New Decade Sound

So the start of the new decade was pretty disappointing, wasn't it? Not to say it was a particularly crappy year, it was about as crappy as all the others, but it was pretty boring, relatively speaking. I'm not talking about politics and all that other stuff that actually matters but I really don't care about. I'm talking about music.

Alright, so we can all agree that the past decade pretty much sucked music-wise, right? Unless you're a big rap fan, but if you are, you probably don't know how to read, so that's okay. But it seems like every decade gets it's own new rock variation, and most of them kicked ass. The 60s gave us classic rock, the 70s brought psychedelic and prog, the 80s had several different kinds of metal, and the 90s gave birth to grunge. But the 00s? Mostly, we got some idiots talking about killing prostitutes over a five note bassline. How exciting.

So I'm hoping that this decade, we get something good. Some band has just got to break out with something really awesome and original, or I am going to shrivel up and die. Either that, or I want They Might Be Giants to make a mainstream comeback. A man can dream.

Worst Mammalian Trait Ever

So I'm still trying to puzzle out what the deal is with boobs.* I understand the whole "feed babies with 'em" thing, but I just do not understand pretty much anything else about them. Not the actual anatomy of them, but the complete and utter obsession with them in our society. As part of the 0.1% of the straight male population who isn't particularly attracted to women with large breasts, I just end up confused most of the time. You'd think big boobs would just get in the way or something. Seems sort of uncomfortable.

The real issue, however, is that I can't for the life of me figure out why the hell it's so taboo to see them. I mean, we all know that boobs are not sex organs, right? If you didn't know that, then you should probably not have skipped seventh grade health class. But seriously, what's with the aversion? It's already a bit odd that we're supposed to be terrified of seeing genitalia, but boobs aren't even that! They're just there to make milk. So what exactly is the deal? I'm not sure.**

Also, plastic surgery. Can we all agree that this is just incredibly unconvincing. It's like a little kid putting on twenty pairs of socks in order to look taller. It just makes everyone laugh and feel slightly uncomfortable. And I don't think boobs made out of plastic would be very....well actually a lot of things. They just sound painful for all involved.***

*Oh yeah, you can tell from the FIRST SENTENCE that this is going to be a fun one.
**Without the establishment of "Not into big boobs" in the previous paragraph, this would seem like the perviest proposal EVER.
***I once saw a women whose boobs were at least two inches apart. I wish I were making this up.

Not a Conversation

You know what I want to complain about but don't really have a good opening line for doing so? Voicemail. I freaking hate voicemail.* See, the concept of it is sort of okay. You miss someone's call, so you just hear a message from them once you get the chance. In theory, this works fine, but in practice, it is unbelievably annoying.

The main problem seems to be that phone companies are apparently trying to make it as difficult as possible to listen to your messages.** Have you ever noticed that? Think about how long it takes to actually get to the message. First, the robot starts talking. This goes on for about five hundred hours, then they ask you to put in a password, which is a pain in the ass, because it just feels extremely unnecessary. Then the robot talks for about six hundred more hours, and then you get to listen to the message, which you can barely hear, because the sound quality is terrible. And if you miss something and want to hear it again, you have to sit through the robot talking. AGAIN.

And all of this beside the more common complaints, the fact that people are morons and feel the need to leave long, rambling messages. Don't give me your damn life story, just tell me to call you back. And see, that's the problem. The whole thing could be accomplished with one text message, and everyone's lives would be so much easier. But no, you have to sit through this dictated novel. I hate you.

*God, you can tell this is going to be a very generic post. I'm such a hack.
**Note that this only applies to cellphones. The only advantage landlines have over cellphones is that they get to bypass most of this stupid crap.

Save the Monsters

 Why are we still trying to protect pandas? I'm not saying that endangered species lists as a whole are stupid, but why are we so focused on pandas? The thing is, pandas kind of suck. They really don't have any evolutionary advantage over any other animal, do they? The damn things are fat, lazy, and most of all, stupid. Listen, any animal that flat-out REFUSES TO BREED probably needs to die out. We aren't doing them any favors by keeping them alive.

