Shallow Space

So have we all just kind of given up on space travel? I mean, we went to the moon, and that was awesome, but we haven't really done much since then. Sure, we've LEARNED a lot about space. And we take pictures of galaxies that are retardedly far away. Not to mention the Mars probes, which kick several different varieties of ass. The thing is, we don't really GO anywhere anymore. We just send people up to the space station and take pictures, which is fine, but it's getting old.

This isn't to say we aren't trying. I know that NASA desperately wants to get people on Mars, but we just don't have the technology for it. The problem is that they don't have enough funding to get this kind of work done. And since we're not competing with the Russians for stupid crap anymore, the government isn't exactly in a hurry to give them any money, since getting to Mars, while cool, won't really benefit us in anything BUT astronomy. Or so they think.

Honestly, I think we need to get busy on this. We're eventually going to have to move, right? Earth is going down eventually, so we got to find somehere else to go. If not Mars, then let's think long-term. Going to other galaxies and all that crap. Warp travel. Hell yeah.*

*I am aware that basically nothing I have said is accurate. I really just want life to be like "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy".

Flocking Shift

Who exactly decided what constitutes a swear word? Was it just some sort of unananimous decision by a group of people? They just decided that certain words are really bad, and you just shouldn't be allowed to say them? I mean obviously some of them, like the n-word*, have historical background that make it reasonable that they shouldn't be mentioned, but some of the others I'm still trying to puzzle out. Any of them that are racial slurs of some kind make sense, but otherwise, it can get confusing.

For example, why is it so horrible to call someone a bitch? I can call someone a jerk, but not a bitch. Okay, so maybe comparing someone to a dog is kind of rude, but I can call someone a female dog and no one will care.

What about "ass"? Why can you say "butt", but you can't say "ass"? What's the difference? They mean the same damn thing, don't they? So what's the issue?

It's weird how we are perfectly fine with using euphemisms when they mean the same thing. Connotations be damned, this is a load of....poop.**

*I'm just hoping we can all be mature about this, alright?
**Honestly, I think a terribly executed joke is an excellent way to end ANYTHING.

Water is Scary

So why are we so terrified of sharks? I'm not saying that they aren't inherently scary. Those bastards are pretty freaking scary-looking. And it doesn't help that they're pretty damn efficient killing machines. But that's the thing, they're extremely efficient at killing their PREY. Sharks are not our natural predators, and therefore don't really make it a point in attacking us. Sure, it happens on occasion, but usually it's because they think the guy's a seal or something.

I don't remember the exact figures, but sharks kill an extremely small number of people every year. And yet anytime someone does get killed, the media freaks the hell out and starts screaming about how people better watch out, or they could get eaten. I think we'll probably be alright.

Honestly, I blame Spielberg for this.* It's probably just a urban legend, but I heard once that apparently people terrified to even go in their BATHTUBS because of Jaws, which is frankly embarassing for the human race. The human race needs to get out more.

If I can anyone here complaining about me being insensitive towards the families of shark attack victims, I will consider that my official welcome to the Internet.

*I've mentioned a Spielberg film twice this week. I have no idea what that means.

Happy Bird Murder Day

Why the hell do we celebrate Thanksgiving? I'm not complaining per se, because I do actually enjoy it. I'm just wondering WHY we do it. What are we celebrating? A bunch of immigrants comind over to have dinner with some Indians and then slaughtering them next year? Um....yay?

And it's barely even a holiday tradition! Christmas we exchange gifts, Halloween we get candy, Fourth of July we blow crap up, Valentine's Day we make single people uncomfortable. But what about Thanksgiving? All we do is eat a lot of food. Most of us do that every day anyway.

We totally need to come up with a Thanksgiving myth. Like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. How about the Thanksgiving Assassin Turkey? That's why we eat him. He was trying to break in and strangle Grandpa with chickenwire. Every year.

Bringing it Back

So we're probably eventually going to be able to clone dinosaurs pretty soon here, right? I've heard from a reliable source* that this is true, so I'm assuming we're going to happen pretty soon here. So I'm just wondering who exactly thought this was a good idea. Okay yes, I get it. Dinosaurs kick all kinds of ass. But there is no way this is going to end well.

