DISCLAIMER: There is a reasonable chance that I may get a few facts wrong in this post. Instead of pointing these mistakes out, kindly look inside yourself and try to figure out why you feel the need to correct irrelevant facts on the internet. Then smash yourself in the face repeatedly with a hammer and do it anyway.
Why do we celebrate Columbus Day? Columbus sucked. Columbus has always sucked. Your grade school teacher lied to you.
First of all, he didn't discover America. Why do we give him credit for that? The Vikings were here before he was, and if you subscribe to the theory that the "Native Americans", as Political Correctness Gone Mad would like you to call them, crossed over to Alaska from Russia, then they "discovered" America. All Columbus did was make the landmass a more widespread fact in Europe. Which turned out to be a really, really bad thing.
You know what's even worse? He didn't even land in what we would now call the United States. What the hell is he doing with his own Monday? He was a selfish bastard who killed a bunch of natives for no adequately explored reason. He was a massive douche! What did he do to deserve a holiday? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Screw Columbus. Why is there no Teddy Roosevelt Day? Teddy Roosevelt was much cooler than Columbus. I'd rather have a Teddy Roosevelt Day. And no, President's Day doesn't count. President's Day is very similar to Columbus Day in that it sucks.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
The Universe Is Broken Part 2
How exactly would you go about building an airplane? I mean, I kind of understand how the Wright Brothers got started. Theirs was a relatively simple machine. But how exactly do you go from that to say, a 747 or a fighter jet? Yes, I realize there wasn't a linear progression between the two, but if somebody told you to build an airplane, where would you start?
Would you know what to do? I wouldn't. I'd slap some bricks together and tell them it was an abstract plane. That you had to see the plane inside yourself or something like that. Artists love that crap. And once again, what about computers? Would you be able to build a computer? And yes, I know some people build computers for themselves, but not from the ground-up. They get parts. Could you put together a circuit board? I couldn't.
Hell, would you even know how to make a light-bulb? That seems pretty complicated. I'm convinced that light-bulbs are magic. Technology is just magic, okay? Do you understand all of technology? No? It's magic.
Man, I should probably get another bear picture.
Would you know what to do? I wouldn't. I'd slap some bricks together and tell them it was an abstract plane. That you had to see the plane inside yourself or something like that. Artists love that crap. And once again, what about computers? Would you be able to build a computer? And yes, I know some people build computers for themselves, but not from the ground-up. They get parts. Could you put together a circuit board? I couldn't.
Hell, would you even know how to make a light-bulb? That seems pretty complicated. I'm convinced that light-bulbs are magic. Technology is just magic, okay? Do you understand all of technology? No? It's magic.
Man, I should probably get another bear picture.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Proud To Have Done Nothing
What is the deal with "Spirit Week" at school*? Why should I be proud of going to my school? I don't even go to a private school! I didn't pay a lot of money to go there. What did I do to be proud of? School spirit for what?
It's the same thing with nationalism. Why should I be proud to live in America? I mean yes, there's the whole "We have better lives than people starving in Africa" thing, but why should I be proud about that? I didn't do anything, I was just born here. And doesn't that kind of sound like gloating? "Ha ha! We were born in America! Guess who gets to eat Squeez Cheez all day bitches?"
And if that's all the "Pledge of Allegiance" is, shouldn't Canada have one that says something like "BAM! Free Healthcare and donuts! What now America?" Come to think of it, doesn't "Pledge of Allegiance" totally sound like something you're forced to say while bowing down to your glorious totalitarian dictator? Does North Korea have a pledge of allegiance. If they do, I bet it involves drinking the blood of their enemies and some more ass kissing for Kim-Jong Il. I hate that guy.
Pretty evil stuff when you think about it. "Gotta keep those civilians in line. Make sure they don't forget that they are married to America for life." Screw that.
*Why yes, it is Spirit Week at my school. Why do you ask?
It's the same thing with nationalism. Why should I be proud to live in America? I mean yes, there's the whole "We have better lives than people starving in Africa" thing, but why should I be proud about that? I didn't do anything, I was just born here. And doesn't that kind of sound like gloating? "Ha ha! We were born in America! Guess who gets to eat Squeez Cheez all day bitches?"
And if that's all the "Pledge of Allegiance" is, shouldn't Canada have one that says something like "BAM! Free Healthcare and donuts! What now America?" Come to think of it, doesn't "Pledge of Allegiance" totally sound like something you're forced to say while bowing down to your glorious totalitarian dictator? Does North Korea have a pledge of allegiance. If they do, I bet it involves drinking the blood of their enemies and some more ass kissing for Kim-Jong Il. I hate that guy.
Pretty evil stuff when you think about it. "Gotta keep those civilians in line. Make sure they don't forget that they are married to America for life." Screw that.
*Why yes, it is Spirit Week at my school. Why do you ask?
