New Decade Sound

So the start of the new decade was pretty disappointing, wasn't it? Not to say it was a particularly crappy year, it was about as crappy as all the others, but it was pretty boring, relatively speaking. I'm not talking about politics and all that other stuff that actually matters but I really don't care about. I'm talking about music.

Alright, so we can all agree that the past decade pretty much sucked music-wise, right? Unless you're a big rap fan, but if you are, you probably don't know how to read, so that's okay. But it seems like every decade gets it's own new rock variation, and most of them kicked ass. The 60s gave us classic rock, the 70s brought psychedelic and prog, the 80s had several different kinds of metal, and the 90s gave birth to grunge. But the 00s? Mostly, we got some idiots talking about killing prostitutes over a five note bassline. How exciting.

So I'm hoping that this decade, we get something good. Some band has just got to break out with something really awesome and original, or I am going to shrivel up and die. Either that, or I want They Might Be Giants to make a mainstream comeback. A man can dream.

Worst Mammalian Trait Ever

So I'm still trying to puzzle out what the deal is with boobs.* I understand the whole "feed babies with 'em" thing, but I just do not understand pretty much anything else about them. Not the actual anatomy of them, but the complete and utter obsession with them in our society. As part of the 0.1% of the straight male population who isn't particularly attracted to women with large breasts, I just end up confused most of the time. You'd think big boobs would just get in the way or something. Seems sort of uncomfortable.

The real issue, however, is that I can't for the life of me figure out why the hell it's so taboo to see them. I mean, we all know that boobs are not sex organs, right? If you didn't know that, then you should probably not have skipped seventh grade health class. But seriously, what's with the aversion? It's already a bit odd that we're supposed to be terrified of seeing genitalia, but boobs aren't even that! They're just there to make milk. So what exactly is the deal? I'm not sure.**

Also, plastic surgery. Can we all agree that this is just incredibly unconvincing. It's like a little kid putting on twenty pairs of socks in order to look taller. It just makes everyone laugh and feel slightly uncomfortable. And I don't think boobs made out of plastic would be very....well actually a lot of things. They just sound painful for all involved.***

*Oh yeah, you can tell from the FIRST SENTENCE that this is going to be a fun one.
**Without the establishment of "Not into big boobs" in the previous paragraph, this would seem like the perviest proposal EVER.
***I once saw a women whose boobs were at least two inches apart. I wish I were making this up.

Not a Conversation

You know what I want to complain about but don't really have a good opening line for doing so? Voicemail. I freaking hate voicemail.* See, the concept of it is sort of okay. You miss someone's call, so you just hear a message from them once you get the chance. In theory, this works fine, but in practice, it is unbelievably annoying.

The main problem seems to be that phone companies are apparently trying to make it as difficult as possible to listen to your messages.** Have you ever noticed that? Think about how long it takes to actually get to the message. First, the robot starts talking. This goes on for about five hundred hours, then they ask you to put in a password, which is a pain in the ass, because it just feels extremely unnecessary. Then the robot talks for about six hundred more hours, and then you get to listen to the message, which you can barely hear, because the sound quality is terrible. And if you miss something and want to hear it again, you have to sit through the robot talking. AGAIN.

And all of this beside the more common complaints, the fact that people are morons and feel the need to leave long, rambling messages. Don't give me your damn life story, just tell me to call you back. And see, that's the problem. The whole thing could be accomplished with one text message, and everyone's lives would be so much easier. But no, you have to sit through this dictated novel. I hate you.

*God, you can tell this is going to be a very generic post. I'm such a hack.
**Note that this only applies to cellphones. The only advantage landlines have over cellphones is that they get to bypass most of this stupid crap.

Save the Monsters

 Why are we still trying to protect pandas? I'm not saying that endangered species lists as a whole are stupid, but why are we so focused on pandas? The thing is, pandas kind of suck. They really don't have any evolutionary advantage over any other animal, do they? The damn things are fat, lazy, and most of all, stupid. Listen, any animal that flat-out REFUSES TO BREED probably needs to die out. We aren't doing them any favors by keeping them alive.

Look, we all know exactly why these stupid animals are being protected, right? Can we just admit to ourselves that the only reason way more efforts are being put into saving them than saving say, Tasmanian devils* is because pandas are cute. That's it. We like them because they're so goddamn cute. I wouldn't have a problem with that, but they don't do ANYTHING ELSE. Dolphins are cute, but at least dolphins can kick some ass. But because we value appearance over ever single other factor,** they get to live.

Think about it, would people be obsessed with saving the pandas if they had no hair, red eyes, and twelve foot claws?*** Of course not, because they would be terrifying. We'd be too busy trying to shoot the ugly bastards.

*Despite the fact that Tasmanian devils are totally freaking badass. They can scream loud enough to pop your ear drums. That's hardcore.
**Except possibly patriotism, which is why we aren't allowed to barbecue bald eagles.
***The claws are brittle, so the pandas still can't fight.

Going Out of Style

I don't even understand how newspapers are staying in business anymore. I mean, I know that the companies are already suffering to an incredibly degree, but it amazes me that they're even still going at this point. There's basically no reason for them to even exist anymore, is there? Essentially, pretty much anything that you have to pay for in the newspaper, you can get for free online. Not only that, it's so much less wasteful, not having to use all that paper. And yet we're still selling them. Why?

I get that there are old people who don't like the internet, because I don't know, they probably think it introduces children to the occult or something,* but these people are going to be gone in the next couple of decades. Soon, the internet is going to be as commonly used as the telephone, and then where are these companies going to be? They're going to be screwed, unless they get onto the online news bandwagon fast. I know most newspapers also have websites where they offer up the same content for FREE,** so why are we even bothering any more? They might as well just cut their losses and get out now, right?

It's a convenience thing, really. The internet can get information faster, on smaller devices, and pretty much anywhere in the world if you're willing to pay for 3G. And many of us our, considering how well the iPhone's been selling. Newspapers are kind of screwed.

*And we've already established how untrustworthy old people are.
**Seriously, who came up with this business model?

Merry DBADD

Why do we celebrate Christmas Eve? I mean, does Christmas really need two days? It already basically swallows up all of the days around it, doesn't it? When you think about it, pretty much all of December is celebrating Christmas, isn't it? In fact, it can even extend into November. This year, I started hearing Christmas music in the grocery store as early as November 20th. Hell, last year, I saw decorations in stores before Halloween was even over. I think that's really pushing it.

It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Like, what are we celebrating? I know that Christians are just saying that Jesus was born now, but that's only because they all felt left out during the Pagan days when everyone else was celebrating the Solstice. So what the hell is everyone else celebrating? It seems like we just sort of picked a random day for giving people presents and being cold. I think we should rename it to "Don't Be A Dick Day", although that should be every day, but that's probably asking too much of people.

And don't get me wrong, Christmas is awesome, I just don't see why we do it. I mean, besides getting people stuff. That could probably be a reason all it's own, but you're not going to get people to admit that. I think if we could just get everyone to agree that yes, it's all about consumerism, but it's awesome anyway, we'd probably be a lot better off.

Robots Are Terrifying

You know, I don't think I'm exactly in a hurry for the whole "robot servant" thing. Not because I'm one of those paranoid weirdos who thinks that they're all going to become sentient and try to kill us, mostly because that DOESN'T MAKE ANY GODDAMN SENSE.* But still, for some reason, I find the idea incredibly unsettling. Robots just kind of creep me out, and I don't think I would like having them in my house that much. And besides, I'm pretty sure that would pretty much be the pinnacle of human laziness if these things become common. I don't even understand how people can have butlers. It just seems really awkward to me. And rude somehow, even if they are getting paid.

More importantly, what the hell is with the obsession with making human-looking robots? Those things are so goddamn scary, I'm not even going to provide a link for it. You can Google it yourself, but I am not ever looking at those scary monstrosities ever again. Seriously, that IS the uncanny valley, right there. Also, I'm sure there's some sort of terrifying psychological reason for why they all seem to be female.

Maybe I'm just really weird. I still have trouble going into Macy's sometimes because of those mannequins that they try their damn hardest to make look like people. It's just....unbelievably disturbing. And it freaks me out, because there's no reason for it. It's just scary. People who make those things are friggin' creepy bastards.

*Seriously, why would you ever need to program a self-aware robot? And why would you ever program it with even the POSSIBILITY that it would kill people. Doesn't make a bit of sense to me.

Animal Wrongs Group

Why is it that we're allowed to get pissy at China just because they eat cats and dogs? I'm not saying that I'm okay with doing that, but why is it fair for us to try to force them to ban it?* There's two main problems that I see with this.

First of all, who the hell are we to tell other countries what they can and can't do? It's not like they're capturing Americans and using them as sex slaves or anything stupid like that. Why is this our business? Come to think of it, why is anything our business? That's one of our biggest problems. We can't be like any other country and just try to worry about ourselves. No, we have to get involved. Does it suck that they do this? Yes, but why the hell should they have to listen to us. What are we going to do, threaten to bomb them if they don't stop? That seems to be the good old-fashioned American way.

More importantly, we're not exactly the most saintly country when it comes to this kind of stuff. These animal rights people want us to see all animals as equal, right? So how come the government isn't pressuring people here to stop eating cow?** If they're all equal, right? I'm actually a bit of an animal rights person myself, but come on guys, can't we focus on bigger issues? Rainforests and all that stuff? That seems a bit more pressing to me.

PETA, this is why everyone hates you. You're dickheads.

*We totally did this. I can't remember where the hell I read it, but it happened.
**In case it isn't clear, I know animal rights groups are pressuring the government to do this. However, the thing over in China actually resulted in a ban. And yet, they haven't been shutting down slaughterhouses in America. Well, they have, but because of crappy working conditions, not because of animal cruelty. Consistency, that's all I ask.

