt to force the PCG's rules into the government, you will be kicked out of FUCPCG. No questions asked.

The Fourth Sense

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be blind? No, I don't mean like that time where you decided to see if you could go a whole day with your eyes closed and ended up in the hospital with a tea kettle on your head and third-degree burns. I'm talking about what it would be like to have no concept of what sight is at all.

Did you ever think about that? Do you realize that people who are blind from birth HAVE to think only in words, because they have no idea what anything looks like? Nothing at all. Think about how difficult it would be to explain sight to someone who had no clue what it was? It would be impossible. As a fun way to see how hard this would be, find someone colorblind and try to explain how colors work. They'll think you're insane or something. Probably. I'm not colorblind.

And what about deaf people? Wouldn't that just be insane? How the hell do you explain*sound to a deaf person. Sound is confusing enough already. How exactly ears work is still incredibly baffling to me. So how would a deaf person be able to figure it out. That would probably make their heads explode.

Or what about explaining any one of the five senses to someone who was born without it, and never knew that everyone else didn't have the same problem. I have a feeling someday this is going to happen to me. Like, there's a sixth sense that everybody decided not to tell me about. I guess it lets you, I dunno, detect pancakes or something. That would be awesome.

*In this scenario, we are assuming that you are writing down your explanations on a piece of paper or something.

Regulated Part 3

Have you ever realized how incredibly ass-backwards it is that cigarettes and alcohol are perfectly legal, but marijuana isn't? That seems pretty messed up to me.

Now, I'm not advocating for the legalization of marijuana. Weed is (in most cases, it has been known to be a powerful brain stimulant in extremely rare cases) bad for you, no questions asked. However, cigarettes? Cigarettes are awful for you. Smoking cigarettes is like standing in a burning house filled with rat poison, cleaning solvents, and cat urine. And what about alcohol? Yeah, weed can mess you up, and getting into a car while stoned is a terrible idea, but it is at least as bad as alcohol, and alcohol can be much worse, especially when you get into hard liquor. And they serve it in restaurants! Maybe they should start serving weed in restaurants.

So once again, this is going to boil down into the "how about they just let us do whatever the hell we want?" argument. If they're going to let us stick a controlled chemical fire into our mouths, why stop there? It's just another stupid thing we can do. Hell, if we're going completely downhill, let's bring back over-the-counter cocaine. Wouldn't THAT be terrifying.

Feel free to point out that when they tried Prohibition before, it didn't work. I know that. I'm just pointing out a conflict of interest. Get out of my house.

Regulated Part 2

Why are there helmet laws? Why should people be forced to be safe? If we want to do something completely inadvisable and dangerous, isn't it our God-given right to do so? I think it should be.

Like, how can skydiving be legal, but not riding a bike without a helmet? It's jumping out of a freaking airplane! That's like a thousand times more dangerous! And you could EASILY regulate something like that. You could easily stop people from doing that! Outlaw parachutes! Simple! But no you can't do that. Riding a bike without helmet is far more dangerous. Once you start doing that, it's just a slippery slope to anarchy! What's next? JAYWALKING?

Come to think of it, why do they make you wear a helmet when you go skydiving? I mean, I know Seinfeld has already done a whole routine on that, but seriously, what is the deal here? Is it the same thing as bike helmets? Do we HAVE to do this? Does anyone know if there's a law about it? That would be great if there was. Who's came up with that? How could you possibly get through an entire proposal about that without laughing about the great joke you're playing.

"Yeah, I think we should make everyone start wearing helmets while they skydive!"
"Um....why exactly?"
"THEY COULD GET HURT"

Careful when you jump out of that plane. It might hurt.

Pink Stands For Being Pretentious

Have you ever seen someone wearing one of those pink ribbons? And the first couple of times or so, because you couldn't remember what they were for, you asked them about it? And what did they say? "I support breast cancer!" Didn't you just want to punch them in the jaw?

No, you don't "support" breast cancer. If you did support breast cancer, you would be a massive tool. You support the treatment of breast cancer. You support finding the cure for breast cancer. You do not support breast cancer. That would be stupid. And what makes breast cancer so special anyway? There are a lot of different types of cancer. Why would you want to support just one? Wouldn't it be better to work towards a cure for all cancer? "I support funds for scientists to research a cure for cancer". That sounds much better than supporting breast cancer.

And how much supporting have you done, really? I'm not talking about the people who do bike rides and raise money and crap. Those people are actually being productive. I'm talking about the jackass who bought one ribbon and did absolutely nothing else. Sure, the funds from everyone's funds certainly adds up, but you? By yourself? Hell no. You haven't done jack. One dollar is not "support". One dollar might be enough for the doctors to pay for their parking. For like an hour.

