Time is Not the Final Frontier

What's with the obsession with time travel?* I mean obviously, I can see the appeal, but I just don't understand how it could possibly be the least bit practical. It seems like as soon as it was even close to being invented, the government would regulate the hell out of it, basically removing even the smallest bit of awesome potential it could have had. Of course, it might not have been awesome in the first place, once you consider how freaking difficult it would be to actually do anything.

First of all, going to the past would just be impossible. If it weren't, we would have seen time travelers by now.** And of course, we couldn't use it to study history, because the things that we DON'T know about history would make us stick out. A lot. Plus, if the machine goes with you, how exactly are you going to hide it? I'm pretty sure people would notice it. I imagine a time machine would have to be pretty big. Maybe that's what we could make out of all those phone booths nobody uses anymore.

Going to the future just seems sort of redundant. I mean, we're going to find out what's going to happen EVENTUALLY. Granted, it could allow us to prepare better, but if there's ever some sort of cataclysmic event, the owners of the time machine will probably all die once they arrive in the future. And I'm sure all these religious groups will get all worked up because "only God has the right to know our fate" or something like that. Basically, no one's going to fund it, and if they do, they probably won't get to tell us what they find out.

*This entire post will be written while conveniently ignoring the fact that time travel is completely impossible as far as I know. Which is not a whole lot actually.
**Or maybe not. I'm not entirely sure why you would want to come back to this time period. Maybe the entire world has been dominated by the McDonald's corporation and they want to come back to get food that doesn't taste like rat poison. This is of course ignoring the possibility that we HAVE seen them, but we just dismiss them as crazy people screaming "I'M FROM DA FOOCHUR!!" Or we've developed cloaking technology or something.

It Will Be Magic

I wonder what's going to replace the internet. It seems like every form of mass media we get is eventually replaced by something else, drastically reducing the significance and influence of the previous one. Radio replaced newspapers,* TV replaced radio, and currently, the internet is beginning to replace TV. We're sort of in a transitioning phase right now, but TV is just becoming more and more obsolete as portable devices that can get the internet are becoming ubiquitous. And see, each of these new forms of media couldn't really have been predicted so far in the future. The concepts just hadn't really even been thought up when the previous iteration had first been invented. So, what's going to replace the internet?

It's interesting, because most people you ask right now will say that the internet will never pass, and will just be around forever. While this DOES make perfect sense, it seems a little naive and presumptuous to say that, doesn't it? Like, to say that you KNOW what's going to happen. I'm not so into that. Of course, the internet will still be around, as TV, radio, and newspapers are still around, but I think something's just gotta usurp it's throne as the main source of well, everything. But what could? That's the problem. I can't know, because I'm not an inventor.

If science fiction is to believed, as it always should be, it will probably involve brain scanning in some way. I have absolutely no idea how, but apparently, it will. Sci-fi writers LOVE stuff that tracks brain waves. Personally, that sounds a bit too Orwellian to me. I'm more of an "implant an iPod right into my goddamn skin" kind of guy.

*Although this effect is, surprisingly, only really beginning to take its toll now, after help from the internet itself.

Tanning Bed

I spent hours working on that title.

So here's something extremely specific that's been bugging the hell out of me lately: leather seats. I do not understand them. Why would anyone in the world ever want leather (or faux-leather) seats? Mostly I'm talking about cars, but this also includes couches, chairs, and various vomit-stained bar stools. Why do I hate them so much? Because it's an increased price for a lower quality product.

Okay, have you ever seen a car commercial that brags about the "leather interior"? Now, at first, this seems like a good thing. Sure, leather is an expensive commodity, so leather seats should be impressive, right? Well, actually think about for a bit. Have you ever sat down on a leather car seat on a really hot day? That sucks doesn't it? It burns the hairs off your back. Not pleasant in the slightest. Alright, so now we realize how much it sucks on a hot day, but hey, a lot of things suck on a hot day. Tacos suck on a hot day, and tacos are awesome. Okay, but then remember what it's like to sit on leather when it's really cold. It feels like sitting on top of a goddamn ice cube. Cloth seats do not have this problem. Cloth seats are cheaper. I do not understand.

