Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Save the Monsters

 Why are we still trying to protect pandas? I'm not saying that endangered species lists as a whole are stupid, but why are we so focused on pandas? The thing is, pandas kind of suck. They really don't have any evolutionary advantage over any other animal, do they? The damn things are fat, lazy, and most of all, stupid. Listen, any animal that flat-out REFUSES TO BREED probably needs to die out. We aren't doing them any favors by keeping them alive.

Look, we all know exactly why these stupid animals are being protected, right? Can we just admit to ourselves that the only reason way more efforts are being put into saving them than saving say, Tasmanian devils* is because pandas are cute. That's it. We like them because they're so goddamn cute. I wouldn't have a problem with that, but they don't do ANYTHING ELSE. Dolphins are cute, but at least dolphins can kick some ass. But because we value appearance over ever single other factor,** they get to live.

Think about it, would people be obsessed with saving the pandas if they had no hair, red eyes, and twelve foot claws?*** Of course not, because they would be terrifying. We'd be too busy trying to shoot the ugly bastards.

*Despite the fact that Tasmanian devils are totally freaking badass. They can scream loud enough to pop your ear drums. That's hardcore.
**Except possibly patriotism, which is why we aren't allowed to barbecue bald eagles.
***The claws are brittle, so the pandas still can't fight.

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