Look, we all know exactly why these stupid animals are being protected, right? Can we just admit to ourselves that the only reason way more efforts are being put into saving them than saving say, Tasmanian devils* is because pandas are cute. That's it. We like them because they're so goddamn cute. I wouldn't have a problem with that, but they don't do ANYTHING ELSE. Dolphins are cute, but at least dolphins can kick some ass. But because we value appearance over ever single other factor,** they get to live.

Think about it, would people be obsessed with saving the pandas if they had no hair, red eyes, and twelve foot claws?*** Of course not, because they would be terrifying. We'd be too busy trying to shoot the ugly bastards.

*Despite the fact that Tasmanian devils are totally freaking badass. They can scream loud enough to pop your ear drums. That's hardcore.
**Except possibly patriotism, which is why we aren't allowed to barbecue bald eagles.
***The claws are brittle, so the pandas still can't fight.

Going Out of Style

I don't even understand how newspapers are staying in business anymore. I mean, I know that the companies are already suffering to an incredibly degree, but it amazes me that they're even still going at this point. There's basically no reason for them to even exist anymore, is there? Essentially, pretty much anything that you have to pay for in the newspaper, you can get for free online. Not only that, it's so much less wasteful, not having to use all that paper. And yet we're still selling them. Why?

I get that there are old people who don't like the internet, because I don't know, they probably think it introduces children to the occult or something,* but these people are going to be gone in the next couple of decades. Soon, the internet is going to be as commonly used as the telephone, and then where are these companies going to be? They're going to be screwed, unless they get onto the online news bandwagon fast. I know most newspapers also have websites where they offer up the same content for FREE,** so why are we even bothering any more? They might as well just cut their losses and get out now, right?

It's a convenience thing, really. The internet can get information faster, on smaller devices, and pretty much anywhere in the world if you're willing to pay for 3G. And many of us our, considering how well the iPhone's been selling. Newspapers are kind of screwed.

*And we've already established how untrustworthy old people are.
**Seriously, who came up with this business model?

Merry DBADD

Why do we celebrate Christmas Eve? I mean, does Christmas really need two days? It already basically swallows up all of the days around it, doesn't it? When you think about it, pretty much all of December is celebrating Christmas, isn't it? In fact, it can even extend into November. This year, I started hearing Christmas music in the grocery store as early as November 20th. Hell, last year, I saw decorations in stores before Halloween was even over. I think that's really pushing it.

It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Like, what are we celebrating? I know that Christians are just saying that Jesus was born now, but that's only because they all felt left out during the Pagan days when everyone else was celebrating the Solstice. So what the hell is everyone else celebrating? It seems like we just sort of picked a random day for giving people presents and being cold. I think we should rename it to "Don't Be A Dick Day", although that should be every day, but that's probably asking too much of people.

And don't get me wrong, Christmas is awesome, I just don't see why we do it. I mean, besides getting people stuff. That could probably be a reason all it's own, but you're not going to get people to admit that. I think if we could just get everyone to agree that yes, it's all about consumerism, but it's awesome anyway, we'd probably be a lot better off.

Robots Are Terrifying

You know, I don't think I'm exactly in a hurry for the whole "robot servant" thing. Not because I'm one of those paranoid weirdos who thinks that they're all going to become sentient and try to kill us, mostly because that DOESN'T MAKE ANY GODDAMN SENSE.* But still, for some reason, I find the idea incredibly unsettling. Robots just kind of creep me out, and I don't think I would like having them in my house that much. And besides, I'm pretty sure that would pretty much be the pinnacle of human laziness if these things become common. I don't even understand how people can have butlers. It just seems really awkward to me. And rude somehow, even if they are getting paid.

More importantly, what the hell is with the obsession with making human-looking robots? Those things are so goddamn scary, I'm not even going to provide a link for it. You can Google it yourself, but I am not ever looking at those scary monstrosities ever again. Seriously, that IS the uncanny valley, right there. Also, I'm sure there's some sort of terrifying psychological reason for why they all seem to be female.

Maybe I'm just really weird. I still have trouble going into Macy's sometimes because of those mannequins that they try their damn hardest to make look like people. It's just....unbelievably disturbing. And it freaks me out, because there's no reason for it. It's just scary. People who make those things are friggin' creepy bastards.

*Seriously, why would you ever need to program a self-aware robot? And why would you ever program it with even the POSSIBILITY that it would kill people. Doesn't make a bit of sense to me.