I have a leather couch. I hate that couch with a deep passion. There is no reason for leather couches to exist. They aren't comfortable. They're always cold. I am going to find the person who invented leather couches and go at them with a goddamn branding iron. And then maybe tan them or something....I suck at irony.

I Don't Actually Hate You

I had another weird thought, which is probably good for a website based entirely around weird thoughts (well, that and bitching). Okay, hear me out on this one, because it's a bit out there. Right, so Fundamental Christians hate gay people, right? Yes yes, they're massive dickheads, bear with me. So they claim they do because the Bible says that gay people are evil or something.* Okay, so that's absolutely balls-out retarded, but fine, whatever. Does the Bible not also say that gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins?** Alright then, now I ask you: Why don't Fundies hate fat people?

Going by what we can only strenuously call their "logic", fat people would be like a huge*** evil to them, right? I mean, they're committing one of the deadly sins ALL THE TIME. So why aren't they condemning fat people and saying that they're going to all burn in hell? Oh yeah, because that would be internally consistent, which we obviously can't have.

And if we follow this little disaster train, then I think it would be fun to make a religion that hates even more specific groups of people. Like people who like bowling and people who hate celery. And if questioned, I'll just pull out MY translation of the Bible. And then I'll say God works in mysterious ways and smack them in the face with a cross. That's totally what Jesus would have wanted.

*This may or may not be true, depending on what translation of the Bible you're reading and whether or not you are an unequivocally terrible person.
**I'm actually not sure if the deadly sins are in the Bible, or if they were something that the church came up with later. Hmm...
***Pun not actually intended at the time, but was awesome once I realized that I had made it.

Takes No Talent

I'm never really understood the argument that we can't complain about crap pop music because we listened to the same, empty junk when we were kids. Okay, yes, this is entirely true. Children basically have the music taste equivalent to a particularly stupid brick at a Christian Rock concert, but that isn't the point. Or at least, it isn't for me anyway. See, I don't care about kids who listen to worthless garbage. They're kids. They're stupid. If their parents are good at parenting, they'll grow out of it. See, my problem is with people who are in high school and still listen to this crap. The sixteen year old girls who are obsessed with Justin Bieber. THOSE people frighten me a bit.

See, I was sort of under the impression that you were only allowed listen to soulless, money-grubbing pop music as a kid, because again, kids are about as smart as a port-a-potty toilet filled with fireworks and rat poison. I thought that once you reached, say, fourteen, you were supposed to grow out of that. Start listening to something that takes some actual effort from the artist themselves. I despise rap music and how popular it is these days, but at least it requires some talent.* So I'm not entirely sure why you would still be in to stupid crap when there is systematically-proved-to-be-NOT-stupid crap readily available to you.

Also, next person who answers the question "Why do you like his music?" with "He's cute" gets one free stab in the neck. That is not an adequate reason, and you know it. So are there just no attractive guys where these girls live? Do all Justin Bieber fans live in Alabama or something?**

*Granted, a lot of them are almost completely talentless, but rapping WELL is an impressive, if useless, skill.
** "Hmmm...boast, or cheap redneck joke? Oh man, always gotta go with the redneck joke."

One More Step

So why do people keep saying that the world's going to be taken over by robots? I know, I know, like almost all of them are joking, and the ones who aren't are pretty unanimously known to be completely, brain-bendingly insane, but when have I ever backed down from making fun of crazy people? That's right, never. Well actually, sometimes, but only if the crazy person in question is actually present, in which case I just sort of keep my distance. Those people can get dangerous you know. But I digress.*

See, I can sort of believe that we will eventually be able to program AI that is smart enough to learn. Maybe. I don't know, I'm not an engineer. I understand nothing.** But I don't really think we would ever program anything to rebel. You'd think the people who are building these type of things would be more, y'know, smart. Because you kind of have to be smart to build giant robots. It kind of seems like that would be an important job requirement. Not being stupid enough to arm a genius AI with a goddamn missile.

