Satan Ate All the Thin Mints

I wonder if the devil is actually not that bad of a guy, and God has just been taking part in a massive smear campaign for the past few millenniums. Maybe Satan is just one of those guys that's only kind of a jerk, but he did something that really pissed off God, so now God hates him. Or hell,* maybe Satan's actually a pretty cool guy, but he stole God's girlfriend or something. You know how those things always go. So then God kicked the crap out of him and made him go live underground. Which, you know, I guess is okay, since he's God, but that seems like overkill to me. Satan must have done something really, really uncool for God to say "Alright, screw this, you get eternal torment. How do you like THAT?"**

Or maybe God's just one of those guys that majorly overreacts to stuff. Like maybe Satan just made a couple ribs on God's mom, which really pissed God off because he never even KNEW his mother, and Satan was all "Come on man, we're just joking around", but God wouldn't listen because he was being all melodramatic. And then he remembered that, oh yeah, he's God, and he has superpowers. It's probably easy to forget that sort of thing in the middle of an argument. You know, too many distractions. You can't keep up with everything ALL the time. So then God decided that Satan needed to shut the hell up. So he did so. Violently.

Or...

Satan's an evil bastard and God is an all-loving deity. But where's the fun in that?

*These puns are going to be sort of inevitable for this one.
**The Bible apparently says that Satan doesn't rule hell, he just lives in it, and it sucks for him too. Seriously, look it up.

Burn Them All Alive

This is going to be a less disturbing than the title would imply. Maybe.

I bet people wouldn't be so excited about being able to eat lobster and crab if they didn't look so terrifying. Now, I'm not going to go on some vegetarian rant about how humans are the devil because we eat meat, because I'm not a vegetarian. The thing is, we're usually averse to eating animals that look weird. I mean, cows and pigs are pretty standard looking. There's nothing particularly jarring about cows and pigs. But if some guy was all "Here, eat this Madagascan lemur", you'd be all "Dude, no, that's nasty". Or maybe you wouldn't say it like that. I don't know how you talk. Anyway, I think lobsters and crabs sort of crossed that line twice. Lobsters and crabs are so freaky-looking that we're perfectly okay with dropping them into vats of boiling water for the sake of nutrition. If crustaceans looked like tiny cats, but tasted exactly the same, no one would eat them, because that would just be weird. Well, maybe the Chinese would.

I also like how crab is one of the few foods that you have to put a considerable amount of effort into eating. You can't just put a whole bunch of crab legs in a bowl and gnaw on them while you sit on the couch and watch Star Wars. Well, I guess you could, but you'd get crap all over your face and your wife would probably leave you. Also, you'd break all your teeth, but those aren't important anyway. Point is, it almost seems like it was designed to be an effort vs. reward thing. Crab is a much, much larger pain in the ass to eat than chicken is, but crab is far more delicious. Creationists should start using that. "God made crabs delicious because he hates people from Maryland."

I do like how most places that sell lobster let you pick out which one you want them to burn and maim horribly. You know, as if it's going to make any difference. "Oh yeah, I'm definitely going to have to take that one. That one looks good." It's like trying to differentiate between...individual lobsters. Seriously people, what?

Watching You

Did you know that Big Brother is the worst thing ever created by human beings? It's true, I checked. Now, I've always been one to point out that reality TV is stupid. But see, you don't need me to tell you that. I figure that if you're intelligent enough to be able to...I dunno, read, you've probably figured out that reality TV is a waste of time. Every comedian and/or smartass on the Internet can tell you that. It isn't really news to anyone. So if I knew that, how did I come across Big Brother? Because my father has awful taste in television.

Now, I have absolutely no idea how you "win" Big Brother. I do not know what the goal of the show is, or why so many people are so into accomplishing it. All I know is that whatever it is, it involves two very important skills: shouting, and being a douchebag. If you can someone do these things at the same time, well that's all for the better then. See, because I didn't so much watch Big Brother as I did regard it from across the room with disgust. I was able to gather that there was some guy named Tony, and some chick was pissed off at him because...he betrayed her. In the game of Big Brother, apparently. So basically, it's like Survivor without the island. Or the people eating bugs. And the contestants are even more unlikeable, which is a pretty astonishing accomplishment. Also, I have stated previously that Survivor is boring as hell, so you can pretty much guess how things were going.

Also, this show has apparently been running for like ten years. Who the hell is watching this religiously? I'm not going to say that you're stupid for doing that, I just don't GET it. Maybe it's like watching a trainwreck, or a carpet bombing or something. Although that HAS to get old after awhile.

Staring At the Sky

I'm surprised we don't here about more astronomers going completely insane. You'd think that after a certain amount of time gazing into the infinite expanse of the universe and experiencing a feeling of unbelievable insignificance and fragility, you'd eventually just decide that life is completely illogical and pointless, and then your brain would explode. Because that's how psychiatry works. I mean, I get a bit uneasy just looking up at the sky at night. Can you imagine if that was your JOB? And not only that, but everyone expected you to be trying to figure out what's going on with the universe? I'm sure a lot of astronomers start out with it because they find space fascinating, which makes sense, because space is the best thing in the world, and then it slowly gets more and more horrifying the longer they study. That sounds like fun.