Alternate Universe of Monotony

There are just so many things that just don't make sense about dreams. I'm not referring to the fact that they're basically like free acid trips that you can never remember perfectly. I'm talking about how weird it is that they even happen. Scientists still aren't entirely sure why exactly we dream, although they're pretty certain that it has to do with resting the brain and dumping out all the useless, stupid thoughts in your head, although this apparently doesn't work for a lot of people.*

I just find the whole thing a bit strange in general. I mean, sleep is already sort of weird, isn't in? It sort of works if you think of it as some sort of cool down time for your brain, but that only kind of sort of sounds like it makes sense. But then, while your brain is resting, your brain also decides to have vivid, often terrifying hallucinations. Or really awesome hallucinations, depending on how lucky you are. Objectively, that seems to be, as the great Orson Welles once said, "pretty freakin' weird".**

And then there's lucid dreaming, which is basically where you know that you're in a dream, and you can control what you're doing within it. Some people can even control the entire dream world, like some really boring version of Inception.*** It seems like we should have that kind of control all the time, right? Because it's all in our heads, right? Right?

Wrong, because dreams don't make any goddamn sense.

*Zing.
**You know, probably.
***I wish there was some crappy movie about dreaming that was out right now so I could make a clever joke here.

Taking Me Seriously Part 4

I can't decide whether or not we're doing a good thing with health and medicine and everything. I mean, if somebody has some kind of debilitating genetic deformity, and it's possible that this could be passed down to their children, are we doing the right thing by saving them? I don't mean like if we can cure them, but just that we can keep them alive long enough for them to breed. Isn't this sort of thing going to screw us over later? Won't this result in a weaker populace, as these deformities spread and eventually make a huge percentage of the population have them? Are we in our right to save these people, or should we just let nature run its course?

This is sort of a big problem for me. Asthma, which I have, can be passed down from parents. In a natural setting, without the comforts of society, I'd be pretty screwed. Was it the right thing to do to let me live? Because I can't say that we should let natural selection work itself out without considering the ramifications for myself. Would it be wrong for me to have children? I don't know. Is my life torturous enough because of this to make it that big of a deal? I don't think it is, but what if my children felt differently about it? Is it worth that risk?

It's sort of a similar deal with the way we keep old people alive for so long. The people who can't see, can't hear, and can't move. What are we accomplishing by keeping them alive? It's really for our own sick benefit, because most of these people would probably rather just be dead than have to live like that, but we do it anyway, because it would be considered "wrong" to just pull the plug and let them die in peace. Sometimes the Hippocratic Oath doesn't work out so well.

Of course, none of this applies to non-hereditary traits. So even though in the wild, somebody born blind would be pretty screwed, nowadays I don't think it's wrong to keep them alive. It all has to do with the gene pool. What you have to ask yourself is are we in the right to let these kinds of people breed?

Not Really That Great

Why exactly do people celebrate when the "hundredth" something happens? What exactly is so significant about it? It seems like it's just an excuse to party and get drunk.* Like, why do we celebrate the hundredth anniversary, but not the ninety-ninth or the hundred eleventh? What's the difference? There really isn't, is there? After all, one hundred is just a number. It doesn't have any real significance.

To me, it just feels like we love any number that's divisible by twenty-five. We'll celebrate the twenty-fifth anniversary, the fiftieth anniversary, and even the freaking seventy-fifth. And seventy-five sucks! But by God, do we love one hundred. If neighbors were people, one hundred would be the town slut.** Everyone's gotta celebrate one hundred? What has one hundred ever done for the world? Besides being a convenient go-to when you need a cheap thrill.

Honestly, it's only because we put so much emphasis on ten. If ten wasn't so important to our calculations, we wouldn't have to deal with one hundred and all his elitist bullcrap. Ten tries so hard to keep his damn son under control, I know, but they need some counseling or something.***

*These two things are pretty much synonymous at this point.
**For those of you wondering, seventy-five is the douchebag that everyone seems to like for some reason. Also, twenty-three might have mob connections and thirty-seven shot my dog.
***I'm going to get committed for talking like this some day.

The Lane Is Tilted

You know what's incredibly boring? Bowling. This doesn't mean that it isn't fun to play. It certainly can be, and I imagine it's mind-blowing when you're high, but it's not very exciting, is it? I mean, it's basically rolling a heavy ball along the floor at some painted pieces of wood. There's really not a whole lot going on, right? There's no really no direct competition between the players, is there? Any sport that could be played over webcam probably isn't very involved.

Well, I call it a sport, but it really isn't, is it? It doesn't really take a whole lot of physical exertion. Once you get the whole "moving your arm back and forth" thing down, it's really not much of a struggle. Not a whole lot of sweating going on when you're bowling. And you get to sit down for pretty long periods of time if you're in a big game. Actually, that's the worst part about bowling. When it isn't your turn, it's boring as hell.

So I think there are some ways it could be improved. Somehow, I think it needs to be a contact sport. I mean, this is a game that has equipment that can weigh up to thirty pounds, and we're doing nothing about that! Make people dodge the bowling ball. Make it so that you have to roll it while running at a full sprint. Make it be done without the ball entirely, and the pins are all giant pillars that you have to slide into. There really isn't actually any reason to do any of this. I just like seeing stupid people getting hurt.

Arguing Semantics for No Fun and No Profit

If you're in a cave, are you considered to be inside or outside? It's kind of hard to say, isn't it? I mean, you're in a shelter, I guess, but it's still probably pretty cold and wet. That seems more outside. What if you're standing near the entrance to the cave?* Does that count as being both somehow? Seems like it should. Okay, let's say you're inside of a tunnel, and you're directly in the middle. Or how about if you're underground in some sort of cavern? Are you inside or outside? You have to be one or the other, because I don't think it can be neither. Or both, actually.

Okay, if you're in a car, and it's moving, do you consider yourself to be moving? Or is it just the car? And if you're walking down the aisle of a train, the opposite direction from which the train is going, which direction are you moving? I guess it depends on if you're moving faster than the train right? But then that goes back to the previous question, because it depends on whether or not you count the train moving as you moving.

If you're in an elevator going down, and you jump, are you considered to be in floating for a second? If you had a really really fast elevator that went down at the same speed as you were falling, would you be flying? And when you hit the ground, would you die? I think you would. Physics doesn't make sense to me.**

*This also applies to standing in the doorway of a building. Where exactly are you?
**Other terrible idea: Deploying a parachute moments before hitting the ground.

This Blog Post May or May Not Get You High

So how does it make any sense whatsoever that it's illegal to use marijuana recreationally, yet it's incredibly easy to just go to a clinic and get a prescription for the stuff? I recall hearing somewhere* that you can pretty much go to a marijuana clinic and have them prescribe weed for virtually any problem you might have, because the official statements on what exactly medical marijuana is supposed to do are a bit shaky. So the stuff is stupidly easy to get, and honestly, who the hell is going to know if you're going to be using it recreationally or not? What are they going to do, follow you home? And if they ask about, the most righteous thing to do, naturally, is lie.**


 So this begs the question of why exactly marijuana needs to be illegal in the first place. I've already covered the fact that this completely contradicts alcohol and cigarretes being legal, but that's just one of the problems. I mean, the types of people who use marijuana aren't exactly the type of people who give one damn about the law, and they're just going to do it anyway.*** So not only is getting it the legal way and just lying about it incredibly easy to do if you're over 18,**** and anybody under 18 just sort of ignores the law, what exactly is the point?

Unfortunately, getting this kind of legalization law passed would be almost impossible, because the type of people who smoke marijuana generally aren't the type of people who know how to vote. Or leave the house.

*Somewhere in this context meaning "from my mom:".
**This applies to most situations, except when it doesn't, which is all the time.
***Note that this does not work with every law. "People who are murderers don't care about the law, so killing people should be legal." The problem there is that people who are murderers are simply immoral or amoral, and are just afraid or getting caught. People who smoke weed just want to be able to forget that they serve grilled cow ass to screeching children at McDonald's for awhile.
****I think. Can anyone verify if this is indeed the way the clinics work?

Prepare To Be Educated

So what exactly is the point of making PE a requirement in high school? I just can't figure who is supposed to be benefiting from it. I mean, pretty much everyone hates doing it, right? And while that applies to most classes, in this case, they don't even have the half-assed excuse that they're "educating" us. So what are we accomplishing?

Basically, the problem that I see is that the kids who do well in PE don't really need the help, do they? I mean, if you're pumping out six-minute mile times and leaving all the fat kids in the dust, you're probably already taking a sport of some kind, aren't you? And if not, then you're one of those lucky bastards that stays healthy no matter what they do, so you don't really need it in either case. And if you are one of the aforementioned fat kids in the aforementioned dust, you probably aren't going to be helped by pretending to run for an hour a day. Seriously, these kids don't try, because they don't give a damn. And why should they? They know they're wasting their time. At leas they're honest about it.

This is also completely beside the fact that it's completely crap that this sort of thing is factored into your GPA.* It's already stupidly difficult to get into a good college these days, why do they have to aggravate it by screwing over the kids that can't run fast.** Isn't school supposed to be about knowledge? Yeah yeah, it totally isn't, but you know what, I can buy the bull sometimes. But not this bull.

*This is completely true, and there are schools that grade you on your mile times, without any sort of sliding scale, mine included. Thank God for marching band. Loopholes ahoy!
**You laugh, but acceptance offices can be bitches about this kind of stuff. "You have a 3.99 GPA? DENIED!"

