Toothpaste of the Gods

You know what the latest thing in my line of increasingly specific things to get annoyed with is? Advertisers pretending that stuff that's been around for years is revolutionary new technology. Specifically, the fact that I watched a commercial recently that was absolutely ecstatic about ELECTRONIC TOOTHBRUSHES. Seriously, those things have been around for over a decade now, who the hell do they think they're kidding? It's a frickin' vibrating toothbrush! Calm the hell down, alright?

Actually, dental hygiene commercials* in general are kind of like being teleported to an alternate universe where YOUR TEETH ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER. Seriously, have you seen how intense they are? "LOOK AT THIS POOR BASTARDS TEETH! THEY SUCK!" And then there's this little animation** where it's all look "WOOSH! EXTREMELY VAGUE BLUE LIQUID! KABOOM! YOUR PLAQUE CAN SUCK IT!" Yeah, apparently plaque is the root of all the problems in the world. And it can only be solved through the INFINITE POWER OF CHRIST CREST WHITENING BULLCRAP!

And then there are the people. The people in toothpaste commercials are very quick to anger. If their toothpaste comes out wrong, THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY. THE SEAS WILL BOIL WITH THE RAGE OF A THOUSAND GODS IF MY TEETH ARE NOT SHINIER THAN THE CORE OF THE SUN. And they just can't stand it if their toothbrush is not perfectly accommodating for their mouths. If not, they will be so upset that the SCREEN WILL CHANGE TO A BLAND COLOR FILTER. By the GODS!

Wooh, got a little carried away there.

*Better be careful. Don't want to alienate the dentist demographic.
**With "Dramatization" on the bottom of the screen no less. Thanks lads, we didn't know that the CGI WASN'T REAL.