And I'm not even talking about how it's all gonna end up like Jurassic Park and that we're all going to die. The only reason anyone died in that movie was due to terrible understaffing and lack of proper safety measures. I'm just wondering how we're planning on getting away with this. I mean, we've already got a crapload of endangered species, right? So, what the hell, right?

I'm not even crazy about animal rights and wildlife preservation and all that. I'm not AGAINST them, I'm just not super focused on it. But like, isn't this going to totally screw up the ecosystem and crap if they put them in the wild? And if they keep them in the zoo, well that's a pretty cruel thing to do then, isn't it? Clone them back them into existence just to stick them in zoos.

Oh wait, science and ethics are no longer on speaking terms. Nevermind.

*Cracked.com is a reliable source, right?

The Official Language Is Java

So why exactly are people rallying for English to become the official language of the United States? I'm not taking sides on that either way, because I totally understand where both viewpoints are coming from. On the one hand, the majority of the population does speak English, so it sort of makes sense. On the other hand, we were built entirely by immigrants, so it seems kind of weird for us to have an official language at all.* What I don't understand, however, is why we need an official language in the first place.

And I'm not insulting anybody in this case. I would honestly like to know. Would having English as our official language change anything at all? Is it some sort of legal thing? Because it seems to me like it would mean absolutely nothing to the average person. I'm assuming that it has to do with our relationships with other countries, right? But why should that affect us in any way whatsoever? What would that change for us? I don't really know.

Is it just the principle of the matter? Because I can sort of understand that. I mean, if we're fighting over just the idea of it all, that sort of makes sense. It makes it more banal and stupid, but it at least makes sense. Sort of.

I'm serious, by the way. If anyone can clear this up for me, that would be greatly appreciated. Unless you're going to be a condescending dick about it, in which case don't bother.

*This same argument works for the illegal immigration debate, which I have also not made up my mind about, although I do know for a fact that it is incredibly stupid.

An Entirely Different Entirely Different Post

Seriously, what exactly is going on with third party candidates? Are they all just daydreaming or something? Are they living in some sort of fantasy world? I'm not even trashing their politics, because I know next to nothing about them. I'm just trying to figure out just what the hell they're thinking.

I remember reading somewhere that the Green Party candidate got almost seven percent of the vote in the 2008 presidential election. The members of the Green Party? They were ecstatic about that. And I just can't figure that out? What are they celebrating exactly? The fact that it was more than last time?* Well, sure, that sort of makes sense, but seriously? Seven percent?** You're really going to get excited about that? That's like a little kid being happy that his mother didn't try to kill him on his birthday again this year.*** Kind of depressing.

I just can't puzzle out what exactly they're trying to accomplish. It can't be to win. Their being happy about those numbers doesn't make sense if that's the case. And they have to realize that it's impossible to win if almost everyone voting doesn't even know you exist, right? RIGHT?

Right...

*They got about four percent in the 2004 election, if I recall correctly.
**The actual number was something around 6.8, but shut up, I'm trying to make a point.
***Sleep tight tonight.

An Entirely Different Post

What exactly are people trying to accomplish with campaign signs? I mean do they really think that passing by a sign that says "Vote for Steve", that's really going to change somebody's mind? You could say that they're just trying to "show their support", but you know how you really show your support? You get off your ass and you vote for what you think is right. That seems pretty damn intuitive to me.

And you know what? We can probably just throw campaign ads in there too. I don't mean the ones for the Propositions and those kinds of things, because without them we'd probably have no idea what any of them were about. I'm talking about the ones for people running for office. People just aren't swayed by these things because they know who they're voting for as soon as the candidates are even announced. If you're conservative, you vote Republican. If you're liberal, you vote Democrat. If you're politically-minded and/or pretentious enough to identify as independent, then you've probably done all of your research and know who you want to choose. If you like a third party candidate, you drown yourself in a lake while weeping softly to yourself.* Even in the primary elections, you should be smart enough to learn enough about the candidates and make a decision for yourself. If you aren't, then you also probably haven't figured out how to fill in the little bubble at the polling place.