Footnote Fever

I don't really understand why people are so obsessed with footnotes.* I mean, what exactly is their advantage over parenthetical statements?** I mean, does forcing the reader to skip down to the bottom of the page really add to the experience that much?*** Or is it just sort of a stylistic choice?**** Where did the idea even come from?***** I just don't really see the point.******

I mean, it sort of makes sense if it's one of those ridiculously long footnotes,******* but in that case, couldn't it just be it's own paragraph?******** It just seems kind of ridiculous to me that it's even necessary to have those.********* And what about when there's like fifty footnotes in one article, or something like that?********** It's like, can't people learn to format their work better, instead of making it look like a friggin' menu?***********

Man, whoever invented footnotes need to die.************

*Hey, look at that. I didn't open a post with a stupid question this time. Do I get bonus points for that? No? Well, I should.
**This is probably the nerdiest possible way to say "something in parentheses".
***Is this the stupid opening question? Not sure what it's doing as the third sentence. Know your place, stupid question.
****The style, of course, being obnoxious pretentiousness. As if there's any other kind.
*****It was probably those damn homosexuals again.
******This actually applies to most things.
*******Ever read something like an Annotated Shakespeare. THERE'S some long footnotes for ya. Like, damn.
********This doesn't actually make any sense. Please amuse yourself by pretending that it does.
*********You know what else would be ridiculous? Complaining about it. Don't you hate it when people complain about stuff that doesn't matter. I sure do.
**********You have no idea how much this annoys me. Seriously, it's one of the most grating things in the world.
***********Actually this doesn't make any sense either. I don't know what kind of restaurant would have a menu like that. A very strange restaurant. I want to go there now.
************With apologies to the inventor of the footnote. I'm sure you're a lovely rotting corpse.

Explosions II: Return of the Gun

Why do people always complain whenever a big, dumb action movie comes out? I mean yeah, they're stupid, but I honestly don't understand what the problem is. Usually when you see the trailer for these kinds of movies, you can pretty much tell what they're going to be like. They're going to be full of explosions, cliches, boobs, and not much else. They will also be AWESOME.

I mean, don't we sort of need movies like this? First of all, they fill a very important niche. Every now and then, you really do just feel like turning your brain off and watching something vapid and stupid. Is it artistic? No. Intellectual? Of course not. But it's fun. If watching a deep, thought-provoking film is reading a piece of classical literature, then watching a stupid action movie is reading the newspaper comics. And sometimes, that's perfectly fine.

More importantly, they also provide a fantastic contrast with movies that have complex storylines. If we don't have stupid stuff like this, there isn't anything to compare them with that makes them great. For someone to be on top, someone else has to be on the bottom.* This is sort of a nice variation of the "There has to be evil for there to be good" idea. This is more along the lines of "There has to be stupid, mindless crap for there to be philosophical pretentiousness".

*No. Get your head out of the gutter.

Milking The People Part 2

If our teeth completely rot and fall out if we don't brush them every day, how exactly have we survived this long?* Again, this makes me wonder if human beings just totally suck, or if we just didn't live long enough back then for it to matter. I mean sure, dogs get pretty crappy teeth later in life, but that's when they're pretty close to death, and they only live for about twenty years, tops. And I know that our teeth don't rot away THAT fast, but they do get pretty messed up rather quickly.**

I don't actually know if all animals have this problem. If they do, why does this part of the body suck so much? Yes, your body deteriorates as you age, but usually things don't start rotting away until you die. Teeth go through a lot, obviously, but then how did they end up like this? That doesn't seem evolutionarily sound to me.***

This sort of thing just makes me realize how little I know about my own body, which is slightly worrying. Shouldn't I know how I work? Perhaps not, but that's a little scary. I pretty much don't know anything about how anything works. Actually, that would probably make a pretty good tagline.

*You may have noticed that the title of this post doesn't actually relate to the content of it. This is mostly because it's actually pretty similar to the original "Milking The People", but unfortunately, "Milking The People" was apparently written on "National Terrible Blog Post Title Day".
**This is supposedly why George Washington had fake teeth, although I may have made this up.
***Guess who knows pretty much nothing about how evolution actually works? This guy!

Please Remove Your Pants

What's the deal with the whole "hats off inside" thing? How is a hat different from any other article of clothing? What if my hat completes my outfit?* I just don't really understand what it has to do with manners. Why is it rude to wear a hat inside? What's disrespectful about that? It's just a piece of clothing. Maybe if I was wearing a hat with "YOUR MOM IS A SLUT"** written on it, that might be a bit rude, but as it stands, I don't really see what the problem is.

I also find it extremely strange that this is so persistent at schools. I mean, school is a pretty casual thing these days, isn't it? I mean, you can pretty much dress like a prostitute and no one will care,*** but we still have to take off our hats when we go inside the classroom. And I just can't figure out why. Out of respect? Respect for who exactly? The teacher? When was the last time we had any respect for teachers?**** Well, I guess the school wants to pretend that we do, which sort of explains it, but what exactly is disrespectful about wearing a hat? Nothing.

Of course, at my school, we aren't allowed to wear hats at all. Because, according to the administration, if you wear a hat, you're in a gang. My fedora clearly marks me as a member of the dangerous "Jazz Enthusiast" gang. Don't hate.*****

*Quite possibly the gayest thing I have ever written.
**Ten bucks to whoever makes this hat and wears it to a fancy gathering. Like a funeral.
***You girls totally do this. Don't deny it.
****I have nothing against teachers. Well, not teachers in general. Most of them put up with a lot of crap for little pay, and the ones who genuinely want to teach children new things are fine by me, but you have to admit that some of them are just freaking sadistic. And I think it's wrong to be forced to respect someone who's just downright evil. Sounds pretty "North Korea" to me.
*****Do you think there are enough footnotes in this one? No? Here's another.

Twenty Pound Clearance Limit

So, what exactly are you supposed to do when you see those signs that say "Clearance: 10 Feet", and you're driving a semi down the highway? I mean, you can't exactly make a u-turn on the freeway, can you? No, I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to do that.* So what are you supposed to do? You'd think truck drivers would just plan ahead in the first place, but then that raises the question of what the point of having the signs is in the first place.

It's the same thing with those bridges that have a weight limit. What are you supposed to do in this situation? Take the bed off the back of the truck? Actually, I'm not sure if a truck driver would even KNOW the weight of their truck. You'd think that would change depending on what they were carrying, wouldn't it? Maybe trucks can fly, and they just don't want anybody to know about it, so they just do it when no one's looking. Wait, no, that's stupid. Trucks are far too heavy too fly.**

So why do these signs even exist? Are they just there to taunt to the truck drivers? "HA HA YOU'RE GONNA DIE AND YOU CAN'T DO NOTHIN' ABOUT IT!" Maybe the people who are in charge of putting up street signs really hate truck drivers. Maybe truck drivers killed the Street Sign Committee's*** father. That seems like a perfectly logical explanation to me.

*Actually, pulling a u-turn in a semi sounds pretty difficult. I imagine truck drivers just never make mistakes. Ever.
**That sound you hear is the joke going over everyone's head. Including mine.
***May or may not be a real organization.

The Universe Is Broken Part 4

Have you ever thought about the fact that your body appears to be magic or something? I mean, think about your eyes. How in the hell do eyes work? Sure, you could on about how it's all about your brain receiving the information, but how does your brain do that?

Actually, the brain in general is pretty mind-blowing.* Have you ever realized just how insane it is? Do you have any idea how the hell your brain works? And no, the answer is not "brain cells" or "synapses", because then you have to ask how THOSE work. And then you just sort of start crying.

There's also ears. Ears just don't make any goddamn sense. Sound is just freakin' weird. The world is just utterly insane. Have a nice day.

This blog post written on an iPod while riding a bus hurtling down the Pacific Coast Highway at 11 PM. This pretty much explains absolutely everything about it.

*Shut up.

In Capitalist America, Business Screws YOU Part 2

Does anyone know why we still use those weird outlets that go where the cigarette lighters used to go in cars? I don't drive, so I basically know nothing about cars, so does anyone know why we don't just use standard outlets in cars?* You'd think that would make things a lot easier, wouldn't you?

Maybe they just want to force us to use the pain-in-the-ass car adapters. Those things are pretty stupidly expensive for something that shouldn't even have to exist. It would be pretty devious of them to keep that stupid tradition alive just to squeeze more money out of us. And after all, isn't that what business is all about? Screwing people out of their money? You bet your ass it is. If you don't think it is, you don't know enough about business.**

It's pretty messed up, really, the way they do that. It's the same way light bulb companies make lightbulbs deliberately crap so that we have to buy more of them. We HAVE the technology to make lightbulbs that essentially last forever, but they don't make them. Because then they'd go out of business. Maybe they could just hire in to sneak into your house and break your lightbulbs.***

*Prediction: Someone will answer this question in the comments with one sentence, therefore making this entire post completely pointless. Don't let me down, Anonymous Correction Man.
**On an unrelated note, I know nothing about business.
***If you mention those stupid Stride gum commercials I will strangle you.

Very Obvious Observation

Why do we tolerate cats? Do they DO anything for us? Not really. I mean, mostly they just sleep and eat food. I mean, that's the only thing most pets do, but most pets also do not periodically attack you. So we basically keep cats in our house so that they can take up space on our beds and bite us. This does not make any sense to me whatsoever, and yet I have two of them. And they're awesome.

I think it's because cats represent everything that we wish we could have in life. They have no responsibilities, they can sleep for twenty hours straight, and they can impose their will on other people just because they're cute. The only type of people that can accomplish any of the things on this list are children and prostitutes.* And neither of them are particularly pleasant. I mean, one smells and tries to cheat you out of your money, and the other is a joke that's way too easy.**

There's also the fact that they just seem to have absolutely no reason for doing anything they do. They have like a whole bunch of weird crap left over in their heads from evolution. So now they get to chase corks around the floor and sleep in cardboard boxes. I'm sure we could waste stupid amounts of money on figuring out why. Or we could do something beneficial to humanity, but that would be a lot less funny.

*Children prostitutes? No. Get off of my website you sick bastard.
**If you didn't get this, it's okay. I worded it pretty poorly.

