Speak of the Devil Part 3

I'm a little bit late on this one, since a lot of people have already made joke about it, but it's really bugging me, and I want to talk about it. Now, I think there's a question that we all want an answer to...

WHY IS THERE A FINAL DESTINATION 5!?

It seems pretty damn unnecessary to me. But more importantly, they called the fourth one "The Final Destination", which was pretty damn stupid. I'm glad they figured out that not putting numbers on the end and just using the same damn title again is stupid and confusing, but now they've just made it ridiculous. You can't STOP numbering the sequels for one installment and then start doing it AGAIN. That's horsecrap, and you know it. It's like when we had Guitar Hero 1, 2, and 3, then Guitar Hero "World Tour", and then Guitar Hero 5. THAT'S STUPID. YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT.

Of course, it couldve been worse. They could've called THIS one "Final Destination 4", which would've made me throw something through the nearest window. Or hey, they could've called it "5inal Destination", which seems to be popular lately. You know, the "replace letters with numbers" thing used to work when the number either looked like the letter or sounded like the word you were replacing. But now apparently you can just do whatever the hell you want. I'm looking at you, "Se7en". A seven looks nothing like a V, and you know it.

Distracted By the Shiny

I feel bad for people who actually have ADHD. You know, because I know a couple people who actually DO benefit from being on the medication, because it helps them stay focused and understand what's going on. And you know, I have absolutely no problem with that. But then there are the other two groups, who I just can't stand. There are the kids who just claim to have ADHD as an excuse to not do anything and act like pricks, who I just want to punch in the mouth, and there are the parents who put their kids on Ritalin for being different, who I imagine have robbed us of many fantastic artists. Screw you guys.

Now, I say that I feel bad for the kids I know with real ADHD. Not because they have ADHD, because they're all perfectly functional and doing well with it, but because all these other morons have made it so people think THEY'RE the same way, which has gotta suck pretty bad. See, because we all know it's massively overdiagnosed, so we never know if someone's lying when they say they have it. The best way I've found to tell the difference is to ask them what they're like when they're not on meds, and if it makes a difference. Everyone I know with real ADHD is perfectly fine with taking the medicine, because it HELPS them. Of course, this method has a high chance of getting punched balls, so as always, exercise caution.

Of course, none of this means that ADHD jokes still aren't hilarious, because they are. Someone running away while yelling "Ooh, shiny!" will never get old to me.

This Blog Brought To You By Hayden Christiansen

Not everything needs a celebrity endorsement. There is currently a jar of mayonnaise in my house* with an endorsement from some NASCAR driver guy on it. I can't remember his name, because I'm pretty sure my brain immediately blocked it out of my memory five seconds after reading so as to preserve my complete lack of NASCAR knowledge and keep my sanity intact, but it did make me wonder who exactly would have their opinion swayed by the fact that a NASCAR driver recommends a certain kind of mayonnaise. I mean, celebrity endorsements are annoying, but at least make sense when the person is at least somewhat connected to the product. If Tony Hawk says "Buy these skateboard wheels, they are good", I will probably believe him, because Tony Hawk is good at skateboarding. But if he told me "Buy this block of cheese, it is delicious", I would probably first question Tony Hawk's experience in the cheese industry first.

So the only real connection with our NASCAR mayonnaise friend here is the logic I assume went through the head of the ad executive who commissioned the campaign."White people like mayonnaise. White people like NASCAR. Therefore, combining the two will sell more mayonnaise to white people." Which I imagine the target audience might find a bit insulting. Not that I'm not guilty of insulting people who like NASCAR, but it's probably not the best idea to offend the people who you want to give you their money. But what do I know? I don't run an advertising agency. For good reason at that.

Or perhaps there's some sort of bizarre connection between mayonnaise and NASCAR that I have no knowledge of. Perhaps they have recently instated new rules involving mayonnaise, and I am a fool for not knowing about the wonderful world of mayonnaise driving. But I doubt it. 

*I say it's in my house instead of "I have a jar of mayonnaise" because mayonnaise makes me puke. This is information that you needed to know. In other news, I was unable to spell "mayonnaise" correctly on my first try.