Animal Wrongs Group

Why is it that we're allowed to get pissy at China just because they eat cats and dogs? I'm not saying that I'm okay with doing that, but why is it fair for us to try to force them to ban it?* There's two main problems that I see with this.

First of all, who the hell are we to tell other countries what they can and can't do? It's not like they're capturing Americans and using them as sex slaves or anything stupid like that. Why is this our business? Come to think of it, why is anything our business? That's one of our biggest problems. We can't be like any other country and just try to worry about ourselves. No, we have to get involved. Does it suck that they do this? Yes, but why the hell should they have to listen to us. What are we going to do, threaten to bomb them if they don't stop? That seems to be the good old-fashioned American way.

More importantly, we're not exactly the most saintly country when it comes to this kind of stuff. These animal rights people want us to see all animals as equal, right? So how come the government isn't pressuring people here to stop eating cow?** If they're all equal, right? I'm actually a bit of an animal rights person myself, but come on guys, can't we focus on bigger issues? Rainforests and all that stuff? That seems a bit more pressing to me.

PETA, this is why everyone hates you. You're dickheads.

*We totally did this. I can't remember where the hell I read it, but it happened.
**In case it isn't clear, I know animal rights groups are pressuring the government to do this. However, the thing over in China actually resulted in a ban. And yet, they haven't been shutting down slaughterhouses in America. Well, they have, but because of crappy working conditions, not because of animal cruelty. Consistency, that's all I ask.

Alternate Universe of Monotony

There are just so many things that just don't make sense about dreams. I'm not referring to the fact that they're basically like free acid trips that you can never remember perfectly. I'm talking about how weird it is that they even happen. Scientists still aren't entirely sure why exactly we dream, although they're pretty certain that it has to do with resting the brain and dumping out all the useless, stupid thoughts in your head, although this apparently doesn't work for a lot of people.*

I just find the whole thing a bit strange in general. I mean, sleep is already sort of weird, isn't in? It sort of works if you think of it as some sort of cool down time for your brain, but that only kind of sort of sounds like it makes sense. But then, while your brain is resting, your brain also decides to have vivid, often terrifying hallucinations. Or really awesome hallucinations, depending on how lucky you are. Objectively, that seems to be, as the great Orson Welles once said, "pretty freakin' weird".**

And then there's lucid dreaming, which is basically where you know that you're in a dream, and you can control what you're doing within it. Some people can even control the entire dream world, like some really boring version of Inception.*** It seems like we should have that kind of control all the time, right? Because it's all in our heads, right? Right?

Wrong, because dreams don't make any goddamn sense.

*Zing.
**You know, probably.
***I wish there was some crappy movie about dreaming that was out right now so I could make a clever joke here.

Taking Me Seriously Part 4

I can't decide whether or not we're doing a good thing with health and medicine and everything. I mean, if somebody has some kind of debilitating genetic deformity, and it's possible that this could be passed down to their children, are we doing the right thing by saving them? I don't mean like if we can cure them, but just that we can keep them alive long enough for them to breed. Isn't this sort of thing going to screw us over later? Won't this result in a weaker populace, as these deformities spread and eventually make a huge percentage of the population have them? Are we in our right to save these people, or should we just let nature run its course?

This is sort of a big problem for me. Asthma, which I have, can be passed down from parents. In a natural setting, without the comforts of society, I'd be pretty screwed. Was it the right thing to do to let me live? Because I can't say that we should let natural selection work itself out without considering the ramifications for myself. Would it be wrong for me to have children? I don't know. Is my life torturous enough because of this to make it that big of a deal? I don't think it is, but what if my children felt differently about it? Is it worth that risk?

It's sort of a similar deal with the way we keep old people alive for so long. The people who can't see, can't hear, and can't move. What are we accomplishing by keeping them alive? It's really for our own sick benefit, because most of these people would probably rather just be dead than have to live like that, but we do it anyway, because it would be considered "wrong" to just pull the plug and let them die in peace. Sometimes the Hippocratic Oath doesn't work out so well.

Of course, none of this applies to non-hereditary traits. So even though in the wild, somebody born blind would be pretty screwed, nowadays I don't think it's wrong to keep them alive. It all has to do with the gene pool. What you have to ask yourself is are we in the right to let these kinds of people breed?