Shallow Space

So have we all just kind of given up on space travel? I mean, we went to the moon, and that was awesome, but we haven't really done much since then. Sure, we've LEARNED a lot about space. And we take pictures of galaxies that are retardedly far away. Not to mention the Mars probes, which kick several different varieties of ass. The thing is, we don't really GO anywhere anymore. We just send people up to the space station and take pictures, which is fine, but it's getting old.

This isn't to say we aren't trying. I know that NASA desperately wants to get people on Mars, but we just don't have the technology for it. The problem is that they don't have enough funding to get this kind of work done. And since we're not competing with the Russians for stupid crap anymore, the government isn't exactly in a hurry to give them any money, since getting to Mars, while cool, won't really benefit us in anything BUT astronomy. Or so they think.

Honestly, I think we need to get busy on this. We're eventually going to have to move, right? Earth is going down eventually, so we got to find somehere else to go. If not Mars, then let's think long-term. Going to other galaxies and all that crap. Warp travel. Hell yeah.*

*I am aware that basically nothing I have said is accurate. I really just want life to be like "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy".

Flocking Shift

Who exactly decided what constitutes a swear word? Was it just some sort of unananimous decision by a group of people? They just decided that certain words are really bad, and you just shouldn't be allowed to say them? I mean obviously some of them, like the n-word*, have historical background that make it reasonable that they shouldn't be mentioned, but some of the others I'm still trying to puzzle out. Any of them that are racial slurs of some kind make sense, but otherwise, it can get confusing.

For example, why is it so horrible to call someone a bitch? I can call someone a jerk, but not a bitch. Okay, so maybe comparing someone to a dog is kind of rude, but I can call someone a female dog and no one will care.

What about "ass"? Why can you say "butt", but you can't say "ass"? What's the difference? They mean the same damn thing, don't they? So what's the issue?

It's weird how we are perfectly fine with using euphemisms when they mean the same thing. Connotations be damned, this is a load of....poop.**

*I'm just hoping we can all be mature about this, alright?
**Honestly, I think a terribly executed joke is an excellent way to end ANYTHING.

Water is Scary

So why are we so terrified of sharks? I'm not saying that they aren't inherently scary. Those bastards are pretty freaking scary-looking. And it doesn't help that they're pretty damn efficient killing machines. But that's the thing, they're extremely efficient at killing their PREY. Sharks are not our natural predators, and therefore don't really make it a point in attacking us. Sure, it happens on occasion, but usually it's because they think the guy's a seal or something.

I don't remember the exact figures, but sharks kill an extremely small number of people every year. And yet anytime someone does get killed, the media freaks the hell out and starts screaming about how people better watch out, or they could get eaten. I think we'll probably be alright.

Honestly, I blame Spielberg for this.* It's probably just a urban legend, but I heard once that apparently people terrified to even go in their BATHTUBS because of Jaws, which is frankly embarassing for the human race. The human race needs to get out more.

If I can anyone here complaining about me being insensitive towards the families of shark attack victims, I will consider that my official welcome to the Internet.

*I've mentioned a Spielberg film twice this week. I have no idea what that means.

Happy Bird Murder Day

Why the hell do we celebrate Thanksgiving? I'm not complaining per se, because I do actually enjoy it. I'm just wondering WHY we do it. What are we celebrating? A bunch of immigrants comind over to have dinner with some Indians and then slaughtering them next year? Um....yay?

And it's barely even a holiday tradition! Christmas we exchange gifts, Halloween we get candy, Fourth of July we blow crap up, Valentine's Day we make single people uncomfortable. But what about Thanksgiving? All we do is eat a lot of food. Most of us do that every day anyway.

We totally need to come up with a Thanksgiving myth. Like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. How about the Thanksgiving Assassin Turkey? That's why we eat him. He was trying to break in and strangle Grandpa with chickenwire. Every year.

Bringing it Back

So we're probably eventually going to be able to clone dinosaurs pretty soon here, right? I've heard from a reliable source* that this is true, so I'm assuming we're going to happen pretty soon here. So I'm just wondering who exactly thought this was a good idea. Okay yes, I get it. Dinosaurs kick all kinds of ass. But there is no way this is going to end well.

And I'm not even talking about how it's all gonna end up like Jurassic Park and that we're all going to die. The only reason anyone died in that movie was due to terrible understaffing and lack of proper safety measures. I'm just wondering how we're planning on getting away with this. I mean, we've already got a crapload of endangered species, right? So, what the hell, right?

I'm not even crazy about animal rights and wildlife preservation and all that. I'm not AGAINST them, I'm just not super focused on it. But like, isn't this going to totally screw up the ecosystem and crap if they put them in the wild? And if they keep them in the zoo, well that's a pretty cruel thing to do then, isn't it? Clone them back them into existence just to stick them in zoos.

Oh wait, science and ethics are no longer on speaking terms. Nevermind.

*Cracked.com is a reliable source, right?

The Official Language Is Java

So why exactly are people rallying for English to become the official language of the United States? I'm not taking sides on that either way, because I totally understand where both viewpoints are coming from. On the one hand, the majority of the population does speak English, so it sort of makes sense. On the other hand, we were built entirely by immigrants, so it seems kind of weird for us to have an official language at all.* What I don't understand, however, is why we need an official language in the first place.

And I'm not insulting anybody in this case. I would honestly like to know. Would having English as our official language change anything at all? Is it some sort of legal thing? Because it seems to me like it would mean absolutely nothing to the average person. I'm assuming that it has to do with our relationships with other countries, right? But why should that affect us in any way whatsoever? What would that change for us? I don't really know.

Is it just the principle of the matter? Because I can sort of understand that. I mean, if we're fighting over just the idea of it all, that sort of makes sense. It makes it more banal and stupid, but it at least makes sense. Sort of.

I'm serious, by the way. If anyone can clear this up for me, that would be greatly appreciated. Unless you're going to be a condescending dick about it, in which case don't bother.

*This same argument works for the illegal immigration debate, which I have also not made up my mind about, although I do know for a fact that it is incredibly stupid.

An Entirely Different Entirely Different Post

Seriously, what exactly is going on with third party candidates? Are they all just daydreaming or something? Are they living in some sort of fantasy world? I'm not even trashing their politics, because I know next to nothing about them. I'm just trying to figure out just what the hell they're thinking.

I remember reading somewhere that the Green Party candidate got almost seven percent of the vote in the 2008 presidential election. The members of the Green Party? They were ecstatic about that. And I just can't figure that out? What are they celebrating exactly? The fact that it was more than last time?* Well, sure, that sort of makes sense, but seriously? Seven percent?** You're really going to get excited about that? That's like a little kid being happy that his mother didn't try to kill him on his birthday again this year.*** Kind of depressing.

I just can't puzzle out what exactly they're trying to accomplish. It can't be to win. Their being happy about those numbers doesn't make sense if that's the case. And they have to realize that it's impossible to win if almost everyone voting doesn't even know you exist, right? RIGHT?

Right...

*They got about four percent in the 2004 election, if I recall correctly.
**The actual number was something around 6.8, but shut up, I'm trying to make a point.
***Sleep tight tonight.

An Entirely Different Post

What exactly are people trying to accomplish with campaign signs? I mean do they really think that passing by a sign that says "Vote for Steve", that's really going to change somebody's mind? You could say that they're just trying to "show their support", but you know how you really show your support? You get off your ass and you vote for what you think is right. That seems pretty damn intuitive to me.

And you know what? We can probably just throw campaign ads in there too. I don't mean the ones for the Propositions and those kinds of things, because without them we'd probably have no idea what any of them were about. I'm talking about the ones for people running for office. People just aren't swayed by these things because they know who they're voting for as soon as the candidates are even announced. If you're conservative, you vote Republican. If you're liberal, you vote Democrat. If you're politically-minded and/or pretentious enough to identify as independent, then you've probably done all of your research and know who you want to choose. If you like a third party candidate, you drown yourself in a lake while weeping softly to yourself.* Even in the primary elections, you should be smart enough to learn enough about the candidates and make a decision for yourself. If you aren't, then you also probably haven't figured out how to fill in the little bubble at the polling place.

And then you realize the problem. Think about how much money is wasted on these stupid ads. With all of the controversy going on about the millions of dollars spent on these wastes of air-time, did no one ever stop to realize that it's worse, because they don't even have a purpose. People...

*I'd actually like to talk about third party candidates, but that also warrants it's own personal thrashing.

Go Back To Sleep Sheeple

I don't understand the 9/11 Truthers. I mean obviously these people are completely and utterly insane, but even the ones who are just mildly insane don't make sense to me. I'm wondering how exactly these people even reach their conclusions. Even if their thought processes are about as reliable as Shaq making a free throw.*

Okay, so let's say that yes, 9/11 was an inside job by the government to....um, do they actually say what the government's GOAL was with this? Whatever, it doesn't matter. Let's just say it was to kill a lot of people. That makes sense. Anyway, if the American government was completely corrupt** and all politicians just wanted us all dead, wouldn't they have done something like this earlier? And more often? And on a larger scale? It's not like they're limited in their reach, it's the friggin' American government! The bastards have more power than every European country put together!***

Okay, so let's say they did it to, I dunno, instill fear into the hearts of the American populace. What exactly do they gain from doing that? Just to make us think that it was terrorists, so that they could have an excuse to deploy more troops. Well, big news here guys, we don't actually have control over that. We can piss and moan all we want, but unless the president is impeached, we can't do anything about it. So what then?

I'd also discuss the fact that they seem to be trying to convert other people to insanity, not realizing that all the crazy people ALREADY THINK THIS. They have all the numbers they're going to get. But I think that warrants an entirely different post.

*Dammit, I don't even WATCH sports. Why do I KNOW that?
**Rather than kind of corrupt, like it is now.
***May or may not be complete crap.