But They're Pretty, Yeah

I think it's sort of weird how we give flowers to people as gifts. I mean, flowers are nice and everything, but once you get them, what are you supposed to do with them? Usually you just set them down that night and try to figure out where you're going to put them once you sober up. Then once it's, oh, 5:30 in the afternoon, you decide you should probably put them in some water. Unfortunately, you don't have a vase, because you don't have any children. So you figure you should go and buy one. After realizing that vases are not actually within your budget because you spent it all on booze, you end up either letting the flowers die or sticking them in a coffee mug filled with tap water. And then they die anyway.

What I'm saying is, I don't really get why there's such a pressure for guys to get their dates/girlfriends/sex slaves flowers. And it's pretty specific, isn't it? You gotta get her a dozen red roses, or else she will never love you. If you get eleven, she will probably leave you and take all of your booze money. And I guess thirteen would just be showing off. I guess I just like to think that women are less shallow than that.

But that's alway been a bit of a thing for me. Any woman who leaves you because of something stupid like that probably wasn't worth being with in the first place. Why do you gotta impress her? If flowers impress her that much, she probably doesn't leave the house very often. They're all over the place outside.

God Works In Mysterious Ways

You'd think that if God is supposed to be all-loving and perfect, he wouldn't ask us to praise Him* so much. I mean, asking, nay, demanding that everyone praise your name and talk about how great you are all the time doesn't sound like something a perfect being would do. It sounds a bit conceited, doesn't it?They say you should always tell praise Him in your prayers, I guess just in case He forgets that he's awesome or something. I don't know, maybe God has Alzheimer's. He's pretty old.**

Hey, maybe God never said that he wants to be praised all the time. I wouldn't put it past some of those jerkwad Middle Ages priests to change up the scripture like that. Maybe God's sick of people kissing his ass all the time. I probably would eventually. I mean, He's God. He's basically a giant superhero that lives in the sky. He probably wishes we'd all just work on trying to make the world not suck.

By the way, if God knows everything, why do you need to pray? That's like watching an episode of CSI when you already know who did it. It's kind of pointless.

*I forgot about capitalizing all the pronouns until I had already written most of this. I sort of debated with myself on whether I should do it at all, but it just seemed weird not to.
**Welp, I'm going to hell.

Look At How Vibrant It Is

HDTVs don't really impress me that much. Not because I'm incredibly pretentious and consider it not good enough for me, but just because I don't really care about picture quality that much, and I can barely tell the difference anyway. I'm sure that to...whatever the picture quality equivalent of an audiophile is (Videophile? Firefox's spell-check says that's a real word, so I guess so. Then again, it also considers "Scientology" a word, so it's not above accepting made-up words.), that makes me an embarassing plebean who just doesn't understand how mind-blowing HD is. The thing is, I don't really care.

Of course, now that they're starting to become almost ubiquitous, it's sort of unavoidable. Plenty of people have them, but I'm not really sure it's worth the money just so you can see more individual hairs in Jack Bauer's perpetual stubble. It seems more like a luxury for people with absurd amounts of disposable income, or weirdos like my dad who go on and on about picture quality. Try as they might, they will never get me to care.

It's all better than 3D TVs though, at the least. I don't think I even need to explain how stupid those things are. Here's a big shock for you, Sony: Nobody wants to wear your stupid glasses when they're watching TV. In other news, it looks like crap even with the glasses. Nice try though.

And Of Course, Spotted Dick

Sometimes you have to wonder how smart advertisers are. I mean obviously, all of them are manipulative swine who love nothing more than to take all your money, but there are certain things that make me wonder if they realize what they're really doing. As an example, I'm going to use Vince Offer, the Sham-Wow guy, because he is completely insane and apparently punched a hooker in the mouth once.

Now, as anyone who's seen the commercials he's in can tell you, Vince has some unbelievably stupid lines and looks like a weasel suffering from a severe tic. And wouldn't you know it, everyone loved it. And to be fair, I do too, because that man is clearly out of his mind. And that's what makes me wonder, did the people who put this commercial together KNOW that this was ridiculous? They had to, didn't they? Did they make a commercial absurd and laughable because they KNEW people would find it funny, thus giving their product far more exposure?I don't know, they might have. It depends on how evil they really are.

It's the same thing with the Shake Weight, and pretty much any other product that isn't sexual, but so obviously is. The people who made this CAN'T have been that ignorant. These are full grown men. They HAVE to notice these things. The question is, are they doing it on purpose? Either way, it worked, because they sold like a billion of them. Great, now we've told the advertisers that we will fall for their ploys, if the ploy is even there. I guess that's fine though, because eventually we will reach a point where every commercial is unintentionally hilarious. I could live with that.