Not Really That Great

Why exactly do people celebrate when the "hundredth" something happens? What exactly is so significant about it? It seems like it's just an excuse to party and get drunk.* Like, why do we celebrate the hundredth anniversary, but not the ninety-ninth or the hundred eleventh? What's the difference? There really isn't, is there? After all, one hundred is just a number. It doesn't have any real significance.

To me, it just feels like we love any number that's divisible by twenty-five. We'll celebrate the twenty-fifth anniversary, the fiftieth anniversary, and even the freaking seventy-fifth. And seventy-five sucks! But by God, do we love one hundred. If neighbors were people, one hundred would be the town slut.** Everyone's gotta celebrate one hundred? What has one hundred ever done for the world? Besides being a convenient go-to when you need a cheap thrill.

Honestly, it's only because we put so much emphasis on ten. If ten wasn't so important to our calculations, we wouldn't have to deal with one hundred and all his elitist bullcrap. Ten tries so hard to keep his damn son under control, I know, but they need some counseling or something.***

*These two things are pretty much synonymous at this point.
**For those of you wondering, seventy-five is the douchebag that everyone seems to like for some reason. Also, twenty-three might have mob connections and thirty-seven shot my dog.
***I'm going to get committed for talking like this some day.

The Lane Is Tilted

You know what's incredibly boring? Bowling. This doesn't mean that it isn't fun to play. It certainly can be, and I imagine it's mind-blowing when you're high, but it's not very exciting, is it? I mean, it's basically rolling a heavy ball along the floor at some painted pieces of wood. There's really not a whole lot going on, right? There's no really no direct competition between the players, is there? Any sport that could be played over webcam probably isn't very involved.

Well, I call it a sport, but it really isn't, is it? It doesn't really take a whole lot of physical exertion. Once you get the whole "moving your arm back and forth" thing down, it's really not much of a struggle. Not a whole lot of sweating going on when you're bowling. And you get to sit down for pretty long periods of time if you're in a big game. Actually, that's the worst part about bowling. When it isn't your turn, it's boring as hell.

So I think there are some ways it could be improved. Somehow, I think it needs to be a contact sport. I mean, this is a game that has equipment that can weigh up to thirty pounds, and we're doing nothing about that! Make people dodge the bowling ball. Make it so that you have to roll it while running at a full sprint. Make it be done without the ball entirely, and the pins are all giant pillars that you have to slide into. There really isn't actually any reason to do any of this. I just like seeing stupid people getting hurt.

Arguing Semantics for No Fun and No Profit

If you're in a cave, are you considered to be inside or outside? It's kind of hard to say, isn't it? I mean, you're in a shelter, I guess, but it's still probably pretty cold and wet. That seems more outside. What if you're standing near the entrance to the cave?* Does that count as being both somehow? Seems like it should. Okay, let's say you're inside of a tunnel, and you're directly in the middle. Or how about if you're underground in some sort of cavern? Are you inside or outside? You have to be one or the other, because I don't think it can be neither. Or both, actually.

Okay, if you're in a car, and it's moving, do you consider yourself to be moving? Or is it just the car? And if you're walking down the aisle of a train, the opposite direction from which the train is going, which direction are you moving? I guess it depends on if you're moving faster than the train right? But then that goes back to the previous question, because it depends on whether or not you count the train moving as you moving.

If you're in an elevator going down, and you jump, are you considered to be in floating for a second? If you had a really really fast elevator that went down at the same speed as you were falling, would you be flying? And when you hit the ground, would you die? I think you would. Physics doesn't make sense to me.**

*This also applies to standing in the doorway of a building. Where exactly are you?
**Other terrible idea: Deploying a parachute moments before hitting the ground.

This Blog Post May or May Not Get You High

So how does it make any sense whatsoever that it's illegal to use marijuana recreationally, yet it's incredibly easy to just go to a clinic and get a prescription for the stuff? I recall hearing somewhere* that you can pretty much go to a marijuana clinic and have them prescribe weed for virtually any problem you might have, because the official statements on what exactly medical marijuana is supposed to do are a bit shaky. So the stuff is stupidly easy to get, and honestly, who the hell is going to know if you're going to be using it recreationally or not? What are they going to do, follow you home? And if they ask about, the most righteous thing to do, naturally, is lie.**


 So this begs the question of why exactly marijuana needs to be illegal in the first place. I've already covered the fact that this completely contradicts alcohol and cigarretes being legal, but that's just one of the problems. I mean, the types of people who use marijuana aren't exactly the type of people who give one damn about the law, and they're just going to do it anyway.*** So not only is getting it the legal way and just lying about it incredibly easy to do if you're over 18,**** and anybody under 18 just sort of ignores the law, what exactly is the point?