And then you realize the problem. Think about how much money is wasted on these stupid ads. With all of the controversy going on about the millions of dollars spent on these wastes of air-time, did no one ever stop to realize that it's worse, because they don't even have a purpose. People...

*I'd actually like to talk about third party candidates, but that also warrants it's own personal thrashing.

Go Back To Sleep Sheeple

I don't understand the 9/11 Truthers. I mean obviously these people are completely and utterly insane, but even the ones who are just mildly insane don't make sense to me. I'm wondering how exactly these people even reach their conclusions. Even if their thought processes are about as reliable as Shaq making a free throw.*

Okay, so let's say that yes, 9/11 was an inside job by the government to....um, do they actually say what the government's GOAL was with this? Whatever, it doesn't matter. Let's just say it was to kill a lot of people. That makes sense. Anyway, if the American government was completely corrupt** and all politicians just wanted us all dead, wouldn't they have done something like this earlier? And more often? And on a larger scale? It's not like they're limited in their reach, it's the friggin' American government! The bastards have more power than every European country put together!***

Okay, so let's say they did it to, I dunno, instill fear into the hearts of the American populace. What exactly do they gain from doing that? Just to make us think that it was terrorists, so that they could have an excuse to deploy more troops. Well, big news here guys, we don't actually have control over that. We can piss and moan all we want, but unless the president is impeached, we can't do anything about it. So what then?

I'd also discuss the fact that they seem to be trying to convert other people to insanity, not realizing that all the crazy people ALREADY THINK THIS. They have all the numbers they're going to get. But I think that warrants an entirely different post.

*Dammit, I don't even WATCH sports. Why do I KNOW that?
**Rather than kind of corrupt, like it is now.
***May or may not be complete crap.

Everyone Is A Gray Blob

When you think about it, doesn't it seem really, really strange that certain people can sing and certain people can't? I mean obviously there are some people that just have voices that sound terrible when singing, but shouldn't we all be able to hit certain pitches? And if not that, at least have the same amount of control over our vocal chords as everyone else does?

Same thing with stuff like drawing. If we're all members of the same species, shouldn't we all have the same amount of motor control,* even if some of us are less creative? Why is there so much variety in the skills in individual human beings, physically? Not that this is a bad thing, of course, but doesn't that seem kind of weird? No? It's just me?

Do other animals have this same thing? Are there certain tigers that are just completely crap at hunting? Are there really slow fish? Or are they more similar? I don't know, I'm not a biologist. Or a zoologist. Or whatever they're calling it this week.

Actually, I think having this kind of variety would be a pretty good survival advantage. Having different skills makes the species as a whole would be difficult to hunt, due to having such massive differences in tactics, making the hunt different every time. Or maybe I don't know anything and should shut up.

*Barring disorders and other terrible stuff.

This Is Not Gun Control

Does anybody else ever wonder what exactly the point of having a waiting period for purchasing firearms is? I would honestly like to know if I'm just missing something here. I mean, there has to be some kind of reasoning for it, right? Like, we didn't just come up with a completely arbitrary rule under the thin pretense that it's going to make us safer somehow, right? Oh, wait....

But seriously, how exactly is this supposed to work? Do they think that by making people wait to get their guns, this will somehow make them less likely to kill people? I mean sure, it might give the occasional person time to think, and possibly change their minds about it*, but if somebody has already been considering murder long enough to go out and buy a gun, I'm pretty sure they're already out of their minds, and are probably going to do something else illegal anyway. So what's the point?

My theory is that just want to make it a massive pain in the ass to get a gun. And actually, that's an idea I can get behind. Let's take it even farther. Let's make it so that not only do you have to fill out all those registration forms, they have to be done by hand, and only in purple ink. And you have to deliver them to the post office on foot or else it doesn't count. And you need exactly 47 stamps on the envelope. And you have to mail it at exactly 3:57 PM on a Sunday. Just make it a bitch to do. We can keep some of the crazies out. Barring the sociopaths, crazies are pretty impatient. That's why they kill people.

*This is actually my other theory, which I reached for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Massive Pricks

I don't understand bees. I mean, I can't what they're doing with pollen, that makes sense.* And sure, the whole thing they do with honey is pretty sweet.** Hell, I can even get behind the whole "hundreds of members of my male harem" thing that the queen bees got going on. Hive mind is actually sort of badass, if creepy. What I don't understand is the stingers. Why do they feel the need to do this?