Really, the idea of a universe that is infinite is something that I think the human brain isn't really capable of grasping. Maybe we haven't sufficiently evolved enough to have brains that are intelligent enough to really understand everything that it implies. It is not really possible to be able to envision a limitless space. An endless expanse, where there is no limit to how many worlds there are. The stars are limitless. The galaxies are limitless. There is no "edge of the universe". It goes on forever. I am reasonably certain that that is impossible. And also utterly terrifying.

It also demonstrates that anyone who thinks that we are the only planet with intelligent life in the universe should be laughed out of every room they ever enter. That is absurd. I don't have all the answers. In fact, I have practically none. But there is just no way that this is all we're going to get. Because come on guys, how much of a freaking let-down would that be?

Drink Gatorade, Become God

I like how aggressive the sports drink companies are. You know, with their commercials that don't say, but heavily imply that their sugar-flavored purple water allows you to become the earthly manifestation of Christ. Or at least, you know, Michael Jordan. Of course, they don't actually do any of those things. Mostly they just make you think that you're drinking cough syrup without the mind-blowing high. The thing is, there are like five or six different types of "electrolyte" drinks, the foremost being Gatorade and Powerade,* and they all taste exactly the same. Including the different flavors. I know this, because I was addicted to them during middle school, and I tried pretty much all of them. Also, if you mix enough of them together until the mixture turns brown, it eventually starts to taste like hatred.

It's actually amazing how most drink companies have commercials that imply that they will turn you into Superman. Most companies that sell confectionaries are content to tell you that their food doesn't taste like motor oil, but drink companies like telling you that you will either become amazing at everything, or that it will improve your life in ways you could not possibly imagine. Beer commercials are the obvious target here, but I'm really disturbed by the Coca-Cola ones. At least most beer commercials just sort of come up with as many ways to say "This will make you drunk without tasting like cow blood, also women will have sex with you", Coca-Cola decided that they wanted to imply that this soda WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER. Which a lot of commercials do, but they're just so darn enthusiastic about. Remember kids, soft drinks are the key to success.

*Seriously, how the hell did they get away with that one? That'd be like if some company came along and made a soda called "Cora-Cola".

Seriously Guys We Get 5.8s Like Every Other Week

Okay, I just want to talk about this before it becomes extremely old news and nobody cares about it anymore. I know I don't usually do "topical" stuff, mostly due to the fact that I don't care enough to bother, but this sort of thing seems more in-line with what I usually talk about anyway, so I figured I might as well.

I would really appreciate it if everyone would kindly shut the hell up about the goddamn earthquake. Now, the reasons most people from California are complaining about that is because they think all the East Coasters are being total wusses about it, because it was seriously not a big deal. And yes, while that is almost certainly true (you big babies), an earthquake happening where earthquakes don't normally happen is certainly an interesting story. However it is NOT "two goddamn days worth of news" interesting, or however long it's been since they started talking about this. And the news will probably continue until at least like, next week. And oh my God I don't care can we talk about something else now.

Now, this would continue to be an interesting story if anything got blown up, or a building fell on top of someone's mom, or if like a hundred people died. Then there would be something depressing for all of us to focus on, to distract ourselves from all the depressing things that are happening to us. But that didn't happen, and yet they're still sending reporters over to the East Coast to stand in the middle of the street and go "Look guys there is a little crack here could this be EARTHQUAKE DAMAGE?" I bet all those plane rides are pretty expensive. We could probably be spending that sort of money on things that actually matter, but oh well.

Or maybe it's been like this because NOTHING HAPPENED THIS WEEK. But that's kind of sorta not really the case, with all the rebellion stuff and whatnot. But I guess white people being moderately inconvenienced is interesting too.

Cyber Horseplay

So here's something random that's been bugging me lately*: I don't think it's okay for schools to be able to punish kids for what they do on the Internet. You know what I'm talking about. Some kid calls some other kid a "fag" on Facebook, and the school comes in and suspends him. That'd be like if the dean came over to your house and grounded you for swearing. It just doesn't seem right to me at all that the school now apparently has jurisdiction over everything you do, even when you're not at school. Sure, using this so-called "cyber bullying"** as evidence that some kid has the motivation to beat the living hell out of another kid is all fine and good, but punishing someone just for their online actions? That isn't the school's job.

Well actually, I think they just SAY that they're going to do that. As far as I know, it isn't actually legal. Which would make sense, but making sense has never been the school system's top priority (see: well, anything really). So really, they could just be making it up. I have no idea, but they don't really care about that, do they? They just want me to THINK that they have that kind of power. Because they hate freedom of speech, see? And they all want to make us into mindless blah blah blah communist manifesto oh my god I don't care.

The REAL truth is, I don't know how much of anything is true about anything. There are a stupid amount of arbitrary rules in the world of education, and I'm so baffled by most of it that it's hard to even talk about it. Maybe the administration is made up of paranoid schizophrenics, or maybe they're well-meaning, but woefully out of touch. I don't know or really have the energy to care anymore. But my first point still stands, either way. Leave my Internet alone please.

*I really ought to just begin every post this way. It would save so much time.
**Seriously, we're still using this term? I thought the word "cyber" got left behind some time in the earl nineties, only being revived any time someone needs a name for a robot-themed level in a video game.