Also, fail-safes. And the fact that since we built them, we'd probably have some way to shut the stupid things off. The robot revolution could be stopped with a couple lines of code and a remote control. And if they somehow get smart enough to reprogram themselves, it's okay, because by that point, we're not even going to be living here anymore. Mars ahoy!

*Which is something that totally doesn't happen all the time. On an unrelated note, I suck at sarcasm.
**This is actually good advice for reading this entire site. "It's okay, he doesn't actually claim to know what the hell he's talking about."

Don't Say The F-Word

What exactly is the point of censoring swear words? I don't mean like where they just totally cut out the audio or completely blank out the screen. I'm talking about partial censorship. I think you know what I'm talking about. If I type out "f*ck", what exactly is the difference between that and just using the damn word? "F*ck" leaves nothing to the imagination. You know exactly what I mean, and you pronounce it that way in your head, automatically inserting the "u" for yourself. So what the f*ck's the difference?*

It's even weirder when you hear the audio equivalent. That's when you can clearly hear somebody saying it, but they put up about one millisecond of a "beep" noise so as to not offend your grandmother. I've seen this in movies a lot too, when they've already used up their one allotted f-bomb per PG13 rating, so they "cover it up" with a loud noise,** "cover it up" being in sarcastic air quotes due to the fact that you can ALWAYS hear exactly what they're saying. But arbitrary rating requirements will be arbitrary rating requirements, so I guess it's okay.***

Of course, these complaints only apply when you're not already going with the "It's just words, chill out." argument. Oh, and by the way, it's just words, chill out.****

*Eh, you can come up with your own lampshade-hanging footnote. Get creative.
**My favorite example of this is from Live Free or Die Hard. "Yippee ki yay motherf*gunshot*er!"
***Still trying to work out how the sixth Harry Potter movie was rated PG. Damn Inferi...
****Could've sworn here. Didn't. CLASS.

Don't Say The B-Word

Okay, listen. I know it's incredibly trendy to bash the TSA right now. Every yokel on the street thinks they're so goddamn funny because they saw that one SNL skit and now think they're the goddamn queen of comedy or something.* Well you know what? I wrote an essay on that crap for English like three years ago, so screw it, I'm complaining about it anyway. I hated the TSA before hating the TSA was cool.**Or before everyone knew they were actually called the TSA.

So basically, what I really hate is the fact that airport security is basically this sort of single button issue for us. We're pretty careless with virtually everything else we do, and yet with planes, we're completely losing our minds. On a plane, everyone is a terrorist. But what about when you're just walking down the street? THOSE PEOPLE COULD BE TERRORISTS TOO. And they could probably pretty easily blow up a building if they wanted to. THEY'RE TERRORISTS. THEY HAVE BOMBS. NOT VERY HARD. And it's significantly easier to get into a high-rise than it is to get on a plane.

I just think we need to calm down a bit, you know? Sure, people might die, but we'd also be able to get to places in reasonable amounts of time. Seriously, considering how goddamn expensive it is to get on a plane these days, they could at least try to make something less than a massive pain in the ass.

*And I'm goddamn talking like goddamn Holden goddamn Caulfield. Goddamn. Phony.
**What? Stand-up comedy? What's that?

Let the Prime Minister Do His Job

Let's talk about the British royal family for a bit, shall we? I'm American, so I'm pretty sure I'm allowed to say that I don't like them without the constable coming to my house to punch my kidneys in.* But yes, they annoy me. I don't even live there and they annoy me. It has nothing to do with their personalities, because as far as I know, they don't have any. It's just sort of the nature of their existence.

See, Europeans always sort of get on our asses about how we worship famous people, don't they? They always say how we have all these people who are just sort of famous for being famous, usually giving Paris Hilton as an example. And, granted, Paris Hilton is about as useless as a bag full of dead rat skulls, but you know what? They have people like them too. Except instead of just being naturally stupid, they're all inbred and pretentious.