See, with most animals that can create some sort of poison, it's for self-defense. They use it to protect themselves from dumbasses trying to smash them with bricks. But with bees, this doesn't make any sense, because once they sting you, they die anyway. So what do they gain from it?

And they usually do it for almost no reason at all. Do they just have personal space issues, and don't even want anyone near them. They would rather die than be touched, like the opposite of a desperate high-schooler. I just can't figure them out.

I'm beginning to think that bees are just incredibly vengeful little bastards. They sting you just to spite you, because they want you to be in mild discomfort for a week after you dared to interrupt their job which they gain absolutely nothing from before dying a lonely death without ever knowing the touch of a male bee.***

*Honestly, pollination is one of the best arguments for the existence of some sort of higher power. The fact that the bees just happen to do this on accident just seems a little too perfect and worked out.
**No pun intended, I swear.
***I've changed my mind. Hive minds are retarded.

The Future Is Right Now

Have you ever thought about how weird touchscreens are? I'm not talking about resistive touchscreens, like the DS and those PDAs used. The kind where there's a small gap between two sperate screens. Those make perfect sense to me. I'm talking about the tempered glass style, where it feels like you're just jabbing your thumb into a bit of window. I swear to God, this has to be magic somehow.*

I think we've officially reached the future at this point. We have mobile devices that can do almost anything, we have planes that can break the sound barrier, we consider going to the moon "history", we can porn DELIVERED TO OUR HOUSES. It just gets a bit ridiculous. Even people who bitch and moan about how we don't have jetpacks should be able to realize how much our technology has advanced. Read some old Asimov novels and tell me we aren't just a few years away from that, or even already there.

And you know, they're still in the developmental stages, but yeah, we have robots. Sure, we've always had them, but I think you know what I'm talking about. Servant robots. Robot butlers. Pretty soon here, stupid boring jobs will all be done by robots. And teenagers are going to get screwed out of jobs.

I can't tell whether or not this is awesome.

*To get the full effect, I typed this on a touchscreen. It was trippy.

Taking Me Kind of Seriously

I just sort of recently realized how very, very strange it is that being naked in public is illegal. I'm not saying I'm not glad it is. After all, there are definitely people that make the existence of clothing a Godsend, but just think about it for a second. We are not legally allowed to walk around in our natural state. Doesn't that just sound extremely odd? Like, we as a society have reached a point where going out in public without something man-made on you is not just frowned upon, it's outright banned. That just seems really weird to me.

I wonder if people like businessman and politicians ever think about the fact that we're animals. Do they even realize that? No matter how "civilized" we are, we're still animals. And hell, you can see it in all the crap we pull. We slaughter members of our own species for personal gain, we rape, we burn things for entertainment, we have reality TV and ENJOY IT. I mean, how can we call ourselves a civilized society when that stuff still goes on.

And I know some people would argue that THEY themselves don't do that. But, so? I mean, let's think this through for a second. Okay, so wolves kill people. They have in the past, and they still do. But not ALL wolves kill people. In fact, only rabid wolves have killed people.* But what do we say about that? Do we say "these specific wolves have killed people"? Of course not, we just say "wolves have been known to kill people".**

"People have been known to be dicks."

*My history teacher said it. That makes it true.
**I'm not actually entirely sure if this paragraph makes any sense.

Better Than Formula One Part 3

Did you know that there is such a thing as Olympic Walking? Okay, so it's power walking, which I guess sort of makes sense, but doesn't that just sound really silly? Olympic Walking just sounds like a joke in a black comedy about an incredibly unhealthy future populace.* It doesn't sound right. Seems like a really, really stupid oxymoron. As if there's any other kind.

You know what would make it more awesome? Make it take place in the desert. And be like 100 miles, traveled over the entire run of the Olympics.** We could get all of the film from helicopters and stuff, or possibly just guys in the backs of trucks laughing and throwing things at the athletes while turning up the AC. Just make it the most challenging, balls-to-the-wall event of all time, and then see people's reactions after they had once scoffed at "Olympic Walking".