Unfortunately, getting this kind of legalization law passed would be almost impossible, because the type of people who smoke marijuana generally aren't the type of people who know how to vote. Or leave the house.

*Somewhere in this context meaning "from my mom:".
**This applies to most situations, except when it doesn't, which is all the time.
***Note that this does not work with every law. "People who are murderers don't care about the law, so killing people should be legal." The problem there is that people who are murderers are simply immoral or amoral, and are just afraid or getting caught. People who smoke weed just want to be able to forget that they serve grilled cow ass to screeching children at McDonald's for awhile.
****I think. Can anyone verify if this is indeed the way the clinics work?

Prepare To Be Educated

So what exactly is the point of making PE a requirement in high school? I just can't figure who is supposed to be benefiting from it. I mean, pretty much everyone hates doing it, right? And while that applies to most classes, in this case, they don't even have the half-assed excuse that they're "educating" us. So what are we accomplishing?

Basically, the problem that I see is that the kids who do well in PE don't really need the help, do they? I mean, if you're pumping out six-minute mile times and leaving all the fat kids in the dust, you're probably already taking a sport of some kind, aren't you? And if not, then you're one of those lucky bastards that stays healthy no matter what they do, so you don't really need it in either case. And if you are one of the aforementioned fat kids in the aforementioned dust, you probably aren't going to be helped by pretending to run for an hour a day. Seriously, these kids don't try, because they don't give a damn. And why should they? They know they're wasting their time. At leas they're honest about it.

This is also completely beside the fact that it's completely crap that this sort of thing is factored into your GPA.* It's already stupidly difficult to get into a good college these days, why do they have to aggravate it by screwing over the kids that can't run fast.** Isn't school supposed to be about knowledge? Yeah yeah, it totally isn't, but you know what, I can buy the bull sometimes. But not this bull.

*This is completely true, and there are schools that grade you on your mile times, without any sort of sliding scale, mine included. Thank God for marching band. Loopholes ahoy!
**You laugh, but acceptance offices can be bitches about this kind of stuff. "You have a 3.99 GPA? DENIED!"

Footnote Fever

I don't really understand why people are so obsessed with footnotes.* I mean, what exactly is their advantage over parenthetical statements?** I mean, does forcing the reader to skip down to the bottom of the page really add to the experience that much?*** Or is it just sort of a stylistic choice?**** Where did the idea even come from?***** I just don't really see the point.******

I mean, it sort of makes sense if it's one of those ridiculously long footnotes,******* but in that case, couldn't it just be it's own paragraph?******** It just seems kind of ridiculous to me that it's even necessary to have those.********* And what about when there's like fifty footnotes in one article, or something like that?********** It's like, can't people learn to format their work better, instead of making it look like a friggin' menu?***********

Man, whoever invented footnotes need to die.************

*Hey, look at that. I didn't open a post with a stupid question this time. Do I get bonus points for that? No? Well, I should.
**This is probably the nerdiest possible way to say "something in parentheses".
***Is this the stupid opening question? Not sure what it's doing as the third sentence. Know your place, stupid question.
****The style, of course, being obnoxious pretentiousness. As if there's any other kind.
*****It was probably those damn homosexuals again.
******This actually applies to most things.
*******Ever read something like an Annotated Shakespeare. THERE'S some long footnotes for ya. Like, damn.
********This doesn't actually make any sense. Please amuse yourself by pretending that it does.
*********You know what else would be ridiculous? Complaining about it. Don't you hate it when people complain about stuff that doesn't matter. I sure do.
**********You have no idea how much this annoys me. Seriously, it's one of the most grating things in the world.
***********Actually this doesn't make any sense either. I don't know what kind of restaurant would have a menu like that. A very strange restaurant. I want to go there now.
************With apologies to the inventor of the footnote. I'm sure you're a lovely rotting corpse.