I just don't really understand why we still have these people anymore. They don't have any real political power, do they? The queen has about as much influence on Parliament as the UN does on the American government. Basically, they're just there to be rich and waste a lot of tax money. I mean, my God, have you seen all the crap they put together to throw their parties? Doesn't it sort of make you want to vomit blood?

Also, there's like fifty of them, and they're all named Charles or William. That shouldn't annoy me, but it does.

*This is how British law enforcement works, right?

Easily Offended

So, do you think that our whole American society thingy we got going on right now is going to go down the way the big superpowers have in the past? I mean when you think about it, we've only been around for a few hundred years. As a counterpoint, the Roman Empire was around for thousands of years. And you know what? I bet they thought they were going to last forever too. You know, the way we do now. So my question is, will that happen to us? And if so, will it happen any time soon? Personally, I think it's gonna happen eventually, but I'm still working out how exactly.

I'm thinking someone's just gotta break in and just bust us up. We're getting a bit too cocky, don't you think? Sure, we can be incredibly paranoid, especially when it comes to things like airplanes, but that's just to stop singular guys from killing large groups of people. See, because the terrorists we have these days don't have any interest in any sort of conquest. They just want to blow us up because...I dunno, we're assholes or something. No, it's not going to be those guys. I'm thinking it's gonna be someone like China. See, North Korea would be good with all their weapons and open hostility, but their ruler is almost borderline retarded, so they probably wouldn't be able to organize something like. China on the other hand seems to just really, really hate us. And they're probably hiding something, don't you think? Like rockets that run on jelly or something awesome like that.

This is of course assuming that we don't just get usurped by another species. That's actually a good question. Will we all get killed off and replaced with something new before the sun explodes and we all die? That'd be pretty interesting. I hope it's dinosaurs again. I'm sure dinosaurs will be making a comeback any day now.

You All Hate Me Now

You know, I don't think Martin Luther King Jr.* would want us to celebrate his birthday. I mean, if you look at his whole life and all the stuff he talked about, he seems like a really humble guy, doesn't he? He seems like he'd rather celebrate the RESULTS of what he did, rather than the man himself. I'm not saying he isn't worthy of praise, he unquestionably is, but this is sort of about just, how would he feel about the way we view him? He hold him up on a pedestal, and yes, he was an amazing man, but I think he would tell us that he wasn't the only one, right? That his followers and the people he inspired deserve just as much praise for their contributions as he did? I'm not trying to put words in his mouth or anything, he just seems like the kind of guy who wouldn't want people to hero worship him.

Can we please all just admit that we just wanted to have the day off? Look, I have no problem with that, but the way we "observe" it on Monday, well, it's kind of pathetic. We're just looking for an excuse to have another three day weekend on the calendar, and that's fine. But I think it's sort of disrespectful to claim that we're just doing it for MLK. That's sort of, you know, a lie.

This is unrelated, by why is Black History Month in February if we're going to be celebrating his birthday in January. I know it doesn't really matter, but that bothers me for some reason. Also, do we really need to separate out a month for Black History? Shouldn't we just sort of be respectful of that all the time? Do we really need to set aside a whole month for it? Apparently, we're all very forgetful.

*If I can get through this whole thing without offending anyone, I win.

Very Specifically

Was I the only one who thought that the world of Gattaca looked awesome instead of terrifying? For those of you who don't know, basically the movie was set in this futuristic society where genetic science technobabble crap has made it so that it so that it's possible to make babies with no genetic mutations or problems whatsoever. However, this is displayed as a terrible, horrific dystopia and honestly, I can't figure out why. I mean, yeah, the protagonist gets kind of screwed because his parents were stupid enough NOT to take advantage of this fantastic new technology, and as a result, he totally sucks, but that's just his parent's fault. The way it's portrayed, it seems like the service is available to pretty much anyone.

So basically, the filmmakers are showing a world where we can be safe from horrible, life-ruining birth defects, and then telling us that this would be a bad thing. I just really can't get my head around that. It seems like this would be the kind of thing we would want for our society. It's not like they're using it to pull crap like the Nazis did and trying to eliminate races or anything. There are clearly a variety of different people around, and they all have awesome genetic superpowers too. So what's the problem?

