What exactly was going through the head of the guy who invented the Segway? Okay, so we know that he totally thought that Segways were going to be the future, right? And I'm not really sure where he got that idea from, because there are about eight hundred sixty five million reasons why that's completely stupid. I counted. But that would take awhile to explain, so let's focus on the big ones.*
Okay, first of all, we have to wonder if this guy's ultimate goal was to completely replace walking altogether, or completely replace cars altogether. No matter what, he pretty much failed on both accounts. The Segway is not capable of riding across anything besides flat surfaces,** so it's pretty much impossible for it to replace walking.*** And obviously, the stupid things are too damn slow to replace cars. Also, they suck in pretty much every way compared to cars. Can't replace wheelchairs because they require legs. Can't replace bikes because bikes are faster and look less retarded.
And that brings us to the most important point. It is literally impossible to ride on a Segway without looking like a massive tool. There have been studies to prove it.**** Also, if you wear a helmet while riding one, there is no help for you. Go back into your house, lock the door, curl up in the corner, and try to will yourself out of existence. I'd suggest killing yourself, but you're riding a Segway. You probably wouldn't be able to figure out how.*****
*Yes, this has been done thousands of times. Many, many, many, MANY websites have written "SEGWAYS R STOOPID LAWL" bits, and you know what? I'm writing one of those too. Sue me.
**This isn't ENTIRELY true, but it's true enough for the point to still stand, so it doesn't really matter.
***I can't believe I just wrote that sentence. God DAMN is that depressing. Just...wow. We need to get it together guys.
****Note that "studies" in this context means "making fun of people at the beach".
*****Does pointing out the fact that a joke is tasteless make it any less tasteless? No? Dammit.
I'm surprised you left out the part about the top guy in the company that makes them rode one of them off a cliff and died. So when I read your line about what was going through his mind, my thought was, "Well, when he hit bottom, probably his ass!!"
ReplyDelete