You wanna say you support finding a cure? Either raise some money or get a damn medical degree. You don't deserve the smug satisfaction you're getting.

Let's Kill All the Indians Day

 DISCLAIMER: There is a reasonable chance that I may get a few facts wrong in this post. Instead of pointing these mistakes out, kindly look inside yourself and try to figure out why you feel the need to correct irrelevant facts on the internet. Then smash yourself in the face repeatedly with a hammer and do it anyway.

Why do we celebrate Columbus Day? Columbus sucked. Columbus has always sucked. Your grade school teacher lied to you.

First of all, he didn't discover America. Why do we give him credit for that? The Vikings were here before he was, and if you subscribe to the theory that the "Native Americans", as Political Correctness Gone Mad would like you to call them, crossed over to Alaska from Russia, then they "discovered" America. All Columbus did was make the landmass a more widespread fact in Europe. Which turned out to be a really, really bad thing.

You know what's even worse? He didn't even land in what we would now call the United States. What the hell is he doing with his own Monday? He was a selfish bastard who killed a bunch of natives for no adequately explored reason. He was a massive douche! What did he do to deserve a holiday? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Screw Columbus. Why is there no Teddy Roosevelt Day? Teddy Roosevelt was much cooler than Columbus. I'd rather have a Teddy Roosevelt Day. And no, President's Day doesn't count. President's Day is very similar to Columbus Day in that it sucks.

The Universe Is Broken Part 2

How exactly would you go about building an airplane? I mean, I kind of understand how the Wright Brothers got started. Theirs was a relatively simple machine. But how exactly do you go from that to say, a 747 or a fighter jet? Yes, I realize there wasn't a linear progression between the two, but if somebody told you to build an airplane, where would you start?

Would you know what to do? I wouldn't. I'd slap some bricks together and tell them it was an abstract plane. That you had to see the plane inside yourself or something like that. Artists love that crap. And once again, what about computers? Would you be able to build a computer? And yes, I know some people build computers for themselves, but not from the ground-up. They get parts. Could you put together a circuit board? I couldn't.

Hell, would you even know how to make a light-bulb? That seems pretty complicated. I'm convinced that light-bulbs are magic. Technology is just magic, okay? Do you understand all of technology? No? It's magic.

Man, I should probably get another bear picture.

Proud To Have Done Nothing

What is the deal with "Spirit Week" at school*? Why should I be proud of going to my school? I don't even go to a private school! I didn't pay a lot of money to go there. What did I do to be proud of? School spirit for what?

It's the same thing with nationalism. Why should I be proud to live in America? I mean yes, there's the whole "We have better lives than people starving in Africa" thing, but why should I be proud about that? I didn't do anything, I was just born here. And doesn't that kind of sound like gloating? "Ha ha! We were born in America! Guess who gets to eat Squeez Cheez all day bitches?"

And if that's all the "Pledge of Allegiance" is, shouldn't Canada have one that says something like "BAM! Free Healthcare and donuts! What now America?" Come to think of it, doesn't "Pledge of Allegiance" totally sound like something you're forced to say while bowing down to your glorious totalitarian dictator? Does North Korea have a pledge of allegiance. If they do, I bet it involves drinking the blood of their enemies and some more ass kissing for Kim-Jong Il. I hate that guy.

Pretty evil stuff when you think about it. "Gotta keep those civilians in line. Make sure they don't forget that they are married to America for life." Screw that.

*Why yes, it is Spirit Week at my school. Why do you ask?

Murder Simulators

Why is it that video games can't get away with anything? Any time any game has any thing even vaguely offensive in it whatsoever, the media lose their damn minds and go insane, making massive amount of controversy out of nothing. Why is this never a problem for books? Sure, it was in the past, but I think we've all gotten over the fact that "OH MY GOD CATCHER IN THE RYE HAS THE F-WORD IN IT!! BURN IT!!!", haven't we? And even that bullcrap about Harry Potter turning kids towards the occult was more of a bandwagon thing because it the books were popular, wasn't it? So why do people start screaming every time they find out you can suffocate someone with a plastic bag in Manhunt 2?

At first you'd think it's because the interactivity of video games. After all, there's a difference between watching or reading about violent acts and actually pretending to perform them. But the problem with that is that it's all fictional. There's no difference between them because it's all just part of a virtual world. And don't give me that crap about how video games turn people into murderers, because we all know that's bull. And you know what? Like 50%* of murderers were inspired by Catcher in the Rye (meaning that they completely missed the point of the book, by the way). Mark David Chapman was arrested with a copy of the book in his possession. By their logic, books make you a murderer too! And hey, Hitler liked movies! Big fan of American cinema! Guess movies are evil too.