Explosions II: Return of the Gun

Why do people always complain whenever a big, dumb action movie comes out? I mean yeah, they're stupid, but I honestly don't understand what the problem is. Usually when you see the trailer for these kinds of movies, you can pretty much tell what they're going to be like. They're going to be full of explosions, cliches, boobs, and not much else. They will also be AWESOME.

I mean, don't we sort of need movies like this? First of all, they fill a very important niche. Every now and then, you really do just feel like turning your brain off and watching something vapid and stupid. Is it artistic? No. Intellectual? Of course not. But it's fun. If watching a deep, thought-provoking film is reading a piece of classical literature, then watching a stupid action movie is reading the newspaper comics. And sometimes, that's perfectly fine.

More importantly, they also provide a fantastic contrast with movies that have complex storylines. If we don't have stupid stuff like this, there isn't anything to compare them with that makes them great. For someone to be on top, someone else has to be on the bottom.* This is sort of a nice variation of the "There has to be evil for there to be good" idea. This is more along the lines of "There has to be stupid, mindless crap for there to be philosophical pretentiousness".

*No. Get your head out of the gutter.

Milking The People Part 2

If our teeth completely rot and fall out if we don't brush them every day, how exactly have we survived this long?* Again, this makes me wonder if human beings just totally suck, or if we just didn't live long enough back then for it to matter. I mean sure, dogs get pretty crappy teeth later in life, but that's when they're pretty close to death, and they only live for about twenty years, tops. And I know that our teeth don't rot away THAT fast, but they do get pretty messed up rather quickly.**

I don't actually know if all animals have this problem. If they do, why does this part of the body suck so much? Yes, your body deteriorates as you age, but usually things don't start rotting away until you die. Teeth go through a lot, obviously, but then how did they end up like this? That doesn't seem evolutionarily sound to me.***

This sort of thing just makes me realize how little I know about my own body, which is slightly worrying. Shouldn't I know how I work? Perhaps not, but that's a little scary. I pretty much don't know anything about how anything works. Actually, that would probably make a pretty good tagline.

*You may have noticed that the title of this post doesn't actually relate to the content of it. This is mostly because it's actually pretty similar to the original "Milking The People", but unfortunately, "Milking The People" was apparently written on "National Terrible Blog Post Title Day".
**This is supposedly why George Washington had fake teeth, although I may have made this up.
***Guess who knows pretty much nothing about how evolution actually works? This guy!

Please Remove Your Pants

What's the deal with the whole "hats off inside" thing? How is a hat different from any other article of clothing? What if my hat completes my outfit?* I just don't really understand what it has to do with manners. Why is it rude to wear a hat inside? What's disrespectful about that? It's just a piece of clothing. Maybe if I was wearing a hat with "YOUR MOM IS A SLUT"** written on it, that might be a bit rude, but as it stands, I don't really see what the problem is.

I also find it extremely strange that this is so persistent at schools. I mean, school is a pretty casual thing these days, isn't it? I mean, you can pretty much dress like a prostitute and no one will care,*** but we still have to take off our hats when we go inside the classroom. And I just can't figure out why. Out of respect? Respect for who exactly? The teacher? When was the last time we had any respect for teachers?**** Well, I guess the school wants to pretend that we do, which sort of explains it, but what exactly is disrespectful about wearing a hat? Nothing.

Of course, at my school, we aren't allowed to wear hats at all. Because, according to the administration, if you wear a hat, you're in a gang. My fedora clearly marks me as a member of the dangerous "Jazz Enthusiast" gang. Don't hate.*****

*Quite possibly the gayest thing I have ever written.
**Ten bucks to whoever makes this hat and wears it to a fancy gathering. Like a funeral.
***You girls totally do this. Don't deny it.
****I have nothing against teachers. Well, not teachers in general. Most of them put up with a lot of crap for little pay, and the ones who genuinely want to teach children new things are fine by me, but you have to admit that some of them are just freaking sadistic. And I think it's wrong to be forced to respect someone who's just downright evil. Sounds pretty "North Korea" to me.
*****Do you think there are enough footnotes in this one? No? Here's another.

Twenty Pound Clearance Limit

So, what exactly are you supposed to do when you see those signs that say "Clearance: 10 Feet", and you're driving a semi down the highway? I mean, you can't exactly make a u-turn on the freeway, can you? No, I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to do that.* So what are you supposed to do? You'd think truck drivers would just plan ahead in the first place, but then that raises the question of what the point of having the signs is in the first place.