I kind of think it has something to do with the fact that Hollywood has pretty much decided that the future is gonna suck, so anything showing the future has to be HORRIBLE AND TORTUROUS. Even if it's totally awesome. Okay then.

Still a good movie though.

Kill 'Em All

I'm going to take a wild stance and just come out and say this: Murder is bad. We can all agree on that, right? We can all agree that murder is a really bad thing, can't we? Okay, well can at least all of us sane people agree on that? Yes? Okay, good. Next, we can also all agree that rape is bad too, right? We all don't like rape? Fantastic, we're all on the same page. If you aren't on the same page right now, kindly escort yourself to the nearest mental hospital to have horrible tests performed on you. Great, now that that guy's gone, we can also unanimously agree that the people who rape and murder other people are bad, right? Awesome, I knew I could trust you.

Alright, but now here's something that's going to be a bit tougher. Can we all agree that putting the people who are rapists and murderers to death is a really stupid idea? Okay, hear me out on this. Basically, we use the death penalty out of spite. We want to see people punished. And sure, that's awesome, but I think we're going about it all wrong. Think about it. Would you rather die right now, or spend the rest of your life in a jail cell? If you're not a moron, you'd probably pick death. It's faster and less boring. Okay, so why is the death penalty the WORST possible punishment you can get, when a lifetime in prison is obviously far more torturous. Put the rapists and murderers in jail. Oh, we're running out of room? That'll just make it even worse for them.

Of course, then we're going to enter this weird state for awhile when we'll start killing people for stealing cars and selling crack because it's better than spending the rest of your life in prison. So you know, maybe we can just get rid of capital punishment. Can we try that out for awhile? I think it would become incredibly cathartic after a while.

I Bet You Fifty Bucks

So why exactly is gambling illegal? I don't really understand how it affects, well, anything actually. I mean, what's the point? It's our stupid money we're throwing away. What does the government gain from not letting us do it? Not very much, as far as I can tell. It's not like drinking. You can't really hurt other people when you've been gambling a lot. Well, except for if you gamble away the money that was supposed to pay for your son's operation or something. But in that case you probably have some other issues to deal with. Like the giant nail that's been driven into your brain.

But what the hell about the lottery? Isn't the lottery gambling? I'm pretty sure it is, isn't it? I mean sure, lottery tickets only cost a dollar, but you're still paying money for the chance to get more money. And that's basically what gambling is, right? So why is the lottery legal? And you know, what? What the hell about the tracks? If you're betting on horses, isn't that fricking gambling? I'm pretty damn sure it is. Consistency, please? Like, just this once?

So basically, all they really want to do is ban slot machines. Because I mean, it's not illegal to play poker with your friends and PLAY FOR MONEY, so that's already out. So basically, the government just really, really hates slot machines. And I mean that makes sense, because it's easy to rig them, but then why say that they're banning gambling altogether? Just ban frigging slot machines! Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Well, it doesn't, but then again, nothing does.

Throw Out Your Calendar

Have you ever realized how many stupid things there are on your calendar? And no, I'm not talking about the pictures of penguins that were just HILARIOUS back in December but are now really starting to annoy you. I'm talking about stupid holidays. My primary example has always been "National Corn Dog Day". Yes, that is a real thing. I didn't make that up. But my question is, who DID make that up? And more importantly, how did they get it popularized to the point that everyone knows about it? Like, how would you even go about doing that? I think you'd have to have a LOT of friends. Or a reasonable amount of really influential friends. Maybe the Corn Dog guy knew Micheal J. Fox or something.

So I think anybody should be allowed to make up a holiday. Personally, I'd like to have "Irritation Day", which would occur every February 28th, just because. See there are way too many holidays that are about love. Christmas and Valentine's are both pretty focused on the concept, how about a day to celebrate the opposite? A day to celebrate the deep, primal hatred of your fellow man. A day to punch bullies in the face and light the obnoxious kid from the tech office on fire. The possibilites are just endless, especially the prospect of greeting cards and an Irritation Day Parade.