Everyone Is A Gray Blob

When you think about it, doesn't it seem really, really strange that certain people can sing and certain people can't? I mean obviously there are some people that just have voices that sound terrible when singing, but shouldn't we all be able to hit certain pitches? And if not that, at least have the same amount of control over our vocal chords as everyone else does?

Same thing with stuff like drawing. If we're all members of the same species, shouldn't we all have the same amount of motor control,* even if some of us are less creative? Why is there so much variety in the skills in individual human beings, physically? Not that this is a bad thing, of course, but doesn't that seem kind of weird? No? It's just me?

Do other animals have this same thing? Are there certain tigers that are just completely crap at hunting? Are there really slow fish? Or are they more similar? I don't know, I'm not a biologist. Or a zoologist. Or whatever they're calling it this week.

Actually, I think having this kind of variety would be a pretty good survival advantage. Having different skills makes the species as a whole would be difficult to hunt, due to having such massive differences in tactics, making the hunt different every time. Or maybe I don't know anything and should shut up.

*Barring disorders and other terrible stuff.

This Is Not Gun Control

Does anybody else ever wonder what exactly the point of having a waiting period for purchasing firearms is? I would honestly like to know if I'm just missing something here. I mean, there has to be some kind of reasoning for it, right? Like, we didn't just come up with a completely arbitrary rule under the thin pretense that it's going to make us safer somehow, right? Oh, wait....

But seriously, how exactly is this supposed to work? Do they think that by making people wait to get their guns, this will somehow make them less likely to kill people? I mean sure, it might give the occasional person time to think, and possibly change their minds about it*, but if somebody has already been considering murder long enough to go out and buy a gun, I'm pretty sure they're already out of their minds, and are probably going to do something else illegal anyway. So what's the point?

My theory is that just want to make it a massive pain in the ass to get a gun. And actually, that's an idea I can get behind. Let's take it even farther. Let's make it so that not only do you have to fill out all those registration forms, they have to be done by hand, and only in purple ink. And you have to deliver them to the post office on foot or else it doesn't count. And you need exactly 47 stamps on the envelope. And you have to mail it at exactly 3:57 PM on a Sunday. Just make it a bitch to do. We can keep some of the crazies out. Barring the sociopaths, crazies are pretty impatient. That's why they kill people.

*This is actually my other theory, which I reached for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Massive Pricks

I don't understand bees. I mean, I can't what they're doing with pollen, that makes sense.* And sure, the whole thing they do with honey is pretty sweet.** Hell, I can even get behind the whole "hundreds of members of my male harem" thing that the queen bees got going on. Hive mind is actually sort of badass, if creepy. What I don't understand is the stingers. Why do they feel the need to do this?

See, with most animals that can create some sort of poison, it's for self-defense. They use it to protect themselves from dumbasses trying to smash them with bricks. But with bees, this doesn't make any sense, because once they sting you, they die anyway. So what do they gain from it?

And they usually do it for almost no reason at all. Do they just have personal space issues, and don't even want anyone near them. They would rather die than be touched, like the opposite of a desperate high-schooler. I just can't figure them out.

I'm beginning to think that bees are just incredibly vengeful little bastards. They sting you just to spite you, because they want you to be in mild discomfort for a week after you dared to interrupt their job which they gain absolutely nothing from before dying a lonely death without ever knowing the touch of a male bee.***

*Honestly, pollination is one of the best arguments for the existence of some sort of higher power. The fact that the bees just happen to do this on accident just seems a little too perfect and worked out.
**No pun intended, I swear.
***I've changed my mind. Hive minds are retarded.

The Future Is Right Now

Have you ever thought about how weird touchscreens are? I'm not talking about resistive touchscreens, like the DS and those PDAs used. The kind where there's a small gap between two sperate screens. Those make perfect sense to me. I'm talking about the tempered glass style, where it feels like you're just jabbing your thumb into a bit of window. I swear to God, this has to be magic somehow.*

I think we've officially reached the future at this point. We have mobile devices that can do almost anything, we have planes that can break the sound barrier, we consider going to the moon "history", we can porn DELIVERED TO OUR HOUSES. It just gets a bit ridiculous. Even people who bitch and moan about how we don't have jetpacks should be able to realize how much our technology has advanced. Read some old Asimov novels and tell me we aren't just a few years away from that, or even already there.

And you know, they're still in the developmental stages, but yeah, we have robots. Sure, we've always had them, but I think you know what I'm talking about. Servant robots. Robot butlers. Pretty soon here, stupid boring jobs will all be done by robots. And teenagers are going to get screwed out of jobs.

I can't tell whether or not this is awesome.

*To get the full effect, I typed this on a touchscreen. It was trippy.

Taking Me Kind of Seriously

I just sort of recently realized how very, very strange it is that being naked in public is illegal. I'm not saying I'm not glad it is. After all, there are definitely people that make the existence of clothing a Godsend, but just think about it for a second. We are not legally allowed to walk around in our natural state. Doesn't that just sound extremely odd? Like, we as a society have reached a point where going out in public without something man-made on you is not just frowned upon, it's outright banned. That just seems really weird to me.

I wonder if people like businessman and politicians ever think about the fact that we're animals. Do they even realize that? No matter how "civilized" we are, we're still animals. And hell, you can see it in all the crap we pull. We slaughter members of our own species for personal gain, we rape, we burn things for entertainment, we have reality TV and ENJOY IT. I mean, how can we call ourselves a civilized society when that stuff still goes on.

And I know some people would argue that THEY themselves don't do that. But, so? I mean, let's think this through for a second. Okay, so wolves kill people. They have in the past, and they still do. But not ALL wolves kill people. In fact, only rabid wolves have killed people.* But what do we say about that? Do we say "these specific wolves have killed people"? Of course not, we just say "wolves have been known to kill people".**

"People have been known to be dicks."

*My history teacher said it. That makes it true.
**I'm not actually entirely sure if this paragraph makes any sense.

Better Than Formula One Part 3

Did you know that there is such a thing as Olympic Walking? Okay, so it's power walking, which I guess sort of makes sense, but doesn't that just sound really silly? Olympic Walking just sounds like a joke in a black comedy about an incredibly unhealthy future populace.* It doesn't sound right. Seems like a really, really stupid oxymoron. As if there's any other kind.

You know what would make it more awesome? Make it take place in the desert. And be like 100 miles, traveled over the entire run of the Olympics.** We could get all of the film from helicopters and stuff, or possibly just guys in the backs of trucks laughing and throwing things at the athletes while turning up the AC. Just make it the most challenging, balls-to-the-wall event of all time, and then see people's reactions after they had once scoffed at "Olympic Walking".

How else could we accomplish this? Weapons. Yeah, it isn't "Better Than Formula One" without the irresponsible inclusion of knives and firearms. I'm thinking for this, just give everyone one knife. Just a standard dagger.*** Then hide various weapons in separate places throughout the map, like a really tedious first-person shooter. It'd be fun! Give the competitors a choice! Do they focus on combat and try to win by default, or save their energy and attempt to reach the finish line first.

Also, there's a tank hidden somewhere or something. I don't know. I'm sure there are thousands of ways we could go nuts with this.

*Actually, does this exist somewhere? I kind of want to read it now.
** I actually have no idea if walking 100 miles would take that long, or longer, so this distance may need to be adjusted.
*** I'm just assuming you've already guessed by now that they're all allowed to kill each other.

Daylight Losings

Why the hell does daylight savings time still exist? What purpose does it serve at this point? Is it even accomplishing anything? It seems completely arbitrary. Are we just doing it out of tradition now? It sure seems like it.

I mean it used to sort of make sense. We needed the extra daylight to get more work done. I get that, but why do we still so it now? Very few Americans actual still do menial labor until late at night, and even then, we have lights now. We don't even need sunlight anymore. We can just waste abundant amounts of electricity. Let the sun stick with warmth and photosynthesis.

And if you think about it, doesn't it just seem really stupid? I mean, time is already something that we made up ourselves. Sure, days can be measured by the movement of the Earth and all that crap, but the actual numbers? That's something we came up with. So we've basically just decided that we are going to have our own man-made system for keeping time, and then change it for no reason for half a year. It just seems really weird to me.

Oh hey, by the way, do you know if it's possible to be only half-sarcastic?

Win At All Costs

I have never understood why we care about winning things so much. I'm not saying I don't understand competition in general. When there's some sort of tangible prize involved, then yeah, that makes perfect sense. But what about when there isn't? What about when there's no prize involved, and it's simply a game? How do you BENEFIT from that?

And this is not one of those situations where I'm calling out other people for being stupid. This is something that I do all the time. And I still don't really understand it. Okay, so it sort of makes sense if it's something that requires a lot of skill. If you beat someone in a game of basketball, then that proves that you're better than them, more talented. So it's an ego-stroking thing. And hey, I can behind that. That has some grounding in reality.

But what about those people that desperately want to win at things that require no skill whatsoever? Like, have you ever played poker for paper clips or something, just because you were bored? Then there's always that one guy that HAS to have more paper clips than anyone else? No? Then that guy was you.

Ever played something really stupid with one of these guys, like Candyland? Games that are literally nothing but complete and utter luck, but they just HAVE to be the winners. Why? Why is it necessary?

And these are the cases where competition is bad.

In Capitalist America, Business Screws YOU

So, is Coinstar just the most evil thing ever invented by capitalism, or is it just me? For those of you who have blocked it out of your brains, Coinstar is a machine that many grocery stores have that will take your change and convert it into paper money. Sounds pretty convenient right? Wrong. They charge you for this service. The grocery stores themselves set this rate, and according to this random guy on the internet, the average is about a 6% charge. That's a bit ridiculous, isn't it?

I mean yes, they have to make money somehow, or else their business model kind of fails, but why should this even exist in the first place? Banks will gladly do this for free! Hell, you can probably convince the cashier to do it if it's one of the "bored teenager" type of cashiers, rather than the "crotchety old person" type of cashier. So how did this idea come about? Who thought that people would pay for this? They are, of course, a very smart person, because people totally do pay for this.