It's the same thing with those bridges that have a weight limit. What are you supposed to do in this situation? Take the bed off the back of the truck? Actually, I'm not sure if a truck driver would even KNOW the weight of their truck. You'd think that would change depending on what they were carrying, wouldn't it? Maybe trucks can fly, and they just don't want anybody to know about it, so they just do it when no one's looking. Wait, no, that's stupid. Trucks are far too heavy too fly.**

So why do these signs even exist? Are they just there to taunt to the truck drivers? "HA HA YOU'RE GONNA DIE AND YOU CAN'T DO NOTHIN' ABOUT IT!" Maybe the people who are in charge of putting up street signs really hate truck drivers. Maybe truck drivers killed the Street Sign Committee's*** father. That seems like a perfectly logical explanation to me.

*Actually, pulling a u-turn in a semi sounds pretty difficult. I imagine truck drivers just never make mistakes. Ever.
**That sound you hear is the joke going over everyone's head. Including mine.
***May or may not be a real organization.

The Universe Is Broken Part 4

Have you ever thought about the fact that your body appears to be magic or something? I mean, think about your eyes. How in the hell do eyes work? Sure, you could on about how it's all about your brain receiving the information, but how does your brain do that?

Actually, the brain in general is pretty mind-blowing.* Have you ever realized just how insane it is? Do you have any idea how the hell your brain works? And no, the answer is not "brain cells" or "synapses", because then you have to ask how THOSE work. And then you just sort of start crying.

There's also ears. Ears just don't make any goddamn sense. Sound is just freakin' weird. The world is just utterly insane. Have a nice day.

This blog post written on an iPod while riding a bus hurtling down the Pacific Coast Highway at 11 PM. This pretty much explains absolutely everything about it.

*Shut up.

In Capitalist America, Business Screws YOU Part 2

Does anyone know why we still use those weird outlets that go where the cigarette lighters used to go in cars? I don't drive, so I basically know nothing about cars, so does anyone know why we don't just use standard outlets in cars?* You'd think that would make things a lot easier, wouldn't you?

Maybe they just want to force us to use the pain-in-the-ass car adapters. Those things are pretty stupidly expensive for something that shouldn't even have to exist. It would be pretty devious of them to keep that stupid tradition alive just to squeeze more money out of us. And after all, isn't that what business is all about? Screwing people out of their money? You bet your ass it is. If you don't think it is, you don't know enough about business.**

It's pretty messed up, really, the way they do that. It's the same way light bulb companies make lightbulbs deliberately crap so that we have to buy more of them. We HAVE the technology to make lightbulbs that essentially last forever, but they don't make them. Because then they'd go out of business. Maybe they could just hire in to sneak into your house and break your lightbulbs.***

*Prediction: Someone will answer this question in the comments with one sentence, therefore making this entire post completely pointless. Don't let me down, Anonymous Correction Man.
**On an unrelated note, I know nothing about business.
***If you mention those stupid Stride gum commercials I will strangle you.

Very Obvious Observation

Why do we tolerate cats? Do they DO anything for us? Not really. I mean, mostly they just sleep and eat food. I mean, that's the only thing most pets do, but most pets also do not periodically attack you. So we basically keep cats in our house so that they can take up space on our beds and bite us. This does not make any sense to me whatsoever, and yet I have two of them. And they're awesome.

I think it's because cats represent everything that we wish we could have in life. They have no responsibilities, they can sleep for twenty hours straight, and they can impose their will on other people just because they're cute. The only type of people that can accomplish any of the things on this list are children and prostitutes.* And neither of them are particularly pleasant. I mean, one smells and tries to cheat you out of your money, and the other is a joke that's way too easy.**

There's also the fact that they just seem to have absolutely no reason for doing anything they do. They have like a whole bunch of weird crap left over in their heads from evolution. So now they get to chase corks around the floor and sleep in cardboard boxes. I'm sure we could waste stupid amounts of money on figuring out why. Or we could do something beneficial to humanity, but that would be a lot less funny.

*Children prostitutes? No. Get off of my website you sick bastard.
**If you didn't get this, it's okay. I worded it pretty poorly.