Boring Food and Drink

I sort of have to wonder about the person who decided that salads were a good idea. See, because I'm pretty sure the idea of putting a whole bunch of leaves in a bowl together and calling it food came before the idea of ranch dressing, and eating a salad without any sort of anything on it is like trying to eat a tree. Eating a salad with dressing, on the other hand...is pretty disgusting too, but at least there's actually some sort of flavor involved, and has the added bonus of making you puke your guts up if you try to eat more than one bowl. I realize that different people have different tastes, and plenty of people like salads, but I'm sure there's got to be a better way to eat healthy than to have to start eating the weeds you pulled out of your backyard.

You may have guessed by now from all of my incredibly subtle implications that I think salads taste like bags of lawn clipping, but less exciting. See, if you eat a bag of lawn clipping, there's the chance that a poisonous spider or something will jump on your face, and then you get to take an exciting field trip to the trauma ward. If you find a spider in your salad, that probably just means that you need to clean your kitchen more often. There are very few experiences more boring than eating a plain salad. Maybe eating a plain salad while filing taxes and drinking iced tea.

Speaking of iced tea, I also hate iced tea. If you could somehow liquidize nothing, it would taste like iced tea Drinking iced tea is like drinking air, followed by an extremely bitter and vomit-inducing aftertaste. The only way to improve iced tea is to fill it with so much sweetener that you might as well be drinking snow cone liquid, which actually isn't that bad of an idea. It'll probably kill you, but at least then you don't have to drink iced tea anymore.