How else could we accomplish this? Weapons. Yeah, it isn't "Better Than Formula One" without the irresponsible inclusion of knives and firearms. I'm thinking for this, just give everyone one knife. Just a standard dagger.*** Then hide various weapons in separate places throughout the map, like a really tedious first-person shooter. It'd be fun! Give the competitors a choice! Do they focus on combat and try to win by default, or save their energy and attempt to reach the finish line first.

Also, there's a tank hidden somewhere or something. I don't know. I'm sure there are thousands of ways we could go nuts with this.

*Actually, does this exist somewhere? I kind of want to read it now.
** I actually have no idea if walking 100 miles would take that long, or longer, so this distance may need to be adjusted.
*** I'm just assuming you've already guessed by now that they're all allowed to kill each other.

Daylight Losings

Why the hell does daylight savings time still exist? What purpose does it serve at this point? Is it even accomplishing anything? It seems completely arbitrary. Are we just doing it out of tradition now? It sure seems like it.

I mean it used to sort of make sense. We needed the extra daylight to get more work done. I get that, but why do we still so it now? Very few Americans actual still do menial labor until late at night, and even then, we have lights now. We don't even need sunlight anymore. We can just waste abundant amounts of electricity. Let the sun stick with warmth and photosynthesis.

And if you think about it, doesn't it just seem really stupid? I mean, time is already something that we made up ourselves. Sure, days can be measured by the movement of the Earth and all that crap, but the actual numbers? That's something we came up with. So we've basically just decided that we are going to have our own man-made system for keeping time, and then change it for no reason for half a year. It just seems really weird to me.

Oh hey, by the way, do you know if it's possible to be only half-sarcastic?

Win At All Costs

I have never understood why we care about winning things so much. I'm not saying I don't understand competition in general. When there's some sort of tangible prize involved, then yeah, that makes perfect sense. But what about when there isn't? What about when there's no prize involved, and it's simply a game? How do you BENEFIT from that?

And this is not one of those situations where I'm calling out other people for being stupid. This is something that I do all the time. And I still don't really understand it. Okay, so it sort of makes sense if it's something that requires a lot of skill. If you beat someone in a game of basketball, then that proves that you're better than them, more talented. So it's an ego-stroking thing. And hey, I can behind that. That has some grounding in reality.

But what about those people that desperately want to win at things that require no skill whatsoever? Like, have you ever played poker for paper clips or something, just because you were bored? Then there's always that one guy that HAS to have more paper clips than anyone else? No? Then that guy was you.

Ever played something really stupid with one of these guys, like Candyland? Games that are literally nothing but complete and utter luck, but they just HAVE to be the winners. Why? Why is it necessary?

And these are the cases where competition is bad.

In Capitalist America, Business Screws YOU

So, is Coinstar just the most evil thing ever invented by capitalism, or is it just me? For those of you who have blocked it out of your brains, Coinstar is a machine that many grocery stores have that will take your change and convert it into paper money. Sounds pretty convenient right? Wrong. They charge you for this service. The grocery stores themselves set this rate, and according to this random guy on the internet, the average is about a 6% charge. That's a bit ridiculous, isn't it?

I mean yes, they have to make money somehow, or else their business model kind of fails, but why should this even exist in the first place? Banks will gladly do this for free! Hell, you can probably convince the cashier to do it if it's one of the "bored teenager" type of cashiers, rather than the "crotchety old person" type of cashier. So how did this idea come about? Who thought that people would pay for this? They are, of course, a very smart person, because people totally do pay for this.

It's what I like to call the "Bottled Water Principle". Any company can make you pay for anything you could get for free if they can convince you it's better somehow. Yeah, guess what? Tap water really isn't that bad. And if you honestly think that it's going to kill you, then think about how perhaps somebody would have sued somebody already if it could. Quit being such a whiner and drink the damn water. "Mountain springs" are full of deer pee anyway.

I mean Christ, how about pay toilets? Are you seriously going to make us pay to perform basically bodily functions? Yes, pay toilets are the prostitutes of the toilet industry, which is apparently a very economically stimulating business.