It's what I like to call the "Bottled Water Principle". Any company can make you pay for anything you could get for free if they can convince you it's better somehow. Yeah, guess what? Tap water really isn't that bad. And if you honestly think that it's going to kill you, then think about how perhaps somebody would have sued somebody already if it could. Quit being such a whiner and drink the damn water. "Mountain springs" are full of deer pee anyway.

I mean Christ, how about pay toilets? Are you seriously going to make us pay to perform basically bodily functions? Yes, pay toilets are the prostitutes of the toilet industry, which is apparently a very economically stimulating business.

Taking Me Seriously Part 3

Why do people keep going on about how the reason we're in Iraq is because we're trying to install a Democracy? There are at least three things wrong with that. First of all, why is it even our business? Isn't that what got us screwed over in Vietnam? Sticking our stupid noses in other people's business? Gee, wasn't that the first and so far only war we've ever lost? Shouldn't that say something about what a stupid idea it was? And here we are, doing it again. Yes, I know things suck over there, and we want to be the big heroes again like we were in World War II, but that's not going to happen here. Because no other country thinks this was a good idea.

Second of all, why are these people lying to themselves? They should know damn well why we're in there. It's because we're paranoid, and we don't want anybody having bigger boots than us. Some people who may or not be from Iraq came in and destroyed one* of our buildings. And what's the good old-fashioned American response for that? We destroy a whole bunch of their buildings. Teach them to screw with us.**

Finally, what the hell do we know about Democracy? We don't even RUN a Democracy. We run a Democratic Republic, which is actually remarkably different. If we had an actual Democracy, we would get to vote on every single one of the president's decisions, functioning as more of a representative than an actual leader. This is actually why there are barely any real Democracies in the world. We just need SOMEONE to be in charge. Or at least feel like it.

*Well, two, technically.
**This paragraph neglects to mention oil. But yeah, we want their oil too.

Hardcore Stuff

I think a lot more sports need to go professional. At this point, barring the Olympics, there's really only about five that people actually watch, and only about three that people actually watch in America. All of them are pretty good sports. They're exciting and everything, and obviously people enjoy it. But seriously, shouldn't we have gotten tired of them by now? I mean, I seriously don't understand how people can stand to watch entire baseball games every week. It's a good game, but it's not that good. There's some things I'd rather see.

Like dodgeball for example. Wouldn't professional dodgeball just be freaking awesome? Oh sure, I bet this has been attempted before, but for it to work, they'd really need to play it up. I say make teams of ten players, with five players in at a time. Play best three out of five matches, switching players in and out between rounds as the coach sees fit. Make it the "one hit and you're out" variation, to make sure the game doesn't go on for too long. And maybe a timer, having the team with the most surviving players at the end of the round be the winner. Can you imagine how good these guys would be? If pitchers can throw a baseball over 100 miles per hour, imagine how hardcore this sport would be. Disappointed when nobody gets injured in a football game? Who cares!? That one dodgeball players will probably never be able to have solid food again! No fights in this week's hockey match? Flip over to the NDA and see someone have their face mutilated by a flying rubber ball!

How about handball? There'd be less chance for injury in this one, but if we had one-on-one, professional handball, can you imagine how insanely fast the players would be? Their reflexes would have to be absolutely godly. I want to see someone dive for a last-second save before the it hits the line. I want to see someone spike the ball into the wall so hard it flies back and smashes their opponents testicles back into their legs. There are so many possibilities for this sort of thing!

I will leave you with a few more options, best left to the imagination:
Paintball
Martial Arts
Water Polo
Tetherball
Pin the Tail on the Donkey

I'm Going as a Time Traveller

Have you ever realized how weird Halloween is? I mean, dressing up in costumes sort of makes sense, I guess. I mean yeah, sure, we've been having Masquerade Balls since like, Elizabethan times, at least*, so that works. And I guess it's kind of cool that it's "getting the crap scared out of you" themed. Sure, it's one big, nationwide Masquerade Ball with a pants-crapping theme. I can get behind that. Well, not directly behind it. Because well, ew.

But then there's the candy thing. I know, I know, you could go on for days about the roots of the holiday and all that crap, but that doesn't stop it from being weird. I mean, this is the only day of the year where you can knock on a stranger's door and expect to get free food. Every single time. This does not work on any other day of the year. Seriously, try it. If you're over the age of eighteen, you might even get arrested. Somehow.

More importantly, why are parents okay with this? Doesn't there seem to be like five-hundred different ways that wandering around the streets at night on a day where people wear masks seem a little dangerous? Maybe just a little. With the way parents are so overprotective these days, you'd think somebody would have started protesting Halloween. Actually, does anybody have any stories on that? I'd love to hear them.

*This is pretty much the only thing I can remember about "Romeo and Juliet", besides the fact that I desperately wanted to strangle Romeo to death for being such a pussy.

It's Smacking Someone In The Face

Why do people always ask what the sound of one hand clapping is? I know, I know, it's an ancient Zen riddle, but it never made any sense to me. I get the "tree falling in the forest with no one around" one. That's kind of an interesting idea. It's something to think about. How can we really know? Do we believe what science tells us? Are the vibrations that make the sound a sound in itself, or does it have to be heard to be considered one?* But the "one hand clapping" thing? That just seems incredibly stupid to me. There is no sound. It's one hand!

What exact kind of motion are they referring to? Is it like clenching your hand, tapping your fingers against your palm? Or is it even more stupid, and it's just a hand flailing around in the air like the owner has some kind of horrible disease that it wouldn't be funny to make jokes about? What are they talking about when they ask this question? Nobody I've ever talked to seems to know.

Maybe it's just taking your hand and hitting something else that isn't your other hand. That would be one hand clapping I guess. Would smacking your hand against your arm be one hand clapping? That seems like the only way for it to even approach any kind of sense in the broad realms of basic logic. Maybe you have to just swing your hand so hard that it collides with the air. Is that possible? I'm sure we've built things that move that fast by now. And if we haven't we will soon.

*For the record, I firmly believe that it does make a sound.

Back On My Side

Has anybody else noticed how stupidly foreign language education is handled in the school system? I'm not saying that teaching foreign languages is a bad thing. I think that's a great thing for anyone to learn. But there are just an amazing amount of flaws in the way that it's taught.

When you learn your first language, what did you learn how to do first, talk or read/write? Talking, obviously. So why the hell do schools put so much emphasis on learning how to spell the words correctly and reading? I can sort of see where they're coming from. I mean after all, if you travel to a foreign country, you're going to want to be able to read the signs, but shouldn't that come after learning how to communicate with your fellow man? Isn't that the whole point, to build cultural bonds and all that other bullcrap?

And why the focus on grammar? Why do we learn the grammar AS we learn the language? Is knowing what exactly the sentence structure is CALLED really going to help me speak the language? No, not really. Shouldn't I learn how to say things first before I prepare to write a damn essay? That would seem to make sense to me.

Not to mention the fact that, in general, this is just a terrible way to learn a language. Taking tests on it and everything, I mean. That's just awful. That just makes you HATE the language. It's seen as WORK. Doesn't anyone else see anything horribly wrong with this?

Oh wait, I'm a student. I'm not allowed to have a real opinion.

Taking the Opposite Side

You know, normally I'm the one to rally against school or teacher policies, but there's one thing that I've never understood why kids keep fighting for. Why exactly do high school students think they should be allowed to use Wikipedia as a source for research papers? Are they drunk or something?* They keep arguing how it's just the old teachers being afraid of modern technology, but if you think about it for more than two seconds, it actually makes a lot of sense.

It's not about whether or not Wikipedia is accurate. Aside from the occasional troll, it almost always is as truthful as it can be. It's because Wikipedia is constantly changing. You can't cite it as a source because by the time the source is checked, the page could say something completely different, and your quote is immediately rendered incorrect, or at least inaccurate.

It basically boils down to teenagers just being lazy. We want to be able to use Wikipedia because it's easy. And you know what? I get that. I get that almost all of the work you do for school is complete useless crap. But if you're going to play the BS game, you got to play by the BS rules, and that means doing it right and pretending you're actually writing a serious, legitimate, professional essay. Y'know, because there are so many articles published on the Civil War these days, containing nothing but information people already had.

Yeah, it's still stupid.

*Probably.

Milking the People

If we need calcium to survive, how did proto-humans live long enough to reproduce? I mean, doctors tell us all the time that we need to eat/drink enough dairy to keep our bones from disintegrating. If that's true, how did we survive back when we weren't milking cows and only getting milk as babies? Does anybody know how this works?

Maybe it just makes us die sooner, but we live long enough so that we can procreate. After all, human life expectancy increased dramatically once we invented science. I can see that sort of working out, but wouldn't that make us pretty much useless as a species. Like, if we don't get something that we would think we don't anymore once we turn two, then we die horribly from Osteoporosis? Wouldn't that make us terribly inefficient? Do other animals have this problem as well, but just don't bitch about it as much? And if that is the case, who the hell figured this out? Who was the man who thought it would be a good idea to milk a cow? Was he on drugs or something?

Maybe human beings just suck now, and we can't survive without it because we've become addicted to milk as a species*. Seriously, am I the only one who wonders about this kind of stuff?**

*May not be actual science.
**Probably.

Murder Simulators Part 2

How the hell do military shooters even exist? I'm not talking about the ones where they just completely make up a war, like Modern Warfare 2, I'm talking about the ones that actually take place during a real war that happened. Isn't it a little bit disrespectful to entertain yourself by pretending to be someone who actually fought in a war? And I'm not even one of those uber-patriotic types with a lot of respect for America and everything, I just think this is sort of weird.

I mean, World War II only happened around eighty years ago, right? I'm pretty sure there are still some veterans that are still alive, unless I'm mistaken. So that's pretty messed up, isn't it? I think it is. So why is it that people won't shut the hell about Grand Theft Auto and all that crap, but nobody ever complains about military shooters? Maybe they do, but it's not nearly as bad.