No, the reason people get worked up about it is because it's new. It's the same crap every single new type of media has to go through. The period of being "evil". It's just a bunch of old white guys who have never even touched a video game controller in their lives making a fuss out of things that they know nothing about.

"Video games are bad for you? That's what they said about Rock n' Roll."
-Shigeru Miyamoto, Head Designer, Nintendo

 *It's called hyperbole. Look it up.

I Heart the Metric System

Why is the American system for measuring length so stupid? When you first get started, it seems okay, doesn't it? You think "Okay, the inch is good for a basic, "small" unit of measure. That makes sense." Then you get to the foot and you think "Yeah, that works too. That's a good size for measuring slightly bigger stuff. How many inches are in it? Ten? Twenty? What? TWELVE!?" And then your brain just kind of leaks out through your ear and down your pant leg. It's pretty gross actually.

So then you're like "Okay, fine. Twelve inches in a foot. That's....odd, but I guess I can get used to it. Is there anything for bigger things that nobody ever uses? Uh-huh, the yard. And how many feet are in a yard? Five, right? Ten? THREE!? Why the hell is it three!? Three is a pain in the ass! Why not multiples of five and ten? Wouldn't that be so much easier?" Also, apparently the person your talking to at this point is either a very good listener or dead.

And then there's the mile. Dear God, the mile. Who in their right mind would make the mile 5280 feet? That is just unbelievably stupid. Why not 5000? You'd think that would more sense, wouldn't you? Was the extra 280 feet there just to make it difficult to memorize the number? And if you're one of the five people who measures in yards, then it's 1760 yards, which isn't any better. Who designed this?

Metric>American

Pineapple Brand Blog

Have you ever tried talking like somebody from a commercial? It's fun! Of course, your risk of getting punched in the face repeatedly skyrockets, but it can create some fantastic moments if you have friends that don't hate you. Obviously, the first thing you have to do is refer to every brand of product by name. It isn't "popcorn", it's "Orville Redenbacher Brand Butter-Flavored Microwave Popcorn". It isn't "jell-o", it's "Jell-O Brand Flavored Gelatin Product". It just gets better from there.

The next step is to react to every situation as if it was the greatest thing to happen to you all day. Mom just made dinner? "OH BOY! I LOVE HAMBURGER HELPER BRAND MACARONI AND BEEF!" Just finished the laundry? "HOT DAMN! THAT NEW LAUNDRY DETERGENT HAS MADE MY WHITES BRIGHTER THAN EVER! THANKS CLOROX FLAVORED BRAND CLOROX DETERGENT STUFF!" The most exciting aspect is being able to keep a tally of all the weird looks you get from your family. Even better if you do your laundry at a laundromat. The management might even kick you out if you're consistent. And if you forget to pay often enough.

There's also the added challenge of constantly smiling, unless you want to be in a depression medication commercial. In that case, hire somebody to follow you around with a boombox playing sad piano music to magnify your despair. Actually, medication commercials can be fun. If you want to be in a "erectile dysfunction"-related medication commercial, just do something that has absolutely nothing to do with erectile dysfunction. And in front of a mountain. And possibly while riding a bicycle.

My personal favorite is being in a "music compilation album" commercial. Memorize the chorus of a bunch of terrible Top 40 songs, and then switch between them every ten seconds. Bonus points for getting your friend with the cool voice to walk around with you and scream about how awesome the music is and how you can get it for three easy payments of $19.95.

Superheros For The Modern Age

A small team, it will be composed of only three members. They will fight with heart! With vengeance! With courage! They are....THE SOCIAL SITUATION SQUAD!


Product Placement Jane! With the ability to plug products and let the rest of the team know that Clorox Brand Clorox is the best cleaning product on the market! The world is in her hands, with companies paying her thousands of dollars to mention product names to the people she saves, so that they begin to associate not dying with the cool, refreshing taste of Pepsi(tm).

Captain Obvious! With his powers to inform the citizens of Earth that yes, that meteor, is, in fact, very big. And yes, we should probably do something about that. Thank you Captain Obvious. What would we do without his acute powers of clairvoyance? Die, that's what. Because you totally didn't see that plane coming.

Awkward Silence Man! He can ruin any supervillian team-up just by telling them about the time his Aunt Pearl got a chicken beak stuck in her throat. He can even distract entire citizens from the impending doom by making everyone uncomfortable about it! True American Hero, everyone.

"BAM! AWKWARD SILENCE!"