I'm just thinking maybe we need to shake things up a bit. I mean, we go through the same damn rituals every year, make the same damn jokes out of the same damn rituals every year, and you know what? That's not good for comedy. Maybe that's why the stand-up comedy industry has been so weak lately. Yes, I am suggesting that if there were some new holidays invented, Dane Cook would not exist.* Or at least, he would be funny.

*God, this was such an obvious joke. I suck.

They Were All Pretty Stupid

I had a weird thought today.* I suddenly came to the realization that none of the kids in my class ate glue. I mean, that's sort of a generic thing, isn't it? Like, a really stupid thing that small children do, because they're small children and therefore cannot differentiate between "edible" and "sticky", right? But yeah, none of the kids in my class actually ate paste. Oh sure, half of us were borderline retarded, but we never ate glue. Mostly we just screamed a lot and failed at art projects. Our teacher hated us.

But now I'm beginning to wonder if ANYBODY did this. I mean, I'll probably be pretty hard-pressed to find somebody who will admit to it, but this idea had to come from somewhere, right? All of those stupid cliches are based on anecdotes, aren't they?** Could I at least find somebody who KNEW the kid who ate paste? Actually, the kid who ate paste probably didn't have a lot of friends. Then again, that was probably because he ate paste, so people probably would have known about

Come to think of it, I don't think eating paste would go very well. I mean obviously it's an atrocious idea, but how exactly would that turn out? Would your mouth get sealed shut and end up with you suffocating, or would it lose stickiness due to the moisture. I'd look it up, but no, that's gross. Get out of here with your gross ideas.t at least.***

*I realize that this is basically the same as saying "London got some rain today", but work with me here. Or don't, whatever's cool.
**Urban legends still count as anecdotes.
***This is a train of logic I like to call the "Stupidity Cycle".

Toothpaste of the Gods

You know what the latest thing in my line of increasingly specific things to get annoyed with is? Advertisers pretending that stuff that's been around for years is revolutionary new technology. Specifically, the fact that I watched a commercial recently that was absolutely ecstatic about ELECTRONIC TOOTHBRUSHES. Seriously, those things have been around for over a decade now, who the hell do they think they're kidding? It's a frickin' vibrating toothbrush! Calm the hell down, alright?

Actually, dental hygiene commercials* in general are kind of like being teleported to an alternate universe where YOUR TEETH ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER. Seriously, have you seen how intense they are? "LOOK AT THIS POOR BASTARDS TEETH! THEY SUCK!" And then there's this little animation** where it's all look "WOOSH! EXTREMELY VAGUE BLUE LIQUID! KABOOM! YOUR PLAQUE CAN SUCK IT!" Yeah, apparently plaque is the root of all the problems in the world. And it can only be solved through the INFINITE POWER OF CHRIST CREST WHITENING BULLCRAP!

And then there are the people. The people in toothpaste commercials are very quick to anger. If their toothpaste comes out wrong, THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY. THE SEAS WILL BOIL WITH THE RAGE OF A THOUSAND GODS IF MY TEETH ARE NOT SHINIER THAN THE CORE OF THE SUN. And they just can't stand it if their toothbrush is not perfectly accommodating for their mouths. If not, they will be so upset that the SCREEN WILL CHANGE TO A BLAND COLOR FILTER. By the GODS!

Wooh, got a little carried away there.

*Better be careful. Don't want to alienate the dentist demographic.
**With "Dramatization" on the bottom of the screen no less. Thanks lads, we didn't know that the CGI WASN'T REAL.

Burning Out

Why do we still use candles? They just seem like a huge waste to me nowadays. Basically what you're doing is taking a piece of wax, sticking a piece of string in it, and lighting it on fire. That just doesn't seem like a well thought-out use of resources to me. And it doesn't produce a whole lot of light, does it? It's just about enough to make it ALMOST impossible to read a book, but not quite. So it's not very efficient, and yet they're all over the place. They sell them by the something funny-load. That's weird to me.*

I don't quite understand scented candles either.** Aside from the fact that they very rarely smell like what they claim they're supposed to smell like,*** have you ever noticed that when somebody ever has them, they always shove them in your face and ask you to smell them? You know why that is? Because you can't smell the damn things from more than one inch away. And even if you could you wouldn't be able to over the pungent scent of beer and decaying food.****

I just think that at the point where we invented lightbulbs, we could have just done away with candles altogether. Sure it's more wasteful,***** but it's also less awesome. And I'm pretty sure that that's what we as a species need to focus on. Pew pew and such.