I'm just waiting for the day when somebody makes a Vietnam game*. There will be hell to pay, and it is going to be SO MUCH FUN to watch. I bet we don't get it until at least thirty years from now, when most of the Vietnam veterans will be too dead or senile to care**.

*Love hatemail.
**LOOOVE hatemail.

The Blog Post Is Sad

I've never really understood why some people write emo poetry and cut themselves when they're depressed. I mean, doesn't that just make you feel a lot worse? I don't know, but logic seems to dictate that it would. Then again, even rational people will still act like pricks for awhile when they're in crappy moods. Why do we do that? It seems completely unreasonable, but I do it too.

I mean, it almost seems like we want to feel unhappy. Like we punish ourselves if we're not in a bad mood all day. Lord knows I do that. Have you ever woken up, feeling pretty much fine, and then you remember that you're supposed to be feeling like crap because yesterday totally sucked? Couldn't you just keep that mood? It's even worse when what happened will have no effect on the rest of your day, but you still have feel bad about it, because it just seems wrong not to.

Of course, one of the most depressing things in the world is being surrounded by happy people while you're depressed. Doesn't that always seem to be the way? Like, something would always go wrong for you on like, School Carnival Day. Didn't that always just suck? That happens to me a lot. I think it's the PCG trying to stop me from crying like a little bitch.

OR MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY

Very Cold In Here

So there's going to be another Ice Age eventually, right? I've heard that, and if the internet says it, it's automatically true, so I'm forced to believe that it is fact. So if that happens, what exactly are we going to do? Like, does the government have any sort of plan or something? You'd think that we probably should.

I mean, it's not like this is a bunch of weirdos crying for the government to make sure we have an action plan for when the zombies, this is something that actual scientists have actually said will happen. Do we actually know when it's going to happen? I'm not sure if we do, but I think we should be prepared anyway. And don't say that it's going to happen hundreds of years from now. Last time we didn't plan ahead, thinking we'd cross that bridge when we came to it, Y2K happened. Obviously, the damages there were not nearly as bad as people thought they were going to be, but the glitch was still a huge pain-in-the-ass to fix. This is going to be like Y2K times a thousand.

And what does that mean for global warming? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying global warming is a complete hoax, but how will that coincide with the Ice Age.

Maybe we'll all be dead by then and it won't matter. Zombies or something

The Internet is for FIREWALLS

Why do school computer networks need internet censoring programs? Do they really think kids are going to be looking up porn while sitting in the computer lab? Somehow I doubt that's going to happen. There really isn't any way to be discreet about that sort of thing. And I'm pretty sure that's all kinds of illegal anyway.

 More importantly, these programs block sites on personal devices as well, meaning that if you're hooked up to a school Wi-Fi network, the thing is next to useless as far as internet goes. And isn't that kind of our own personal business? Shouldn't we be allowed to do whatever we want on our own phones/iPods/whatever the new shiny thing is this week?

Sure, it could be argued that since you're using THEIR network, you have to go by their rules. But that just brings us back to the question of what the point of having it at all. I mean, these blockers have been around far longer than personal devices that can use the internet, so what was originally the philosophy behind them. Hatred of fun, I imagine. Schools seem to have a thing for that.

"But wait," you shriek. "Couldn't somebody be using the internet for something else BESIDES porn?" Well apparently you know very little about the internet.

Three Year Bonus Part 2

Who exactly chose that the year that you become a legal adult should be eighteen? I mean, I realize that you can say that about pretty much anything in the world, but doesn't it seem really arbitrary to you? Like, why eighteen? Why not twenty? That's like, a rounder number, and it makes more sense.

Okay, so I see that they're hitting it from the "you're out of high school by that point" angle, but then shouldn't it be nineteen? Most people are still in high school when they turn eighteen. And that just ends up making it so that you have to come up with a whole bunch of loopholes and stuff like that to take rights away from eighteen-year-olds who are still in high school. Doesn't that seem unnecessarily complicate. Probably not. Well, it would if you were really easily distracted. Like a squirrel. Or a chipmunk. Sorry, I forgot where I was going with that.

Regardless, it seems like it's just another set of really weird standards. For example, who decided that you can get your permit when you're fifteen, but only after you've been fifteen for six months? Are those six months really going to make much of a difference. Somehow I doubt it. And the rules for how permits work in general are just insane. The way the limits are set up for whether or not you can drive non-family members and whether or not you have to have a parent in the car are pretty complicate. Or uncomplicated. I don't know, I was too distracted by the shiny objects.

Oh God, I know I'm going to have to explain this joke.

First United Church of the Pretty Cool God

When I say "I should start my own religion.", I imagine I'll get some weird looks. After all, we've pretty much run out of plausible-sounding universe-origins and stuff at this point, so any new idea is almost guaranteed to involve some crazy bull about aliens and inner spirits and crap like that. But I think I'm onto something here. The First United Church of the Pretty Cool God.

You see, the idea here will be that we'll all believe in a higher power that isn't a vengeful dick. The Pretty Cool God (PCG) does not turn away anyone. Homosexuals? Of course! The PCG has even suggested he might be bicurious! Female? The PCG is cool with you preaching. He's a pretty cool guy. Race that isn't white? No subtle racist overtones here, no sir! The PCG accepts anybody who just wants to have a good time.

Of course, he has rules. The PCG would really appreciate you not being a massive douchebag, and his churches will all include douchebag rehabilitation centers where you can learn that wearing your pants anywhere near your knees makes you look like a tool. The PCG is against violence in general, but understands that sometimes it is necessary to lay the smackdown when things get a bit too "jackassy". And if you ever even think about starting a war over religion, the PCG will punish you somehow. Probably involving screwdrivers.

FUCPCG will have a neutral position on the Jesus debate. If you want to believe he's the Messiah, the PCG is cool with that, but if that's not your thing, he's all right with you waiting for the first coming if you want. However, you must agree that Jesus, was indeed, also pretty cool and still deserves respect for being so.

Oh yeah, and if you ever attempt to force the PCG's rules into the government, you will be kicked out of FUCPCG. No questions asked.

The Fourth Sense

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be blind? No, I don't mean like that time where you decided to see if you could go a whole day with your eyes closed and ended up in the hospital with a tea kettle on your head and third-degree burns. I'm talking about what it would be like to have no concept of what sight is at all.

Did you ever think about that? Do you realize that people who are blind from birth HAVE to think only in words, because they have no idea what anything looks like? Nothing at all. Think about how difficult it would be to explain sight to someone who had no clue what it was? It would be impossible. As a fun way to see how hard this would be, find someone colorblind and try to explain how colors work. They'll think you're insane or something. Probably. I'm not colorblind.

And what about deaf people? Wouldn't that just be insane? How the hell do you explain*sound to a deaf person. Sound is confusing enough already. How exactly ears work is still incredibly baffling to me. So how would a deaf person be able to figure it out. That would probably make their heads explode.

Or what about explaining any one of the five senses to someone who was born without it, and never knew that everyone else didn't have the same problem. I have a feeling someday this is going to happen to me. Like, there's a sixth sense that everybody decided not to tell me about. I guess it lets you, I dunno, detect pancakes or something. That would be awesome.

*In this scenario, we are assuming that you are writing down your explanations on a piece of paper or something.

Regulated Part 3

Have you ever realized how incredibly ass-backwards it is that cigarettes and alcohol are perfectly legal, but marijuana isn't? That seems pretty messed up to me.

Now, I'm not advocating for the legalization of marijuana. Weed is (in most cases, it has been known to be a powerful brain stimulant in extremely rare cases) bad for you, no questions asked. However, cigarettes? Cigarettes are awful for you. Smoking cigarettes is like standing in a burning house filled with rat poison, cleaning solvents, and cat urine. And what about alcohol? Yeah, weed can mess you up, and getting into a car while stoned is a terrible idea, but it is at least as bad as alcohol, and alcohol can be much worse, especially when you get into hard liquor. And they serve it in restaurants! Maybe they should start serving weed in restaurants.

So once again, this is going to boil down into the "how about they just let us do whatever the hell we want?" argument. If they're going to let us stick a controlled chemical fire into our mouths, why stop there? It's just another stupid thing we can do. Hell, if we're going completely downhill, let's bring back over-the-counter cocaine. Wouldn't THAT be terrifying.

Feel free to point out that when they tried Prohibition before, it didn't work. I know that. I'm just pointing out a conflict of interest. Get out of my house.

Regulated Part 2

Why are there helmet laws? Why should people be forced to be safe? If we want to do something completely inadvisable and dangerous, isn't it our God-given right to do so? I think it should be.

Like, how can skydiving be legal, but not riding a bike without a helmet? It's jumping out of a freaking airplane! That's like a thousand times more dangerous! And you could EASILY regulate something like that. You could easily stop people from doing that! Outlaw parachutes! Simple! But no you can't do that. Riding a bike without helmet is far more dangerous. Once you start doing that, it's just a slippery slope to anarchy! What's next? JAYWALKING?

Come to think of it, why do they make you wear a helmet when you go skydiving? I mean, I know Seinfeld has already done a whole routine on that, but seriously, what is the deal here? Is it the same thing as bike helmets? Do we HAVE to do this? Does anyone know if there's a law about it? That would be great if there was. Who's came up with that? How could you possibly get through an entire proposal about that without laughing about the great joke you're playing.

"Yeah, I think we should make everyone start wearing helmets while they skydive!"
"Um....why exactly?"
"THEY COULD GET HURT"

Careful when you jump out of that plane. It might hurt.

Pink Stands For Being Pretentious

Have you ever seen someone wearing one of those pink ribbons? And the first couple of times or so, because you couldn't remember what they were for, you asked them about it? And what did they say? "I support breast cancer!" Didn't you just want to punch them in the jaw?