Taking Me Seriously Part 3

Why do people keep going on about how the reason we're in Iraq is because we're trying to install a Democracy? There are at least three things wrong with that. First of all, why is it even our business? Isn't that what got us screwed over in Vietnam? Sticking our stupid noses in other people's business? Gee, wasn't that the first and so far only war we've ever lost? Shouldn't that say something about what a stupid idea it was? And here we are, doing it again. Yes, I know things suck over there, and we want to be the big heroes again like we were in World War II, but that's not going to happen here. Because no other country thinks this was a good idea.

Second of all, why are these people lying to themselves? They should know damn well why we're in there. It's because we're paranoid, and we don't want anybody having bigger boots than us. Some people who may or not be from Iraq came in and destroyed one* of our buildings. And what's the good old-fashioned American response for that? We destroy a whole bunch of their buildings. Teach them to screw with us.**

Finally, what the hell do we know about Democracy? We don't even RUN a Democracy. We run a Democratic Republic, which is actually remarkably different. If we had an actual Democracy, we would get to vote on every single one of the president's decisions, functioning as more of a representative than an actual leader. This is actually why there are barely any real Democracies in the world. We just need SOMEONE to be in charge. Or at least feel like it.

*Well, two, technically.
**This paragraph neglects to mention oil. But yeah, we want their oil too.

Hardcore Stuff

I think a lot more sports need to go professional. At this point, barring the Olympics, there's really only about five that people actually watch, and only about three that people actually watch in America. All of them are pretty good sports. They're exciting and everything, and obviously people enjoy it. But seriously, shouldn't we have gotten tired of them by now? I mean, I seriously don't understand how people can stand to watch entire baseball games every week. It's a good game, but it's not that good. There's some things I'd rather see.

Like dodgeball for example. Wouldn't professional dodgeball just be freaking awesome? Oh sure, I bet this has been attempted before, but for it to work, they'd really need to play it up. I say make teams of ten players, with five players in at a time. Play best three out of five matches, switching players in and out between rounds as the coach sees fit. Make it the "one hit and you're out" variation, to make sure the game doesn't go on for too long. And maybe a timer, having the team with the most surviving players at the end of the round be the winner. Can you imagine how good these guys would be? If pitchers can throw a baseball over 100 miles per hour, imagine how hardcore this sport would be. Disappointed when nobody gets injured in a football game? Who cares!? That one dodgeball players will probably never be able to have solid food again! No fights in this week's hockey match? Flip over to the NDA and see someone have their face mutilated by a flying rubber ball!

How about handball? There'd be less chance for injury in this one, but if we had one-on-one, professional handball, can you imagine how insanely fast the players would be? Their reflexes would have to be absolutely godly. I want to see someone dive for a last-second save before the it hits the line. I want to see someone spike the ball into the wall so hard it flies back and smashes their opponents testicles back into their legs. There are so many possibilities for this sort of thing!

I will leave you with a few more options, best left to the imagination:
Paintball
Martial Arts
Water Polo
Tetherball
Pin the Tail on the Donkey

I'm Going as a Time Traveller

Have you ever realized how weird Halloween is? I mean, dressing up in costumes sort of makes sense, I guess. I mean yeah, sure, we've been having Masquerade Balls since like, Elizabethan times, at least*, so that works. And I guess it's kind of cool that it's "getting the crap scared out of you" themed. Sure, it's one big, nationwide Masquerade Ball with a pants-crapping theme. I can get behind that. Well, not directly behind it. Because well, ew.

But then there's the candy thing. I know, I know, you could go on for days about the roots of the holiday and all that crap, but that doesn't stop it from being weird. I mean, this is the only day of the year where you can knock on a stranger's door and expect to get free food. Every single time. This does not work on any other day of the year. Seriously, try it. If you're over the age of eighteen, you might even get arrested. Somehow.

More importantly, why are parents okay with this? Doesn't there seem to be like five-hundred different ways that wandering around the streets at night on a day where people wear masks seem a little dangerous? Maybe just a little. With the way parents are so overprotective these days, you'd think somebody would have started protesting Halloween. Actually, does anybody have any stories on that? I'd love to hear them.

*This is pretty much the only thing I can remember about "Romeo and Juliet", besides the fact that I desperately wanted to strangle Romeo to death for being such a pussy.