*Seems like a lot of things are weird to me. I probably need professional help of some kind.
**It was at this point in writing this that I realized that I was writing about scented candles on the internet, and then I felt incredibly gay.
***"OH BOY! Apple pie! (sniff) Why does it taste like plaster and hatred?"
****I dunno, but everyone I know only puts them out for parties.
*****Maybe. I'm not sure how much the material for candlemaking harms.....anything, really. Fact checks are for noobs.

Just Got Sold

Why do products continue to try to sell themselves* to us after we buy them. Think about it, when you open up packaging for....well pretty much anything actually, there's so much stupid crap you get with it. All this random promotional stuff. And....why? We already payed for your expensive piece of metal. What else do you want from us?

ALMOST as stupid as product placement, but of course, nothing in the universe could possibly be any stupider than product placement. If I've already payed like twenty frickin' dollars for your stupid action movie, stop trying to sell me more of your bullcrap.

I think the point where we decided that we were going to have product placement IN commericals. Have you seen this? It's like they're trying to sell you tell you two things at once, and failing at both of them. And it makes me want to vomit blood.

*That doesn't sound right....

Be Proactive, Do Nothing

I think the point where we really started sucking in this world was the point when we had to create "national parks". Once you think about, it's pretty damn sad. Basically what we're doing is roping off increasingly small areas of land and saying "Okay, right here? You aren't allowed to screw this place up. Okay? Can we do that?" As soon as we decided that this was going to be a necessity, I think that's when we should have just given up. If it comes to that, I don't think we're going to fix things.

See, there's a lot of people who think that everything's going to get better somehow.* Is that incredibly cynical? Of course it is, but it's better than blind hope, at the very least. Basically, we kind of screwed this up a long time ago, didn't we? Yes, yes we did.** And yet you look around and you see all these people with all these different causes, and I'm not sure how well that's going to work out for us. Perhaps we should focus on the short term or something, because we're all going to die anyway, right? Not individually I mean, I mean once the sun explodes, or whatever the hell else is going to happen.***

I have no idea when global warming is going to finally catch up with us, or if it even will before we all die from some kind of horrible brain worm disease, but if it does, we're all going to feel pretty damn stupid, aren't we? Spending all our time and money on hybrids and windmills and all that. We're going to wish we'd done less of that and, I dunno, had more sex or something. But hey, if the disease that kills us all is an STD, we'll feel stupid THAT way too. So which one sounds like more fun? Hint: It's the one that doesn't involve New York getting flooded.

*George Carlin's dead now. SOMEONE'S gotta take up the reins. That someone will probably not be me.
**I'm the only one talking. I don't know why I keep asking you all these questions.
***My bet is on Zombie Robot Hitler.

Evil Beasts

Why do we still bother with shoelaces? I mean, we've developed like a thousand other methods for keeping our shoes on, primarily velcro, and yet we continue to strap them together with pieces of string. Why? What purpose does it serve? Did we all gone completely mental and decide that we were just going to make our lives slightly more annoying? We seem to do that a lot actually.

The thing about shoelaces is that they come undone.* How the hell does that happen exactly? It just seems to happen completely at random, doesn't it? And if you keep your eyes on your shoes all day, they won't come untied. So either they're some kind of really boring alien lifeform, or they're robots designed by shoe companies because....I don't know, I guess shoe companies just hate us or something.

Actually, I might be onto something there. They only make velcro shoes for kids, inadvertantly convincing us that only kids should wear them. Well I'm calling bull on that. We should totally bring those things back. That would be awesome. You wouldn't have to tie your stupid robot shoes anymore.

*Captain Obvious away! (woosh!)