No, you don't "support" breast cancer. If you did support breast cancer, you would be a massive tool. You support the treatment of breast cancer. You support finding the cure for breast cancer. You do not support breast cancer. That would be stupid. And what makes breast cancer so special anyway? There are a lot of different types of cancer. Why would you want to support just one? Wouldn't it be better to work towards a cure for all cancer? "I support funds for scientists to research a cure for cancer". That sounds much better than supporting breast cancer.

And how much supporting have you done, really? I'm not talking about the people who do bike rides and raise money and crap. Those people are actually being productive. I'm talking about the jackass who bought one ribbon and did absolutely nothing else. Sure, the funds from everyone's funds certainly adds up, but you? By yourself? Hell no. You haven't done jack. One dollar is not "support". One dollar might be enough for the doctors to pay for their parking. For like an hour.

You wanna say you support finding a cure? Either raise some money or get a damn medical degree. You don't deserve the smug satisfaction you're getting.

Let's Kill All the Indians Day

 DISCLAIMER: There is a reasonable chance that I may get a few facts wrong in this post. Instead of pointing these mistakes out, kindly look inside yourself and try to figure out why you feel the need to correct irrelevant facts on the internet. Then smash yourself in the face repeatedly with a hammer and do it anyway.

Why do we celebrate Columbus Day? Columbus sucked. Columbus has always sucked. Your grade school teacher lied to you.

First of all, he didn't discover America. Why do we give him credit for that? The Vikings were here before he was, and if you subscribe to the theory that the "Native Americans", as Political Correctness Gone Mad would like you to call them, crossed over to Alaska from Russia, then they "discovered" America. All Columbus did was make the landmass a more widespread fact in Europe. Which turned out to be a really, really bad thing.

You know what's even worse? He didn't even land in what we would now call the United States. What the hell is he doing with his own Monday? He was a selfish bastard who killed a bunch of natives for no adequately explored reason. He was a massive douche! What did he do to deserve a holiday? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Screw Columbus. Why is there no Teddy Roosevelt Day? Teddy Roosevelt was much cooler than Columbus. I'd rather have a Teddy Roosevelt Day. And no, President's Day doesn't count. President's Day is very similar to Columbus Day in that it sucks.

The Universe Is Broken Part 2

How exactly would you go about building an airplane? I mean, I kind of understand how the Wright Brothers got started. Theirs was a relatively simple machine. But how exactly do you go from that to say, a 747 or a fighter jet? Yes, I realize there wasn't a linear progression between the two, but if somebody told you to build an airplane, where would you start?

Would you know what to do? I wouldn't. I'd slap some bricks together and tell them it was an abstract plane. That you had to see the plane inside yourself or something like that. Artists love that crap. And once again, what about computers? Would you be able to build a computer? And yes, I know some people build computers for themselves, but not from the ground-up. They get parts. Could you put together a circuit board? I couldn't.

Hell, would you even know how to make a light-bulb? That seems pretty complicated. I'm convinced that light-bulbs are magic. Technology is just magic, okay? Do you understand all of technology? No? It's magic.

Man, I should probably get another bear picture.

Proud To Have Done Nothing

What is the deal with "Spirit Week" at school*? Why should I be proud of going to my school? I don't even go to a private school! I didn't pay a lot of money to go there. What did I do to be proud of? School spirit for what?

It's the same thing with nationalism. Why should I be proud to live in America? I mean yes, there's the whole "We have better lives than people starving in Africa" thing, but why should I be proud about that? I didn't do anything, I was just born here. And doesn't that kind of sound like gloating? "Ha ha! We were born in America! Guess who gets to eat Squeez Cheez all day bitches?"

And if that's all the "Pledge of Allegiance" is, shouldn't Canada have one that says something like "BAM! Free Healthcare and donuts! What now America?" Come to think of it, doesn't "Pledge of Allegiance" totally sound like something you're forced to say while bowing down to your glorious totalitarian dictator? Does North Korea have a pledge of allegiance. If they do, I bet it involves drinking the blood of their enemies and some more ass kissing for Kim-Jong Il. I hate that guy.

Pretty evil stuff when you think about it. "Gotta keep those civilians in line. Make sure they don't forget that they are married to America for life." Screw that.

*Why yes, it is Spirit Week at my school. Why do you ask?

Murder Simulators

Why is it that video games can't get away with anything? Any time any game has any thing even vaguely offensive in it whatsoever, the media lose their damn minds and go insane, making massive amount of controversy out of nothing. Why is this never a problem for books? Sure, it was in the past, but I think we've all gotten over the fact that "OH MY GOD CATCHER IN THE RYE HAS THE F-WORD IN IT!! BURN IT!!!", haven't we? And even that bullcrap about Harry Potter turning kids towards the occult was more of a bandwagon thing because it the books were popular, wasn't it? So why do people start screaming every time they find out you can suffocate someone with a plastic bag in Manhunt 2?

At first you'd think it's because the interactivity of video games. After all, there's a difference between watching or reading about violent acts and actually pretending to perform them. But the problem with that is that it's all fictional. There's no difference between them because it's all just part of a virtual world. And don't give me that crap about how video games turn people into murderers, because we all know that's bull. And you know what? Like 50%* of murderers were inspired by Catcher in the Rye (meaning that they completely missed the point of the book, by the way). Mark David Chapman was arrested with a copy of the book in his possession. By their logic, books make you a murderer too! And hey, Hitler liked movies! Big fan of American cinema! Guess movies are evil too.

No, the reason people get worked up about it is because it's new. It's the same crap every single new type of media has to go through. The period of being "evil". It's just a bunch of old white guys who have never even touched a video game controller in their lives making a fuss out of things that they know nothing about.

"Video games are bad for you? That's what they said about Rock n' Roll."
-Shigeru Miyamoto, Head Designer, Nintendo

 *It's called hyperbole. Look it up.

I Heart the Metric System

Why is the American system for measuring length so stupid? When you first get started, it seems okay, doesn't it? You think "Okay, the inch is good for a basic, "small" unit of measure. That makes sense." Then you get to the foot and you think "Yeah, that works too. That's a good size for measuring slightly bigger stuff. How many inches are in it? Ten? Twenty? What? TWELVE!?" And then your brain just kind of leaks out through your ear and down your pant leg. It's pretty gross actually.

So then you're like "Okay, fine. Twelve inches in a foot. That's....odd, but I guess I can get used to it. Is there anything for bigger things that nobody ever uses? Uh-huh, the yard. And how many feet are in a yard? Five, right? Ten? THREE!? Why the hell is it three!? Three is a pain in the ass! Why not multiples of five and ten? Wouldn't that be so much easier?" Also, apparently the person your talking to at this point is either a very good listener or dead.

And then there's the mile. Dear God, the mile. Who in their right mind would make the mile 5280 feet? That is just unbelievably stupid. Why not 5000? You'd think that would more sense, wouldn't you? Was the extra 280 feet there just to make it difficult to memorize the number? And if you're one of the five people who measures in yards, then it's 1760 yards, which isn't any better. Who designed this?

Metric>American

Pineapple Brand Blog

Have you ever tried talking like somebody from a commercial? It's fun! Of course, your risk of getting punched in the face repeatedly skyrockets, but it can create some fantastic moments if you have friends that don't hate you. Obviously, the first thing you have to do is refer to every brand of product by name. It isn't "popcorn", it's "Orville Redenbacher Brand Butter-Flavored Microwave Popcorn". It isn't "jell-o", it's "Jell-O Brand Flavored Gelatin Product". It just gets better from there.

The next step is to react to every situation as if it was the greatest thing to happen to you all day. Mom just made dinner? "OH BOY! I LOVE HAMBURGER HELPER BRAND MACARONI AND BEEF!" Just finished the laundry? "HOT DAMN! THAT NEW LAUNDRY DETERGENT HAS MADE MY WHITES BRIGHTER THAN EVER! THANKS CLOROX FLAVORED BRAND CLOROX DETERGENT STUFF!" The most exciting aspect is being able to keep a tally of all the weird looks you get from your family. Even better if you do your laundry at a laundromat. The management might even kick you out if you're consistent. And if you forget to pay often enough.

There's also the added challenge of constantly smiling, unless you want to be in a depression medication commercial. In that case, hire somebody to follow you around with a boombox playing sad piano music to magnify your despair. Actually, medication commercials can be fun. If you want to be in a "erectile dysfunction"-related medication commercial, just do something that has absolutely nothing to do with erectile dysfunction. And in front of a mountain. And possibly while riding a bicycle.

My personal favorite is being in a "music compilation album" commercial. Memorize the chorus of a bunch of terrible Top 40 songs, and then switch between them every ten seconds. Bonus points for getting your friend with the cool voice to walk around with you and scream about how awesome the music is and how you can get it for three easy payments of $19.95.

Superheros For The Modern Age

A small team, it will be composed of only three members. They will fight with heart! With vengeance! With courage! They are....THE SOCIAL SITUATION SQUAD!


Product Placement Jane! With the ability to plug products and let the rest of the team know that Clorox Brand Clorox is the best cleaning product on the market! The world is in her hands, with companies paying her thousands of dollars to mention product names to the people she saves, so that they begin to associate not dying with the cool, refreshing taste of Pepsi(tm).

Captain Obvious! With his powers to inform the citizens of Earth that yes, that meteor, is, in fact, very big. And yes, we should probably do something about that. Thank you Captain Obvious. What would we do without his acute powers of clairvoyance? Die, that's what. Because you totally didn't see that plane coming.

Awkward Silence Man! He can ruin any supervillian team-up just by telling them about the time his Aunt Pearl got a chicken beak stuck in her throat. He can even distract entire citizens from the impending doom by making everyone uncomfortable about it! True American Hero, everyone.

"BAM! AWKWARD SILENCE!"