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Murder Simulators
Why is it that video games can't get away with anything? Any time any game has any thing even vaguely offensive in it whatsoever, the media lose their damn minds and go insane, making massive amount of controversy out of nothing. Why is this never a problem for books? Sure, it was in the past, but I think we've all gotten over the fact that "OH MY GOD CATCHER IN THE RYE HAS THE F-WORD IN IT!! BURN IT!!!", haven't we? And even that bullcrap about Harry Potter turning kids towards the occult was more of a bandwagon thing because it the books were popular, wasn't it? So why do people start screaming every time they find out you can suffocate someone with a plastic bag in Manhunt 2?
At first you'd think it's because the interactivity of video games. After all, there's a difference between watching or reading about violent acts and actually pretending to perform them. But the problem with that is that it's all fictional. There's no difference between them because it's all just part of a virtual world. And don't give me that crap about how video games turn people into murderers, because we all know that's bull. And you know what? Like 50%* of murderers were inspired by Catcher in the Rye (meaning that they completely missed the point of the book, by the way). Mark David Chapman was arrested with a copy of the book in his possession. By their logic, books make you a murderer too! And hey, Hitler liked movies! Big fan of American cinema! Guess movies are evil too.
No, the reason people get worked up about it is because it's new. It's the same crap every single new type of media has to go through. The period of being "evil". It's just a bunch of old white guys who have never even touched a video game controller in their lives making a fuss out of things that they know nothing about.
"Video games are bad for you? That's what they said about Rock n' Roll."
-Shigeru Miyamoto, Head Designer, Nintendo
*It's called hyperbole. Look it up.
At first you'd think it's because the interactivity of video games. After all, there's a difference between watching or reading about violent acts and actually pretending to perform them. But the problem with that is that it's all fictional. There's no difference between them because it's all just part of a virtual world. And don't give me that crap about how video games turn people into murderers, because we all know that's bull. And you know what? Like 50%* of murderers were inspired by Catcher in the Rye (meaning that they completely missed the point of the book, by the way). Mark David Chapman was arrested with a copy of the book in his possession. By their logic, books make you a murderer too! And hey, Hitler liked movies! Big fan of American cinema! Guess movies are evil too.
No, the reason people get worked up about it is because it's new. It's the same crap every single new type of media has to go through. The period of being "evil". It's just a bunch of old white guys who have never even touched a video game controller in their lives making a fuss out of things that they know nothing about.
"Video games are bad for you? That's what they said about Rock n' Roll."
-Shigeru Miyamoto, Head Designer, Nintendo
*It's called hyperbole. Look it up.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I Heart the Metric System
Why is the American system for measuring length so stupid? When you first get started, it seems okay, doesn't it? You think "Okay, the inch is good for a basic, "small" unit of measure. That makes sense." Then you get to the foot and you think "Yeah, that works too. That's a good size for measuring slightly bigger stuff. How many inches are in it? Ten? Twenty? What? TWELVE!?" And then your brain just kind of leaks out through your ear and down your pant leg. It's pretty gross actually.
So then you're like "Okay, fine. Twelve inches in a foot. That's....odd, but I guess I can get used to it. Is there anything for bigger things that nobody ever uses? Uh-huh, the yard. And how many feet are in a yard? Five, right? Ten? THREE!? Why the hell is it three!? Three is a pain in the ass! Why not multiples of five and ten? Wouldn't that be so much easier?" Also, apparently the person your talking to at this point is either a very good listener or dead.
And then there's the mile. Dear God, the mile. Who in their right mind would make the mile 5280 feet? That is just unbelievably stupid. Why not 5000? You'd think that would more sense, wouldn't you? Was the extra 280 feet there just to make it difficult to memorize the number? And if you're one of the five people who measures in yards, then it's 1760 yards, which isn't any better. Who designed this?
Metric>American
So then you're like "Okay, fine. Twelve inches in a foot. That's....odd, but I guess I can get used to it. Is there anything for bigger things that nobody ever uses? Uh-huh, the yard. And how many feet are in a yard? Five, right? Ten? THREE!? Why the hell is it three!? Three is a pain in the ass! Why not multiples of five and ten? Wouldn't that be so much easier?" Also, apparently the person your talking to at this point is either a very good listener or dead.
And then there's the mile. Dear God, the mile. Who in their right mind would make the mile 5280 feet? That is just unbelievably stupid. Why not 5000? You'd think that would more sense, wouldn't you? Was the extra 280 feet there just to make it difficult to memorize the number? And if you're one of the five people who measures in yards, then it's 1760 yards, which isn't any better. Who designed this?
Metric>American
Monday, October 4, 2010
Pineapple Brand Blog
Have you ever tried talking like somebody from a commercial? It's fun! Of course, your risk of getting punched in the face repeatedly skyrockets, but it can create some fantastic moments if you have friends that don't hate you. Obviously, the first thing you have to do is refer to every brand of product by name. It isn't "popcorn", it's "Orville Redenbacher Brand Butter-Flavored Microwave Popcorn". It isn't "jell-o", it's "Jell-O Brand Flavored Gelatin Product". It just gets better from there.
The next step is to react to every situation as if it was the greatest thing to happen to you all day. Mom just made dinner? "OH BOY! I LOVE HAMBURGER HELPER BRAND MACARONI AND BEEF!" Just finished the laundry? "HOT DAMN! THAT NEW LAUNDRY DETERGENT HAS MADE MY WHITES BRIGHTER THAN EVER! THANKS CLOROX FLAVORED BRAND CLOROX DETERGENT STUFF!" The most exciting aspect is being able to keep a tally of all the weird looks you get from your family. Even better if you do your laundry at a laundromat. The management might even kick you out if you're consistent. And if you forget to pay often enough.
There's also the added challenge of constantly smiling, unless you want to be in a depression medication commercial. In that case, hire somebody to follow you around with a boombox playing sad piano music to magnify your despair. Actually, medication commercials can be fun. If you want to be in a "erectile dysfunction"-related medication commercial, just do something that has absolutely nothing to do with erectile dysfunction. And in front of a mountain. And possibly while riding a bicycle.
My personal favorite is being in a "music compilation album" commercial. Memorize the chorus of a bunch of terrible Top 40 songs, and then switch between them every ten seconds. Bonus points for getting your friend with the cool voice to walk around with you and scream about how awesome the music is and how you can get it for three easy payments of $19.95.
The next step is to react to every situation as if it was the greatest thing to happen to you all day. Mom just made dinner? "OH BOY! I LOVE HAMBURGER HELPER BRAND MACARONI AND BEEF!" Just finished the laundry? "HOT DAMN! THAT NEW LAUNDRY DETERGENT HAS MADE MY WHITES BRIGHTER THAN EVER! THANKS CLOROX FLAVORED BRAND CLOROX DETERGENT STUFF!" The most exciting aspect is being able to keep a tally of all the weird looks you get from your family. Even better if you do your laundry at a laundromat. The management might even kick you out if you're consistent. And if you forget to pay often enough.
There's also the added challenge of constantly smiling, unless you want to be in a depression medication commercial. In that case, hire somebody to follow you around with a boombox playing sad piano music to magnify your despair. Actually, medication commercials can be fun. If you want to be in a "erectile dysfunction"-related medication commercial, just do something that has absolutely nothing to do with erectile dysfunction. And in front of a mountain. And possibly while riding a bicycle.
My personal favorite is being in a "music compilation album" commercial. Memorize the chorus of a bunch of terrible Top 40 songs, and then switch between them every ten seconds. Bonus points for getting your friend with the cool voice to walk around with you and scream about how awesome the music is and how you can get it for three easy payments of $19.95.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Superheros For The Modern Age
A small team, it will be composed of only three members. They will fight with heart! With vengeance! With courage! They are....THE SOCIAL SITUATION SQUAD!
Product Placement Jane! With the ability to plug products and let the rest of the team know that Clorox Brand Clorox is the best cleaning product on the market! The world is in her hands, with companies paying her thousands of dollars to mention product names to the people she saves, so that they begin to associate not dying with the cool, refreshing taste of Pepsi(tm).
Captain Obvious! With his powers to inform the citizens of Earth that yes, that meteor, is, in fact, very big. And yes, we should probably do something about that. Thank you Captain Obvious. What would we do without his acute powers of clairvoyance? Die, that's what. Because you totally didn't see that plane coming.
Awkward Silence Man! He can ruin any supervillian team-up just by telling them about the time his Aunt Pearl got a chicken beak stuck in her throat. He can even distract entire citizens from the impending doom by making everyone uncomfortable about it! True American Hero, everyone.
"BAM! AWKWARD SILENCE!"
Product Placement Jane! With the ability to plug products and let the rest of the team know that Clorox Brand Clorox is the best cleaning product on the market! The world is in her hands, with companies paying her thousands of dollars to mention product names to the people she saves, so that they begin to associate not dying with the cool, refreshing taste of Pepsi(tm).
Captain Obvious! With his powers to inform the citizens of Earth that yes, that meteor, is, in fact, very big. And yes, we should probably do something about that. Thank you Captain Obvious. What would we do without his acute powers of clairvoyance? Die, that's what. Because you totally didn't see that plane coming.
Awkward Silence Man! He can ruin any supervillian team-up just by telling them about the time his Aunt Pearl got a chicken beak stuck in her throat. He can even distract entire citizens from the impending doom by making everyone uncomfortable about it! True American Hero, everyone.
"BAM! AWKWARD SILENCE!"
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